Wednesday, July 28, 2010

HCwDB of the Week: The ‘Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters

In the first real HCwDB of the Week upset of the summer, the Stars (Starry Blight and Starhawk) split the vote like Joan Plowright and Vanessa Redgrave at the ’92 Oscars, allowing the Groin Shave Revealing toxicity of the ‘Baggle Axe and real world hottness of the Marissa Sisters (yet more ’92 Oscars parallel) to take the prize.

The voters speak:

melvil duchi: The ‘Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters. Shoulder tattoo? – check. aviator sunglasses worn inside? – check. gold helmet? – check. huge belt buckle? – check. leather pants? – check. GSR?- check. run, Marissa Sisters, run

Dicy: Get away sweet Marissa sisters before you loose your modest and flirty fashion sense and wind up looking like Hello Kat, yuck! Did I mention GSR and sunglasses inside? Whatta douche.

Et Tu Douche?: The Marissa’s, specifically the one in the middle, are Hott in a naive kind of way. The Baggle Axe is Douche in a gladiator/300 way which make him even more disturbing.

Douchelips: Those sisters are real and many of you would tag them if you had the chance. So hotts they are. The ‘Baggle Axe, has a ridiculous helmet, disgusting abs, the dreaded 2010 ‘bag move of the year: the GSR, and a stupid tatt.

justadouchalo: Hands down, Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters for the win. Rename the site “Skanks with Douchebags” and I’ll reconsider, but that’s a whole other can of worms, and by ‘can of worms’ I mean the can of worms that Kat is fixing (we say fixing in Kentucky) to scratch out of her bikini.

Business-Casual Douche: The baggle axe represents the unbridled masculine ego–the Y chromosome manifest, if you will. He is like Daniel Plainview from “There Will Be Blood”, but without capitalistic aspirations, or a mustache.

Fatness: Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters. Marissa #3 wants to do things her father will never find out about. To me.

Bagnonymous: I vote the ‘Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters in the hopes that they may be saved by extensive mocking. And by my penis.

Poultry Turd: condemn Baggle Axe for stealing Great Grandpa’s treasured WWII helmet out of the attic and spray-bombing it with a can of gold DuPont paint.

Medusa Oblongata: Their natural, modest, midwestern bodies stand in appalling contrast to his manorexic, overflexed, GSRd display of absurdness. You can do better, Marissa sisters. Leave this one to troll for herp-infested gash at the Rehab pool.

Douchè said: No, Mr. Axe. This is NOT Sparta.

Lady Godiva’s Piebald: the baggle axe is every bit the damnable douche, and the women he’s with might still actually do things with men without the exchange of currency or gifts being involved or implied. this rates him an order of magnitude more douchey than the starry slurry above.

dbBen: It just seems like this is where it all begins from the hott’s perspective. The Marissa sisters take a trip to Las Vegas, go to some crass show that has “thrust” written in a $35 font, take a picture with The ‘Baggle Axe, go home to Connecticut and start a positive feedback loop with some stage 1 baggling ultimately producing the heir to Donkey Lips.

I’m definitely surprised that the semi-costumed ‘Baggle Axe overtook the bucktoothed pinkshirtitudes and trashy hottitudes of both the Starhawk and Starry Blights. But perhaps it was real world hottie/douchey dialectic that triumphed over Vegas spectacle. That and toxic groin shave reveal. Coming in second, Starry Blight:

douche bagel: starhawk is harmless douche. baggle axe is very annoying douche. starry blight gives me reflex to punch computer and injure a small animal.

Tony Ventresca: Pneumatic Pink Bikini’s massive pneumatic chest pimples tip the scales in favour of #2. Therefore, #2 for the win.

Chris in ‘Baghdad: Her bleethed out vapid look complements nicey King of Sears’ pudly arrogrance. His fake dogtag/razor blade bling sets off a perfect douchecolletage.

Shish_kebag: The starry blight for the win and by win I mean mocking him until he cries himself to sleep for three days. That crown tattoo strongly resembles a delicaressen restaurant we have here in Quebec. And for the Hello Kat I think the name should have been the Shallow Kat, but hey who am I to critisize the names.

Disconnected: Starry Blight it has to be. Surely he is a secret priest of Chtulu, wearing the star on his head so that he can be part of that final alignment which awakens the dread god from his deep slumber at the bottom of the ocean…

End the Haberdouchery: The Starry Blight. I have to figure out why someone would tattoo “Shart” on their chest. I bet Kat’s snatch has had more sausages running around in it than Miller Park during the sixth inning sausage races. Shart and Kat FTW, and always bet on bratwurst.

Eliza Douchecoo: The King of Sears should win the weekly for being a a huge douche with stupid swim trunks, stupid tattoos, stupid spikey hair and ridiculous (stupid) sunglasses.

Colossus of Choads: Gotta be Starry Blight. Stop radiating that ‘tude man, just because someone said you were “good looking” once.

The Blight is toxic, well argued. Just not toxic enough to create douche aura. And barely coming in third, just one push away from second or even first place, the surprisingly underachieving Starhawk:

Battlescrote Gallactica: The Starhawk for the win…. He is to douchery what Ron Popeil is to infomercials. “Set it and forget it!”

ehcuodouche: Starhawk. I vote for anyone who stains quartasian hottness with the stench of axe and taint. Despite hours practising his signage, hawk remains as gangster as Gomer Pyle.

opie sardonicus: Oh, for a woodburning kit and time enough to burn Starhawk’s concentric constellation permanently into his pointy li’l head. Just the smell makes me giddy.

