Monday, July 26, 2010

HCwDB of the Week

Three enter. Three grated cheeses of masculinity in crisis with boobie lovin drizzle drip. Only one cohabit may rise like the ladies who lunch. Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Starhawk and Maggie

The Starhawk is all that is poo in Peoria.

Maggie is all that is curvy hard work in a tough economy for hotties.

But together, are they simple club posing fraud crapatula? Or does the Starhawkian douche overwhelm and Maggie’s quality curves combine enough to win the Weekly and make the Monthly?

And lets not forget the formal Starhawk Puts On a Tie, as he attempts to charm the curvy and delightful Quartasian Anne.

Has your humble narrator been overusing the use of “Star” in our naming conventions?

Perhaps.

But ne’re has it been more accurate, either.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Starry Blight and Hello Kat, aka The King of Sears

Hello Kat is both extremely bagongle curvy as well as the dreaded Stage-4 Bleeth, which means a female douchebaguette incapable of redemption thanks to too many hours in the Vegas Scrotelight.

The Starry Blight, aka The King of Sears (dubbed by mr.reeve), is all that is asskickworthy about Pompano. And lets not forget to factor in the Constellation of Poo.

The Blight and Kat make our second potential “Paid to HCwDB” exhibitionism. Which, don’t get me wrong, still completely qualifies for site mocking as true HCwDB. But whether actual shtupping is going on is possibly less likely, and therefore less toxic as a visual cohabitation.

Still, the Star Blight, like the Starhawk before him, lights the way to toilet flush.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The ‘Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters

The ‘Baggle Axe makes the Weekly on account of innovation, douche style points, and the toxic and dreaded Groin Shave Reveal.

The Marissa Sisters, a bit unfairly maligned the first time they appeared, are exactly the level of real world purity hottness that deserves to be protected from scrotepoo like Mr. ‘Baggle.

Combined, however, are they enough to defeat the clusters of Starcrust in our first two finalists?

That remains to be seen.

(Dis)honorable mention to Miami Bleach, Gunter and Sven’s Alien, Meow Tse Dung, and the crypto gaybaggery of Prince Warren Assholian. And Elizabeth from Larry the Claims Processor Holds on to 45 As Long as he Can will be up for the Hall of Hott later this week, but Larry just wasn’t douchey enough to make the finals.

So them’s your three.

Three couples enter. Only one may float like a turdfly and shwing like a pee.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
7:07 am July, 26 melvil duchi said...

The ‘Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters

Shoulder tattoo? – check

aviator sunglasses worn inside? – check

gold helmet? – check

huge belt buckle? – check

leather pants? – check

GSR?- check

run, Marissa Sisters, run

7:22 am July, 26 Dicy said...

I think your every day brunette is a much sweeter and more wonderful find than a paid to pose/stage four bleeth hott. With that in mind, the Marissa sisters being found so close to this douche is much more tragic and deserves more of our mock. Get away sweet Marissa sisters before you loose your modest and flirty fashion sense and wind up looking like Hello Kat, yuck! Did I mention GSR and sunglasses inside? Whatta douche.

7:37 am July, 26 Colossus of Choads said...

Gotta be Starry Blight.

Stop radiating that ‘tude man, just because someone said you were “good looking” once.

7:40 am July, 26 Eliza Douchecoo said...

The King of Sears should win the weekly for being a a huge douche with stupid swim trunks, stupid tattoos, stupid spikey hair and ridiculous (stupid) sunglasses. There that gets the DB part out of the way, as far as the HC goes, she is smokin’ hott, albeit mostly fake, I care not and would like to get all up in her crevices.

7:42 am July, 26 Battlescrote Galactica said...

The Starhawk for the win…. He is to douchery what Ron Popeil is to infomercials. “Set it and forget it!”

7:47 am July, 26 RAPETIME said...

Only two real contestants in this Weekly.

Starhawk is an idiot; Maggie is a cheap whore – literally. Showing your skin for free drinks and club admission is no way to go through life, people. He’s dated, she’s faded; they don’t get my vote.

The King of Sears and Hello Kat. Now here’s a coupling where I would want to get behind Hello Kat, if you know what I mean, even though the lifelong stinging sensation upon urination would be as inevitable as it would be unpleasant. The King of Sears looks as though he gives good customer service, and as long as he doesn’t do something stupid like get his hands or neck tattooed, will make a fine manager of Sears’ repair department one day. They’d make fine winners of the weekly, which is good as that is all they’ll ever win in their lives.

PROTIP: contracting herpes is not “winning” anything.

7:54 am July, 26 Et Tu Douche? said...

