Monday, August 9, 2010

HCwDB of the Month

Four quality finalists of hottie/douchey mucktimuck. The prelims are over. And while we won’t see this douche until the next Weekly, it’s time for you to bring it. It’s the HCwDB of the Month.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Smugger John and Valencia

Chalk up the Smugger for “real world” ‘baggery, and Valencia for Emanuelle level female self exploration of budding sexuality.

The Smugger was an unlikely victor in the Weekly, but the Monthly is a much bigger fry to cook. And by fry, I mean underwear reveal, and by cook, I mean mock like it’s a buttcheek wart.

The Monthly is, of course, the last step to competing at the 2010 Douchie Awards in December for the HCwDB of the Year.

Can the Smugger and Valencia compete?

Perhaps. For Valencia’s leg boots are quality gnaw.

But that brings us to choice #2:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: The ‘Baggle Axe and Marissa Sisters

The ‘Baggle Axe took down the heavy favorites in his Weekly (The Stars Hawk and Blight)

Pretty impressive ‘Baggle Axer with bonus toxic groin shave. But enough to take the Monthly? That remains to be seen.

On the Hott side of the equation, The Marissa Sisters are real world Philadelphia giggle.

Especially you, Marissa #1 on the left. How I would pooch your glutes and slap a whisky glass with a dead halibut just for the chance to harmonize your convergence.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Jebus, Mary and Broseph

Who could forget The Jebus and Mary Stain, and The Semen on the Mount?

Our creepy Euro party coupling of the Monthly, the Jebus and Mary Stain is all sorts of cultural blight iconography.

Creepy Euro gaybaggery?

Perhaps.

But The Passion of the Crust is all sorts of mockable club scrotewankery.

Shirtless, pouty, rich trust fund asswipery at work in the overpriced Grey Goose ordering purgatorio of Euro ambivalence.

It’s enough to make me slap a Romanian baker and ask for change.

And Mother Mary comes to me. Speaking words of accent. Let me gnaw. Let me gnaw.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Mountinis and Kimberly


Blame Canada. When Fred and Jed Mountini go for Appletinis, all hope is lost.

Our Canadian entry in the Monthly, these three Northern Blights represent all that has gone wrong in our friendly Canucks of the North.

Are they performative spectacle? Perhaps. But that is no excuse for Fred Mountini’s ridiculous hair. And while we can’t get a great look at Kimberly, her hott factor is legit.

But lest your humble narrator ramble any more on this Monday after he returned from the Cape, let me turn it over to you.

Which of these four Weekly winners brings both toxic douchosity and delightful hotticity in combo enough to win the Weekly and compete in the Yearly?

Vote, as always, with your reasons in the comments thread.

If you still haven’t created a profile on the site so you can vote with confidence, you can set up a profile here.

# posted by douchebag1
7:08 am August, 9 boatbutter said...

Jesus will forsake Jebus and so do I.

7:11 am August, 9 Douchelips said...

Jebus, Mary and Broseph for the win! (loss)
.
They are epic douchebaggery. First century shirtless posing, hand gestures and a series of remarkably disturbing pictures.
.
I would ride a donkey through the wilderness, sleeping in straw covered haystacks just for the chance to kick Jebus is the daddy long-legs.

7:14 am August, 9 Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky said...

So much douche, so little time.
‘Baggle Axe FTW. Leather pants? Check. GSR? Check. Obnoxious tattoo of what appears to be either a Roman Centurion or a toilet brush? Check. Gnawable Amanda Bynes hott on his right? Check times three.

7:30 am August, 9 ehcuodouche said...

I hesitate to not vote for Jeebus, but the seductive innocence of the Marissa sisters won me over. That and the greasy Baggle Axe that is soiling them.

7:31 am August, 9 Troy Tempest said...

This is a tough one.

Smugger sucks. He’s showing us something that, years later, will resemble a throw pillow from IKEA. Valencia’s all kinds of bleethy retardation. Yuck. I can see why they won the weekly.

