Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Ask DB1: Is Andrew’s Bro a ‘Bag?


———
Dear Bag1,

I am conflicted with a predicament for quite some time.

I have reason to believe that my older brother has been infected with the virus of douche. My conversations with him never venture beyond such intellectual topics such as “that hot chick I banged last night” or “the orgy I had with my boys.” (Apparently in Canada, the word, “boys” replaces “bros.”)

Despite my suspicions, some people in my family have told me that he’s not a douche, that I haven’t given him a chance yet.

Others know there is something wrong with him, but didn’t have the appropriate term to describe his condition. Well, I lived under the same roof with him for the first 18 years of my life, so I’m fairly convinced of his douchiness.

I would like to settle this once and for all: Is my bro a douche?

Sincerely,
Andrew

—————

Solid stage-3 Suburban Wigga Choad, Andrew. Fumigate his room then mock him from a safe distance.

# posted by douchebag1
9:16 am August, 31 Bigue said...

You can trust the Boss, he’s a douche

9:18 am August, 31 doucheywallnuts said...

Total Douche and possible DotW participant. Not even close. It’s sad how family members are sometimes blind to the obvious. The concern for his brother is noteworthy. However, having any doubt that this is NOT a Douchebag is troubling.

9:20 am August, 31 massengill said...

No douche, but…

9:27 am August, 31 mr.reeve said...

DOUCHE! DOUCHE and more DOUCHE! Guilty as charged.

9:28 am August, 31 retard said...

Douche. Burn all of his ed hardy gear, mandannas, and other affectations of the scrote. Then call me to discuss the aftermath. I’ll be here.

9:29 am August, 31 retard said...

I must be a retard. I thought the hot chick in the picture was his sister. [facepalm]

9:29 am August, 31 mr.reeve said...

By the way, anyone who talks about “the orgy I had with my boys” is bordering on being a gaybag. Your older brother might be covering up his gayness Andrew.

9:30 am August, 31 retard said...

I was too worked up from the pic from massengil (thanks, btw). comprehension fail.

9:42 am August, 31 Mr. White said...

@mr. reeve
“The orgy I had with my boys” is “bordering” on gaybag? Please. “The orgy I had with my boys” is to “gaybag” as “Vatican City” is to “Rome.” And that analogy, ironically enough, contains multiple levels of “gayness” and “boys.”

9:44 am August, 31 Anonymous said...

Really? You had to ask? I know it’s family and all, but come on, he could win a Weekly!

…can we submit him for the Weekly?

9:46 am August, 31 my freinds call me @$$hole said...

sorry drew, yes, he’s a complete douche and i agree that he may need a nickname for the site and a nomination for the weekly, just remember though he’s family, so you’re stuck with him forever… look at the bright side… christmas rolls around, you forgot to get him a gift, stop at walgreens for some axe body spray and a $5 pair of obnoxious sunglasses and you’re the best brother ever

9:50 am August, 31 Wheezer said...

Andrew, I know he’s blood, but you shouldn’t have to ask. He is full-on scrote (though his taste in women is fine).
.
However, I would rather look over massengill’s blue dress brunette boobie photo. That is all.

9:52 am August, 31 G said...

Don’t care about Andrew’s ‘bag brother…massengill’s photo is HoH material…

9:53 am August, 31 G said...

…and by HoH material, I mean I would suck the stale gum off the bottom of her shoes, just for the chance to suckle those boobies…

10:10 am August, 31 Sack O Douche said...

Yeah Andrew. mr.reeve and Mr. White are correct with their “gaybag” call on your brother. Tell him its ok to be gay and he can come on out of the closet now. But his “gaybag” ways need to change. Gay or straight it’s still douche.

10:10 am August, 31 SonnyChibaChoad said...

deewchie douche douche….make sure you make it to Family Day @ the douche rehab. I was in Montreal last week and the Grieco virus has definitely spread like wildfire up there.
Exponentially worse when the Francophone ‘Bags open their yaps!

O Canada! Too many white leather belts.

10:12 am August, 31 Et Tu Douche? said...

Andrew,
.
It is obvious your brother is in the Pupa/Chrysalis stage of his life prior to morphing into a full fledged D-Bag. Based on the pics the signifiers are there, the wife beater, gelled faux hawk, etc. He’s not quite there yet but getting close. If you can get through to him now then you must prevent the the next stage (Axe body spray, Ed Hardy garments, nonsensical body tats, etc) of his devolution and ultimate downward spiral in to full fledged baggery. He’s no too far gone so don’t give up on him, as he’ll and society as a whole, need you now.

10:18 am August, 31 Et Tu Douche? said...

@ Massengill
.
Kudos!!!!, nice pic and the fact there is no D-bag in sight makes it even better.

