Friday, July 16, 2010

Beau and Mindy: The Shirtless Double Standard

When Woo Hotties choose to strip down on the dance floor and shout “Woo!” it is to be commended at a future date with a cash honorarium and a Popsicle.

When a Jerz Meatclown decides to go shirtless and reveal he’s tattooed “Beautiful,” along with a swirly pattern that resembles lake fungus near a toxic waste dump on his shoulder, it is to be urinated on from afar like a tribal elder treating a snake bite.

# posted by douchebag1
9:25 am July, 16 Medusa Oblongata said...

I want to feed him to a pig.

.

I wanna tongue punch her in the fart box.

9:30 am July, 16 Deltus said...

@Medusa: “tongue punch her in the fart box” BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

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It is the HEIGHT of douche “thought” pattern for a choadwank to think anyone wants to see him shirtless when the stacked woo hotties get shirtless. Assmunch, it wasn’t an invitation. Too bad he doesn’t have a nipple ring in there, I’d love to rip it out.

9:33 am July, 16 Crucial Head said...

I believe that tattoo depicts the infamous Viking Yogurt Rodeo.

9:34 am July, 16 Crucial Head said...

I am definitely archiving “tongue punch her in the fart box” for later use.

9:34 am July, 16 Mock Turtle said...

Those neck chains beg for Magneto to come by – in a bad mood.

9:40 am July, 16 massengill said...

At first I thought his tat was the plant from Little Shop of Horrors.

9:47 am July, 16 Vin Douchal said...

A sweaty yacht club dance, open to the public. A choad walks in, t-shirt hiding a shaved chest and bargain tattoo. Doorman eyes the hot date but stares , suspending the decision, looking over the dull meaty specimen before him…..

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“That’ll be $40 , please”

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Soon later the dance floor pulsates as DJ Paul Oakenflap spins the tunes. Bad dance moves by rhythmless WASPs ensues. The tempature rises.

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Meaty douche removes his shirt in a slow exaggerated motion designed to flex his delts, which he blasted a few hours earlier. His date loves this sausage brained oaf even though his vocabulary consists of no words with over two syllables.

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The harbor master fires the doorman , with cause

9:56 am July, 16 Bagnonymous said...

I recall spending some quality time with Mindy last night in my wet dream. And when I woke up, my pants were almost as nasty looking as this guy’s shoulder.

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More of Mindy, please, Boss…

10:04 am July, 16 The Observation Specialist's Second Cousin Thrice Removed said...

There are purple sunglasses on the douchebag’s head. There is a ceiling fan overhead. There are ghost nipples in the background. The brunette has a nice smile. I have a boner.

10:09 am July, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

When you’re idea of BEAUTIFUL is a garishly helmeted and armored Asian woman, then you need to back away from World of Warcraft.

.

Better yet, put your bag of D&D dice in your mouth and give me just a few seconds to find a hammer.

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She has nipples that, when rubbed slowly across my back would make me giggle like a kid who just got a +5 Flail of Furious Fwapping after killing a horde of Scrotegobblers and surviving with only one hit point.

.

Yup, bringing the nerd references one after the other.

10:10 am July, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

^

“your”, not “you’re”. Go back on vacation, gruntf*cker.

10:11 am July, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

What are the odds it’s spelled “BEAUTIFLE”?

10:14 am July, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

What are the odds he’s wearing jeans with boxers folded over the top by his Keebler Pinwheels belly, all held together by a white belt and massive belt buckle?

.

What are the odds her thong is pink with teddy bears and lipstick kisses on it?

10:18 am July, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

What are the odds he’s sporting a watch that would make Captain America jealous?

.

What are the odds that if she wrapped her thighs around your neck you would hear the Hallejuliah Chorus as rose colored confetti burst forth from her cherry flavored pearl pillow?

10:23 am July, 16 Ned's Atomic Douchebin said...

Perhaps his tattoo reads: Beau-a-phile?

10:39 am July, 16 Vin Douchal said...

What are the odds he does Wii kegels with her ?

10:40 am July, 16 Vin Douchal said...

What are the odds his other shoulder has “Truth” with a caricature of Al Sharpton tatted on it?