This week is heavy on the Douche Bag and lacking on the Hott. Maggie is P2P and in my book that isn’t a signifier of Hott the same goes for Hello Kat and her conscious GSR pulldown. I’m gonna go with Baggle Axe & the Marissa’s. The Marissa’s, specifically the one in the middle, are Hott in a naive kind of way. The Baggle Axe is Douche in a gladiator/300 way which make him even more disturbing.

7:56 am July, 26 Douchelips said...

The ‘Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters FTW!

.

Those sisters are real and many of you would tag them if you had the chance. So hotts they are.

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The ‘Baggle Axe, has a ridiculous helmet, disgusting abs, the dreaded 2010 ‘bag move of the year: the GSR, and a stupid tatt.

.

Run girls, run! The ‘Baggle Axe is out to get you and the win! (loss)

8:10 am July, 26 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

I’d vote for the ‘Baggle Axe on the power of girl next door down-to-earth hottness, but he’s a paid performer of some sort, so said hottness won’t be exposed to him for more than a few hours. Also, Marissa’s dad, Dale, will be home in the morning to kick out any remaining riff raff.

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My vote goes to Starhawk. His second pic with Anne and her alluring knolls of delight makes me want to harpoon an adolescent dolphin.

.

Anne might be stage 1 Bleeth but she is surely not lost. The last thing she needs is to be hanging around with Starhawk. I’ll rescue her and then she’ll serve me spring rolls with chili oil sauce uponst her tummy, which I will lick clean.

.

Starhawk and quartasian perfection Anne FTW.

8:14 am July, 26 the douche is alright said...

Can any of you guys point me to a good example of a 5 lb watch on a douche on this site?

oh, btw, Starhawk 4TW

8:22 am July, 26 Douche Springsteen said...

Starhawk looks the least convincing in his douche attire than the other 2. Meaning he probably wasn’t a douche to begin with, but he saw other douchebags and their hotts, decided that look was “cool” and dove headfirst into it. Note the lack of a proper douche sneer, signifying the smug sense of entitlement to the hott. His face seems to be saying, “Hey guys this is cool, right?” But I’m just not buying it. And neither is paid to pose Maggie, who will get back to her sorority house after work that night and laugh about the pink shirted nerd at the club who shaved stars into his head while she has topless pillow fights with her sisters. Who is more a douche: the douche or the douche who follows him? In this case, it’s the douche who follows him. Starhawk for the weekly.

8:28 am July, 26 End the Haberdouchery said...

Starhawk is douching it up with a P2P, so he’s out.

.

The ‘Baggle Axe is dipped in Preparation H and wrapped in pleather pants is a strong contender, but the Marissa sisters and their floral prints don’t get me going this morning.

.

Leaving us to the king turd in this weekly pile of doodoo, The Starry Blight. I have to figure out why someone would tattoo “Shart” on their chest. I bet Kat’s snatch has had more sausages running around in it than Miller Park during the sixth inning sausage races. Shart and Kat FTW, and always bet on bratwurst.

8:29 am July, 26 Douche Springsteen said...

Another thing, I’m dying to know the context of the Baggle Axe photo. It’s obviously not some kind of theme party, because the Marissa sisters would be wearing something more outlandish instead of looking like a Forever 21 clearance rack threw up on them. While the Baggle Axe is a raging douche, I have to say the helmet, aviator shades and how he looks like he would rather be somewhere else, well that just put a smile on my Monday morning hangover face.

8:41 am July, 26 anonymous said...

Baggle Axe

8:43 am July, 26 ehcuodouche said...

Starhawk. I vote for anyone who stains quartasian hottness with the stench of axe and taint. Despite hours practising his signage, hawk remains as gangster as Gomer Pyle.

8:45 am July, 26 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Starhawk FTW. My dad once told me never to take advice from people with missing fingers. I will tell my children to never take advice from someone with a gold helmet and GSR, and leather pants.

8:46 am July, 26 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Aw crap!!!! I meant to change my vote to Baggle Axe, not sharkbag. Trust me people it’s hard to go through life being stupid!

8:47 am July, 26 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

WOW sharkhawk…this week is gonna suck. I can already tell

9:03 am July, 26 Crucial Head said...

This Weekly gives us (2) bleeth’s who are paid to pose, and one douchebag who is paid to pose. Bleeth’s being PtP with douchebag’s is disgusting – but doesn’t hurt as much because I’m not generally attracted to these sentient diseases made of plastic.

.

But when we start paying the douchebag’s to pose with next door hott’s… then we gots a whole ‘nuther problem. A problem I am not willing to contemplate at this early hour.

