Friday, July 16, 2010

Friday Thoughts and Links

Oh those Europeans are a wacky bunch. First The Dreyfus Affair. Now this.

Your humble narrator is pleased with another quality week of mock, and props to all the ‘bag hunters and huntresses who fill the comments threads with daily genius. Your humor and cultural deconstruct bring A-List mock to the world. And what more could Jebus want?

I sit. I scratch my toesies because they itch. I enjoy a tasty Hostess Twinkie and microwave some Trader Joe mini-pizzas. Because I’m healthy like that. And I await more Peyton List on Mad Men later this month. Mmm…. quality T.V. with boobies.

Here’s your links:

The great Skweezy Jibbs releases his first music video: Phat Black Women.

What’s fake tanned, pumped up and ridiculously douchey? Wrestler Darren Young. No R.L.R. forgiveneness for that look, Darren.

Douchebag Exterminator gets his own T.V. Show. And by “exterminator,” I mean the annihilation of culture, quality, taste and intellect.

One of the key corporate sponsors of the douchepocalypse, Axe Bodyspray pollutes a boobie at the World Cup.

Reader Bryan creates a pretty hilarious HCwDB Tapout Logo. Could make for some nice photoshop fun for the designers among us.

Eagle-Eyed reader ‘Bagville noticed that Facebook’s online game Farmville is now talking like Stackhouse. Let me know when Farmville finds some whobag jumpoffs.

Star Wars on the subway.

Mantyhose. For when you absolutely positively need to have the appearance of tribal tattoos on your legs. And yet another sign of the crisis of modernity.

But you’re not here to laugh at Mantyhouse. Well, yeah, you are. But you’re also here for Pear. No week is complete without your Pear reward. So here you go:

Droplet Pear.

Let it never be said that there is no meaning in this universe again.

# posted by douchebag1
12:56 pm July, 16 Lämp said...

**clicks on**

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I Love Droplet Pear

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**clicks off**

12:58 pm July, 16 mr.reeve said...

Droplet Pear has some side boobie reveal as well. Mmmmmm. Let the weekend begin.

1:14 pm July, 16 Southern Scrotic said...

Those are some major league ta-tas.

Play Ball!

1:22 pm July, 16 Condouchious say... said...

Funny thing about Darren Young is that people make fun of him for looking like a black version of John Cena, who ironically made a name for himself in wrestling by portraying a white rapper. Also, look up WWE wrestler Zack Ryder who’s whole persona is being a Long Island-esque douchebag who refers to himself as Long Island Ice Z.

1:23 pm July, 16 Condouchious say... said...

…also Droplet Pear is the best way to end the workweek.

1:24 pm July, 16 Mr. White said...

All is well when there is Pear and Peyton List, but I must confess…

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…I fuccen hate Skweezy. Am I alone? I know it’s supposed to be “funny,” but all of his videos are approximately twice as long as they should be. And they feel like they’re actually four times as long as they actually are.

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Ah, storm troopers on the subway. It’s too bad they didn’t have to compete with one of my favorite subway “characters”: Back when I lived in NYC a few years back, I got on the D train and was assaulted by a particularly bad smell. Now, it’s not unusual for them to smell bad, of course, but this one smelled like a barn. Specifically like manure. Not human feces; livestock feces. And there, emanating the smell, a small man stood on one of the seats and screamed incessantly, repeating the refrain, “I’D SUCK MY OWN DICK IF I COULD!”

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Rock on, barnyard-stinkin’-suck-my-own-dick guy. Rock on.

1:27 pm July, 16 The Know said...

Ahh, finally I can call it a week. Thanks Droplet pear.

1:39 pm July, 16 Mel Gibson said...

@Mr. White,

I would blow myself too if I could and avoid worrying about my girlfriend falling asleep before jacuzzi time. Now if you will all excuse me, I have to go burn some shit down.

1:54 pm July, 16 Troy Tempest said...

The Ass Pear is so ripe, it looks like it might explode.

I think I pointed out the AXE tainted boobie last week, but I don’t remember.

Skweezy was funny, but hasn’t really developed. His story arc is stalled.

Re: Star Wars, the old stuff was cool, the “first three”, i.e. the bilge that polluted the 1990s, was nasty. Red Letter Media *dissects* in nearly atomic detail the first two. If you have the time, I urge you to watch them. They’re extremely insightful, funny, and accurate. They are all multipart and very long. But AWESOME.

Phantom Menace Part 1

and then there’s

The Attack of the Clones Part 1

Drink heavily and watch this shit. You’ll laugh. A lot.

