Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Reader Mail: Snooki Rings the Stock Bell, Pete Gives Up

—–

DB1, SIR!!!

I am no longer able to faithfully execute my duties in service to The War Against Taints on our Society. I must respectfully step down and relinquish my duties.

I know some might say that i’m taking the coward’s way out, but i happen to disagree. Isn’t there something to be said for letting a society that elevates the spectacle of self indulgence — to a point that it gives them complete control over the huddled masses — collapse into oblivion and the annals of history?

Surely at some point during the collapse of the roman empire, someone somewhere took a look at their society and thought to themselves, “You know this is pretty messed up. Not worth saving. F@ck it!”

Well, today that person is me.

I can carry on this battle no longer. I shall go commit hari kari using Four Prong, and shuffle off this mortal coil. I wish you the best, but i know at this point the battle is for naught.

Godspeed.

– Pete

—-

Was it over when the Jerseyites Jagerbombed Long Island Harbor?

Never say die, Pete. Never give up mocking.

# posted by douchebag1
11:08 am July, 27 Tony Ventresca said...

Dick Grasso come back, all is forgiven!

11:28 am July, 27 Fatness said...

The last tiny bit of trust I had in the NYSE…just died.

11:29 am July, 27 mr.reeve said...

Pete,

FUBAR comes to mind when I look around at our country and our world as a whole. Hopefully the non-douche and non-fuctards of the world can win this war against stupidity and douchebaggery. If not, all we can do is watch them out hair gel, accessorize, spend and hopefully end up with HIV after a night of unprotected drunk fucking of a skank. Too harsh?

11:30 am July, 27 bigphatnotadouche said...

No wonder why the economy is in the shitter.

11:34 am July, 27 Deltus said...

It’s never too late, Pete! No matter how bad it gets, the choadwanks and bleethpoo can always be used as fodder for The Most Dangerous Game. They are never completely useless.

11:35 am July, 27 Taint Nuthin But A G-Thang said...

Pete, sometimes we lose the game, but we must push on if we are to win the season, or our ultimate goal, The Championship. (Sorry for the gay sports references, but you get the picture.) Your soul has been damaged by the bags out there running amuck. It is only with great fortitude that we must soldier on if we are to clean our society of the giant cess pool of douchery filth that pollutes our culture. Stay with us Pete! Our army is not weak, but we need your mock to help keep us strong!

11:55 am July, 27 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Fuckk fucck fucckity fuckk fuckk motherfuccker shitfucck. Sorry, but that’s the stream of conscious thoughts I have when I look at these puss-filled boils on the ass of humanity.

.

Pete, it’s only a flesh wound. Not until they have cut off all of our arms and legs would we even begin to consider throwing in the towel. And even if that happened we could schlep our torso around to gnaw off their ankles. It just means that we must strengthen our efforts and get more new recruits for our army. “Til then we must continue our mock on land, on sea, and in the air (where appropriate).

12:04 pm July, 27 Whoop-di-douche said...

Pete who?

12:06 pm July, 27 Baleen said...

I’d like to have the gavel for about sixty seconds and as the bell rings, I will furiously smash Snooki and her crew of snot rags to a bloody pulp. Then I will scream, “I mad and I’m not gonna take it anymore!” Fucck all.

“TO THE CHOPPA!!”

12:11 pm July, 27 Whoop-di-douche said...

Peter Rabbit?

Peter Peter Pumpkin-Eater?

Peter Paul Mounds?

Saint Peter?

Peter the Great?

Peter and the Wolf?

Pete Rose?

For Pete’s Sake?

Peter Quince at the Harpsichord?

12:11 pm July, 27 Jacques Doucheteau said...

I feel you Pete. When the CEOs who ruined the economy get handed $800 billion of the taxpayers’ money (taxpayers whom they financially raped in the first place) to pad their exponentially increasing salaries, bonuses, and stock options – and then have the audacity to place self-indulgent scum of society narcissists as ceremonial initiators of wholesale fiscal misappropriation at the scene of the crime for the greatest example of capitalistic greed run amok in the whole history of the world – all would appear truly lost.

.

Mock on.

12:12 pm July, 27 Vin Douchal said...

It’s typical. Listen, the Dow Jones is only 30 companies and people live and die by the snake oil bullshit that surrounds their success or failure. THIRTY COMPANIES. I mean c’mon , Travelers Insurance? That’s those fucking scammers at Primerica. Think about it

.

First of all, the traders on the floor are shrill, hair trigger angry New Yorkers that kick their dog if they spill a drop of milk on the table. Their ups are sky high emotional ejaculations and their downs are borderline suicidal. These folks are in charge of affecting our 401(k)s ? These unstable Yankees fans? Shutup

.

Fuck the Dow Jones unless you buy some stock and only look at it twice a month. “Go Long” assholes.

.

If you want to make money buy real estate. There’s more millionaires made in real estate than that flea circus crap stock market.

.

All the proof of shadiness you need , brothers, is in the photo above.

12:15 pm July, 27 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

As if we didn’t already know that wall street was filled with hubristic clowns grateful for douchebaggery.