.

The Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters FTW.

9:16 am July, 26 scrotum pole said...

I vote Starhawk for having the incisors of a beaver, and Maggie for being the ony plastic, Mattel Barbie toy on earth who actually has a beaver.

9:23 am July, 26 mr.reeve said...

I have to go with The King of Sears & Hello Kat FTW. Upon further review of “The King”, he is going for a mix of hardcore Elvis, Vegas Camero driving white trashbag and faux MMA tough guy look. Look at his swim trunks people! The Hulk comic scenes? And the picture with Euro-trash shorty short guy and his GSR ab flex tool “partner” is further evidence of choadly taint mixed with a turd floater. Kat is as Bleethe as it gets. This is a prime example of bag/baggette and deserves to win the weekly and a trip to the doc for proper STD testing.

9:30 am July, 26 dbBen said...

The ‘Baggle Axe

.

It just seems like this is where it all begins from the hott’s perspective. The Marissa sisters take a trip to Las Vegas, go to some crass show that has “thrust” written in a $35 font, take a picture with The ‘Baggle Axe, go home to Connecticut and start a positive feedback loop with some stage 1 baggling ultimately producing the heir to Donkey Lips.

.

On a side-note, in a like haze after a near sleepless weekend, seeing this group in the final is like having your face in the bowl as humanity is flushed away. I hope the void stares something good back at me.

9:35 am July, 26 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

The choad factor has increased this week by orders of magnitude, and the semi gay rocker GSR / Ponch-from-CHiPs look of the ‘Baggle Axe gives my knee the ass kicking reflex But I have to go with Starry Blight and Kat. Her bleethed out vapid look complements nicey King of Sears’ pudly arrogrance. His fake dogtag/razor blade bling sets off a perfect douchecolletage.

10:00 am July, 26 One for the Choad said...

Ugh, there are problems with all of the contestants this week. Hello Kat is an irredeemable Bleeth, so Starry Blight is more than welcome to her. Baggle Axe is clearly a stripper posing with a bachelorette party, so the P2P aspect would seem to disqualify them. But then again, they’re easily the best looking women of the bunch. Again, ugh.

That leaves Starhawk, unquestionably the biggest douche of the three, and in the end, we are voting for the biggest DB of the week, not hott. So Starhawk gets the vote by default.

10:03 am July, 26 douche bagel said...

starhawk is harmless douche. baggle axe is very annoying douche. starry blight gives me reflex to punch computer and injure a small animal.

starry blight for the loss

10:09 am July, 26 Tony Ventresca said...

Tough call this week, since #1 and #2 could be the same douche, different face pubes, equally douchie. However, Pneumatic Pink Bikini’s massive pneumatic chest pimples tip the scales in favour of #2. Therefore, #2 for the win.

10:12 am July, 26 creature said...

King of Sears & Princess “Will-Leia-All Y’all” of Phonet are the the runny offal & puddle of poo from the ass of Louis XIV after bingeing on Fru-Fru Frog water for a fortnight… bleahch! ftw

10:16 am July, 26 Troy Tempest said...

Kat and Maggie are pros, and stage 4 bleeth. In fact for Kat, I’d give her a stage 5 if such existed. They are both trashy dimbulbs with the fakiest fake racks that ever faked the fake rack racket. Maggie’s orange and Kat’s… everything… they just make me ill.

Now, in terms of douchebaggery, Baggle Axe is every bit the ‘nozzle the other two are. He is a roided out greased up retarded boob surrounded by perfectly reasonable and sweet young women. The amount of contrast in this picture makes ET and Tyler look like blood brothers. Every time someone looks at this picture, a flock of morning doves flies into a woodchipper out of shame for living in the universe where this could happen.

10:27 am July, 26 Bag A said...

‘Baggle FTW

10:29 am July, 26 justadouchalo said...

Hands down, Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters for the win. Rename the site “Skanks with Douchebags” and I’ll reconsider, but that’s a whole other can of worms, and by ‘can of worms’ I mean the can of worms that Kat is fixing (we say fixing in Kentucky) to scratch out of her bikini.

10:29 am July, 26 Fatness said...

Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters. Marissa #3 wants to do things her father will never find out about. To me.

.

The other two pairings are what you find in some desperate bar west of Decatur Blvd.

10:38 am July, 26 the motley douche said...

Because I hate fake bleeths almost as much as the scrotes with which they associate, my vote goes to BA and MSx3. They are quality brunette hottness, but appear to be approachable. We must save them from the stench of BA’s doucheness. Perhaps voting him in the weekly will open their eyes to the greasy pooball that he is.

