Thursday, July 29, 2010

Speedo Mike = Autodouche

I don’t care if you’ve committed no other culture crimes whatsoever.

No Groin Shave Reveal, no bizarre facial fung, no orange tan, no spikey faux, no Axe bodyspray, no tribal tatts, no hand gestures, no popped collar and no excessive bling.

If you wear a speedo, you are autodouche.

No exemptions.

No one wants to see your bits, Mike. I realize you’re a salesman at Best Buy in Reno, and this is your one weekend to let loose, but no excuses. You are ‘Bag.

Carrie and Corrie, I realize both of you need to eat a cheeseburger. But I will forgive you your lack of caloric intake by massaging your ankles with melted garlic and a touch of ginger. Because I care.

# posted by douchebag1
4:18 pm July, 29 Crucial Head said...

These girls are so skinny they could cannonball through a paper shredder unscathed.

4:19 pm July, 29 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I may be wrong here but I think their combined weight equals his I.Q.

4:20 pm July, 29 Crucial Head said...

These girls are so skinny their bones technically make an exoskeleton.

4:23 pm July, 29 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

OK Crucial, I’ll bite.

.

These girls are so skinny I used the one on the left to floss my teeth after I used the one on the right to pick some cereal out of a molar.

4:24 pm July, 29 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

These girls are so skinny that when they’re surfing the crimson wave a tampon triples their body weight.

4:27 pm July, 29 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Uh Boss, not to be technical and all, but you can’t see what apparently ain’t there. Just sayin’.

4:32 pm July, 29 Fatness said...

Skeletor on the left has a nice pear though. Probably what keeps her from blowing away in a slight breeze.

.

As for Mike…he’s the poster child for midlife desperation.

4:32 pm July, 29 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Those girls are so skinny that when they walk around the pool it sounds like the continual toppling of Lincoln Log houses.

4:39 pm July, 29 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

These girls are so skinny that when they stand near any strong light they’re a better model that the

visible woman.

4:40 pm July, 29 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

These girls are so skinny you can tell what they had for breakfast a good three hours later.

4:48 pm July, 29 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

A pre-Friday haiku:

.

Tie-dyed Spped-o makes

Mike think he’s “top dog”. The girls

just want some pudding.

.

.

WOW, that sucked. Rusty from teaching summer school.

4:49 pm July, 29 Mr. Biggs said...

Too bad, with a bit of sculpted body hair, he could be Zangief.

4:49 pm July, 29 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

^ Spped-o. Hmmmmm…. Get some fuccen typing skills asshole.

4:56 pm July, 29 Vin Douchal said...

I love’s me some these two wimmin. Crunchy cheezy delights wrapped in a graham cracker crust. They are equally delicious

.

.

Inside that godawful Speedo, MIke’s bits include :

– pubes shaved/shaped like the Chicago Cubs logo

– stinky batwings

– swamp ass

– a small tattoo of a horseshoe

– tiny, shit stained toilet paper clumps

– spilled crouton crumbs from lunch

– a wadded up note from his mother reminding him to put the mandibular advancement splints in so he doesn’t snore himself to death at night

5:03 pm July, 29 Vin Douchal said...

Inside that godawful Speedo, MIke’s bits also include :

– a 2008 L.A. Lakers schedule

– a cheat sheet from his company’s sexual harrasment seminar quiz

– his DUI lawyer’s business card

– a cocktail napkin with made up phone numbers from both of these gals

– a small bruise the size of the toe of a high heel on his ass left cheek

– headphones for an iPod Nano

– an iPod Nano

– A Player’s Club card from Fitzgerald’s Casino

5:09 pm July, 29 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Go ahead and massage their ankles. I’ll fee ’em sliders. Guess who’ll they will thank in the morning?

5:23 pm July, 29 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Well, to put it more carefully, no one wants to see itty-bits. Big bits are a lot more interesting to gays and straight females. If Speedos are auto-douche, how come all those swim club mothers are constantly commenting about the teenage boys who compete along with their other sons and daughters. DB1, you may have missed the cultural phenom of the great midwest by failing to attend swim meets.

I mean, it gets dicey and brutal.