The Baggle Axe and his PrepH smeared lobster gut, his stupid helmet that he mugged Hermes for, and the glasses – hurl worthy. And the girl to his right with the overbite? Utterly sweet and scrumptious. The level of contrast in this image is such that it makes my spleen bleed just looking at it.

Jebus Mary and Broseph? To hell with them all.

And the Mountinis? I’m not convinced they are Canadian. I think they’re American douchenozzles from Staten Island on holiday at Niagara Falls. The pneumatic bleeth is bending her knees so she doesn’t tower over the tiny sticklegged douchebag next to her. Unintentional funzors.

I am in a quandary – I don’t know who should go to the Annual to face the likes of Stackhouse.

So, I should look at the mandate: Hot Chicks With Douchebags.

The chick with the Mountinis? Kinda chubby and 6 ft tall. Notta hott. VERY cute, and I’m sure she’s all kinds of gooshy bang bang in bed, but hott? Nope.

Baggle Axe? Of all the women pictured here, the girl with the overbite is the only one I find attractive. So, let’s keep this onw.

Smugger? Valencia is a hottie, if you find chlamydia attractive.

And Mary’s a bleeth, but much more attractive. So, it’s between the stench of BaggleAxe or the existential nausea of Jebus.

Baggle Axe is 2x the shitstain Jebus will ever be, but Mary’s got a very fine rack and a very elegant face, even it she never smiles. Hmmmm.

I go with Baggle Axe. His baggery is excessive, and while the Marissa sisters aren’t classic hotties, they are all sweet and attractive young women who have no business being in the same zip code as Baggle Axe. Baggle Axe is exactly what we must stop with this website – stop the advance of mindless baggery that is infecting sweet young things like the Marissa sisters.

7:41 am August, 9 bigphatnotadouche said...

I agree with Troy Tempest’s logic. I go with HCwDB premise which is when in doubt go the Hott chick. So with with those boots made for walking I vote for the monthly of Smuggler and cowgirl Val.

7:51 am August, 9 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

I must go with the Mountinis, for they have brought shame and disgrace to my nation’s flag. All the others are worthy choads, but only one has smeared their filth across an entire nation.

7:56 am August, 9 Wedgie said...

Baggle Axe. Anyone with enough stones to wear the same battle helmet the flying monkeys wore in Flash Gordon deserves some props.

Well done, jackass.

8:09 am August, 9 Mr. White said...

Crunch the numbers, take the difference, and find the absolute value, and you’ll see: The difference between the Gay Steel Mill Worker’s douche coefficient and real-world, non-Bleethed, western PA succulence of the Marissa sisters approaches infinity. I’d go back to my 8th grade gym class–with the teacher who was a very, very angry failed NFL draft pick who used to throw basketballs at us at speeds approaching Mach 1 just for fun–for the opportunity to pass middle Marissa a note that she’d use to stick her gum in and never read.

8:18 am August, 9 Bag Margera said...

While I was expecting to vote for the Mountini’s shaming my once-great nation, I can’t shake off the disgust of Jebus for shaming an entire religion. I’m not really religious or anything, but using religion to bag gorgeous Mary hotts, burns me up like a witch in Salem. Jebus FTW, and by W, I mean the Passion of Mel Gibson .

8:28 am August, 9 SonnyChibaChoad said...

Baggle Axe FTW
I’m with Troy Tempest on this one. For me, HCWDB has always been the hott-douche RATIO, thus Phillysweethottie trio with a single choadwankscrotesphincterdouchenozzle of Baggle’s magnitude FTW
@ least for this month…unlikely to prevail vs. Stackhouse

8:28 am August, 9 RAPETIME said...

The Mountinis and Kimberly; I’ve never seen three guys with bigger tits than the chick they’re with. Fuck you, Canada. I thought you were cool, man.

Plus that Kimberly has one fine bumper.

8:29 am August, 9 End the Haberdouchery said...

