Thursday, July 29, 2010

Reader Mail: Soldier “A” Loses Faith in Humanity Because of Douchebags


—–
Dear DB 1.

I’ve been in the army for 10 years. I’m currently deployed for the 3rd time to the Wild Wild West A.K.A Afghanistan.

I’m happy to say that this will be my last tour because I’m getting out of the Army. The reason being is a combination of your site and the fact that I lost all faith in humanity.

After 9/11 and Iraq I thought that being a soldier and fighting for American people and possibly dying for my country was the greatest achievement I could ever accomplish. Sadly now my views have changed.

I don’t believe our society along with Douchbags found on our site, Lindsey Lohans, and Jersey shore morons is worth saving! I could never live with myself knowing that each day young 20-something American Soldiers lose their lives while we get to watch, read, and hear about the cast of Jersey Shore ring the opening bell on the NY stock exchange!!!

-A

—-

Have faith, A, and when you get your ass back stateside, I’m giving you one more mission: Hott Saving. To paraphrase the Torah, he who saves one Hott from a preening pretend tough-guy douchebag, saves the world.

You’ve served your country. Now, when you get home, get to work saving the hott from the ‘bag. Only then will your mission be accomplished.

# posted by douchebag1
7:14 am July, 29 saulgoode42 said...

General Pattin’ Her Ass!

7:17 am July, 29 Mr. White said...

Why are these people partying in the median strip on I-80?

7:20 am July, 29 mr.reeve said...

A, look at those boobs on the left and fuck Jersey Shore!
When you return may your face be blessed with giant boobs like the ones pictured for you to plant your face between for as long as you want.

7:23 am July, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Semper..oh fuuck it. Good luck Eh!

7:24 am July, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

The Sands of Iwo Jewma. Oy Douchey.

7:56 am July, 29 Et Tu Douche? said...

Stay strong solider “A”, while we mock, we mock with purpose to someday eradicate this egocentric, narcissistic, mass marketed pile of poo. In the mean time focus on the Hott.

7:59 am July, 29 Eliza Douchecoo said...

The chick in front can borrow my schick quattro for her upper lip if she’ll let me motorboat her friend.

8:09 am July, 29 Steve said...

I think this guy’s letter is half joking. He probably wants to leave for other reasons, but the whole “guido/jersey shore” thing is just a way of kidding around. I’m sure that when you go into the army/marines/air force/navy, they give you a VERY clear idea of what you’re fighting for.

And it’s not guidos, hotts, or ho-hos.

8:11 am July, 29 Claude Douchenburg said...

Douchedom isn’t free. But the ubiquitous red cup is.

8:20 am July, 29 Mr. Biggs said...

DB1, verily you make this weary soldier shed a patriotic tear. Thanks for keeping the faith alive.

Or would you prefer this hymn?

For the record, I never enlisted. But the nation of Israel is surrounded by enemies on all sides. The culture war is as important as any territorial wars.

8:27 am July, 29 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

You’re clearly suffering form combat fatigue. As soon as you return, there may well be a “veteran’s spa experience” waiting for you.

That would surely be ass pear.

8:30 am July, 29 Crucial Head said...

@-A
.
On your way back, could you stop by my office in LA and drop off, in a discrete, unmarked brown bag, a few ounces of those delicious opium poppies?
.
Much obliged.

8:37 am July, 29 Deltus said...

You’re fighting for douche-mockers as well! And for hotts with racks like the one on the left above! Surely the inadvertent saving of some choadwank is worth saving those two groups alone.

8:40 am July, 29 Captain Garanichode said...

I salute the mammy sacks

8:41 am July, 29 scrotum pole said...

@ Mr White 7:17
.
Because all the McDonald’s parking lots had “NO FROLICKING” signs posted.

8:43 am July, 29 Douchble Helix said...

Soldier A, stay in the reserves. My dad did that after WW II. He earned this killer health health care called Tri-Care For Life. Whatever medicare didn’t pay, Tri-Care picked up. Same doctors and hospitals as the rest of the civilians. $100,00 icu bill? He owed $0. Oh, how he loved to show those around to everyone!

Thanks for your service!

I think those are old hippies that got stuck, or unstuck in time. Being a military theme, not unlike those Japanes soldiers after WW II that didn’t know the war had ended. They’d be found decades later living in huts, or some shit.

But they didn’t have that huge-tittied broad with them.

