Monday, July 5, 2010

The Mountinis

With a backlog of amazing submissions, this week is chock full of ‘bag, so while there may not be a vote, lets get our mock on.

First up, Canada’s shameful The Mountinis.

A modern conceptual inversion of the rural and rugged Canadian Mounties, The Mountinis tan and shave with the worst of douche culture. And are hitting on Kimberly with fullblown global Grieco Virus in effect.

Yikes.

Next thing you know, they’ll start sipping Appletinis like the true oranged up roidbags they are.

Blame Canada?

Don’t mind if I do.

# posted by douchebag1
10:03 am July, 5 Anonymous said...

WTF?

10:21 am July, 5 Tony Ventresca said...

If I was in a public park and this quartet walked past, I would do one or more of the following:

1. Whip out my lupara and blow them away.

2. Call the authorities and report… well, I don’t know what I’d report but I’d start screaming at the 911 switchboard and let them jump to conclusions.

3. Throw peanuts at the douches.

4. Laugh after doing the math and realizing that there are three douchbags and she’s got three holes. Someone’s gonna be sore in the morning.

5. ???

6. ???

10:23 am July, 5 ice-9 said...

Cory, Trever, you guys are SO fucking STUPID.

You CANNOT flip off ANYONE with those bullshit drinks in front of you boys.

Now get back to stealin’ barbeques & parking meter change.

10:35 am July, 5 Bag Margera said...

I’ve been following Canadian douche traits for a while, and by the classless ensemble above, my guess is this is somewhere around Ottawa. My second guess would be Edmonton. It wasn’t Toronto that’s for sure, otherwise none of them would be smiling.

10:38 am July, 5 Bag Margera said...

Scratch that. I change my guess, based on the multi-identity confusion of this wretch’s tattoos and hairstyle. This has to be Niagra-On-The-Lake.

10:56 am July, 5 mr.reeve said...

If you have a girly drink in front of you and no chick around you are an automatic asshole, pussy boy. F you 3 d-bags! Roids and girly drinks? Wow. These guys are as bad as the 3 dancing bags who were bragging about taking jello shots. I think some of these douchebags are borderline gay. If we find out these 3 roidbags are gaybags, it will not surprise me.

11:06 am July, 5 Whoop-di-douche said...

Chet Tattwanker enjoys an Appletini with his homey Chuck Waggin’ after a long day at their jobs of trimming hedges and topiaries for the local estate owner, who also happens to be Chet’s designer hairstylist..

11:07 am July, 5 Douchble Helix said...

What’s with that dude’s Widow’s Peak hair doo?

Otherwise, two words: Trailer. Park. Boys.

11:08 am July, 5 Whoop-di-douche said...

Kimberly is under the sway of these Mountini turkeys, and squats to gobble.

11:08 am July, 5 Troy Tempest said...

Don’t be so hasty to blame Canada. This is definitely Niagara Falls. These could be douche trash from Jerz or Lawn Guy Lind – it’s just a day’s drive. And the Canadian flag? You can get one ANYWHERE there for not much more than a toonie.

.

Are they definitely Ugly Americans checking out the better side of the Falls? Are they definitely fecal people from Scarborough or Markham or Hamilton or Windsor or Toronto? No idea either way. But given their location, do not be so hasty to judge. We need more evidence.

11:09 am July, 5 Whoop-di-douche said...

Man, DB1, just looking at this photo gives me the LaBatt’s blues.

11:11 am July, 5 Whoop-di-douche said...

Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy are rolling over in their graves while spitting out “Canadian Lovesong.”

11:13 am July, 5 Whoop-di-douche said...

Guy Lombardo and his Royal Canadians stoopped dead cold in their holiday rendition of “Auld Lang Syne”…

Wait.

Wrong holiday.

11:17 am July, 5 Whoop-di-douche said...

The two on the left would make fine general mounts for the RCMPs, but the one on the right is a literal drafthorse and should be hitched to a wagon and bridled firmly and beat with a fly tickler on his horse’s ass.

I volunteer Kimberly for the job.

11:24 am July, 5 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Why, oh why did he have to glue the pecker of the dog that Crucial jacked off to his forehead? Didn’t the dog suffer enough? Oh the humanity.