5:28 pm July, 29 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

And don’t even get me started on diving meets. I mean, sometimes those skimpy Speedos have been known to slide off when the meat hits the water.

As for Mike here, he might be best presented while under the water. Just have him stay away form females, as thye’ve been well known to do the groin-knee-jerk-up on unsuspecting males during an innocent chat about “whatever happened to my bikini-top? It’s, like, totally missing!”

5:32 pm July, 29 creature said...

really boss, auto-douche? the creatch rocks a banana hammock under his boardies, always! keeps the package in check like a jock… avoids the scary nudity scene if body whompin in some sizeable swell when the suit gets whooshed off… also prevents the sausage fallout when scratchin inappropriately. not opposed to baggin some rays in em either when visiting some less uptight tropical spots not overrun by obnoxious yaqui puds & populated by topless femmes…. get some!

5:41 pm July, 29 Medusa Oblongata said...

These girls are so skinny, they get stuck in the comb at the hairdresser’s.

.

If that asshole would have shared his lunch with those two, everyone would look better.

.

Sorry, Speedo is a no-go no matter what. Dave Barry once likened it to “a rubber band restraining a pork chop”. In this dude’s case, it’s more like a pool tarp restraining a peanut. Either way, the only time I wanna get familiar with the outline of your junk is if it’s pressed against my leg in some hot, pre-coital mashing.

5:42 pm July, 29 Medusa Oblongata said...

These girls are so skinny, they can save on airfare by taking a paper airplane.

5:43 pm July, 29 Medusa Oblongata said...

These girls are so skinny the one on the left nearly choked to death on a Tic-Tac.

5:43 pm July, 29 Medusa Oblongata said...

These girls are so skinny, they use band-aids for skirts.

5:44 pm July, 29 Medusa Oblongata said...

These girls are so skinny, they have to hold hands when they walk in the city in case one of ’em slips down the subway grating.

5:44 pm July, 29 Yes said...

Hot Sticks with Douchebags.

She should meet Jed; they might be able to make 100 lbs on the same scales.

5:45 pm July, 29 Medusa Oblongata said...

These girls are so skinny, their dogs chase them like sticks.

5:45 pm July, 29 Medusa Oblongata said...

These girls are so skinny, they can go through a screen door without opening it.

5:48 pm July, 29 Medusa Oblongata said...

These girls are so skinny, a paper cut is an amputation. Thank you! I’ll be here all week.

5:48 pm July, 29 End the Haberdouchery said...

These girls are so skinny, African children send them money.

5:49 pm July, 29 End the Haberdouchery said...

These girls are so skinny, the last time they went outside a stiff breeze blew them to the next county.

6:07 pm July, 29 mr.reeve said...

Autodouche is an understatement when talking about Speedos. These chicks need some PROTEIN in their diet. I am not sure Mike can help out either but I know how can!

Smuggling plumbs this evening Michael?

6:17 pm July, 29 mr.reeve said...

^who not how. whoops

6:26 pm July, 29 Mr. White said...

These girls are so skinny that when they came to the playpen, Medusa and I kept getting them confused with the ropes.

6:36 pm July, 29 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Those girls are so skinny they use Q-tips instead of tampons.

6:37 pm July, 29 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Those girls are so skinny their labias are translucent.

6:38 pm July, 29 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Those girls are so skinny when you fuck ’em, you scrape dick skin off on their spine.

6:40 pm July, 29 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Those girls are so skinny, when you cum in their mouth their body mass index goes up 3.5 points.

6:41 pm July, 29 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Those girls are so skinny, you can hit their G-spot by blowing genty at their stomach.

6:43 pm July, 29 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Those girls are so skinny, their waste size increases when you’re fucking them.

6:47 pm July, 29 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Those girls are so skinny they can self-induce fetal miscarriage by sneezing.

6:48 pm July, 29 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Those girls are so skinny you can perform an abortion on them with a toothpick and a Swiffer Sweeper.

6:56 pm July, 29 Anonymous said...

Sure looks like Jeremy Piven to me…

7:07 pm July, 29 Eliza Douchecoo said...