Example: The opening lines of Phantom Menace:

“The film Star Wars: the Phantom Menace was the most disappointing thing since my son. I mean, how much could you possibly fuck up the entire back story to star wars? And while my son eventually hanged himself in the bathroom of a gas station, the unfortunate reality of the star wars prequels is that they will be around. Forever. They will never go away. They can never be undone. If you’re someone under the age of like, 20, who says his least favourite film in the series is The Empire Strikes Back because its the most boringest one? Then I suggest you shut off this review right now, before I carefully explain how much of a fucking idiot you are.”

Genius.

2:07 pm July, 16 End the Haberdouchery said...

Good god look at the mams on that pic. They just scream “deep thinker”.

2:13 pm July, 16 Et Tu Douche? said...

Droplet pear much needed, thanks DB1. Wrestler bag has the heat miser haircut theme going on

http://famugulfcoast.org/pics/Xmas/heatmiser2.png

2:20 pm July, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Mr. White

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Nice to know some guys have the balls to say what every guy is thinking. If only I could…

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Boss, thanks for Droplet Pear. I shall spend the entire weekend fantasizing that those droplets came from me.

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And who among us is suprised, nay, shocked to learn that hillbilly exterminator’s brother is named Ricky and his mother is named Donnie. What? Where’s Capurnicus, Horatio, and Milificence?

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On a final note, it seems Mindy or someone acting on her behalf has commented on the Beau thread. No take down request, but her link is both not suprising but also quite revealing. MMA chick? What? Next thing you’ll be telling us your boobs are real! Vin…find us some pics like, yesterday!

2:39 pm July, 16 CB1986 said...

Even though it looks like it (I had my doubts at first too) That is Darren Young’s actual skin color, he’s black……

3:08 pm July, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Troy Tempest

.

Red Letter Media is now favorited for future laughs.

3:32 pm July, 16 massengill said...

Skweezy is unstoppable for 10 seconds: 2:32 – 2:42. That was the gold, not much silver or bronze…

3:48 pm July, 16 Vin Douchal said...

@ Mr Scrotato Head

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I have indeed done my research and she is not named Mindy. I have also discovered that has a pierced hood and nipples that could win an Ironman Triathlon, whatever that means

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Gal not really named Mindy, HERE and also Here

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Not Safe For Work or if you are home and the old lady is out for a few and there’s plenty of lotion and Kleenex around

3:50 pm July, 16 Vin Douchal said...

Here’s the first here from above again HERE.

3:56 pm July, 16 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Mr. White

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You are not alone. At first Skweezy’s shit was funny. Now It seems to be just variations on a theme. I kept clicking on random ones on YouTube and they’re all the same. Just change the subject but get the same schtick. Dude needs some new material and writers.

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Mrs. Dr. BHD just looked at the Mantyhose and said, “Huh? I’m really confused. Is this European or something? OH. MY GOD. IS THAT FUCCEN GAY!” Ditto.

5:00 pm July, 16 Stephanie said...

I like the Star Wars on the Subway,since it really did entertain the folks.

5:10 pm July, 16 massengill said...

Hey, Plinky: http://i.imgur.com/Kmegg.jpg

5:49 pm July, 16 Troy Tempest said...

@Scrotato – Red Letter Media is dead fucking brilliant. His review of Avatar is wonderful. And his utter contempt for the Star Trek movies is… “comprehensive”. Unremitting. Unrelenting.

Also the fact that he’s a serial killer is amusing.

6:43 pm July, 16 Whoop-di-douche said...

And while you’re on the subject of AXE, DB1, I just saw today that OLD SPICE has taken over (again) as the leading man-scent now, thanks to the current ad campaign featuring that hunka-hunka brotha. This is no small victory. We must sing the praises of OLD SPICE (and the nostalgia , too).

6:46 pm July, 16 Whoop-di-douche said...

Droplet Pear reminds me of the ol’ watermelon patch at 8 in the morning on a dewy, late summer day, and the seed-spittin’ contest to come that afternoon.

Her squished boobie reminds me not to step on the immature melons, but alas, it’s too late already.

6:55 pm July, 16 Oops said...

Darren Young is actually a black man.

Seriously

7:34 pm July, 16 Hapich said...

Droplet pear is Suelyn. Google her. She really likes herself and her body is unreal! I follow her twitter just to see that booty and I hate twitter!

8:44 pm July, 16 Guid is Good said...

I think looking at those mantyhose has lowered my sperm count.

11:06 pm July, 16 Vin Douchal said...

Just So Y’all Know Dept : Enormous Johnny Hiland, blind guitar player from outer space. Baddest mofo in the land

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With Muriel Anderson

11:39 pm July, 16 Whoop-di-douche said...

I suspect that somewhere between Mantyhose and dresssox.com a man will find his comfort zone.

Or just be a Preppie and go sockless in loafers.