10:40 am July, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

What are the odds he can scatch his ankles without bending over?

.

What are the odds she has a collection of stuffed animals on her bed that would rival the entire midway at your local carnival?

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And everyone of them has a name.

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And a story.

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And are covering the mummified remains of her first boyfriend who touched her special parts and then said they should just be friends and he’d call her sometime?

10:43 am July, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

What are the odds that tattoo includes:

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a) a sword with at least 20 spikes and points, and

b) a dragon (bonus points if the sword is stuck through it’s head)

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What are the odds that nothing, and I mean nothing will stick to her smooth, shining face?

10:52 am July, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Vin Douchal^

“Wii kegels”

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They have an attachment for that? Now I know what I’m getting Mrs. Scrotato Head for her birthday.

10:56 am July, 16 Bagnonymous said...

What are the odds that he’s shaved off more pubic hair than she has.

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* urp *

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That thought just gave me a “vomit boner.” It’s not as pleasurable as it sounds.

10:56 am July, 16 Vin Douchal said...

What are the odds he knows the lyrics to every Lady Gaga song ?

10:58 am July, 16 Vin Douchal said...

What are the odds he’s snapped someone on the ass with a wet towel in a locker room ?

10:59 am July, 16 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

What are the odds that you could use that jackass’s oversized jawbone to slay an entire army?

10:59 am July, 16 Vin Douchal said...

What are the odds he could kick the asses of the entire Hall Of Mock with both hands tied behind his back ? With his cocck?

11:01 am July, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

What are the odds he spends more money on his eye brows than she does on hers?

.

And not just because his are bigger.

11:03 am July, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

What are the odds you’ll find a primered ’97 Mazda Miata stored under a tarp in his chin sphyncter?

11:03 am July, 16 P Showard Chunt said...

beau stfu? jesus, as long as he thinks it means something.

which is dirtier, the blades on that ceiling fan, or her pap smear results?

11:04 am July, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

What are the odds when he’s thinking real hard people nearby hear distinct popping noises?

.

What are the odds she says “Ooooh! Popcorn! My favorite!”

11:09 am July, 16 Thorax Hammersmith said...

What are the odds that that’s the real Buffalo Beast standing behind him, silently devising a plan to pry his way back into the Hall of Mock?

11:11 am July, 16 Jacques Doucheteau said...

It is indeed a double standard, born of thousands of years of women being looked upon as the weaker sex, and unfairly objectified. This sexist view is outdated and dismissive of the intellectual and culture value that women hold for society, as we focus on superficial qualities and primary physical sexual characteristics. In this modern day and age, the sexual objectification of women is counter to our highly held beliefs in equality, liberty, and freedom of spirit.

.

And I’m okay with that. Boobies! Woo!

11:12 am July, 16 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

What are the odds he shaves a caterpillar as practice before doing his eyebrows?

11:32 am July, 16 Troy Tempest said...

What are the odds that she is an incredibly expensive first date?

And for Beautiful here, well, he won’t be smiling when he realises his tatts will mark him as slave labour in the new world order. But they will let him live because he can make his butt sing.

12:28 pm July, 16 Ned's Atomic Douchebin said...

@Mock Turtle,

.

Your cat looks like it has a soul patch. Better watch out. The next thing you know, it’ll be blowing-out it’s furr with gel and throwing paw gestures…

12:35 pm July, 16 End the Haberdouchery said...

You are beautiful, Beau. So beautiful.

12:41 pm July, 16 scrotum pole said...

Mindy’s eyes could launch a thousand ships.

.

.

And, by ships I mean hard-ons.

12:43 pm July, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

What are the odds he thinks “Affliction” is something you feel for a hott chick you want to bone real bad?

12:44 pm July, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Mindy’s eyes could launch a thousand ships.

.

And by ships I mean sperm cells.

12:55 pm July, 16 Jessica Leigh said...

If your gonna put up pictures of me at least use my real name.. its not Mindy its Jessica Leigh… so not nice but soo funny!

2:06 pm July, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Jessica Leigh

.

You’ve got to tell us how you tracked your photo down so quickly. Very impressive response time and I applaud you for not demanding a take down (No MMA pun intended).

