Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Ask DB1: Future Scrote


Dear DB1,

At the local Sonic a few days ago, I noticed a 10 yr old boy wearing ed hardy. mocker’s instinct tells me that the kid is a douche-lett headed for days filled with hair gel and scrotastic “frat” parties at the local community college.

but then i thought to myself, does he know any better?? does he really know the magnitude of the grieco virus and what dire consequences it could have on his future lack of education??

i almost feel sorry for the kid. and if you remember in Psych 101, the biggest argument with raising children is Nature VS Nurture. so that brings me to my point: instead of mocking the kid, shouldn’t we be bringing him to the bossom of anti-chode and douche-mock? or is it hopeless due to douchey genes? and furthermore, shouldn’t we be mocking the parents or choadies who bought this crap and allowed this kid to dress this way?

Best Regards in the Fight,
– Python the Pud

—–

Douchescrotery is 100% a learned element informed by the culture industry, name-brand hegemony and the mass media overwhelm. As such, it can always be overcome through the study of enlightenment, the dialectics of discourse and the purity of lusty curvy boobies/ass pear.

Only the stage-3 and stage-4 ‘bags (and Bleeths) are unredeemable, those who have pushed themselves over the edge of body spectacle, with no chance of return.

‘Baglings can always be enlightened, and while mocking may be employed, it must be employed to teach through the learning tools of prolonged ridicule and extreme psychological distress, and not simply as an ends onto itself.

# posted by douchebag1
2:10 pm August, 11 Vin Douchal said...

Someone bought my boy (four years old) an “Affliction” t-shirt. I said “thanks” then proceeded to wash my car with it.

2:11 pm August, 11 DarkSock said...

Python, unlike drinking laws, the douche virus knows no age limit. Behold:
sgh

2:11 pm August, 11 DoucheyWallnuts said...

There is a strong genetic component to being a douchebag, it’s science.

2:12 pm August, 11 DarkSock said...

^Pre-Shave Groin Reveal…sad….oughta be a law. Or, as they say in England, a lore.

2:30 pm August, 11 Crucial Head said...

Well, I’ve finally figured out why I’ve had such a shitty month being buried by mountains of frivolous work issues:
.
…On July 11th 2010 Samurai Scrote’s asshole detached with inaudible pop and began inch-worming it’s at across the floor heading due west. 8 months later an unsuspecting architect in the greater Los Angeles area would drop his morning double expresso latte in shock as what appeared to be a soiled rolled-up condom sprang off of the floor and began speed-raping his left eyeball with a lewd sock-foot-extracting-itself-from-a-deep-mudhole sucking fart staccato.
.
Damn you D.S. Damn you, sir! At least this explains why I could only get off to Liza Minelli while looking at one of her eyes.

2:52 pm August, 11 Cock-a-doodle-douche said...

Maybe it’s the parents’ way of saying “my kid’s just as mature as the scrotes who Ed Hardy shirts”; it’s their own form of mocking.

2:59 pm August, 11 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

One way to fix that shirt is to slap a Tiger Balm ad on top of the Ed Hardy lettering.

3:15 pm August, 11 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Parents who do this should have their eyelids removed with a blowtorch while being drawn and quartered by my good friend The Swedish Chef. They are telling their child that it is OK to be a sheep and not think for yourself. Go with the other mindless, brainless assholes so you can fit right in like everyone else. When you break it down it really is an abdication of the parent’s personal responsibility towards their children. This just happens to be a more subtle version of it. I’ll spare everyone my personal responsibility rant (I have a 33 volume series written in size 4 font with each volume being 1000+ pages if anyone is interested). “Lap up the next senseless shit that someone crams down your throat Jr because you’ll never be smart enough (who wants to be a geek anyway?) to think for yourself.” Why is it considered geeky or nerdy or dorky to have some intelligence and not follow the rest of the lemmings off the cliff? Answer, because thinking and reasoning are hard and most people are too fucking lazy, that’s why. It’s much easier to let mass media tell me what’s “cool” or isn’t cool because I’m fucking lazy-assed slob. *Tries valiantly to hold back* I’ll stop for now because I feel like kicking a kitten through an oscillating fan. Fucking sheep!

3:22 pm August, 11 Mr. Biggs said...

Pretty simple rule, really. The douchebaggery of the parents is redeemed by the baglingery of the children.

Now, normally the social rule is to throw those children over a cliff and let the lesser gods of the society eat their souls. But alas our society does not allow such things, and instead we’re going to have to deal with a plague of overentitled douchebags to be.

3:53 pm August, 11 DarkSock said...

“sucking fart staccato” is a good band name

4:29 pm August, 11 Mr. Biggs said...

BTW is that Heidi Klum with her kid? They’ll need 20 foot walls to keep him from getting his ass beat.

6:30 pm August, 11 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I am color-blind but I think I see a new trend of Mulattobag.

6:38 pm August, 11 Stephanie said...

Actually the Tiger Balm logo was somewhat ripped by Ed Hardy…it’s awful close, so for who was first, Tiger Balm they should sue OR put their stuff near Ed Hardy so people see the who’s right.

10:16 pm August, 11 Steve L. said...

hey what was i doing when i was 10?





sorry. can’t help you there when it comes to kids.

7:49 am August, 12 mr.reeve said...

Rich and famous folks have a high rate of Chodespring due to the spoiling of the young scrotes while growing up. F em! Thats what I say.

8:25 am August, 12 Deltus said...

The boy can be saved. It’ll take some work, though.

9:07 am August, 12 Mr. Biggs said...

^”The boy can be saved”? If by “saved” you mean like in the phrase “we had to destroy the village in order to save it.”

Also just noticed … those blond highlights on the kid aren’t some kind of natural thing from hanging out in the sun. That means we’ve got a four year old going to the hairdresser. Yeah, I think that’s triple autodouche bonus.

9:08 am August, 12 Mr. Biggs said...

New spinoff – hot moms with baglings.

10:38 am August, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

Ah, I was wondering who that was in the photo. I can’t tell one bleeth-bag from another these days. I should have guessed that a long, tall aryan walking with little brown spawn would be her. That wasn’t meant like you think I meant it, either. Love is truly blind if you can bang Seal and mean it. Especially when you look like her and you’re already a famous kazillionaire, clearly money and fame are not what you were after.
.
I dedicate this to Vin Douchal.
.
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be douchebags
Don’t let ’em pick Ed Hardy and drive them IROCs
make ’em be gamers, headbangers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be douchebags
they’ll never have goals and they’ll hang with their bros
even call all women ‘hos’
Douchebags ain’t easy to like and they all wanna fight
and they’d rather frolic and fist pump with dudes all night
giant belt buckles and bedazzled Levis, each night they become more gay
And if girls buy him Goose and if they like his chin fung
he’ll use them for pics on MySpace
.
That’s all I got. Shower time.

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