Friday, August 6, 2010

Friday Thoughts and Links

Brothabag Edgar brings two things to the game. 1. Hot Chicks. 2. Uberdouchebaggery. To paraphrase Shakespeare, the playah’s the thing. This greasy tool may be Welles in ’41. Koufax in ’61. Gillis in ’78. We’ll see how far that spike can go at the next HCwDB of the Week.

Meanwhile, your humble narrator is spending the weekend in Cape Cod. Mocking the Masshole ‘Bags and continuing to marvel at New England’s limited hott supply.

Back to work very soon in L.A. so a bit more of summer to be had. And tasty Hostess Treats to bridge the time.

Here’s your links:

My childhood hometown alt weekly, The Boston Phoenix, disses HCwDB, my show, and gives no credit where credit is due, vis a vis the origins of “douche T.V.” Then again, the writer has to live in Boston. The rest of us got out in the 90s.

Sizzle Tans!

David H. Brooks, a military contractor, spends $100,000 taxpayer dollars on an American flag belt buckle encrusted with rubies, sapphires and diamonds. Earns a Douchebag of the Year award.

Auto Hater.

Snitches get Stitches. Douchebags get beer pong.

Musicsnobbery.com does a nice takedown of a wannabe “Jersey Shore” Vinny D press release.

You didn’t think it was possible, but The frolic battles are turning even more gay.

Jennifer Aniston continues desperate attempt to locate a personality. So sad when hot chicks lose all appeal due to total vacuousness.

Bernadette Peters looking Uberhott, coming out of the Walter Kerr theater on Broadway last Tuesday, taken by your humble narrator.

For the historians tracking Grieco Virus spread, here is anthropological footage of infestation beginning in Graz, Austria in 2007.

Okay, I know why you really checked in on a Friday afternoon.

Was it for Ass Beer?

Not quite. It was for Ass Pear. And here is your Pear:

Porch Pear.

Enjoy. For it is celebrated semi-globes of jiggle fondle joy.

EDIT: It appears Porch Pear has already been Paired, so as amends, I offer Over the Shoulder Pear.

# posted by douchebag1
1:07 pm August, 6 Lämp said...

**clicks on**

.

.

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I Love Porch Pear… and Porch Beef

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.

.

**clicks off**

1:10 pm August, 6 Crucial Head said...

Hey waitaminnit. Isn’t that the same Porch Pear from last week?

.

*shrugs, goes back to ‘baitin*

1:15 pm August, 6 Every Which Way but Douche said...

I always tell my friends that a Boston 10 is an LA 3…

1:17 pm August, 6 Captain Garanichode said...

Devil and Angel

1:26 pm August, 6 Every Which Way but Douche said...

I just watched that video and peed my pants and lost my lunch at the same time.

1:31 pm August, 6 BigDaddyGoat said...

@Crucial Head- yea, same Suzie Carina pic from last week for Ass Pear..

1:34 pm August, 6 Stephanie said...

sizzle tans: any place that features euro trash disco music is going to suck,automatically. Let them spend all their hard earned cash on crap that does not matter.

Does anyone else see Edger’s pushed in face? Kind of resembles a thrift store teddy bear. How sad.

That woman he’s posing with is just a mannequin from a store display,the only chick he could find.

1:41 pm August, 6 scrotum pole said...

Sometime in the last few weeks, a large stone was placed over the tomb of the Samurai Scrote thread. The last moments were horrific when, amid the jeers and shouts of erectile dysfunction peddlers, it was marched through the streets, humiliated, hung up and made to wear a crown of porn site web addresses.

After being kicked and savagely beaten, a spear was thrust through it’s bowels. The whispered words, “It is finished,” was drowned out by the screaming cacophony of faux Gucci handbag spammers.

Now it rests in a sarcophagus deep in the peaceful hills of Get-semen-e, where a confused and dispirited group of the faithful wait, hoping against hope that the stone will be rolled away.

Hoping as it were, for a miracle.

1:54 pm August, 6 DarkSock said...

Re: Sizzletan – How did they manage to get Paul Stanley of Kiss into that bikini, much less afford him for the commercial?