10:21 am August, 31 Vin Douchal said...

Douchiest outing, maybe ever.
.
But ‘Nuck babes are tremendous, see Tricia Helfer, Elisha Cuthbert and Mei-Yin Lloyd

10:28 am August, 31 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Not sure if Bigue meant to say “You can trust the boss, he’s [your brother] a douche”, or “you can trust the boss, he’s [the boss] a douche”. Either way, he’s correct.
.
Let’s count the signifiers. Wife beater tee. Doofus hat on backwards. Duck lips. Fauxhawk. Hand gestures. Presenting liquor as an object of conquest in a photograph. Pants down below taint whilst bending over to gnaw on ass pear. Thousand yard stare.
.
Was there really ever any doubt?

10:30 am August, 31 DarkSock said...

@mr. reeve
“The orgy I had with my boys” is “bordering” on gaybag? Sure, as long as we’re talking about the border between Homoslavia and Cocksuckistan.

10:30 am August, 31 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Massengill^
.
The missus is looking exceptional!

10:40 am August, 31 Douchey Smurf said...

He’s not only a D’bag… look at the melon on that kid.

10:45 am August, 31 DarkSock said...

Andrew:
.
Are you sure your brother isn’t Toni Collette? That could explain several things.
sdfd
Check his room; if he has a Tony award, and a vagina, that may be what’s really going on and you can breathe a sigh of relief and have a chuckle and eye-roll at the whole misunderstanding.
.
-DarkSock

10:48 am August, 31 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Andrew. Must be short for Antonio or Antoniopolis. If you have to ask about your bro there is a good chance you are a Canadian douchebag. Is your father into framing or ceramic tiles? Do you drive a new loaded Camaro or Mustang? Do you have a kitchen in your basement and plastic on your living room furniture? Do you live in Montreal or Toronto (Vaughn or The Danforth)? If you have answered yes to two or more of these questions you were born a douchbag. You also like squid or octopus.

The Reverend Chad neither supports or refutes his assumptions. He would also like to meet the cousins Andrea or Andriananis before they turn 27 and sprout 200 pounds and a housedress.

10:53 am August, 31 mr.reeve said...

@Mr. White & DarkSock, “bordering” was a nice way of telling Andrew his brother “takes it in the pooper”.

10:56 am August, 31 Douche Equis said...

Given that it’s so incredibly obvious, the only thing that could have kept you from accepting that he’s a douche is the fact that he’s your brother, and the knowledge of your entire family’s shame for having raised such a douche. And the possibility that you yourself, having germinated in the same petri dish as that horrifying bacillus, might be one also . . .

11:04 am August, 31 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

Even questioning the doucheosity of your brother despite the tsunami of evidence for it makes me think you must be at least stage 1 yourself. Andrew.
.
Cripes.

11:13 am August, 31 Troy Tempest said...

He’s a major douche. Hopeless.
.
Be nice to the wee bro, tho’ people. Blood is thicker than water, and wondering if your older brother, the guy you looked to and respected as a child is now a full blown scrotemeister – that takes a lot of guts, and he at least had the good sense to come here and ask the experts. Shows good sense and judgment in my opinion.
.
It could be that his older bro is Weekly material. If so, and he found out, it might be just he thing he needs to change his ways. OR get wee bro beaten to a pulp.

11:20 am August, 31 Deltus said...

Sorry to say it, Andrew, but denial (in the face of such evidence, anything other that surety is a form of denial) of such doucheosity, even for a sibling, is some evidence that you’ve been infected yourself. Find any and all adoucherements amongst your stuff, and burn them. You’re probably not even Stage 1, so you’ll be fine. Your brother is full-fledged homobag, and worse, closeted at that.
.
My nephew is a douchewank. It saddens me no end, but I’m completely aware of it. I’ve even told him, and tried to talk sense. He either didn’t understand, or wasn’t interested in help.

11:22 am August, 31 Deltus said...

BTW, @Massengill, you gotta warn a brutha before springing a boobalicious uberhot like that. Or I need to be sure I’m wearing track pants when viewing HCwDB. One of the two.

11:29 am August, 31 Cock-a-doodle-douche said...

Whenever I hear somebody talking about their “boys”, I always think they’re talking about their balls. (As in Kramer, saying, “My boys need a house.”)

11:46 am August, 31 Mr. Biggs said...

Ya know, I’m not a big fan of Joe Rogan, but he sometimes makes keep observations. One was about a guy who bragged about doing this girl with his buddy. To which Rogan replied. “Wait … there was another guy in the room. With an erection. And you were still hard?”

My sentiments exactly. Do with this guy what we do to Mad Cows. Bullet to the head and quarantine.

