Friday, August 27, 2010
Friday Haiku
Phil Leopard bares spots,
Rubs up on Bartender Jen,
Makes lame cougar jokes.
L.A. weather gal
Throws it back to studio
Dry, with chance of douche
— Vin Douchal
Lost his job, his house
Then his wife. What’s Ned got left?
Why, his dignity.
— Mr. Scrotato Head
Ryan Seacrest asks
His token date, “Does this make
Me more or less gay?”
— Crucial Head
As cheetah nuzzles,
Gazelle screams through her smile,
“Animal control!”
— Condouchious
Leopard boy tells hott,
“You got some nice big hooters.”
He sure ain’t Lion!
— scrotum pole
Silver hammer shirt
Beatles reference? Spots are scars
Maxwell, swing harder!
— Count douchekevich
Faux leopard hair hawk
Whispers to Plastic Debbie
“Does my breath stink?”
— mr.reeve
Visiting the zoo
should be lots of fun for you,
though it smells like poo.
Him: “It’s Hammer Time!”
Well, he couldn’t be more right:
put it through his skull.
I am bludgeoning
His douche heart repeatedly
Please disregard mess.
Poo splotches on head?
Are choads using obvious
signatures these days?
Cheetah is fastest
Land mammal to blow hot air
Into hott’s ear drum.
This dude has problems.
Heartbreak of psoriasis,
Or common ringworm
Douche whispers to hott:
“We can make out, just avoid
Ring worm on my scalp.”
Crabs eating hair off!
I used to hump guys like that
When I was in jail.
Boobies, oh boobies,
in black dress so appealing:
thou must show thyselves!
Hott maintains smile
While douche sucks her last brain cell
Now both retarded.
Bobby the Hammered Cheetah
Is this taint’s wrestling name
Suzy likes silicone & botox
Let’s go to my place
Show you why I’m called “Hammer”
Dick’s thin as a nail
Phil sports leopard spots
Says he’s the King of the Jungle
More like Pink Panther
Hott’s smile sours
When she finds out this douchebag
Is Horse Whisperer.
Douche tells her secret.
“Do you want to know the truth?”
“My pubes match my head.”
Faux leopard hair hawk
Whispers to Plastic Debbie
“Does my breath stink?”
“I love you,” he says
Hott knows he peers through her ears
At dude next to her.
Phil’s new act: jumps on
“Tiger/Cheetah” jokes; says his
club can find the hole.
.
Bartender Jen just laughs,
for she will feed him drinks just
before macing him.
Cheetah hit on Jane
Tarzan hit Cheetah in face
Jane take taxi home
Wounds upon his head,
From repeated hammer blows.
They’re not leopard spots.
The Douche Whisperer
Hopes hott doesn’t notice his
Festering scalp herp’s.
Hott’s thong matches
Chode’s leopard faux hawk
And his jelly dong
Wanna get hammered?
He said in spite of himself
Nervous smile says no
Y’know I’m wonderin’
Does his carpet match his drapes?
It could be egsma
I must learn to count!
I was distracted by boobs
can’t count syllables.
Douche sports cigarette
Burns on his scalp – torture for
Reading ‘The Dirty.’
Steve from ‘Make a Wish’
Was found out to be a fraud
Chemo sympathy
Nervous smile of hott
has us both thinking same thing:
restraining order.
This is what happens
When partner ear fucks you with
Painted testicles.
Like our pals the chimps
Leopards also search for ticks
She found his head lice
Kelly’s pissed-off smile
Came out when Joe admitted
“Honey, I sharted.”
“Red wine tastes awesome,”
He whispers… but hott knows he
Drank menstrual blood.
As the saying goes,
“Leopard doesn’t change his spots.”
Or his underwear.
He’s “Phil Leopard,” eh?
Still has left arm; lost his mind,
dignity years ago.
Phil is test subject
Combined tattoo/barber school
See ya next week, pud
“Nice Pradas” Tad snears
“Better than yours” Jen hisses
Cat fight! Cat Fight Wooooo!
Ryan Seacrest asks
His token date, “Does this make
Me more or less gay?”
Beauty is skin deep,
but douche goes right to the bone
(Grieco to the scalp)
How’s my breath smell babe?
Like an ape shit in your mouth
Wrong, it was a dog
We must not mock douche
For he is the lead singer
For band: Deaf Leppard.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
{{crickets}}
The paint balling king
Distraughtly whispers to queen
“Paint balls filled with cum.”