Re: David H. Brooks, DB of the Year – The article mentions ” …A veterinarian who cared for his stable of racehorses said Mr. Brooks continually talked about the subject…”. Sounds like I need to head over to the Brooks Stables, with a 3-liter Pepsi.

Re: Frolic battles – Literally a sword fight at the beginning? Hell, these jokes just write themselves.

1:57 pm August, 6 Anonymous said...

Boo on that re-run pear

2:04 pm August, 6 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Any straight man that looks at the picture of Bernadette Peters and doesn’t think “Yeah. I still would.” or some variant thereof doesn’t deserve genitalia.

2:15 pm August, 6 Anonymous said...

Some like to roll with porch pear, others roll with porch beef.

2:16 pm August, 6 douchebag1 said...

Apologies for the re-Pear. I’ve repeared the situation by posting another Pear.

– management

2:18 pm August, 6 The Know said...

Thanks boss. I thought I was in a Bill Murray movie.

2:24 pm August, 6 Lämp said...

**clicks on**

.

.

.

I Love Over The Shoulder Pear

.

.

.

**clicks off**

2:29 pm August, 6 Et Tu Douche? said...

DB1,

.

As for lack of Hott in Mass don’t despair having live in Beantown in the late eighties one thing you can count on is there will always be a plethora of Multi-national Hott descending on the scene come early September. I was always fond of the Mindy, Jaime, Shoshana BU type Hotts on or around Comm ave.

.

Don’t let the Phoenix review get you down, what you need to do is round up some bag/bleeth hunters, grab your casting agents and some dark shades or night vision goggles, so as not to burn your retinas and head north of Boston to an under appreciated dare I say hidden gem of a place called Revere Beach and look for a local establishment called Kelly’s Roast Beef. Day & Night this place IS BAG/BLEETH central. They’re like the red headed step children of NJ/LI tribe but equally deserve the mock.

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I’m disappointed with rerun ass pear but since this weeks Hotts were a grade above I’ll get over it. Enjoy the Cape get up to the Beachcomber in Wellfleet if you get the chance.

2:31 pm August, 6 Et Tu Douche? said...

Over the shoulder pear now that’s a fitting way to end a week of mocking.

2:32 pm August, 6 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I think Bernadette Peters gave me my first boner in 1976 when I saw her on the Merv Griffin Show. It just happened again

2:41 pm August, 6 Steve L. said...

Jennifer Aniston should go back to doing nude shots for GQ magazine.

2:44 pm August, 6 Steve L. said...

the trail of destruction left by BB Edgar is the most fearsome lesson i’ve learned this Friday.

that is, unless i watch the videos.

wait. i did watch the videos. why did i do that?

2:47 pm August, 6 Fenton Hardy said...

You should call that last one “Photoshop Pear.” Compare her ass and legs to the rest of her skin. You might as well be jerkin’ off to a Rembrandt painting; they’re equally real.

2:51 pm August, 6 DarkSock said...

Here’s some REAL over-the-shoulder pear. Old school.

2:52 pm August, 6 oprahdeathray said...

I bet the old spice is hers.

2:59 pm August, 6 Mr. Biggs said...

Wow these kids are really taking the vampire thing seriously. I’ve seen corpses with more life in their eyes than this hott.

Just a warning – association with the douche will hollow out your soul.

3:53 pm August, 6 I R A Darth Aggie said...

You mis-spelled Cape Choad. So long, and thanks for all the pear.

4:01 pm August, 6 Vin Douchal said...

Fellers:

.

As a Red Sox fan, it seems the Injury Curse of 2010 has bitten yours truly. I tore my left biceps and yesterday had season ending surgery. An allograph (cadaver) achilles tendon was sewn to my bicep and attached to my forearm with a screw.

.

As result my beloved guitars have all been cased and I type with one hand for 4-6 weeks.

.

After spending the better part of yesterday in a hospital bed hooked up to a morphine drip I was sent home with a sling and a very large jar of Percocet.

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Re Percocet: It is a lovely buzz once you get the hang of it. I’ve had the iPod blaring some Captain Beyond, Allman Bros and Pink Floyd non-stop and the colors breathtaking

.