8:47 am July, 29 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ A,
.
You state “After 9/11 and Iraq I thought that being a soldier and fighting for American people and possibly dying for my country was the greatest achievement I could ever accomplish. Sadly now my views have changed. ..I could never live with myself knowing that each day young 20-something American Soldiers lose their lives while we get to watch, read, and hear about the cast of Jersey Shore ring the opening bell on the NY stock exchange!!!
.
While I’ve never served (was too big a pussy at 18 and a spate of injuries later) I do work at a “unique” institution of higher learning where I have contact with numerous men and women from the armed forces. I hope that gives me even the smallest bit of credibility but that’s OK if it doesn’t. It is precisely for these 20 year-old soldiers that you are fighting. They gave their all in the line of duty and so should you. Yes, it may seem like we live in the most fucked up of times but you and all your buddies are out there protecting us from far greater potential threats. It would be even worse to give up, go with the flow, say “fuck it” and then find yourself morphing into what you once despised. I view that kind of attitude as just as dangerous, maybe even more, than those that see something they can change but don’t get off their asses and do something about it. Sure, here we mock a bunch people for their narcissistic, self-indulgent consumerism because the mass media tell them that’s what they should be doing and we do it from the comfy confines of offices or at home but you can make a bigger difference. Get on a friend’s shit for buying an Ed Tardy shirt, smack anyone in the mouth that calls you a “‘bro”, go to a club and mock the fist-pumping steroidbag. I’ll guarantee he’ll back down because he’s really an insecure pussy. Keep fighting in any and all possible ways when you get back. And make sure you get back, we need you here too. Until then, watch your six, cover your buddies, and make sure you reach that wake up call. Thanks for all you’re doing too and never let anyone tell you that what you did was a waste of time.
.
Best,
Doc Bunsen

8:55 am July, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Black Hawk Bringdown.

9:02 am July, 29 DayGloGuido said...

Van Pratten was thoroughly peeved to discover the fabled “Spot” was no more than the scrub land beyond Brokowski’s dad’s golf course.
“Why did I haul all that H2O here” he mused while spitting out a mouthful.

‘The Broster’, meanwhile, was wondering whether he’d have to cut through some swamp grass of his own…

9:17 am July, 29 Bagnonymous said...

Full Metal Jump-offs

9:18 am July, 29 Fatness said...

“Douchbags, Lindsey Lohans, and Jersey shore morons”
.
‘A’, in a cruelly ironic twist, one of the sure signs that you are doing your job brilliantly is that we have to put up with the douchebags, Lindsey Lohans, and Jersey shore morons.
.
Keep your head up high, soldier, and dream of motor-boating that rack on the left above.

9:22 am July, 29 Fatness said...

On the other hand, what is with the brown-topped skank with the camo-hat-tilted, kissy-lipped, bead-blinged, URC-d stage-3 bleeth pose? She’s the biggest douchebag in the frame… blecch.

10:06 am July, 29 Douchelips said...

WOW! Look at the Golden Globes sported on the hott on the left!

10:08 am July, 29 Et Tu Douche? said...

Solider “A”
.
I would add this to what the good Dr mentioned earlier
.
“Get on a friend’s shit for buying an Ed Tardy shirt, smack anyone in the mouth that calls you a “‘bro”, go to a club and mock the fist-pumping steroidbag”
.
I’m not sure how you guys & gals in the armed force feel about this but the next time you’re stateside and see some pud-wank scroat wearing a fake dog tag please, and I think I speak for a few on this forum, rip it off their necks and if need be punch their fuccen teeth loose.

10:40 am July, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Apocalypse Wow. Just wow.

11:00 am July, 29 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

“Well shit, when Skeeter’s truck rolled over because he tried to take the turn a might too quick, all the shit fell out just right to have a party in Ol’ man Simpson’s cow pasture. And then his skanky daughters come arunnin’ when they smelled the beer an’ all, hell we knew the drink was on ‘bro. WOOOOOO!”

5:01 pm July, 29 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

Stay safe, A, and thanks for all you’re doing.

Get home safely.

11:33 pm July, 29 Steve L. said...

hey A, at least if you’re in Iraq (i hope the same applies to Afghanistan), there’d be no douchebags. this guy said so:

Most Memorable Scene — In the middle of the night, on a dusty airfield, watching the better part of a battalion of Marines packed up and ready to go home after over six months in al-Anbar, the relief etched in their young faces even in the moonlight. Then watching these same Marines exchange glances with a similar number of grunts loaded down with gear file past — their replacements. Nothing was said. Nothing needed to be said.

Highest Unit Re-enlistment Rate — Any outfit that has been in Iraq recently. All the danger, all the hardship, all the time away from home, all the horror, all the frustrations with the fight here — all are outweighed by the desire for young men to be part of a band of brothers who will die for one another. They found what they were looking for when they enlisted out of high school. Man for man, they now have more combat experience than any Marines in the history of our Corps.

3:30 am July, 30 Scroteophobic said...

@SteveL
Try telling that to the Ed Hardy air freshener the last occupant of my billet left behind…

10:55 am July, 30 Scroteophobic said...

BTW I mean that in reply to the bit about there being no DBs. I’d never insult the forces generally, and certainly not the marines who have faced some of the toughest conditions and hardest fighting of all.

1:11 pm July, 30 Stephanie said...

A-you’re doing a real job, which is the real world. The other fucks you mention are just using up their last 15 minutes of fake fame. Men in uniform are sexy.

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