My vote goes to Smugger John and Valencia. The weakest douche of the bunch, but the hottest hott. And isn’t mocking douchery in the presence of hott what we’re all about here? Sure he’s not slathered in Preparation H, but he is choad nonetheless.

8:31 am August, 9 smackdouche said...

Jebus: (humbly,quietly) I want them to vote for the most deserving.

Mary: (commanding) JEBUS REQUIRES YOUR VOTES!!! CAST THEM NOW!!!

Who am I to contradict Jebus and Mary?

8:32 am August, 9 Fyodor Dostedouchesky said...

When in doubt, go with the hot chick, true dat. Which for me means Smuggs vs. Jebus. And while Valencia may be an eyelash ahead of mother Mary, I just can’t get that worked up about Smuggs — clearly the guy sucks ass, but in our Jersey Shore-ified popular “culture” (need a better word), he’s just not that noteworthy. Jebus, on the other hand, represents many of the things that disgust me most — which good taste prevents me from detailing here. Jebus for the monthly and hopefully a nailing to a cross.

8:35 am August, 9 Professor 'Baglioni said...

This is the second time that I confidently cast a vote for the ‘Baggle Axe.

Why ‘Baggle Axe? He’s wearing a metallic helmet (the aviators, shoulder tatt, and leather pants don’t help either.)

And the Marissa sisters (particularly the one to the far right) are charming in that girl-next-door sort of way.

8:38 am August, 9 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

I would carry out unspeakable acts uponst Mary’s sternum. She is uber sucklegnaw. Alas, the pic that shows her looking like she is about to cry reveals her uber high-maintenanceness. By that, I mean the kind of high-maintenanceness only a “tortured”, “complex” emo douche like Jeebus could get away with not maintaining. For she is unmaintainable. And she was lost before she even met Jeebus.
.
That being said, I must cast in for the ‘Baggle Axe and explain why. He is tainting the lovely Marissa #2 in the middle. Luckily, M2 is well grounded and will survive a few moments of axeposure, but the ‘Baggle Axe’s brazen efforts to taint the sentient Marissas will be rewarded with my vote.
.
‘Baggle Axe FTM.

8:39 am August, 9 Battlescrote Galactica said...

It is with a heavy heart that I must vote for the monthly without The Starhawk in contention for a true victory… I saw a cartoon series, a line of kids lunch boxes and a set of action figures in his future. Oh well such is life…

Since the mock must go on, my vote goes for the Mountini Twins… They exemplify dedicated douchatude, which I strongly believe is rooted between the crosshairs of this sites original target market…

A super nova of tribal tats on tanned, roided skin, ultra-gay hair, a six pound watch, Afflictionish shirts, women’s sunglasses, bling chains and fake diamond earrings send these two tools straight into the Douche Stratosphere.

Jebus, is just simply creepy like some kind of extremist religious cult leader.

Baggle Axe’s douchery is tight, but could easily be hidden with a shirt and by removing the Village People hat as he seems to be a male stripper with some kind of day job working at Circuit City…

Smuggers is simply just a Hood Rat which could make for a whole other spin-off site; “Hot Chicks with Hood Rats.com”… He needs to get his Douche together if he really thinks he can win a monthly in my opinion. Get some “bad ass” tats some frosted tips and a Tapout shirt and come see the Boss next month and maybe you’ll be worthy!

I would still like to cast a vote for The Starhawk in the Hall of Scrote… He really put in a solid effort with the tie and all! Perhaps the Boss might use his “Powers of Appointment” to see it through HCwDB Congress?!?!

8:44 am August, 9 Wheezer said...

Verily, thou must remember the time of the Douchies, and that is the time of the Shavior. Mayhap only the Emost High Jebus and His Doucheciples wilt withstand the otherwise certain final victory of the one called Shathouse. Thou shalt have no other Scrote Gods before Him; Jebus is Risen!…..as has His personal bodily aroma.
.
So yeah, I’m voting for Jebus. I want to see Him take on Shathouse in the Yearly. I think the potential gaybaggery is a front to double His chances of having followers on a Saturday night…..or maybe he just wants to offer his Sunday services. I know I’d like to be Mary’s Holy Schtupper. (I’d like to offer Valencia my own bread loaf as well.)