Can’t Feel Nothing – Captain Beyond

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.

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Good time to be home I guess, Sox v Yankees this weekend. Reminds us of the great Pedro when he said I don’t believe in damn curses. Wake up the damned Bambino and have me face him. Maybe I’ll drill him in the ass.”

.

Fuck Fish Slap, Mark Texiera, Brothabag Edgar, Hooman Ritchie and Alexandra Cavallo

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Fwap,

VD

4:06 pm August, 6 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Vin

.

Did you “curse” Youk or what? Sox season is down the tubes now. No playoffs. That sucks. Will only get moral/Pyhrric victories over Yankmes.Theo’s too busy thinking about defense instead of scoring runs. Hell at this point it’s GO RAYS, FUCCK THE YANKMES!

.

Also, little known fact: percoset and alcohol DO mix. In moderation as usual.

4:27 pm August, 6 massengill said...

The Phoenix article is crap. All of the best writing is in the comments thread below.

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Those Austrian models were hot, too bad that “designer” didn’t do more with those scissors… And by “more” I mean “sever his own carotid artery and windpipe.”

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Anybody else get a load of the size of the apple on Edgar’s iPhone. Jesus Christ, you got somethin to prove, buddy?

.

And beer pong is fun, douche or no douche.

4:56 pm August, 6 tall guy said...

Over the shoulder pear deserves a rerun. In another compelling pose.

4:56 pm August, 6 soy bomb said...

I live in LA now. Mecca of both Hott and douche. Last week I returned to my roots for a vacation…Western Massachusetts. There is a dearth of both douche and Hott in my homeland. While not missing douche at all, the lack of Hott activity had me longing for my adoptive homecity. While it was probably the best vacation I’ve had in a long time with great friends and family, my return back to LA was a breath of fresh bleeth, er, air.

5:00 pm August, 6 scrotum pole said...

@ Vin

I know this is closing the barn door after the horse has gotten out, but If you’re a natural right hander, don’t try to switch- hit and ‘bate with your left.

5:07 pm August, 6 soy bomb said...

Vin, you are one of my heroes. Your recent injury has inspired me to address something that I’ve been putting off for far too long…Purchasing your douchesongs on iTunes. Nothing pleased me more than typing “Vin Dou” and having iTunes completing the artist name. Hope the .04¢ helps in your recovery.

.

.

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Yankees Suck.

5:43 pm August, 6 Anonymous said...

OMG a Pauly D wannabe!

6:43 pm August, 6 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Vin–sweet merciful crap, man, I hope you’re ok. You have cadaver parts in you now? You have no idea how awesome that makes you. You’re, like, part zombie now. Or Re-animated. Fuck it. Send me pics of the incision, I need something for ‘baitin later.

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I meant ‘research’.

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Serious question–I’m noticing more and more of these YouTube videos of guidos frolicking are actually titled with the word “frolic”. Is this something else is doing to mock these guys, or are these guys “taking back” the word like so many other subsects have done?

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RE Edgarbag: Perhaps I’m jumping the gun here, but I smell a strong contender for the yearly. Now that’s some classic JP style douchery. As for his flaxen Real Doll there, I would ever so delicately kiss her calves and then hold her in my arms tenderly as we watched ‘House’. And then I would stick my fingers in her vagina.

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@ DB1–I wouldn’t put a lot of stock in the opinion of a “professional writer” who doesn’t know that “alot” is STILL not a word and using it will not fucking make it so. Go back to school, you pretentious, semi-literate fucktard! You’re not a real writer until your shit is printed on paper and sold for money, IMHO.

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Dear Bernadette Peters: You and I have the same hair. What say we get together and see how long it takes until scissors are required to separate us?

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@ Aussie T-shirt cutter guy: Your interest in Shibari is respectable, Your take on the art is creative. However, Ed Hardy shirts are no substitute for proper rope. Observe.

7:50 pm August, 6 Troy Tempest said...

@vin – sorry to hear of your injury. Get better soon.

7:53 pm August, 6 skrag2112 said...

Bernadette Peters is still hot.