Yup, that’s why I visit this site. Because I care.

10:38 am July, 26 Bagnonymous said...

I am equally disgusted by the all-around fakeness and skankery presented by all parties involved both Pics #1 & 2. However, the Marissa Sisters appear to be as-yet un-infected, and are still completely salvageable*–it is therefore that I vote the ‘Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters in the hopes that they may be saved by extensive mocking. And by my penis.

.

* “salvageable” = saliva + vag + able ??? Sure, why not…

10:48 am July, 26 tall guy said...

Baggle Axe’s groin shave reveal deserves a mention. As does The King of Sears’ look of superiority. But Starhawk, in an effort to elevate his whiney sneering presence to a higher state of being, takes such a comprehensive each way bet with his use of accessories that I am forced to cast my vote in his direction – in lieu of a large, glass-encrusted stone.

10:52 am July, 26 Bag Margera said...

Even though costumes don’t deserve any leniency rule, they don’t beat out traditional Vegas Hard Rock Cafe douching. That being said, choosing between Starhawk and Starry Blight is like having to vote between two WASP Connecticut Yale Alumni for president. Between the two of them, they cover every single Bagnifier. If he ain’t shirtless, the shirt is pink. If he ain’t got jesus bling coral beads, he’s got jesus bling fake dog tags. If he ain’t got a bag hand gesture, he’s giving sulky douche face. And if his hot isn’t the hottest, the hot’s boobs are the biggest. Their is no way to distinguish if one is douchier than the other. They just out-douche them all. Therefore my vote simply goes to… Star.

10:54 am July, 26 Shish_kebag said...

The starry blight for the win and by win I mean mocking him until he cries himself to sleep for three days. That crown tattoo strongly resembles a delicaressen restaurant we have here in Quebec. And for the Hello Kat I think the name should have been the Shallow Kat, but hey who am I to critisize the names

Again the Starry Blight for the WIN !

10:55 am July, 26 Shish_kebag said...

….but I think Baggle axe qualifies for the 2010 douchie :

Most trashcan to the head worthy !

11:03 am July, 26 Paul Muad'douche, the Kwisatz Scroterach said...

Just to point it out, Starhawk has the exact same overbite as Beavis’s dom, Butthead. He also has a fucking star shaved into the side of his fauxhawk. It takes the alpha gimmick of arguably the biggest douche in the history of this site, the Metaphysical Hooligan, and turns it up to eleven. Let’s not forget about the cross on a chain and Mardi Gras beads draped around his neck. Oh, sweet flying spaghetti monster, I so want to repeatedly bludgeon Starhawk with a tire iron. Maggie is kind of trashy hot, from her left eye that seems to be unable to completely open because of dried semen residue to the tan line running down her pneumatic left breast, and thus passes the main requirement to be here, although I have to wonder at her inclusion with Starhawk in the weekly over Ann. In fact, I’m writing in a vote for Ann and Starhawk for HCwDBotW.

11:15 am July, 26 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

I was leaning towards Hello Kat (and by leaning I mean performing a human tripod in her general direction) when Mrs. Scrotato Head pointed out that in both pictures it looks like it hurts her to smile.

.

.

I didn’t even know she had a head.

.

Much as I prefer Kat’s coy little groin shave reveal (see human tripod above) to ‘Baggle Axe’s, this isn’t Boob Skin that Bongs when you Flick It with Douche Bags. The Marissa Sisters need to kick-ball-change it back to the 2010 Junior National Clogging Championships before it’s too late. And by too late I mean before I put my two weeks of Jujitsu training at age 11 to good use and rip ‘Baggle’s heart out through the vagina he’s developed in the middle of his abs. Better yet, stick around ladies, for an encore you can pull down his pants and we’ll take turns beating him with his Julius Ceasar belt until he starts spurting gray matter out of the top of his shiny helmet. And by shiny helmet I mean exactly what you’re thinking.

.

‘Bagger Axe for the Win; Marissa sisters’s parents and West Virginia’s hopes at a Clogging Title for the Loss.

11:17 am July, 26 Poultry Turd said...

I condemn Baggle Axe for stealing Great Grandpa’s treasured WWII helmet out of the attic and spray-bombing it with a can of gold DuPont paint.

The Marissa’s are kind of cute, and probably a lot of fun, and we can see in this pic, the strong, sure hand of Buffalo Beast trying to pull the shortest, and homliest of the Marrisa Sisters away from a life of sin, shame and misery.

Let us hope it’s not too late.

11:22 am July, 26 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Is it me or does anyone else think if you hit Maggie between the eyes with a grapefruit she wouldn’t get juice in either eye?