8:45 am August, 9 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

‘Baggle Axe and Marissa Sisters ftw. He’s objectionable to all senses. GSR, check. Strange tat, check. Tight leather pants with large belt buckle, check. Golden pith helmet, check.

8:45 am August, 9 justadouchalo said...

I am currently seeking papal dispensation to hunt down and kill Jebus but, until I get word from the Vatican, off to the yearly he goes.

8:49 am August, 9 melvil duchi said...

The ‘Baggle Axe and Marissa Sisters

8:49 am August, 9 Justin said...

Jebus may be gay, but his outlandish, unrelenting level of douche-traits and searing hotts makes him the best candidate for crucifixion. Nail him up!
.
Jebus and Mary FTW

8:58 am August, 9 Deltus said...

Jebus and Mary almost had my vote. But she, though uberhotttummygnaw, is also pretty heavily Bleethed too. The Marissa Sisters, on the other hand, are both pure as the driven snow and make my naughty parts feel all funny and engorged. Baggle Axe, though professional choadmeat, is more taintstain than Jebus. Baggle and Marissas are the greatest differential, and so they get my vote.

Baggle Axe and the Marissas FTW.

9:21 am August, 9 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

You can always change your clothes, your hair, your adoucherements, and drag your sorry ass into the Squirty-Lube for your Sunday shift holding the cardboard sign that reads “$10 off a full service change” on the front and “I have no future” on the back. You can even roll your sleeves down to cover the tatts you blow each six-digit check on. But you go full-douche and get a neck tatt and all bets are off. You’ve pretty much told the world “You couldn’t hate me any more than I hate myself” and committed yourself to being “Barrow Bitch” on the mostly hispanic cement crew, all the while dodging phone calls from the cable company and those jump offs who keep claiming you’re the father of their down syndrome children.
.
But it could be worse. You could be standing in a strip mall liquor store parking lot with $3.76 in your pocket flashing your ab (emphasis on ab singular) to your bro so he can put your pick in the interwebs in exchange for a litre of cheap tequila. Beats giving him a blow job, doesn’t it?
.
Or does it?
.
Valencia is pure bleeth, but I’d still leave a present in her shoulder bag when she isn’t looking. You rub it on your skin but don’t get it anywhere near your eyes because it’ll you know…’cuz I’ve got this infecti…so you don’t want your eyes all pink and…anyhow, you know what I mean.
.
Because Smugger John’s neck tatt says “Chop Here”, he gets my vote in the monthly.

9:21 am August, 9 DarkSock said...

We must save the MMS (Middle Marissa Sister) before she makes like Jim Henson’s Muppet Workshop and goes down on Baggle Cockk.
.
Baggle Axe and the Marissas FTW.

9:24 am August, 9 DarkSock said...

Jim Henson’s from Mississippi, you know.

9:24 am August, 9 Crucial Head said...

Baggle Axe and Marissa Sisters.
.
And I think those fellow ‘bag hunters who have daughters will understand. Our job is to keep ’em off the pole. These sisters stand a chance… but this pic offers evidence as to why we must continue the fight. Otherwise, they’ll soon look like Mary and Valencia – a veritable petri dish of disease that leaves nothing in its wake but a trail of aborted fetuses.

9:41 am August, 9 dbBen said...

Jebus
.
He tells the hotts that he’s Chaldean. It’s just familiar enough to be mysterious. And because they buy it, it makes me want to sucker punch a land-mine.

9:50 am August, 9 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@dbBen^

sucker punch a land-mine
.
heh heh.

10:02 am August, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Jebus for the sin. Mary wails at the temple and God weeps for the children.

10:02 am August, 9 armydouche said...

With deep thought and much inward contemplation, by which i mean gouging my eyes with a spoon, I cast my vote for baggle ax. For only he has the unholy leather pants of GSR, the shoulder tat of douchitude and an enchanted golden helmet. He’s gotta get bonus points for that helmet….