11:53 pm July, 16 Wheezer said...

Oh my goodness, those BOOBIES!

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Sorry about the “Mantyhose” thing, you guys – a friend of mine posted that link on his Facebook page, so I had to bring it the Boss’ attention for continued mocking.

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Isn’t Droplet Pear the same lovely hott who was here a couple of weeks ago? Maybe it’s just the angle…..or was it from one of those non-Friday bonus pear days?

12:16 am July, 17 Lady Godiva's Piebald said...

get some!

12:34 am July, 17 Sir David Douchenborough said...

@Troy

I went through two of Red Letter Media’s “Star Trek” reviews, I nearly fell over my chair, especially because they are really spot on.

12:36 am July, 17 Crocodile Dun Douche said...

My friday thought? BOOOOOBIES….

8:25 am July, 17 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Vin

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You’re a god of the interwebs. Johnny Hilliard is sweet.

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And your Jessica Leigh links have resulted in a restraining order.

9:30 am July, 17 Troy Tempest said...

@Sir David Douchenborough:

I’m glad you appreciated them as much as I did. Plinkett’s a freakin’ genius at analysing this kind of entertainment, and he really gets to some core issues in the most hilarious way possible.

When Star Wars hit in the 70s, it changed movies forever, and not really for the better. I tend to think the best films the USA ever put out were between 1964 and 1977.

Example: here’s the list of films nominated for Oscars in 1964:

“MY FAIR LADY”, “Becket”, “Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying…”, “Mary Poppins”, and “Zorba the Greek”

Here’s the list of films from 2009:

“THE HURT LOCKER”, “Avatar,” “The Blind Side,” “District 9,” “An Education,””Inglourious Basterds,” “Precious,” “A Serious Man,” “Up,” “Up in the Air”

The Hurt Locker was a very good movie. But not a great movie. Hurt Locker vs Dr Strangelove? No comparison. Kubrick’s a freakin genius. However, overall, the tone of the nominated films was very good – Up, District 9, Precious – these are all serious films. Mary Poppins is not.

So, move it forward 5 years.

1969: “MIDNIGHT COWBOY”, “Anne of the Thousand Days”, “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid”, “Hello, Dolly!”, “Z”

Holy Shit. Midnight Cowboy, Z, and Butch Cassidy? Three movie classic! Compare to 5 years earlier, 2004:

“MILLION DOLLAR BABY,” “The Aviator,” “Finding Neverland,” “Ray,” “Sideways”

WTF??? Sideways was interesting, but hardly great. Million Dollar Baby was very very good, but hardly a classic.

OK, so, let’s walk it 5 more years, 1974 vs 1999:

1974:

“THE GODFATHER, PART II”, “Chinatown”, “The Conversation”, “Lenny”, “The Towering Inferno”

1999:

“AMERICAN BEAUTY”, “The Cider House Rules”, “The Green Mile”, “The Insider”, “The Sixth Sense”

WTF??? Godfather pt 2 and CHINATOWN vs American Beauty? Not even close.There’s just no comparison. So compare the weakest film of 74 to the strongest of 99.

The Towering Inferno vs American Beauty. Is American Beauty the better film? Yes. Is American Beauty more better than Towering Inferno than Chinatown or Godfather pt 2 is than American Beauty? No fucking way. Chinatown and GFp2 are classics of movie making – brilliant representatives of narrative visual storytelling. American Beauty is a minor film in comparison.

So let’s drive it back to Star Wars year 1977 and compare before and after – 1976 vs 1978:

1976:

“ROCKY”, “All the President’s Men”, “Bound for Glory”, “Network”, “Taxi Driver”

1978:

“THE DEER HUNTER”, “Coming Home”, “Heaven Can Wait”, “Midnight Express”, “An Unmarried Woman”

Rocky and Deer Hunter are fairly equivalent in quality. Network is a fucking work of ART, and Taxi Driver was one of the films that helped change the tenor of the vision America had about itself. All the Presidents Men? A necessary document on the power of the media that Network critiqued – together they form a bond demonstrating the necessity of a media that is independent of corporate or government control – that is dedicated to truth and justice. All The Presidents Men showed what the Media can do (bring down a government), and Network showed where the Media was going (directly into the pockets of the corporations that own the government…)

What did 1978 show us? Nothing. All it showed was that Hollywood was crapping in its pants over what Star Wars had proven – the efficacy of mythology and archetypal psychology manipulation of audiences. The content is of secondary importance, what matters is the structure of the story arc and the archetypes therein.

So, for final proof? Compare 5 years before and after: 1972 vs 1982:

1972: “THE GODFATHER”, “Cabaret”, “Deliverance”, “The Emigrants”, “Sounder”

1982: “GANDHI”, “E.T. – The Extra-Terrestrial”, “Missing”, “Tootsie”, “The Verdict”

Again, no comparison.