.

Seriously, if she was servicing your clam knife she could warn you if anyone was sneaking from behind.

.

That’s an awesome skill but not enough to get me to change my vote.

11:23 am July, 26 Lady Godiva's Piebald said...

Starhawk and starry blight share the very ptp dynamic, which doesn’t make them any less douche, but it makes them as likely to be banging their fists at the end of the night as they are to wake up early, refreshed and ready to promptly and courteously replace my ac unit in the middle of a heat wave.

the baggle axe is every bit the damnable douche, and the women he’s with might still actually do things with men without the exchange of currency or gifts being involved or implied. this rates him an order of magnitude more douchey than the starry slurry above.

11:29 am July, 26 Choadthedouchesprocket said...

You can’t hold it against two of the three Marissa sisters that their brain-dead sibling made them stand there with Mr. Polished Helmet aka The ‘Baggle Axe.” Both have embarassed looks on their faces, so I have to give two thirds of this familial assembly a break and vote for the PtP “Blight” and “Kat” — as she reminds me of the last lap dance I had at Cheetah’s — with more tasteful accoutrements — and I think I fired Starry Blight from our mail room a month ago ‘cuz he couldn’t count to ten.

Starry Blight and Kat FTW

12:22 pm July, 26 Medusa Oblongata said...

I’d say the first two choices seem natural– A lamprey Eel with a she-shark, or the Petri dish of chlamydia cells with a cum-dumpster. However, the third choice is an upsetting dichotomy, a litter of kittens with a glass-studded heap of cow dung. Those are girls who say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to their server in a restaurant. He is a guy who peppers everything with ‘yo’ and ‘bitch’, even when speaking to his grandmother. Their natural, modest, midwestern bodies stand in appalling contrast to his manorexic, overflexed, GSRd display of absurdness. You can do better, Marissa sisters. Leave this one to troll for herp-infested gash at the Rehab pool. Baggle Axe FTW.

12:56 pm July, 26 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Starhawk is giving out GHB flavored candy to the P2P’s, whilst Starry Blight snorts candy flavored meth off Kat’s fake GHB’s (great herkin’ breasts). Two ideal contenders, but they lack the tenacity required to win the tourney for the exalted crown that is the title “Hot Chick w/ Douchebag of the Week”.

.

One obviously came prepared to do battle, while the others came armed with only weak chins, swim trunks, and Asian-Vanilla Ice hair. ‘Baggle Axe on the other hand, knows how to come equipped for a fight. His helmet was stupid, it narrowed his vision. And he must see far. His leather pants were heavy. They threw him off balance. And his scrotum is far away. But wait, what is up with those abs? Ab makeup? This is Ab makeup!

.

Makeup…? This is SPARTA!!!!!!

1:03 pm July, 26 Turdacious said...

Starhawk with his P Diddy overbite FTW!

1:50 pm July, 26 G said...

Wow, yet another tough week. I suggest we throw all 3 douchebags off a cliff and whoever bounces highest gets the vote.

Failing a good cliff to use, and at the risk of getting arrested for littering, I suggest that the annointed King of Sears wins the vote…that smarmy face deserves to be bitch-slapped sideways until Sunday.

1:58 pm July, 26 The Dude said...

In spite of the fact that I’d happily fool myself about the bleethiness of H.Kat, I’m gonna go along with Troy Tempest’s assessment, and cast my vote for ‘Baggle Axe. That’s a funny pic!

2:00 pm July, 26 tommytimp said...

Thanks for the Sondheim reference. Faux Mo.

Baggle Axe, b/c King of Sears is run-of-mill except for the name. Baggle Axe it is.

2:11 pm July, 26 Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamscote said...

Starhawk FTW. He looks like the goundhog that keeps eating all the green beans from my garden, except much douchier.

2:35 pm July, 26 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Baggle Axe FTW. That is all I have to say about that. Except that Mama said life is like a box of Trojans. You never know which one will burst.

2:40 pm July, 26 Vin Douchal said...

All douches being equal, two plastic-enhanced bimbos verses three girl next door hotts is no contest, The ‘Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters FTW

.

Hopefully , that Baggle Axe Helmet is a goof that he drunkenly slid on then leaned in for the photo. If not, let’s hope he gets horribly injured in jock itch incident.

2:50 pm July, 26 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Baggle Axe FTW. And by win, I mean distract him with a shiny award or other similar object so that the Sisters Marissa can beat a hasty retreat whilst his attention is focused on his new shiny bauble.

3:12 pm July, 26 Douchè said...