Tad thought Jen was hot
Did what only a cat could
Sticks butt in her face
L.A. weather gal
Throws it back to studio
Dry, with chance of douche
Hammer on Douche shirt
Use magic to make it real
Hit him in head now
Must be Jacksonville;
this Jag’s end zone scored upon
more than hers has been.
Neb brings Hammer tee
Stacy brings mace and tazer
Ned runs like pussy
Football season here;
that means Jeff Reed is out there
looking like an ass
Shaved head reveals boob
Yet long hair covers boobie
Damn the injustice!
Jags like to eat meat;
it’s not boobie flesh he wants,
but bro’s turgid cockk.
Rare footage of wild
gazelle letting hyena
maul her with a smile.
British accent fake,
though this spotted dick is real;
not dessert at all.
Leopard boy tells hott,
“You got some nice big hooters.”
He sure ain’t Lion!
Hey! It’s cat fight:
POOma versus a Cougar
But they both will lose
Animal cruelty?
A hammer to leopard skull,
PETA’s cool with it
When told to dress nice
Bob gets designer punk clothes
to keep it classy.
Silver hammer shirt
Beatles reference? Spots are scars
Maxwell, swing harder!
The Jungle Jagoff
spots his prey in the bar; won’t
get to club ‘er tang.
As cheetah nuzzles,
Gazelle screams through her smile,
“Animal control!”
Woke up this morning
With those unexplained lesions.
Outbreak of small pox?
Peter slams his nose
into Kelly’s skull as she
tracks picture taker
Lost his job, his house
Then his wife. What’s Ned got left?
Why, his dignity.
Drunk spotted douchebag
Leans, says to her, “Hamma time…”
She says “c’aint touch dis”
Herpe C on his scalp?
How did the virus get there?
Ball-to-Skull Action.
Dean gets in close, sniffs
He smells jasmine and rose dew
She smells car wash soap
He’d have less skull spots
If his boyfriend would just wipe
Or bleach his asshole.
Wish I could read shirt;
tough to mock, though I know it’s
stupid brand name shit
Serengeti’s changed;
Jaguars gone, jag-offs remain;
Where are the poachers?
(yes I do relaize jaguars are found in South America and not Africa)
Yes, surprisingly
I would hammer both of them
Jus’ choose diff’rent tools!
Nose to ear rapist
Hen-Pecks her like a Hellish
Woody Woodpecker
Brad leaps on his prey
She never saw him coming
Up from the carpet
Condouchious, a real
jaguar would have this choadwank
changing his Pampas.
She has the chest of
kilimanjaro. He has
the head of Newark.
Is he man or cat?
even Dr. Moreau would
euthanise this pet.
Shirt reminds me
Of DarkSock line: Claw hammers
at clitoris. Haaaaaaaaa!
Leopard douche hunts prey
at desert watering hole
run like a gazelle
She is seeing spots,
but she can’t tell if it’s just
him or the roofies.
The angels doth weep,
One of theirs was made mortal
By Cat-Hammer-Douche
Grimace on hott’s face
sends signal to leopard choad
it’s not “Hammer Time”
See Dick. See Dick douche.
See Dick and Spot. Jane Spots Dick.
Dick leaves Spot on Jane.
Stem cell ban upheld.
No more jungle cats mating
With thirtysomethings.
Almost sad for him
Most douches can take off shirt
He’s stuck with his hair
Wheezer, nice haikus
On the Brothabag Clive thread
How’s the hangover?
Look on her face says:
“Is this what I really want?”
Jen is not so sure.
.
At last, it seems the
truth is starting to hit home:
hotts must avoid scrotes.
Thank you, Scrotato;
no hangover for me, just
waiting for real stuff.
.
Maybe hangover
would’ve helped me get front page;
must drink Thursday nights!
Thundercats cartoon
turned into real-life poo; now
Sheetara or Barf.
“Why am I lonely?”
Thinks the douche. One word answer:
Alopecia.
Great stuff, baghunters!
I have errands to run now;
enjoy the Ass Pear!
She Wanted some Tiger
But sir duchee is much too pale
Jen still got her Cheetah
Leopard does his mack
Kimberly smiles politely
Considers grad school
infected head attempts transmission
hammer moves in for the kill
A
Leopard
Hammerhead
Mikey brags to her
Survived lamprey skull attacks
In Lake Michigan
Ball peen claw hammers
make great scalp enhancers with
black henna stamp-pad.
Douchebags in dorkwear
and dotty headed leopard
spots are spot on choads.
ten more years until
Dan gets his pension. wait. he
doesn’t have pension.
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