Thursday, August 5, 2010

Ask DB1: Military ‘Bags?


SFC A.R. writes in from Afghanistan:

——
Dear DB1,

I’ve been an avid fan of the website for quite some time. I commented on a few pictures and send you some emails in the past asking about the un-earned dog tag phenomena.

This time around I once again find myself in the middle of no-where Afghanistan for the 3rd time in the last 5 years. There are no hot babies (Vince Vaughn term to describe women from Swingers) here, and my team is all males, most of them are sadly the biggest douchebags of the special operations community.

When these guys are not fighting for this country, they would otherwise be found on your website. All spend hours in the gym and have “cool guy” tattoos. While we do not get back until November there are already talks about going to Vegas, specifically to the douchebag Mecca described in your book: Club Rehab at Hard Rock casino!

The reason why I’m writing is because I cannot comprehend why hot women featured on your site love these lame guys they are with? I believe our society spends more time on worshipping false idols like Mike Situations and Lindsay Lohans then we did 10 or 15 years ago. What do hotchicks say in their self-defense of the guys they are with? It is as paradoxical to me as seeing clips of the Jersey Shore on my computer.

And in case this email makes it to your site I just want to say one thing to all the HOTCHICKS and all the DOUCHEBAGS who “accidentally” wander on your website to cry about their pictures being displayed here. BIG MUSCLES DON’T WIN WARS! “COOL GUY” TATTOOS AND NICE TANS DON’T WIN WARS EITHER! People with courage who aren’t afraid to face hardship, danger, and adversity WIN wars! Douchebags got a LOOONG way to go!!!

Sincerely,
SFC A.R.

——

Well said, SFC A.R. Well said.

As with Soldier A’s email last week, it can be hard realizing how douchey the country is getting while serving to defend it. And while simply serving in the military does not automatically exempt one from being a douchebag (douches are found in all walks of life), at least the Dog Tags are earned, and that’s legit. While I encourage you to enlighten your fellow enlistees as to how to dedouchify when they get home, if they need to go to Vegas when you all get back, I say go to Vegas.

Just don’t stay at the Hard Rock or the Palms. The Bellagio is much less douchey. Or the Wynn.

And douchebags who emulate the military, without actually serving, are worthy of double mock, so be sure to bring the ‘bag tag mock when you guys get home.

For now, carry on, Soldier.

# posted by douchebag1
1:05 pm August, 5 tall guy said...

I echo the boss’s ‘well said’, SFC A.R. ((((well said))))

1:13 pm August, 5 Douche de Leche said...

It’s Jean Claude Van Douche!

1:25 pm August, 5 Eliza Douchecoo said...

Is that belt buckle regulation size? I could use that at china buffet.

1:26 pm August, 5 DoucheNozzle said...

And please avoid Planet Hollywood… I don’t wanna have to deal with the extreme douchiness any more than I have to, thanks!

The DoucheNozzle
(who is a bartender at PH)

1:32 pm August, 5 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

A.R. first off THANK YOU!

Want to really avoid the DOUCHE in Vegas? Stay at the Imperial Palace. Nothing but old ladies and guys too cheap to waste money on a hotel when you’re only going to be there when you’re too drunk to stand any longer OR when you’re run out of dough to gamble with. Seriously, it’s like staying in Nana’s retirement community in Vero Beach, FL. And I love it for the lack of Scrote.

1:34 pm August, 5 Lord McBaggin said...

My hats off to SFC A.R. and all those that serve.
I like to imagine the best of our military, so in my world pumping iron while stationed over there is in fact; to make them into a killing machine, to prepare them to rip orange arms off and beat DB’s to a lumpy pulp, to burn off energy that comes from seeing hotts on here. The reason there planning trips to rehab, is to save starry eyed hotts from the grieco virus.
.
Well in a perfect universe maybe.

1:34 pm August, 5 Wedgie said...

All military get an auto notta pass. Sorry, I just don’t care what they do when they are not fighting for this country. Blow off steam however you want; anybody who might potentially take a bullet on my behalf is good with me.