.

Re: second pic…Are they in a bar at a mall? Why is pecker-forehead flipping off his drink? Is it too strong for him? Shit looks like Listerene in a martini glass. Hey bartender, I’ll give you $20 (that’s like $50 Canadian eh?) if you mix Windex and anti-freeze and serve it to this douche.

11:33 am July, 5 Vin Douchal said...

At risk of getting beaten up by a tough queer, one would have to ask monstorsity on the right there just what he’s going for with that look.

.

Are you a gay Stingray? And if so, why did one of youse guys kill Steve Irwin?

.

Are you a vomit model?

.

Do your parents talk to you anymore, I mean other than to say, “No. You aren’t invited to Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner.” ?

.

When you chose that hairstyle, where you high on PCP?

.

Has a woman ever said anything to you other than “Eeeewww..!” ?

.

Are you a pitcher or a catcher?

.

Etc.

11:43 am July, 5 Wheezer said...

I’ve been outside the United States only one time in my life, and that was on a trip to Niagara Falls with the ex. One of the things we remarked upon was that there were people constantly going around picking up trash.

.

Either they missed the big chunks or this is on the American side.

11:43 am July, 5 Doucheasaurus Rex said...

Our country reeks of trees

Our yaks are really large

And they smell like rotting beef carcuses

And we have to clean up after them

And our sadle sores are the best

We proudly wear womens’ clothing

And seering sandblows up our skirts!

And the buzzards, they soar overhead

And poisonous snakes will devour us whole

And our bones will bleach in the sun

That’s it!

And we will probably go to (censored)

And that is our great reward

For being the

Ro-oy-oy-al

Canadian Kilted Yaksmen!

12:16 pm July, 5 Deltus said...

I’m with Troy, we cannot know for sure that these bags are Canadian choad (thought we cannot know they aren’t, either). In any case, the flag being in Kimberly’s soft, supple bosom is either insulting or gratifying, I can’t tell which. She’s at least a Stage 1 though.

12:23 pm July, 5 Jaques Doucheteau said...

The kid to the far left seems to have tagged ‘em from the rear. I really fear the pic his looking at on his view screen. The expression on his face appears to be a mix of initial disbelief and horror before uncontrollable dry heaves set in. Backne and ass-crack razor burn can have that effect on the viewer.

12:38 pm July, 5 Bag Margera said...

Deltus is right this could be a Canadian chick who’s into American douchebags. If that’s the case then this is definitely Niagra.

12:49 pm July, 5 DarkSock said...

Broke Back Mountinis.

12:51 pm July, 5 DarkSock said...

Eddie Munster called; he’s changing his hairstyle to Uncle Festus’s because of you, Widow’s Peak Mountini. How does that make you feel?

.

.

Here’s a hint:

.

It should make you feel bad. B.A.D.

1:00 pm July, 5 DarkSock said...

@ Tony Ventresca:

there are three douchbags and she’s got three holes. Someone’s gonna be sore in the morning

.

You’re right. But it won’t be her.

1:31 pm July, 5 Douchebigalow said...

Bag Margera is on the money, its Edmonton. lol great guess man

1:52 pm July, 5 soy bomb said...

I really have never had a problem with Canada before. I do now.

2:01 pm July, 5 Bag Margera said...

Second guess, not too bad. The conservative mongoloidness of Alberta, minus the sheer unrelenting-hatred-for-everything-not-cowboy essence of Calgary lead me to believe this may be Edmonton. Of course I’m more familiar with the East coast which is why I chose Ottawa, but the the ambiguous Inuit and Japanese tattoos on Rathead should have been a dead giveaway.

2:09 pm July, 5 Medusa Oblongata said...

Sweet merciful crap. What IS that on the right? Both photos. What is it. The mind fairly boggles.

3:02 pm July, 5 Bag Margera said...

Here are some other determining factors: First of all, they’re metrosexual; possibly even homosexual, and that wouldn’t be tolerated in the boonies, or anywhere in the Maritimes.

.

Secondly, they are clueless posers. Genuine metrosexuals would spit on them. They wouldn’t be tolerated in any major city.

.

