Wednesday, July 21, 2010

HCwDB of the Week: Jebus, Mary and Broseph

In a tight race with Muggy and Rosalyn’s Rosalyns, The Passion of the Crust just barely took the prize. And lets not forget pics #2 and #3, The Jebus and Mary Stain, and The Semen on the Mount.

The voters speak:

Douche Springsteen: Jebus, Mary & Broseph take the (urinal) cake this week. Jebus gives off a really bad creeper vibe, like he is into some vile form of pornography that can’t even be found on the internet and Mary is pure Gina Gershon-esque trashy hottness. Broseph is just along for the ride. Godspeed.

Crocodile Dun Douche: I have never so much wished for someone to be attacked by an albino in the dark of the night. And Mary, I like to imagine she has a thick spanish accent, and uses it to complain i don’t take her out for tapas anymore… why mary why, even in my dreams do you leave me?

Abdouchah the Butcher: B’Jesus, its Jebus! Alongside Immaculate Mary, we have a classic yin/turdgobbler thing goin’ on. His evident baptism in olive oil only adds yet another dimension to this tragedy.

Dex: You look yourself in the mirror, and you ask yourself “how much must one devote himself to the arts of being a douchebag, to actually be elevated to the status of ‘bag religious icon?”

justadouchalo: Jebus is a malodorous chunk of Non-Gonococcal Urethritis urethritis discharge that only a lengthy course of antibiotics will clear up during the course of which no alcohol or caffeine can be consumed. Broseph is grade III douche with shaved chest and stupid hair. Mary is immaculate.

Tony Ventresca: I cast my vote for #2, the Flying Jebusmonster. May he keep his limp noodly appendage far, far away from Mary, my future ex-wife, who is beautiful to my eyes, but for some odd reason is wearing 1980s black tights and pixie boots and sitting on the floor with two greasestains who are going to ruin that nice laminated hardwood.

jabbathebagger: Jebus. Though huffed and I puffed and tried in vain to peel away Swimhot’s flesh colored suit with a mighty stare, I have more than some suspicion that Model Bag’s signifiers have been photoshopped in for the ad campaign, and are now safely back on a clip art CD.

Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky: Despite the Rosalyn’s quality hottness, and the modelbag’s ridiculous groin tattoo, I have to vote for Jebus, simply because… Jebus creeps me the hell out.

dbBen: Leaving the martyred diety thing aside for a moment… this dude is the type of auto-douche that would shun real life responsibilities and accountability in honor of the pursuit of his “art.” His “art” sucks and is only intended to lure hotts. His 6 year old daughter Aniela hasn’t ever known her dad because he’s out shedding reality by getting high with p2p hotts. But it’s his “art”

Flounder: I’m Gonna have to go with Jebus for the win. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE the Toe but Front Butt’s tramp stamp doen’t bring the skeeze like Jebus.

Manimal: Jebus, because I’ve long been looking for a legal excuse to Castrate a Biblical Bull Cpucky)… And, Mary, for ALMOST making me able to forgive that evil German C#nt I was idiotic enough to marry… As much potential redemption appears to lie within her lengthy thighs…

soy bomb: His whole lifestyle may steer the supple Virgin away from my tender loins and into some nightmarish heroin-soaked chastity den from whence she may never return. Damn you Jebus.

Jacques Doucheteau: Jebus is flawlessly pulling off the eurobag AND and emobag (eurmobag?) look, and that’s deserving of some sort of extra recognition. Am I right? Maybe the strangulation with piano wire type of recognition would be sufficient. And, he’s trying a little too hard to look depressed. Maybe it’s ’cause Mary purged all over his new Kris Van Assche printed shirt.

Sir David Douchenborough: I am sure he hitchhiked his way down to Williamsburg from Dartmouth College just to show off his hipster cred by dressing up as a coked out extra in an MGMT music video.

Snoop Douchey Bagg: a) You just know they haven’t showered in a month and reek to high heavens, b) he’s probably in some god-awful jam band, and c) they look like a bunch of pretentious twats.

Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: Jebus, Mary and Broseph for the win. They are a bizarre combination of eurobaggery, gaybaggery, hipsterbaggery and homelessness.

opie sardonicus: Jebus and crew ftw. The self-absorption in His face makes me a believer in the ouroboros tampon. That will mercifully disappear up itself. Here endeth the lesson.

Lord McBaggin: It was a hard fought battle, with Jebus climbing two tough hurdles, and by hurdles i mean rosalyns giant mountains. Muggy makes me want to give up my 10 cents off the next one. for the oportunity to bean him in the head with my empty beer bottle. But, Jebus needs castrated so that at least he can not spread his virus to gods next child.

Indeed, and castration seems appropriate Lord McB. The power of shirtless greaseosity in presence of anorexic Eurohott was too divine not to mock. But this was a tight race, and by tight I mean Rosalyn’s shirt. Coming in a very close second, Muggy Rodriguez and the Rosalyns:

Eliza Douchecoo: You gotta go with the perfectly ripe delicious melons of Rosalyn. And Candy is beautiful. Muggy in the middle makes me sick to my already sick hungover stomach. It’s people like that that piss me off, being a taint out in public with hot chicks. They wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire but they hang out with this f@cker?

Horace Dangleballs: Muggy has douche factor five written all over him and his face looks like he just swallowed the sour pickle he had been warming in his rectum. Rosalyn’s chest cannons fill me with vim and vigor.

Sack O Douche: Muggy is taint and turd mixed with MMA faux toughness. The Rosalyns make me wanna eat watermelons and spit the seeds all over Muggy’s Honda Civic. After, the Rosalyns would thank me with boobie pillow time at the Motel 6.