I’ll even buy the Goose for you to run with.

1:40 pm August, 5 scrotum pole said...

Meanwhile, Buffalo Beast thrusts his giant cockk up behind the shoulder of the douche, snickering to himself all the while.

1:43 pm August, 5 massengill said...

Speaking of junk shots…

1:48 pm August, 5 Captain Garanichode said...

Turkey platter belt buckle too!
.
I think his tits are bigger than hers…?

1:49 pm August, 5 Anonymous 3:16 said...

I cannot go so far as to give auto-pass. But I grant much leniency, with the hope of redemption. Especially when overseas, the input available to military personnel is atrocious. Note the referenced Jersey Shore segments insttead of something more representative of society. And without us to point out they are to be mocked, not mimicked, they can easily be led astray. Some simple educational outreach can cure this. Point out that douchebaggery is not the true way to obtain hot women folk, and they will reconcile and adapt, improvise, and overcome…

1:50 pm August, 5 DoucheBigue said...

You are right Wedgie, but being in the sandy Afghanistan right now I can concur with SFC A.R. – it’s a hard balance to find between blowing off steam and not spread the Grieco Virus. It is well-known that an tribal or Ed Hardy tattoo goes well beyond the skin surface and may hinder the capabilities and skills the army if seeking in its soldiers.

1:56 pm August, 5 tall guy said...

Also, thank you massengill, Jenn Sterger is the business. The hott business I mean.

Off to work now fellow baggers. Enjoy the weekend & the forthcoming pear, which I will check out when I return home or, maybe via my ‘phone today. Depends…

1:58 pm August, 5 Wedgie said...

Offer to teach them the way of the bag hunter….seems to appeal to guys who like to blow up shit.

2:02 pm August, 5 Eliza Douchecoo said...

HMMM….note to self….google Jenn Sterger….

2:14 pm August, 5 scrotum pole said...

The douchebag thought himself clever when he stole the hubcap from a ’58 Buick, then wearing it as a belt buckle.
He will fully realize the enormity of his mistake when he finds out who owned it, and what she has in store for him in the subteranean re-hab facility.

2:18 pm August, 5 DarkSock said...

I once read an article from a reporter embedded with an infantry unit. The guys were trying to sleep when a column of M1A1 Abrams tanks went rumbling past. One of the guys yelled to his comrades that if you laid on your stomach, the earth shaking felt good on your dick.
.
.
.
Automatic nottadouche for all armed forces members for that, in perpetuity.

2:39 pm August, 5 scrotum pole said...

^ I do the same thing when my wife snores.

3:15 pm August, 5 Snoop Douchey Douche said...

Special question to SFC A.R.:
One of the time-honored military traditions is the unit tends to regulate itself, true? If units get their own special tats — special forces, 101st Airborne, etc. — aren’t these tats … kinda sacred?
My thing about tattoos: It used to be you had to be a bad-ass first, then get the tattoos. Douches do the opposite.
Maybe you and some of your comrades-in-arms need to go “code red” on the bigger douches in your unit to get them to fly right. I mean, I don’t think a unit tat should blend in with a sleeve of tats.
Regardless of how many douches are in your unit, though, I hope all of you come home safe.

3:55 pm August, 5 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Must be a helluva lot of porch beef under that belt for him to be wearing a platter the size of that buckle.

4:57 pm August, 5 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

A.R.

Thank you for your service and get home safely!

6:57 pm August, 5 Steve L. said...

wow there are that many military douchebags in Afghanistan? that is sad.

7:37 pm August, 5 Baron Von Goolo said...

THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO…………ing to have tiny wee-wees from all those steroids.

8:16 pm August, 5 doucheywallnuts said...

I agree with Wedgie, anyone who serves is auto notta…They have a free pass.

9:16 pm August, 5 Stephanie said...

Sorry,I can’t agree – a douche is a douche. He can always change…these are things you have control over….the war is quite another thing. And when they go on r and r they should behave themselves or they will embarrass all Americans.
That’s the price you pay for being in a foreign country,you are representing your country a lot of the time…

6:24 am August, 6 As I Lay Douching said...