.

I checked the thread and I can’t find anything “not so nice” said about you. But come on, the shirtless bonobo chimp next to you with the “Well of Souls” pit on his chin? Tell us he’s not your boyfriend. And if he is, lie to us and tell us he’s not your boyfriend. Just don’t tell us he’s really a nice guy and he treats you right and we’re all jealous hatters.

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Cuz if you say that half the guys on the site are going to put ropes around their necks and perform auto-erotic asphyxiation.

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No wait, it’s Friday. They’ll do that no matter what, it’s just that this time they’ll be doing it to your Playboy spread.

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Can your conscience handle that?

2:10 pm July, 16 Scrötinger’s Cat said...

@Jessica,

May I have the privilege of tongue boxing your fart box?

2:11 pm July, 16 Jessica Leigh said...

No he is isnt my bf lol but the kid with the shirt on is a good friend of mine so that one isnt so nice… you can gladly take a pic of my ex though he is a def douchebag 🙂

2:24 pm July, 16 Scrotal Body Workout said...

What are the odds that Mindy and Mr. Beautiful get 5:00 shadows at the same time?

…And I’m not talking about facial hair. Now excuse me, I’m off to do my best David Caradine impression. Where are my Thai lady-boys at?

3:02 pm July, 16 End the Haberdouchery said...

Jessica, you’re so hot that even the taxidermied fish in this pic is staring at you.

3:04 pm July, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Jessica,

.

Welcome. We kid because we care. You are one amazingly hott woman. As long as crapy shirted guy is your friend and not someone you have fantasies about settling down and having a life with, well then okay. If however, you make the mistake of thinking douchebags like Mr. Shirtless will provide you with meaningful companionship, security, and intimacy for more than oh, two weeks, let alone, the rest of your life, well then, don’t say you weren’t warned.

.

This site mocks douchebags because they reflect the worst that mankind has to offer, and they just need to go away. In the most painful and ejoyable manner possible. Do us a favor and maybe oh, I don’t know, put some nails in some of those MMA gloves, or maybe electrify the ring posts.

.

Just a thought.

.

You however, are amazing and can stay around as long as you’d like. You may actually learn something about guys like “Dances without Opposable Thumbs” and end up marrying a guy who cares more about you than he does about what his next tattoo will be or whether or not he should get the shirt with skulls or eagle talons on it.

.

In the meantime, more pictures please. DB1 I’m sure will post anything you have to offer.

3:34 pm July, 16 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I think this douche’s name is Beau because it looks like he put a reminder to himself on his shoulder “Memento”-style: BeauSTFU. All he has to do is look in the mirror to remember that no one wants to hear his shit.

3:43 pm July, 16 Jessica Leigh said...

I dont date douchebags but I have many friends and if you want to call them douchebags without knowing them well I guess that makes you no better and actually a tool. I personally dont care what you post about me but pictures you are posting are of real people whom you know nothing about or what they’ve been through or like in real person or the context of the picture. I guess what I’m saying is that while some of this may be funny it is at the expense of other people who did nothing to you and rather pathetic that you take the time out of your day to creep online and then save pictures of people you do not know and make up stuff about them. Who is the douche bag now?!

3:51 pm July, 16 DarkSock said...

If they ever did a big budget movie about The Tick he’d be perfect. So I must give him a pass, with a warning about the indoor shirtlessness at public venue.
astdg

5:04 pm July, 16 Stephanie said...

He must have genes from a brontosaurus -large body small head.

7:04 pm July, 16 Whoop-di-douche said...

Dear JEssica,

Can’t you find nicer things for a gal to do than to consort with douchebags in public venues. especially ones with tatts that say “Beaustful” and can be conjectured to be

a)misspelled “boastful”

b) misspelled “beautiful”

c) misspelled “bustfull”

d) correctly spelled Buttisfull.

7:06 pm July, 16 Whoop-di-douche said...

dear Jessica Leigh,

You are an attractive gal with a photogenic smile and fun ‘tude.

Why hang with a shirtless douchebag when you are the real star of the show?