Too easy: Baggle Axe

Fairly low-quality hotts. But, it doesn’t get douchier than wearing a shiny helmet and aviators…

…inside…

…probably at night.

No, Mr. Axe. This is NOT Sparta.

3:21 pm July, 26 jabbathebagger said...

In what universe does anyone but a stage performer dress like Baggle Axe? He’s clearly posing after the boylesque show. Off duty no doubt he’s a douche, but this photo is disqualified. And his hots? Not so much.

Starhawk and Starry Blight are about even but for all we know Starhawk is one decent haircut, shave and trip to Banana Republic away from relative normalcy, while Starry has tattoo’d a lifelong commitment to choadwankery for all to cringe and avert their eyes from. Throwing it over the top is that Kat is just plain hotter than Maggie, and groin reveal trumps lollypop. Starry and Kat FTW.

3:39 pm July, 26 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Looks like a fucking three way tie to me. Damn they’re all worthy. And by worthy I mean shit stains on the earth’s underpants.

3:58 pm July, 26 Ben McC said...

Starhawk

4:05 pm July, 26 Steve L. said...

the Baggle Axe can probably take down the other contestants with his GSR, but i have to vote for Starhawk in this weekly on merit of… hot bleethy sexiness.

now i need to apply mouthwash for making such a confession.

4:07 pm July, 26 Snoop Douchey Douche said...

The dipwad who became a douche. The douche who tried to look like a gladiator. The gladiator who defied good taste. Striking story! But now, the people want to know how the story ends. Only a famous death will do. And what could be more glorious than to be submerged in the sewers from whence he came, Commodus?

Baggle Axe, at his signal, unleashed hell!

5:22 pm July, 26 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

I vote baggle axe, ’cause the sisters are all kinds of non-bleeth hottness. Now, where’s my fukken’ aspirin?

5:27 pm July, 26 Whoop-di-douche said...

I select STARHAWK and MAGGIE, although she is a lot more Bleethy than hott. He’s certainly right up there with some of the worst douchebags we’ve seen on this site.

5:57 pm July, 26 opie sardonicus said...

Oh, for a woodburning kit and time enough to burn Starhawk’s concentric constellation permanently into his pointy li’l head. Just the smell makes me giddy. And Maggie can bring her Wal-mart Loni Anderson glow to my basement and watch.

But I’m dating myself. In both senses of the phrase.

Starhawk and Mags ftw.

6:15 pm July, 26 doucheywallnuts said...

Starry Blight and the bleached bleeth FTW. I have been so off lately, I’m not even going to try to justify my choice. I’ve been stricken with a douche-ennui that I cannot shake and cannot explain. These two aren’t helping any…

6:21 pm July, 26 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

Starry Starry Blight

paint your tattoo blue and grey

stench of Axe on summer’s day

with Bleeth that knows the

darkness of the soul.

Douchebags by the pool

big bazooms and bigger tool

in colors on the arid Vegas land.

And now I understand

how a girl gets STDs

how you became such a parody

how we tried to set her free.

She would not listen

she did not know how

perhaps she’ll listen now.

(with apologies to Don McLean)

6:22 pm July, 26 Justin said...

Starhawk’s face is too punchable for words. I gotta vote, as usual, for the high level of punchability. The other two deserve to be kicked squarely in the chest with soccer cleats by a flying dutchmen, but he Starbag needs a punch to the mouth, see the difference? Also, Maggie is like Swedish, milky, candy goodness…dumb as a box of rocks, but oh so beautiful.

6:23 pm July, 26 Justin said...

the Starbag

7:04 pm July, 26 Pierre Matsuo said...

BAGGLE AXE

7:06 pm July, 26 Troy Tempest said...

@Snoop Douchey Bagg-

You just ruined one of the few innocent songs I had left from my childhood.

You did a good job – I laughed – but now a little more of my life is snatched away by the shadow of the infestation.

8:18 pm July, 26 Crocodile Dun Douche said...

Its all tempting this week. I feel I have to go with Baggle and the Marissa sisters. I feel theres still hope there. I hope they know they are doing wrong, that they to might be talented huntresses posing for a joke. The other two couples deserve each other, and honestly appear to be bigger douche to bleeth couplings. But for hope, for good, I give it to the Marissa sisters, because I need to believe in them.

Boobies and joy to you all….

8:36 pm July, 26 Scooby Douche said...

No time tonight to read all your brilliant comments, and insightful mock, so forgive me if I repeat something y’all said:

Starhawk: God, what a douche! Maggie: poses are free, dances are $20 each, $30 if you want the bottoms to come off.