Condouchious say…: You know, the guys who think that wearing these shirts connects them to world of MMA somehow and that the day job installing car stereos at Best Buy is temporary until the UFC comes a-calling. Seriously I hope you accomplish you’re dream of being mounted and pummeled by sweaty shirtless men…and I hope your MMA career takes off too.

Poultry Turd: Green card or not, Muggy Rodriguez should be tied to a fencepost in the Maricopa County desert, and left to the tender mercies of the 120 degree heat, the buzzards and pickup truck loads of Arizona rednecks.

G: Muggy has to win, just for the douche face alone. And the hotts are hott. Not much else to say for this week.

THEONETRUEDOUCHE: Muggy for the win. Modelbag and swimhott seem a bit phony- The glasses are fake-and that tattoo may just wash off- Muggy seems gives us that self confidence that will keep him here when he hits 45 has the same job and there is a faint hint that he is no longer a hit with the hotties.

Donkster: Muggy. If I saw him make that face in person I would punch him immediately as a reflex action. It’s not many a douche that causes the immediate auto reflex punch.

scrotum pole: I dreamed that Rosalyn was playfully bouncing her supple breasts about my face and neck while calling me naughty names. When I awoke, my wife was beating me with a sack of oranges and cussing me for peeing on the bathroom floor again.

I hate it when I end up pissing on the floor after being beaten with oranges. Good work, team. Rosalyn’s Rosalyns look like an early favorite at the 2010 Best Golden Globes category at the Douchie Awards in December. Coming in a distant third and proving that staged modelbaggery just doesn’t rankle the way the amateurs do, The Swimhott and Modelbag:

Architeuthis Douche: Swimhott and Modelbag by a nose over the Jebus. Both are useless hipster types. However, gaze deep into the eyes of the Jebus. He cries himself to sleep every night because his pro union dad thinks that his son is funny or something. The Modelbag, by contrast, is cocky and assured in his American Apparel lifestyle. F@ck that.

Sergeant Scrote Stain: The Swimhott’s curvaceous hips indicate an optimal level of fertility, and for The Modelbag to plant his more-than-likely mongloid seed within said womb would be a brass-knuckled punch to Charles Darwin’s esophagus.

The Reverend Chad Kroeger: I’m with Cameltoe. She is al that is pure and fuclable that baby Jesus taught us to love and protect. Proof indeed that the good father is looking over us. This weeks’ trifecta of blasphemy had caused me to lose faith this week. I will awake restored after a sweet Cameltoe dream in which model dude is de-rosaried by Stackhouse.

RAPETIME: She is everything right with vaginas and librarian glasses (a fetish I’ve long shared with DB1) and he is just ASKING for an axe handle to be applied repeatedly to his stupid shaved groin and ribcage.

Lil’ Fartknocker: After studying Swimhott’s hips…reminded me when Darryl Hannah whooped Harrison Ford’s ass…then put him in a headlock with her thighs…think she had the same swimsuit as Swimhott…I know she has the same thighs.

The hottie/douchey factor was off the charts, what with librarian glasses, cameltoe reveal and the douche’s stomach tatt, but the “posed” factor just defeated the douche-aura. So it is Jebus’s turn to lead us out of the darkness to the light of powermock. Lets let Ted take us home:

Jebus, Mary and Broseph for the win. There is a certain type of douchiness that has the potential to trounce even fist-pumping roid-rage ed-hardy douche… and that is the pretentious art-f#ck douche who appears to be suffering even though he’s as simple as a pimple. I grew up near RISD, believe me, I know this. Plus, Mary is unattainable hott.

Well said Ted, and extra props for the RISD art-douche reference (so true). Gold stars to everyone who voted for another hilarious comments thread. The Jebus and Mary Stain for the Monthly, and DB1 for Coco Puffs.

# posted by douchebag1
7:14 am July, 21 Wheezer said...

He Is Risen! That must be why I want to be nailed to a cross right now while having a crown of thorns shoved into my eyeballs.

8:19 am July, 21 Justin said...

Congratulations oh great Jebus! The man who can turn water into Axe body spray.

9:15 am July, 21 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@DB1

Passion of the Crust

Semen on the Mount

Jebus, Mary, and Broseph

My prayers for you bearing fruit.,and by fruit I mean funny shit dude. Keeping Hostess in business and riding the Night Train.

9:48 am July, 21 Ted said...

YES! Not only did I make the comment post, but I made honorable mention!!! Made my week.

10:39 am July, 21 jester said...

I really don’t think this guy can be considered a douchebag. I say that because he is clearly gay. I have ABSOLUTELY no qualms about his sexuality, but I don’t think he belongs here. He is obviously a flamboyant person. He is not your typical douchebag. The douchebags that you feature on this site just don’t dress like him or pose like him. He is much more a flame than a douche….

11:27 am July, 21 Et Tu Douche? said...

I agree with Jester

11:33 am July, 21 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@DB1

.

The Passion of the Crust

.

Heh heh heh.

.

John the Babtits could have done us all a major favor and held Jebus’s head under water until his arms stopped flailing, then let his body drift down the river and into obscurity.

12:26 pm July, 21 Deltus said...

Jebus is the kind of choadstain that actually gets off on how much he creeps people out. And for that, well, lemme go get my shovel, so’s I can smack him about the face and shoulders.

1:38 pm July, 21 Steve L. said...

while it takes Jesus days to be resurrected, it would only take Jebus hours to be resurrected. because Jebus is creepy like that.

2:33 pm July, 21 mr.reeve said...

I hate Jebus the gaybag. Enough already! You win! You win!!!!!!!

4:16 pm July, 21 Horace Dangleballs said...

I have now become a pagan.

7:26 pm July, 21 Crocodile Dun Douche said...

I’m expecting him to make a strong showing at the end of the year.

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