10:14 am August, 9 Baleen said...

Finding it difficult to decide among our contestants, I ventured to the bateroom to take a shit. I thus employed an old ritual taught to me by the bag hunters of old. I examined the brown offering in the ceramic bowl. It had a silt like appearance and pungent yet fresh aroma. Very smooth, very noxious. By divination of my poo, I choose Jebus ftw.

10:27 am August, 9 creature said...

Jebus… for he can do miracles… when he touches his cockk it turns to stone, marble to be precise, which impresses the ladies, until he touches it to them & it turns to linguine… wet slimey linguine

Jebus ftw

10:29 am August, 9 Plowboy said...

Jebus ftm, he’s just trying too hard. Also, I think he represents a truly different chapter in the devolution of humankind towards pure douchebaggery. Sure, we see plenty of steroidal, tattooed, Ed Hardy-wearing scrotum-poles, but Jebus has left behind all these earthly delights to form a whole new chapter of douchiness. This is where the devolutionary ladder forks, and we can expect to see more clowns like this to be spawned in the months to come…

10:30 am August, 9 Red Headed Woman said...

No. 1.

10:37 am August, 9 ElderDouch said...

As a dyed in the wool atheist I have to vote for Jebus

10:38 am August, 9 mr.reeve said...

The Canadian Shame, The Mountinis and Kimberly FTW. I still can not get over the girly martini picture plus Kimberly looks nasty in a good way. Again, sorry Canada for the virus reaching your land. It is a world wide problem people.

10:47 am August, 9 tall guy said...

An interesting distillation of mock fellow baggers.
While there’s a certain left-field douchiness about the Jebus stain, His is a presence that lacks the omnipresence required for a monthly. And speaking for myself (well, writing for myself, actually) tiredness brings irritability, restlessness and an overwhelming desire to punch on. Thus, no monthly for you, Jebus!
Baggle Axe however is something altogether different. He raised the bar with that helmut. Plus the groin shave reveal/gold moof buckle combo is a silent yet persistent reminder of the worst example of douche accessory. And, crucial head’s pertinent point regarding fatherhood is confirmed by the look on the faces of at least 2 Marissa sisters; who appear to be at stage one of pantie removal thought from brief association with the Baggle – or at least by his accessories. Very disturbing. So Baggle Axe for the win. May his leather bridle mysteriously tighten and cause an eruption of Krakatoa-like proportions in his lobster ab region.

11:02 am August, 9 Vin Douchal said...

The Mountinis are straight out of Blueboy magazine, The ‘Baggle Axe is probably some frat kid knicknamed, Screwlius Cockkhole, or something and Jebus is creepy. Really creepy .
.
Valencia oozes sexuality in her cutoffs and boots. She knows her ass is her best asset as opposed to her brain or speaking ability so she turns it to face the camera. Troy, maybe I do find chlamydia attractive. I would teach her the meaning of the word, “Ouch!”

Smugger has a sense of entitlement. Truly undeserved, but if he can get an extra salt pack at The Hat with his pastrami and cheese fries, he’s the King of Brea, CA
.
Therefore, Smugger John and Valencia FTW.

11:12 am August, 9 Et Tu Douche? said...