12:18 pm July, 27 Suzanne Pratt said...

Three years ago, I invested over three hundred thousand dollars in the Stock Market.

After seeing this picture I cashed out all my stocks.

My only question now is; where should I invest the twelve hundred dollars I have left?

12:20 pm July, 27 UFO Destroyers said...

Warning: Stream of Conciousness Rant Approaching.

.

I suppose it is the embodiment of mass consumerism that these taint stains still have not exercised their 15 minutes of fame. The viewing of their shows only go to prolong the shelf life of this lifestyle. As it once was said of certain Bravo shows, this is just a 21st century version of the minstral shows. The mocking was done openly by all, yet the show went on because the viewing public had to purchase the tickets to witness the show. Now this spectacle is on 834 channels of digital HD cable piped directly into your den, living room, or hell, even behind your bathroom mirror if so desired. The end of all this begins by either turning off the TV and putting down the remote control, or switching over to the Military channel and fantisizing that The Situation’s melon was on the end of one of R.Lee Ermy’s 1911 .45 rounds instead of defenseless watermelons.

.

And yes, I do remember that the Bossman here introduced Snooki to the world in the first season of his show. You’d think that ridicule would drive people to change things in their lives to make them better as a whole. But instead, the House of Audiger grows as we speak to create Ed Hardy Trapper Keeppers.

.

End of rant. For what it’s worth.

12:25 pm July, 27 Bagnonymous said...

I wholly concur with the illustrious comments of Messrs. Jacques Doucheteau and Vin Douchal.

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Hot Chicks? Certainly not in this picture. Douchebags? Why, yes–but they’re out of the camera shot, somewhere down on the floor kicking around little pieces of paper and flashing hand signs at one another…

12:30 pm July, 27 jonezy said...

In other news, even our legos are turning into douchebags

12:37 pm July, 27 Troy Tempest said...

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible make violent revolution inevitable.

12:38 pm July, 27 Mr. Biggs said...

Oh, c’mon, how bad is this really? Like the Snookis and Situations of this world aren’t all future stockbrokers and oil company executives. Doesn’t the perpetual bathing in grease tell you something?

Then again, I already relish and celebrate the decline of our society as the glorious working out of karma. I do believe Edgar Allen Poe detailed in the Fall of the House of Usher. Just grab an easy chair and some popcorn and watch the decay into a zombie apocalypse.

12:41 pm July, 27 Jacques Doucheteau said...

I think this is what Brother Cornell West was referring to when he spoke of “moral constipation”.

.

More like moral bowel impaction.

12:59 pm July, 27 tall guy said...

Hang on, Pete, you’re not forgetting what happened in Germany are you? We mock for a number of reasons. The primary one being that if we stop we forfeit our right to mock. The douche menace needs constant belittling.

1:09 pm July, 27 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

When you think about what’s been done to this country’s economy, those polyps are probably the most harmless tools to enter the trading floors in the past, oh, ten years.

.

As with all cultural wars you have to decide which is the better strategy; cutting off the supply or eliminating the demand. A cut gas line and a lit Zippo in the Audiger mansion might do something about the supply of ungodly product. A few good old fashioned internment camps in central Utah might slow the demand a bit.

.

Hell, lets just do both. And to avoid imploding with rage I must echo esteemed words of our colleague in mock, Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche, Fuckk, fucck, fuckkitty fuckk!

.

Pass me the Tylenol.

1:16 pm July, 27 DayGloGuido said...

The heavy clang of parasitical, polyethylene-baked doom…

Although a period of darkness has fallen cloaking all it touches in oozing bronzer spore, it is still important to remind ourselves that even though this heaving mass of dripping, UV blasted detritus has temporarily blocked out the true light of the sun, rest assured, there will again come a time when the only bell that Bastey Choptop and the Boulderheads will be ringing is the one to fetch Nurse Trout-pout to rub Repairex on their hulking great Melanoma scars.

Also – Note Pointo Sheldoam on the far left and his laser beam finger of cashew-buttered omnipotence. A sure sign of the the financial wasteland that lays ahead of us..

1:18 pm July, 27 tall guy said...

And while on the subj. of C. Audiger, I attended a funeral a while back in Bondi, a suburb of Sydney (where I live, and Australia’s most iconic beach – also, not unsurprisingly one of the douchiest…) Anyway, having never been inside an Ed Hardy shop I entered for a look. I didn’t stay long, such was my disgust, but somehow the beautiful female creature sales assistant managed to extract an email address from me and now I get regular updates on sales (this month the shop is having its Biggest Hoody Sale). Fuck you, Hardy!

1:53 pm July, 27 Vin Douchal said...

Who is DayGloGuido @1:16 ? That was an epic post for a utility infielder. Nice job

.

laser beam finger of cashew-buttered omnipotence FTW

2:00 pm July, 27 Chad Kroeger said...

I agree with all of the above here as well.

2:08 pm July, 27 Et Tu Douche? said...