Starry Blight: God, what a douche! Hello Kat will do anything for a couple of drinks and if your dick is breathing, not necessarily in that order.

Baggle Axe: God, what a douche! But since the Marissa Sisters are the only normal looking people in the three combined photos, we must honor their brave stand against the Grieco Virus. Leave the left one at the club, and have a threesome with the other two!

Marissa FTW.

8:48 pm July, 26 Anon said...

It was an extremely tough choice between Starhawk and the ‘baggleaxe for me. but in the end, I feel that the old Baggleaxe didn’t make the cut. Starhawk for the weekly.

9:18 pm July, 26 DarkSock said...

The Marissa Sisters are going Down On Baggle Cockk like Jim Henson, and that makes me sad and somewhat incontinent. Baggle FTW, only because he looks like Samurai Scrote’s penis.

.

.

erm, as described to me by Crucial Head. Yeah.

12:59 am July, 27 Baleen said...

Starhawk and Maggie because he’s a fuccen mouth breather and she’s well, a hot chick. Even if she is P2P, I’d still hit it. Or at least the brand new 220volt Sybian I bought for her birthday would.

1:09 am July, 27 Commenter said...

no real douchebags here, only wannabes…

I vote for Starry Blight

3:28 am July, 27 Disconnected said...

Starry Blight it has to be. Surely he is a secret priest of Chtulu, wearing the star on his head so that he can be part of that final alignment which awakens the dread god from his deep slumber at the bottom of the ocean…

5:28 am July, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@MSH

Maggie looks like an x-rated and augmented Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Who has been hit three times with a heavy pan thus making her eyes wider than the original. She enjoys The View from two directions.

6:20 am July, 27 Sack O Douche said...

King of Sears and the All Fake Bleethe Hello Kat are my pick. That guy is the biggest poser douche bag I have seen in my 2 months of visiting this site. He’s got the Terminator stare and his bad ass crown tattoo on his chest. Kat enjoys most of her time on a pole. A match made in Hard Rock heaven.

6:23 am July, 27 Deltus said...

Gotta go with Baggle Axe and the Marissas. All three contenders are fairly strong with the douche, but it’s the hott side that wins the day. No, the Marissas aren’t the hottest (that’s Kat; despite her unredeemable Stage 4 bleethitude, my penis doesn’t care and loves to gaze upon her boobages), but they’re the ones who are sweetest and most innocent, which rankles me most when they’re tainted by poo.

7:08 am July, 27 Richard Dragon said...

King of Sears and Hello Kat FTW

A wanker and a Kat that needs a spanker!

7:36 am July, 27 Wheezer said...

Starhawk is an opportunistic choad partying on his parents’ money, schlepping through the clubs and picking empty bottles off the tables to make it look as though his 19-year-old ass is something else. “I can handle my liquor,” he says, though one sniff of an empty booze bottle would likely knock him on his ass. He’s just a chump who’ll eventually get a beatdown, though probably from some other scrote such as Tighty Armani for “lookin’ at my bitch.”

.

‘Baggle Axe has quite an impressive haul there with Julia Louis-Drefyfus, Amanda Bynes, and…..ummmmm, another cute brunette. But he’s only a decorative piece of meat on the cruise taken by the Marissa sisters, showing support for their non-celeb lookalike sis who just got dumped by Francis Franklin the Turd last week. When she’s ready to ditch the rebounds, I’ll be there.

.

But I’m going with King Sharty and the Hef “blonde” FTW (AKA Starry Blight Sears choad). Yeah, she’s bleeth, but one who tatts a crown on his nipples needs to be flushed down a different throne like the poo that he is. If these two want to be together, then let her be punished by having to look at that torso while she rides his sceptre…..and him by the years of bitching about…..everything.

9:07 am July, 27 armydouche said...

this week is too close to call. in such situations one must resort to the hott to break the tie. therefore i cast my vote for Baggle Ax. /closes eyes and chants “please don’t beeth the marissa sisters, please don’t bleeth the marissa sisters…”

10:10 am July, 27 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

good on ya Snoop, that was clever I do say. even though I like the van Gogh one better…

10:23 am July, 27 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Snoop Douchey Bagg

.

Brought a tear to my eye.