Don’t ask, don’t tell. I’m just sayin’….

7:01 am August, 6 Douchie Arnaz said...

It’s “beautiful babies.” But you’re still money!

7:35 am August, 6 Deltus said...

Soldiers don’t get a free notta. But there has to be some leeway. First, they puts themselves in harm’s way to protect the rest of us, so that alone gives them some wiggle room. Also, there is a certain amount of bravado that one has to embrace (especially special ops, which he mentions) in order by do the extremely unpleasant things that soldiers must do, akin to the joking attitude that cops and paramedics take to gruesome situations: if you didn’t joke about it a bit, you’d go stark raving mad seeing all that shit. So if soldiers have to go out and possibly kill some people today, if they need to develop a SOMEWHAT douchey attitude about it (“I’m a life taker and a heart breaker!”, etc.) then so be it. But it’s NOT a free notta. There are limits. Douche in the picture above has gone past those limits, and therefore is choad.

7:42 am August, 6 Troy Tempest said...

I agree with Stephanie. A douche is a douche is a douche. They might have a butthole that can sing the Star Spangled Banner in three part harmony for all I care – they’re still a douche.
.
Given that I am opposed to professional volunteer armies (for reasons that are all too clear now: they lead to a self-serving Praetorian Guard, which is what the Military Industrial Complex has become), and see the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq as brutally inept and utterly bungled murderous exercises in naked imperialism.
.
That said, I sincerely hope SFC-AC (and the rest of the Imperial Force – even the preening douchenozzles of the bunch) is able to get out of there alive and not harm anyone else in the process. Truly. It’s not your war, it’s not your country, and it’s not your resources that they happen to be living on top of – and furthermore – you don’t deserve to get iced over this nonsensical war anymore than the poor miserable bastards whose families have lived there for the past 40,000 years. I look forward to your safe return to a nation that needs you to help rebuild the pilfered economy after the past 3 decades of military and financial kleptocracy. Good luck, soldier.

8:49 am August, 6 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Just because you put on a uniform doesn’t mean that you stop being a douche. I’ve seen it a million times and I’m sure I’ll see it a million more.
.
However, you have to have multiple screws loose to be in spec-ops. And be pretty intelligent too. Problem-solving skills and adaptability are at a premium in that group. All the guys I know that were in spec-op are the most down-to-Earth types you could ever meet. Yeah, they laugh at some really fucked up shit if you think about it but it goes with the territory. Most, if not all, have tattoos. A lot of them mean something deeply personal so if you don’t get it or think it douchey, well, fuck you. Talk to them first and then judge them (if you must) later.
.
Unfortunately there are the ones who still get dumb shit on them (an eagle carrying a skull with two daggers in it and flames shooting out of the eye sockets. Yeah, that’ll be cool!) but they’ll usually tell you that they got the craptastic ones BEFORE they went into the military or before they got into spec-ops. Maturity comes with age (most of the time at least). If these guys want to go to Vegas and blow off steam, let ’em but remind them they can do so without resorting to being douches. Live it up, hit on a bunch of hotts, and then get back to the job at hand.
.
So SFC A. R. make sure to come back so you can post again. Hell, take tons of pictures in Vegas so you can send them in if you buds are still acting like douches. With proper mock and guidance from you, I’m sure they can be rehabilitated. We’ll try to do our best mocking here until you can be with us. Lead the way while you’re in the sandbox. HOOAH!

8:53 am August, 6 Mr. Biggs said...

I can’t look at this guy without thinking gay porn. Sheesh.

3:40 pm August, 6 Abdouchah the Butcher said...

Military or not, this guy has achieved quantum scrote! And if he wants to protect me, he should come home to his fam & f#@k up some burglars.

9:07 pm August, 6 Lil' Fartknocker said...

Sad Mr. Clean.

2:17 pm August, 8 Anonymous said...

That guy has the best cum gutters ever! The tattoo just accentuates the definition 🙂

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