Having just got to this I want to commend my fellow bag hunters & huntress’s on their commitment to eradicating the poo that is douchebaggery. The comments so far have been spot on now on to the voting.
.
By process of elimination the first to go is the Mountinis why? because while there is not doubt they are D-Bags Kimberly just doesn’t bring enough to the equation to truly qualify them.
.
The JBM trio does not offend me they are mere, gaybaggery, fag-hag artist annoyance one would find in any hipster, low rent enclave in many a city across this country. You would have to actually seek them out as opposed to seeing them on a regular basis.
.
FTW I cast my vote for the 3M’s and the HamBaggler axe. Me thinks he’s PTP but none the less he is Douche. He was probably drinking a protein shake, after having gotten back from the Jim Naseum when his fellow unemployed Chippendale Bro Christian called to tell him “Hey I know this isn’t the big leagues like we were used to but I found you a gig, and at $50 and free finger food, it’s a no brainer. All you have to do is show up at this bachelorette party, at the Holiday Inn Monroeville as a gladiator”. To which the HamBaggler replied ” Yea bro I can do that no prob plus my ab’s are way more ripped then that Gerard Butler in “300” and my GSR is in full force, thanks for the lead If this goes well maybe I can get back on tour with the big boys and hopefully land us a steady gig”
.
While on the other end of the spectrum the 3M’s, who are Western PA, corn fed, Primanti sandwich eating, wholesome, young-hott didn’t know what to say to Ham Bag Axe when after the show he approached them and offered to pose with them for a mere sum of $15. They probably giggled and said to themselves sure why not you look silly enough and plus our BFF’s will get a good laugh out of this when we upload the pic to FB. Little did they know what they were getting into. On the surface it seemed like harmless fun but in reality they were perilously close to heading down the wrong track when out of nowhere came a man, a mans man, who had observed this atrocity, and realizing what was going on stepped in albeit after the pic was taken, knocked the gaydiator out with with one punch and whisked the young ladies back to the party expounding on the blight and social ills of being in such proximity to toxic choadwankery. Shaken and realizing what they had done they asked “how could we ever repay you” he replied “All I ask, and I speak for many, is that as you progress in life don’t fall victim to the douchosity that is currently plaguing mankind” and with that as he set off back through the lobby in search of a milk shake confident he did the right thing Overbite Marissa called out “Who are you” to which he replied “Largeman, John Largeman”.
.
Foot note:
.
John Largeman was in the region staying at the hotel for the night, having just gotten back from Lake Erie as part of his W. PA fishing vacation, before heading out to the Laurel Highlands for some kick-ass trout fishing.

11:20 am August, 9 Jaques Doucheteau said...

The culture corruption spreading north to infect our Canuck bretheren must be acknowledged. Only by recognizing the disease, can we hope to find a cure. Most likely with the strategic application of heavy artillery and vesicant chemical warfare agents. Their peacock-like display and impudent middle finger signaling while sucking down overpriced faggoty froo froo drinks, confirm their complete absence of genuine worth as productive beings. They exist in a moral vacuum where social grace and any sense of moderation is an entirely foreign concept. Their lives are devoid of meaning, and yet they soldier on in an ignorant state of homoerotic narcissism, ethically constipated and doomed to subsist on the droppings of corporate culture’s force-fed swill.
.
Kimberly is all sorts of nice. She probably smells like papaya infused shampoo, Dove body wash, and trailer park. I would exchange pleasantries with her, discussing parliamentary politics and the plight of the world’s coral reefs, while my eyes regularly dart downward to take in more of her creamy, creamy thighs. She can Yukon my Winnipeg any day.

11:24 am August, 9 Douche Boyardee's Cheese and Bagaroni said...

This is a tough Monthly, but I am going to have to go with Jebus and Mary Stain.

Something tells me if I drank Jebus’s Holy Water it would turn my intestines into a log flume.

I would love to have a sinful weekend with Mary, even if I knew ahead of time that three days later I will be standing in line at the pharmacy to pick up my prescription to make it stop burning when I pee.

11:31 am August, 9 Merle Baggard said...

Jebus, just to keep the puns coming.

11:38 am August, 9 Eliza Douchecoo said...

This is definitely a tough one as all are worthy of the title because every last one of them are poo. I can’t go with Jebus because that is pure gaybaggery so he’s out. I can’t go with the Smugger and Valencia she’s got a butterface and he looks like he would be proud to win the monthly…smug fucc. The Baggle Axe appears to be working, not sure if the GSR is in the employee handbook? That leaves the Mountinis and Fred’s stupid hair. Steroids+ OD on tribal tattoos+ shirtless in public +douche hair = Mountinis FTM.