Wow!!!!!, I love the responses, well said fellow Bag hunters don’t give up the fight. For the past year or so I thought I was losing my mind having been witness to the self centered, narcissistic, shallow state society has become on what seems like a 24 hr basis. It is reassuring to find out that although we mock we mock with purpose and strong conviction to bring attention to the current ill’s of society.

.

For what it’s worth I think Face Book is equally complicitous & insidious in dumbing down our society. It’s a shame how this and texting seems to be the main mode of “communicating” these days.

2:25 pm July, 27 Douchble Helix said...

The greatest meeting of shit and shit in recorded history.

Funny thing, though. The exchange president is always in those celeb photos. Not this time.

2:28 pm July, 27 Douchble Helix said...

Making it a close race, and amazingly, on the same day, for greatest ever meeting of shit and shit, are Michael Steele and Andrew Breitbart.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/earl-ofari-hutchinson/gops-invitation-to-breiba_b_660662.html

2:44 pm July, 27 Wedgie said...

And the Dow was up a whole 12 points today. Gee, thanks Snooki.

Bitch.

3:31 pm July, 27 darksock said...

I believe that’s “…anals of history….”, Boss.

3:42 pm July, 27 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

In a tangentially related note, GlaxoSmithKline’s stock was up today. Go figure.

3:57 pm July, 27 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Oh, dear. So much for my 401K…and mutual funds…damn, just damn.

4:09 pm July, 27 DayGloGuido said...

Muchos Gratitudes to Vin Douchel and sack full of 45° hand slides in his direction for welcoming a Bagging Freshman to the site.

Jersey Shores has just reached ours across the pond.

I came looking for refuge.

4:32 pm July, 27 Doucheland Uber Alles said...

Hey, now we know who’s really running the Treasury Department, the OMB, the Senate Finance Committee, the House Ways & Means Committee and the Federal Reserve. All along it was a buncha fuckin’ JoizyBags.

Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

4:34 pm July, 27 Stephanie said...

No wonder why the economy is in the shitter.

My thoughts exactly. This is a new low.

5:12 pm July, 27 Wake Up said...

Nice rants by most but some of you tards are still drinking the “hope” & “change” BS for sure. They are all owned by the major corporations and those who stand up get quieted or less media coverage. To sat Steele and Breitbart are like shit n shit meeting says you don’t fucking get it. Distractions! Distractions! Tha’s all the media covers. Who cares if they meet. Will either one of those men help get our country of debt or make things better. No! Neither will Olberman, O’Reilly, Mahr or Beck. All men who live off of making points about what the “left” or “right” are doing wrong for ratings. They can all fuck off. Form a fucking opinion on your own or we are all going to end up like Snookie and the Jersey bags. Zombies and slaves to the rich.

No one give up or surrender! Fuck em all and keep on pushing towards a better America. That goes for douche bag mocking as well. Fuck em all too!

6:08 pm July, 27 Steve L. said...

Pete, the most merciful way for you to die is to read Liar’s Poker by Michael Lewis. unlike the Jersey Shore cast, just reading the damn book will kill you (mercifully, that is). here’s a nice, warm, and fuzzy summary from Wikipedia:

During the training sessions, Lewis was struck by the infantilism of most of his fellow trainees. Examples include, but were not limited to: yelling at and insulting financial experts who talked to them, calling phone sex lines and then broadcasting them over the company’s intercom, gambling on every perceivable thing (including how long it took certain trainees to fall asleep during lectures), and their incredible lust for money and contempt for any position or job that didn’t make that much.

.

Lewis attributed their behavior to the fact that the trading pit required neither finesse nor advanced financial knowledge, but rather, the ability and desire to exploit others’ weaknesses, intimidate other people into listening to you, and generally the ability to spend hours a day screaming orders under high pressure situations. He referred to their worldview as “The Law of the Jungle.”

6:14 pm July, 27 Steve L. said...

and for all of you who failed to die after reading Liar’s Poker, you will live a treacherously tortured and zombified life. take it from me.

7:37 pm July, 27 Whoop-di-douche said...

Stock market is just another form of legalized gambling with its own set of bells and whistles.

Always has been. I’d worry more about letting people like Geithner with his unpaid back taxes at the time get ushered into the Treasury office so easily.

1:05 am July, 28 Medusa Oblongata said...

^ God Damnit, mediator fail!

.

I’d say this is a metaphorical oroborus. The snake eating its own tail. the circle of choad is now complete. *strips naked and puts shotgun in mouth*

8:47 am July, 28 Douchble Helix said...

Just noticed the Viacom banner. I think the Chief works with that mob…

8:48 am July, 28 Douchble Helix said...

Looking at these guys, it’s like Saturday Night Fever never ended.

You know why?

Because for these guys, it hasn’t.

9:00 am July, 28 Fatness said...

@ darksock, 3:31 pm July, 27

.

“I believe that’s “…anals of history….””

.

If you turn the picture upside down, you’ll see the anal polyps of history…

11:19 am July, 28 Baron Von Goolo said...

These are the end times…

12:11 pm July, 29 Baleen said...

test

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