Your designated chaperone, Whoop-Di-Douche

8:56 pm July, 16 Douche of Stratosphear said...

dear Jessica,

Signs of the douche are easily spotted visual clues. We do not need to know this clown to know that he is a waste of space and human flesh. We mock because we care. We care to free the Hott from the rapey groping paws of menaces such as this.

And you’re a Playboy model, so while he may not be your boyfriend, you’ve probably banged him once or twice because you’re a whore.

9:34 pm July, 16 soy bomb said...

Dear Jessica,

“Who is the douche bag now?!”

…um, they still are. I’m sorry, was that not clear? Your pal is shirtless in a bar, children’s glasses ‘pon his head, sporting douchey neck bling and has a “Bad Idea” tat. It’s not that difficult. You seem to be a good sport, but try to be more careful in the future. Take care.

Yours,

Soilent (Soy) Bomb-Smythe, the Final

12:57 am July, 17 Jessica Leigh said...

nah actually never even kissed the kid… contrary to your small minded belief i’m not even close to being a whore. He is shirtless at a beach bar uhmmm should he be wearing long sleeves just to step inside and grab his drink to go back outside. Again small minded people. Now I am asking whoever is the owner of this site to remove all pictures of me before I have my attorney handle this matter.

4:54 am July, 17 scrotum pole said...

Dearest Jessica,

.

I’d be more than happy to handle your matter.

.

.

Sincerely,

Scrotimus Lee Bailey

Small-Minded Attorney at Law

5:09 am July, 17 scrotum pole said...

For no extra charge, I’ll also fondle your cooter and tongue punch your fart box.

8:03 am July, 17 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Aw, see now you’ve gone and lost your fun attitude. Pay no attention to Douche of the Stratosphear; nobody else here thinks you’re a whore. At least that I know of.

.

As for who’s the douche now, still them; not us. Maybe take a minute to read what this site is all about. The boss, DB1, has a fairly solid definition of what a douchebag is. Douche is a combination of attitude and presentation. Think of it in Jeff Foxworthy terms. “If (fill in the blank), you may be a douchebag.” Let’s try some:

.

If you manicure your eyebrows and everyone call tell you manicure your eyebrows, you may be a douchebag

.

If you have a garish tattoo on your shoulder and you manicure your eyebrows, you may be a douchebag

.

If you’re in a club and you’re shirtless, you probably are a douchebag because going shirtless is, well, a real douchey thing to do when you’re in public no matter how buff or attractive you are.

.

Unless you’re a chick.

.

See how I got that back to the subject of the post.

.

And too bad you lost your coolness and demanded a takedown, which the boss does only because he’s nice, not because you know a lawyer or too.

.

You were nice to look at.

.

Probably nice to talk to too.

.

You deserve better, and you know it.

8:03 am July, 17 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

^”or two”

.

Kick me with a steel toed boot.

2:38 pm July, 17 Steve L. said...

this thread be beautiful. the douchebag? not so much.

ha ha.

2:50 pm July, 17 Steve L. said...

@ Soy Bomb 9:34 PM July 16,

the tatt actually says “BEAUTIFUL”.

3:00 pm July, 17 Douche of Stratosphear said...

I’m sorry for calling Jessica a whore, I was in a drunken bad mood after a shitty week and I took it out on a beautiful lady who most likely wouldn’t give me a second glance even if my face was tattooed on the inside of her eyelids. So I offer my sincere apology, and please don’t bring out the bullshit attorney nonsense, it just makes you look silly.

7:34 pm July, 17 soy bomb said...

@Steve L.

I know what the tatt says, but it screams “Bad Idea”, no?

7:45 pm July, 17 soy bomb said...

Bad Idea

10:47 pm July, 17 Abdouchah the Butcher said...

I’m glad DB1 cleared up what the ink says, cuz at first glance I thought it said “beauster,” which I thought was pretty onanistic as it was, yet dimmed a bit by humor. “Beautiful” kicks the thing up to a whole new level of self-worshipping taintfungus. Janet, you’re a beautiful woman with brains and a sense of humor. In essence: the Total Package. Please don’t make with the litigation nonsense. Its tacky.

2:24 pm July, 18 Pudwank said...

LOLZ

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