Over The Shoulder Pear reminds me of a teacher in high school I dreamed about banging.

But Edgar, UGH! Every he takes a picture of himself, God kills a puppy.

8:59 pm August, 6 Andy said...

I’m from boston and although we don’t have woo hotties we have some serious quality poe ho’s (bright brunettes with dark brewding eyes, and dark brewding boobs) and they are nice girls that don’t feel the need to get buck to show the Hot. Boston is the center of the world for librarian hot and you dismiss us as so much vacant vegas. Today you sir have douched (i feel this verb should be used as “farted” is now, a pervasive and uninvited nuisance that offends senses). good day sir.

9:00 pm August, 6 Vin Douchal said...

Yeah. After consulting with the orthopedic surgeon, I said, ” Okay I’m gonna have a cool scar on my arm which will never straighten out like a Clint Eastwood crook, I’ll have a dead guy’s achilles in my biceps and you’ll send me home with two months worthof Percocet? Where do I sign?”

.

The clincher was when he said he’d get me some HGH to get back in shape. Scoooooore

.

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Captain Beyond rocks. I’ll get a photo of the incision up as soon as the bandages are off

9:11 pm August, 6 Lil' Fartknocker said...

Snitches don’t stitches…they get probation.

9:33 pm August, 6 Mr. Biggs said...

Hey … I always suspected doubebags were just the future leaders of America. Only someone with that kind of fevered sense of entitlement could be groomed for such a job as military contractor CEO or BP executive.

10:47 pm August, 6 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

I went to a Bernadette Peters concert once at a university venue and sat in the middle of the front row and saw everything up close and heard-personal. SHe was quite an act, singing at one point “Pennies From Heaven” and throwing real coppers into the audience. But the old folks making up much of the attendees did not inspire much song of Bernadette, one could really see her disappointment. I’ve always wondered how she’d be in front of a truly appreciative group of fans, instead of a subscription series.

10:53 pm August, 6 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Holy Cow, Vin, this Cubs fan sends his regards. I’m still mentally enjoyin’ your composition about The Donk…and thinking there’s gotta be an experience here with your misfortune that will be worth composing about. In the meantime, enjoy that Perc, and bless your lucky stars you live in North America and got good medical care instead of in some dire place somewhere in the third world. Oh, and find a really hott PT when you’re ready for that rehab. It can happen!

6:14 am August, 7 Douchelips said...

Brothabag Edgar gonna kill it in the weekly!

6:17 am August, 7 doucheywallnuts said...

A veritable cornucopia of douchey and pear goodness on this Friday edition. The more I see Edgar the more I think he’s the black Joey Porche. Perhaps we can get a side-by-side photo montage with the McCartney/Wonder classic Ebony and Ivory playing in the background. New England is in a perpetual Ice Age when it comes to Hotts, as they have an ample supply of large breasted women with non-gnawable faces, thick ankles and calves, who also love to drink. I will direct those people who think the TV show the Jersey Shore is an unrealistic/unfair portrayal of Jerz Italians to the Sizzle Tans commercial. As a Jerz resident of Italian decent I marvel at those around me who are oblivious to the evidence of a Greico virus epidemic in their surrounding. Vis a vis Bernie Peters, I had the opportunity to work with her on a one-to-one basis over 20 years ago, and she is as smokin’ today as she was then.

7:42 am August, 7 Wheezer said...

Mmmmmm, a double dip of the Pear…..reruns are always welcome!

7:58 am August, 7 scrotum pole said...

I banged Bernadette Peters in the ’70’s, but quite honestly she was a little loose after her love scene in “Young Frankenstien.”

8:04 am August, 7 Troy Tempest said...

So, I don’t pay attention to celebrity bullshit – I actively avoid it – and depend on friends to keep me informed of the bigger explosions of idiocy in the aporetic regress of celebrity “news”.

And to that end, a friend sent me news of Snooki’s arrest, with a photo.

Those who know me know that I am not a Big Fan of the Boys In Blue, but I am not an enemy of the Constabulary, either. That said, I send my hearty congratulations to the Seaside Heights Police Department for doing what the Ocean County hazmat team refuses to do:

Clear the beach of trash.