12:24 pm August, 31 douche bagel said...

@ Massengill
.
wowzers! thank you. now excuse me….

12:29 pm August, 31 Captain Garanichode said...

Bag em says your Captain…

12:31 pm August, 31 soy bomb said...

Fellow ‘baghunters, let us celebrate Andrew and his decision to openly question his older brother and subject him to scathing mockery by submitting his photos to these hallowed grounds. I’m sure Andrew looked up to his brother over the years but, alas, the unsettling truth has manifest: His brother is choad. Congratulations Andrew on becoming your own man and forging your own path.
.
May I be bold enough to suggest that at your next family gathering you might display a slideshow of your brother at his douchiest so that the whole family can get a good laugh and, in turn, mock your brother to his face. It might just scare the scrote straight. Straighten out his douchey traits, that is. It could even serve to give him the strength to finally come out of the closet. What sweet relief he’ll feel to be able to welcome his “boys'” rigid members into his various orifices without feeling shame about his natural urges.

1:02 pm August, 31 smackdouche said...

Sure he is a douche and the whole “orgy” thing is both gay and odd (has anyone said orgy since the Roman Empire fell?), HOWEVER, he is pulling some rather sweet hotts.

My envy makes me hate him.

1:46 pm August, 31 Stephanie said...

If you were a kind brother, I would force him to wear a shirt,and get rid of the hat (and the hat tilt)…and the asshole look on his face…or just don’t follow in his tracks.

3:27 pm August, 31 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Andrew,
Seriously get a DNA test to see if you are actually related. Maybe he’s really the son of the guy that changes the oil in your Mom’s car. Or maybe he’s really the son of that butcher at your local grocery store that just kinda stops what he’s doing to stare at your mom when she walks in. Get a cheek swab for your mailman just in case too.

3:29 pm August, 31 ColorMeDouche said...

Denise Milani looking good in blue or naked.

6:34 pm August, 31 Medusa Oblongata said...

Conspiracy Gorgon thinks Andrew IS said douche and needs validation. If you’re not, Conspiracy Gorgon will get back in her Gimp Box. Anyway, yes, this kid is grade-A douche, complete with rank douche aura, like the green fog that radiates from my Sims characters when I don’t have them go in their cyber showers. I am a cruel mistress. I say, if he’s into being scantily clad in a whole room full of dudes with a lot of pounding going on, I suggest he be the middleman in one of these. (safe for work, but unpleasant)

7:21 pm August, 31 Battlescrote Galactica said...

Andrew, your brother speaks to the very heart of this websites reason for genesis in the first place… Total toolsheds who somehow have the abiltity to use the Douche side of The Force to sway the undeveloped minds of Hotts into sharing the same air in a room with them… And I agree with the other baghunters, rid his life of all douche accoutrements starting with Ed Hardy and Affliction!!!

9:30 pm August, 31 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Not only is Andrew’s bro infected with the Grieco virus, he suffers a severe bacterial over-infection on TOP of said virus: pinktie. Treating a staph infection AND a virus at the same times is quite tricky, especially when it affect the eye, er, tie.

Acyclovir has not been shown to be effective in the case of douche viruses such as the Grieco, nor has the strongest antibiotic known to man worked with a staph as full of bad aura, er, aureus, as pinktie.

Treat him like a bedbug infestation.

9:37 pm August, 31 Steve L. said...

@ Vin Douchal 10:21 AM,
Mei-Yin Lloyd?
… what a perplexing background behind that name.
but it appears that she might as well be white.
NOT that there’s anything wrong with that. she is hot.

9:37 pm August, 31 Steve L. said...

it’s probably hard for Andrew to mock his own brother, which is why i’ll gladly do it for him.

9:47 pm August, 31 Sir David Douchenborough said...

Hey, if he is a younger brother, he needs to be taken out to the back shed and introduced to the board of education, or ensure that the judicious mockery makes up for it.

I had a sneaking suspicion he is either from Vaughn or Montreal (as Chad suggested), though I am not about to rule out Calgary or Vancouver, they are there, according to my friends who ventured out West.

But this he appears to be border on the gaybag, but I think it is better to characterize this as a Homoerotic/Quasifratbag. He probably gets in this modded honda civic with his friends and strolls down to the Guvernment, or tries desperately to get into Brant House by calling some dude he met to hook him on the “VIP list.”

Ugh, just when I was doubling down on the hope that a Canuck version of douchebaggery would establish a shallow foothold, I get blind sided by this.

11:39 am September, 1 gettinsohateon said...

Classic Canadian Native Douche ! ( they also confuse themselves with those of color thinking the are gangsters when they are actually living off of my taxes )

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