These girls are so skinny they’ll never look at me twice…now I cry myself to sleep…by the way Carrie on the left has a superb posterior.

7:51 pm July, 29 doucheywallnuts said...

Speedo Mike = Auto Vomit

I love skinny dames and I vote genetic over anorexic.

7:52 pm July, 29 Welcome to Douchetralia said...

In Douchetralia we call ’em Budgie Smugglers or Dickstickers – they are definitely autodouche – not even competitive swimmers use ’em anymore!

7:58 pm July, 29 Baron Von Goolo said...

@ End the Haberdouchery 5:48

.

WIN!

.

@ End the Haberdouchery 5:49

.

Never mind.

8:11 pm July, 29 Baron Von Goolo said...

That girl is so skinny, a vulture gave her a sandwich.

.

That girl is so skinny, her shadow looks like a lollipop.

.

That girl is so skinny, she’s invisible to black men.

8:46 pm July, 29 Troy Tempest said...

This girl is so skinny because she eats one hot meal a day:

.

a bowl of steam.

9:06 pm July, 29 Stephanie said...

Wow,you guys surprise me,your always grunting about how women have to be thin,for you to even like them….and your haters for too skinny or too fat…man,does anyone fit the bill?

It’s the guy in the bright red speedo you should be whining about. Seeing Mike’s bits is hard to look at,since he hasn’t got much to be showing off in the first place….but hey,I don’t want to see it that clearly anyways…I don’t even want to see a large or small one that clearly….I’d rather see men wearing board shorts that’s less faggy,at least.

9:07 pm July, 29 creature said...

that girl is so skinny she her front door is a mail slot

9:08 pm July, 29 creature said...

that girl is so skinny she craps washers

9:09 pm July, 29 creature said...

that girl is so skinny she only fucks stick figures

9:10 pm July, 29 creature said...

that girl is so skinny she makes 2 ply look like a slab

9:12 pm July, 29 creature said...

that girl is so skinny she makes Twiggy look like Plinky’s mom

9:15 pm July, 29 creature said...

that girl is so skinny she makes Speedo Mike’s dick look big…..er, maybe not quite that skinny

9:37 pm July, 29 creature said...

that girl is so skinny when she farts she loses body mass

10:29 pm July, 29 Steve L. said...

that girl is so skinny that the diameter of Mike’s speedo is wider than the length of both of her arms combined.

10:38 pm July, 29 DarkSock said...

That girl is so skinny only fleas hear her farts.

10:40 pm July, 29 DarkSock said...

That girl is so skinny her crotch and her eyelashes have to time-share hairs.

10:41 pm July, 29 DarkSock said...

That girl is so skinny she wipes her ass with dental floss.

10:53 pm July, 29 DarkSock said...

That girl is so skinny when she jogs it sounds like Nancy Pelosi spilling a bottle of aspirin down a flight of hardwood stairs in an over-priced New Hampshire bed and breakfast.

.

.

If you are from New Hampshire be aware that everyone hates you and hopes your entire state catches fire.

.

.

For the same reason people hate the “with a name like Smuckers it has to be good”, or “Peppa-Ridge Fohm Remembahs”.

.

.

Die you Stentorian-sounding Fucks! DIE!

.

.

.

…sorry…

10:56 pm July, 29 DarkSock said...

That girl is so skinny her doctor told her to start using mayonnaise for personal lubricant.

11:04 pm July, 29 the Success Ladder said...

Very interesting article, thanks. Keep up the good work.

2:42 am July, 30 Crocodile Dun Douche said...

I like to think I haven’t done to much wrong in my life. But why god, why do you continue to punish me like this. Speedo Mike, mark down this day… you are now my enemy. Know this to be true, I will have my vengence!

6:22 am July, 30 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Funny stuff.

6:37 am July, 30 Mr. White said...

@darksock

Whenever I see the NH license plates with “Live Free or Die” on them, I take the second part as an invitation.

9:32 am July, 30 Captain Garanichode said...

Enough with the plum smugglers, ohh and that dude in the speedo…

12:08 am August, 1 plastic surgeon said...

These girls look really old due to over-tanning.

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