11:12 am July, 27 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Starry Blight and Hello Kat FTW! Why? Look at it. Just look at it. If it doesn’t cause you emotional and physical stress at the same time you must be dead. You know this guy isn’t trying to figure out the solution to the Hodge Conjecture and she doesn’t run a non-profit charitable organization of any kind. He has “SHART” tattooed on his chest for God sakes. She got the super-sized sweater zepplins because she wants to attract more “hot guys” so she can feel better about herself. I can just imagine her nasally high pitched voice spouting such nuggets of wisdom like, “Who knew Brazllians were the first people to wax down there? and “I hate when guys ask me if they’re real. Of course they aren’t!” All of that combined with their attire make me want to eat several rounds of stinky tofu, wash it down with some Red Stripe (Jamaica, a country that shouldn’t be allowed to make beer. Yessh, that stuff sucks.) tinged with syrup of ipecac so I can projectile vomit on them to improve their station in life. That’s why they should win.

11:17 am July, 27 Business-Casual Douche said...

Gotta vote for the ‘Baggle Axe this week. There are two reasons for this:

1) The Baggle Axe is wearing an army helmet, which makes him literally look like a penis. He represents the space between the metaphorical dick and the literal dick. The vast majority of dicks on this site are purely metaphorical, so he deserves some cred for bridging the gap.

2) I’m gonna venture that at least two of the girls he’s with are underage. He doesn’t give a damn. He’s a giant walking phallus. I believe it was the Greek rustic fertility god Priapus, after all, who first coined the phrase “If there’s grass on the field, you’re playing ball.”

The baggle axe represents the unbridled masculine ego–the Y chromosome manifest, if you will. He is like Daniel Plainview from “There Will Be Blood”, but without capitalistic aspirations, or a mustache.

Pussy. Even underage pussy. That’s all this walking choad cares about.

11:50 am July, 27 Douche Boyardee's Cheese and Bagaroni said...

This week is a tough one to judge. As others have mentioned all involve pay to play of some sort.

‘Baggle Axe is just trying to pay the rent as a live stage prop and the Marissa Sisters are cute, just not that cute to win a weekly.

The Starry Blight aka The King of Sears, has the 5 pointed star/crown tats of a Latin King, which I believes signifies he is down for a gang bang. Amore del Douche, put a shirt on and nice comic book single pane swimming trunks, but not you are that douchey to be honored with a Weekly. As for Hello Kat, yuck, moving on, nothing to see here but plastic, parental disappointment, and shattered dreams. a Not.

Which leaves us Starhawk and Maggie. Even if Maggie is PTP she doesn’t seam to be bleethed out and is probably earning money to pay for classes for obtaining her nursing degree. You go Maggie! You go straight to my room and practice on me for your upcoming A & P exam! As for Starhawk, that snarling smug alone makes me want to take a Astro-Tech AT90EDT 90mm f/6.7 FPL-53 ED triplet apochromatic refractor and cave his skull in. I don’t care if it cost $1,295.00. It would be well worth it to eliminate you along with your poor choices in hair sculpting and life decisions from the gene pool. I vote for Starhawk and Maggie for the weekly.

1:57 pm July, 27 soy bomb said...

The Starry Blight and Hello Kat, aka The King of Sears for the slam dunk win. Even though Hello Kat is bleethed-out beyond belief, I would gladly tip a Mexican kid 35 pesos on a 5 peso chicklets gum purchase to kick me repeatedly in the nards for a chance to take a walking tour of the outside of the McMansion where her boobie doctor summers. As for the King of Sears, I’ve been waging a one-man war against the retail giant ever since they screwed me over last winter when the hot water heater purchased from them failed two months after I moved into my new condo. The King winning the weekly only helps my cause. I predict that Sears will be out of business within ten years, making his ridiculous tattoo even more hilarious.

2:04 pm July, 27 Captain Garanichode said...

I wanna be the chowder in Maggie’s clam…

2:11 pm July, 27 Captain Garanichode said...

Hello Kat is a World Class Pole Bender (with just a touch of femm’ish choad)

4:04 pm July, 27 Dex said...

Say what you will about ‘Baggle Axe, at least he has the common courtesy to wear headgear appropriate to his level of intellect.

Starhawk is a clear winner. He is a classic ‘bag, exhibiting all the typical douche signifiers, without being boring or predictable in his execution. It takes a lot to stay ahead in the modern ‘bag-race, and he stays right on the cusp of things.

Besides, Maggie trumps Hello Kat any day of the week. And it can’t just be all about the douche, can it?

6:11 pm July, 27 Horace Dangleballs said...

Hey ‘Baggle Axe…

Charlton Heston called from the set of “Soylent Green” and he wants his helmet back. And what’s the story with the cross straps? Are you wearing a backpack or is it part of your bondage gear for when Brucie anally probes you with his love hammer after a case of Zima chased with amyl nitrate poppers?

Short Bus Helmet ‘Baggle Axe and the tasty Marissa sisters for the weekly.

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