Justin: Starhawk’s face is too punchable for words. I gotta vote, as usual, for the high level of punchability.

Tall Guy: Baggle Axe’s groin shave reveal deserves a mention. As does The King of Sears’ look of superiority. But Starhawk, in an effort to elevate his whiney sneering presence to a higher state of being, takes such a comprehensive each way bet with his use of accessories that I am forced to cast my vote in his direction – in lieu of a large, glass-encrusted stone.

Starhawk didn’t win because he didn’t bring the innocent hotts the way the ‘Baggle Axe did. Lets turn it over to Hall of Mock veteran Troy Tempest to take us home:

Baggle Axe is every bit the ‘nozzle the other two are. He is a roided out greased up retarded boob surrounded by perfectly reasonable and sweet young women. The amount of contrast in this picture makes ET and Tyler look like blood brothers. Every time someone looks at this picture, a flock of morning doves flies into a woodchipper out of shame for living in the universe where this could happen.

Indeed, many doves have been woodchipped due to the ‘Baggle Axe’s G.S.R. So the ‘Baggle and the Marissas for the Monthly, and the DB1 for peppermint tea due to a hangover.

# posted by douchebag1
7:38 am July, 28 doucheywallnuts said...

Beware of the power of the golden helmet….

7:53 am July, 28 Bagnonymous said...

Congrats to the Marissa sisters. Now, all three of you–hop onto my penis at once!
.
Don’t worry about the ‘Baggle Axe. I’m sure he’s got his own leather-and-studs clad Sybian to ride off into the sunset without the three of you.

8:01 am July, 28 Troy Tempest said...

I think the upset victory by Baggle Axe was due to the desperate bleethiness of the other hotts. The Marissa sisters look like normal pleasant girls. Starhawk and Starry Blight’s girls are every bit the poo balls they are. But Baggle Axe and the Marissa sisters are just out of each other’s league altogether. It was the contrast that did it. Might as well of had Jabba the Hutt eating live kittens…

8:13 am July, 28 Wheezer said...

I’m actually not totally surprised by this turn of events. I had considered voting for this group based on the sheer number of non-bleethed hotts, but I was swayed by King Sharty’s royal douchitude and nipple crown.
.
I guess there can be only one true King, though, and He is in the HoS. I think FLYTEETH will remove some of my tarmal for overlooking that.

8:28 am July, 28 Flyteeth said...

@WHEEEZEWR
REASONABEL FUFCEN MEN CAND DISAAGREE AOBU THOTTS, SO NO FUCCNE TAMERAL IS LOST!
.
BUT I WILLS SAY THAT THE MARRIS A SISTERS WERE ONCE MIN MY FUCCEN DAYCARE, AND THEREOFERE ARE FILLE DOT THE BRING OF THERI CTUE LITTE DRESSES WITH TARMAL!

8:45 am July, 28 Medusa Oblongata said...

^ FLYTEETH!!! We’ve been wondering where you had gone. While you’re here, may I ask, what is suitable punishment for he whom has stolen my lawnmower?

8:46 am July, 28 Medusa Oblongata said...

I want to kiss all the Marissa sisters on the nose and give them a cookie. And that was meant literally.

8:54 am July, 28 Justin said...

Yah, this guy is in costume, so my first reaction is that his win doesn’t really count. On the other hand, it is incredibly douchey to accept a job like this, but this dumb dumb most likely can’t get a job anywhere else. Also, something about his douche aura tells me he doesn’t dress much differently when he is out at the club and “off the clock”…so part of the win must be chalked up to a perception of how he behaves outside of this single photo. As far as the hotts are concerned, I must agree that the girls are super tickle cutie-patooties, all delightful and sweet…so it is a well earned win.

9:18 am July, 28 Flyteeth said...

@MEDUSA!
THE PUJNISHMENT WILL BE INT TWEO PHASESE! FIRST< TARMAL WIL BE STIRPPPED AWAY FORM OTHE THEIF! SECOND, THE THEIF WIL BE BETATEN SAVAGELY WITH A FUCCEN 12TH CENTURY MACE THATS"S BEEN RUUBBED WITH POISON IVY LEAVBES!
.
SO LET IT BE FUCCEN DONE TO THE SLAPHWOAR!

9:20 am July, 28 Deltus said...

This was decided by repulsion of the bleeth. The other two were as douchey, but far more bleethy so not as disgusting.

9:57 am July, 28 Ümläüt Smäck Döwn said...

@Mëdüsä änd FYLTÜTH

Thë thïëf shöüld bë näïlëd tö ä cröss nëxt tö Jëëbüs.

10:24 am July, 28 Baron Von Goolo said...

Evidently every vote really does count. I may have to reexamine my complacency towards the weeklies.

10:25 am July, 28 Troy Tempest said...

Oh good – FLYTEETH is back. All is right with the world.

10:29 am July, 28 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

And Umlaut Smack Down!
.
The tear in the fabric of creation is mended.

5:43 pm July, 28 Steve L. said...

this is an upset alright.
THIS IS BAGGLE AAAAAAAAAAXE!
i bet that’s his battle cry.

6:00 pm July, 28 Wolfram said...

He really needs to be seal-clubbed !

4:56 pm July, 29 Baleen said...

test

4:57 pm July, 29 Baleen said...

testing

5:01 pm July, 29 Baleen said...

One more test

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