Given that a huge number of people who read this site were born AFTER Star Wars – you people have been robbed. your culture, your artists have failed you.

Which is why we need people like Red Letter Media to blast the shit out of the Hackery.

Los Angeles is a city built around manufacturing the dreams of a civilisation. There was a time ( between The Best Years of Our Lives, 1946 and until Star Wars, 1977) when film was actually developing something important – it was more than just entertainment.

Avatar, like The Best Years of Our Lives, may be a harbinger of new possibilities – a new critical vision of society. As long as it is couched in the bloated Disney Idiocies of Cameron’s spectacle, no, we’re fucked. But if the subtexts in Avatar can be brought to the fore, we could see a new golden age of cinema, similar to that which climaxed in the late 1930s and the late 1960s/early 1970s.

Again, this underscores the importance of Red Letter Media’s critical responses to the garbage we’re expected to PAY FOR as “entertainment”:

10:02 am July, 17 Baleen said...

Spot on Troy. A Clockwork Orange, 2001 A Space Odyssey, The French Connection, Serpico, Annie Hall, to name a few more. I also blame the demise in quality film to excessive digital effects. I will never be sold on CG animation. Also, Peter Sellers is incomparable.

10:14 am July, 17 Steve L. said...

now Subway Star Wars is real improv. and i’m usually not a big fan of improv.

10:46 am July, 17 Mr. Biggs said...

Thanks for finally putting up that Paraguay super-suckle DB1, and raising the profound moral crisis that picture raises.

And on that note, looking at this main pic, I don’t know how people don’t believe in an angry and vengeful God. Because he’s telling me, straight up: “you like these boobies? you dream of touching them? Good. Because I’m sending them the way of the shaved greased weasel.”

Curse you, God. I don’t care what I heard about you in Sunday School.

11:38 am July, 17 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Mantyhose made me regret my high fiber diet.

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Droplet Pear gave me something useful to do with the mess.

12:39 pm July, 17 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Between Doooche on a boooob and Droplet Pear, I’ll be in my bunk…

3:21 pm July, 17 DarkSock said...

@ Troy:

Also, “Escape From Witch Mountain”, and “The Apple Dumpling Gang”.

And “Behind The Green Door”.

3:27 pm July, 17 Troy Tempest said...

@Baleen – I don’t blame CG.

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Why?

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Wall-E. Up. Ratatouille. Spirited Away. District 9.

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It’s not the effects – it’s the storytelling. People just aren’t interested in telling compelling stories. Many movies are just ticket punching for the movie stars and their agents.

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The Elevator Pitch: “Make an action movie that blows lots of shit up.”

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We need a director. I know – this guy who made a successful action movie in Thailand. This way, if it tanks, who cares- he goes back to THailand. If it works – more profit for the studio, because we didn’t have to pay him as much as an American director. Besides – getting an American to direct this is like getting some fat SUV driving drunk ass redneck to go pick fruit in Bakersfield.Not gonna happen – which is why we hire Mexicans.

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Budget = moderately large, but not stratospheric.

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We need two physically attractive actors who aren’t doing anything this coming June.

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I know – Antonio Banderas and Lucy Liu!

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Perfect. Let’s get drunk and write the script on a napkin. You still got the formula?

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Tattooed into the back of my eyelids.

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Cool. Let’s get together an unleash this blight on our culture.

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A year later? BALLISTIC: ECKS VS SEVER

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It stopped being about the story, and it turned in pablum for retards and a meal ticket for incompetent unimaginative film makers.

9:15 pm July, 17 Sir David Douchenborough said...

@Troy Tempest

If there was one thing in having very old fashioned parents was that I was exposed to old films as my dad would switch to one of the channels that were playing them on the television.

I have had watched a fair share of crazy sixties and seventies movies that were, well, just messed up. I even sat through one of the few movies for which Roger Ebert wrote the screenplay, you know, Beyond The Valley of The Dolls. It is a cult classic, I know, but the acting was too over the top.

Anyway, you are no longer going to the “cinema” anymore; you are going to the shock theatre, and it is self reinforcing. If special effects and the technical aspects of film are overemphasized, audiences will conflate with that with what passes for more good cinema. However, since it is more about the ‘experience,’ audiences are compelled to attend the movie theatre because to throw it in a dvd player at home would be incomplete. It is a depressingly clever trick.

11:31 pm July, 17 lucious lupus john believes that fake is real depending on what one believes to be "the truth" said...

i believe the technical term for those is “gazongas”

8:25 am July, 19 Deltus said...

The combination of Droplet Pear and those mighty boobies cured my indigestion!

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