Thirdly, they are 3 shaven gorillas, desperately clinging to one loose looking 6-out-of-10. So wherever this is, it has to a really lame city, with a terrible guy:girl ratio… Hence, it had to be either Edmonton, or Ottawa.

5:28 pm July, 5 Douche Bauer said...

Note to dope on the right, the film was called the Last Airbender, not Douchebender!

5:36 pm July, 5 Steve L. said...

if there’s a brand of douchebaggery styled after the Mounties, that is fucking sad.

yeah i don’t get the Mounties, even as a Canadian. i blame my dual citizenship. no wait. i blame the MOUNTIES.

5:39 pm July, 5 Steve L. said...

oh and my wild guess is either the Lower Mainland or Niagara Falls.

5:49 pm July, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

These fuckers are so homo they forgot that Brucie had the operation at Dr. Wang’s office and looks less gay than them in his yellow dress. I’m guessing parking lot at Canada’s Wonderland paisanos.

6:10 pm July, 5 massengill said...

The mini-flag (and to some degree how that mini-flag is being displayed) suggest tourists. I don’t think Canada can breed such monstrous douches as these. Yet.

At least, that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself. If Palin wins in 2012 I’m going to be seeking asylum there.

6:12 pm July, 5 massengill said...

If nostalgia renders necessary another Mad Max film, dude on right could easily be cast as one of the bad guys.

6:56 pm July, 5 Liberté, Égalité, Douchebaggery said...

Right ‘bag has an interesting hair style in the link.

By which I mean, it looks like a kitten took a shit on his forehead.

8:57 pm July, 5 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

Edmonton, ah crap! Now I’ll have to cover my ass on the streets, in case one of them goes all butt pirate on me.

On second thought, they can’t be from Edmonton. If they were, they would have shown up at my workplace “to print some resumes, yo!” Haven’t seen them.

10:59 pm July, 5 Whoop-di-douche said...

It’s always entertaining to see the tatts reiterated with abs and the 3D ribs stickin’ out like that. Or that head -hair…as if he got bored with working out the muscle groups and in his compulsivity decided the tatts must be intricate, and the hair even more so.

And THAT’S just what’s showin’,

11:02 pm July, 5 Whoop-di-douche said...

That’s not a fancy widow’s peak pasted down on his forehead…more like a widow’s pique.

6:44 am July, 6 Bag Margera said...

It’s definitely not Niagra, as this is actually a nice looking park. Niagra-on-the-lake is too quaint, and Niagra falls is a cesspool.

.

That being said, I’ve never seen such womanly adoration for complete and total douchebags, as I have in the clubs at Niagra Falls. I blame you, Americans.

9:47 am July, 6 EternalSunshineoftheDouchelessMind said...

I just see some chubby, blonde monster in a ridiculous sun dress. Where is the hot chick?

10:16 am July, 6 Mr. Biggs said...

OMG APPLETINIS!?!?! THAT IS LIKE SO TOTALLY GAY! ^_^

12:49 pm July, 6 Stephanie said...

Mountains? Those aren’t mountains, but now would be the perfect time to accidentally use the anti-bear pepper spray.

2:06 pm July, 6 Sir David Douchenborough said...

As an actual born and bred citizen of Eastern Ontario and the “Valley,” i cannot place this picture anywhere in the usual spots that douches would congregate. The scrotes who live outside of Ottawa proper tend to go with the Nickelback style of douchebaggery whereas within the city, you get a contingent of posers, most of whom are rich children of ambassadors, company CEOS (or what is left of them), and high ranking civil servants. When they collide, it is like Grieco bomb going off, especially when the styles mix a bit.

Oh, and let us not forget that across the river, you do have Quebec, specifically Gatineau. But since I also worked and researched in Southern Ontario, I would actually rule out Southern Ontario due to the vegetation in the picture. That region occupies the Carolinian forest, which is more diverse whereas this looks more like the Great Lakes, St. Lawerence mixed forests.

1:10 pm July, 7 JWF said...

The guys have hot bodies. Too bad they ruined them with all that ink. UGH!

12:23 pm July, 12 Pootle said...

I think I know these douches. They’re from Port Coquitlam just outside Vancouver, unless I’m very much mistaken.

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