8:10 am August, 7 Troy Tempest said...

Medusa nailed it re: Edgar’s blonde – she looks like she is either dead or a Real Doll ™ he’s propping up.

Or maybe, if we’re lucky, she’s a zombie and chewed his face off seconds ofter this photo was taken.

8:26 am August, 7 Troy Tempest said...

A Test:

Snooki’s brothers come to bail her out:

8:27 am August, 7 Troy Tempest said...

Hmmmmm…. img src tags don’t work any more…

9:35 am August, 7 DarkSock said...

Vin: that sucks. What were you doing, ‘bating on meth? Muscle tears hurt; I tore a rotator cuff in my 20’s; I was chasing a naked girl around a coffee table and slipped on a Crutchfield catalog on the floor; arm went behind me in a sick angle. That HURT. Got a sympathy BJ from it later…but still. The cadaver part is cool; maybe you lucked out and got Abe Vigoda’s tendon.

.

Typing with one hand should be a skill you have down by now on this site, if you know what I mean…especially on Ass Pear Fridays.

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Can I download some of your Percocet from your iTunes page? It’s strictly for recreational needs, I promise.

9:36 am August, 7 Abe Vigoda said...

^ I’m not dead yet. Asshole.

10:10 am August, 7 DarkSock said...

I learned my lesson from my rotator cuff accident. I cancelled my subscription to Crutchfield catalogs.

10:13 am August, 7 London-Calling said...

This was one of the best weeks ever on HCWDB. You have answered a question that has been around my head lately, where are the ethnic Douches? Low and Behold Edgar appears. Thank you Edgar, you prove that Douchery goes through ethnicities like a hot knife through butter. My new question is: Where are the gay Douches? I know they exist, how about a special addition of gay bags? and I’m not talking about the guys on the site already who aren’t aware that they’re flaming, but genuine Out and Proud bags!

11:02 am August, 7 captain cleanoff (don't get any on you) said...

Umm Bernadette Peters! Aass beer is Norwegian would love to try some. BF buddies get red bull and vodka.

11:16 am August, 7 Dr. Lance Kuykendall, Ph.D said...

As President of the Human/Equine Anti-Micturation League, just allow me to say:

.

“Just say “neigh” to peeing in horses.” Or vice/versa.

11:19 am August, 7 Captain Lame said...

The contents on the bathroom counter are all the brotha bags.

Except the deodorant. Edgar stinks.

11:32 am August, 7 DarkSock said...

Hey, is that an Apple iPhone in his hand?

11:33 am August, 7 DarkSock said...

$20 says he leases an entry-level BMW and the car’s emblem’s as big as a pizza box

11:35 am August, 7 DarkSock said...

Kid probably wedgies himself so you can see his Versace drawers, too.

.

Sadly, it appears to have worked. Again. As we see here so many times, there appears to be a ratio of Girl Hottness and said Girl’s ease of being sold on sizzle instead of steak. Unless it’s tube steak.

11:37 am August, 7 DarkSock said...

Or, it could be a combination of the white powder in his pocket and those two little holes in the center of her face.

11:53 am August, 7 Captain Lame said...

Edgar’s face looks like a well groomed tumor with makeup…

11:56 am August, 7 Captain Lame said...

WTF!!! I didn’t know my taint owned an iPhone!…

12:00 pm August, 7 Captain Lame said...

Yes brotha bag can score the hotts. However he can’t score WITH the hotts. The tend to leave early when they discover his vagina…

12:31 pm August, 7 scrotum pole said...

@ scrotum pole 7:58 am

You ignorant dumb fuck, that wasn’t Bernadette Peters, it was Madeline Kahn.

12:33 pm August, 7 Douchie Arnaz said...

True dat re: Boston hottie dearthness. To get on a plane in Boston and get off in LA is like going to hott heaven.

8:26 am August, 9 RAPETIME said...

Real Doll or mudshark? It’s been days and I still can’t figure it out.

7:05 pm August, 9 Jimmy said...

Snitches get stitches is a Joey Porsche pal

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