11:40 am August, 9 Sack O Douche said...

The Mountinis and Kimberly are the best/worst combo for me. Kimberly sticks it out like a champion slut. And I thank her for that. The Canadian Bro Bags are all confused with the tough guy/metro/gay/roid bag look. I like it so much I say congrats you Canadian taints! You win in my opinion. Melon Martinis anyone?????

11:44 am August, 9 Bangladouche said...

Jebus, he’s the son of Douche-God. And the Messiah of Poo.

11:45 am August, 9 soy bomb said...

Fine douches all but I’m gonna hafta go with Jebus and Mary for the win. If I ever saw this guy in public my first thought would be “Douchebag”, my second thought would be “why am I in this crack-den? Where’s the exit?” Then I would see Mary and remember why I slimed my way into the hell-hole in the first place. I was stalking her. Oh heavily-medicated Mary, won’t you let me hail you?

11:55 am August, 9 scrotum pole said...

Valencia has a turdcutter that would make Betty Crocker blush, Smugger John has abs that would make the Pilsbury Doughboy giggle.
Smugger John & Valencia FTW.

11:55 am August, 9 douche bagel said...

i would actually like to thank smugger john for being a vessel of douche and exposing us to valencia. for it is because of him that i gnaw on valencias suckle thighs in my dreams.
automatic jeebus for the win. never has anyone induced punch reflex quite like the jeebs

12:06 pm August, 9 Bagnonymous said...

Smugger John and Valencia. Because I’ve already soiled my color-dot-matrix printout of the Marissa sisters so many times over, it looks like a hot mess of technicolor phlegm with a golden background sheen. And because Mary is less a “hot chick” and more a “skinny white bitch who needs to eat a sammich.”

12:08 pm August, 9 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

In the name of Hotchick and Douchebag, I go with Smugger John and Valencia. Smugger is pure pouty abs-reveal with dropped pants and undie reveal. Valencia, on the other hand, covers her arse with the cutest denim shorts this side of the rumpus-room, exposing her curvaceous legs and modestly attiring her feet and lower calves with cowgirl boots, all the while tossing her best over-the-shoulder akimbo arms glance back atcha’ while showing off her wasp-waist and steamy come-on. Those boots were made for stompin’ out the competition in this monthly, and so they do, in my humble estimation.

12:11 pm August, 9 armydouche said...

i don’t get why jebus is a douche. he aires more of a strung out junkie to me….

12:12 pm August, 9 UFO Destroyers said...

It’s gotta be Baggle Axe for the loss. Polluting the fair Summer Glau just pushed it over the line for me. And by over the line, IOB.

12:24 pm August, 9 Tony Ventresca said...

#4, because the douchebags make me want to press that big red button in that locked cabinet in my parents’ basement, the button which my grandfather warned me never to press because a holy shit-rain of fire and doom would pour down on us and cleanse the world of the righteous and damned alike.

12:34 pm August, 9 I R A Darth Aggie said...

If I go by which douche makes me want to punch a kitten in the ‘nads, that would be Jebus. If I go by which douche makes me want to let a kitten punch me in the nads, it would be Baggle Axe. So…Smugger John FTW ’cause Valencia has the least amount of clothing.

12:43 pm August, 9 Poultry Turd said...

When faced with life’s difficult decisions, it’s best to seek guidance from above.
So, I asked the dude that lives in the apartment above mine, and his reply came down:
“In the name of his father, the sun and the holy scrote, choose Jebus.”

12:58 pm August, 9 AbuDoucheBag said...

Mt. Douchebag!!

1:00 pm August, 9 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Jeebus FTW! Why? Because Jebus can perform miracles. It is said that he once cured a ham. There have been reports that he turned ordinary wine into urine. His powers have reached down into all of us by turning our perfectly good food into vomit. He has even cast a veil upon our eyes to question his sexuality at times. How does he do all this? Because he is the chosen one.
.
Oh, and I checked Mr. White’s math. It seems he forgot in that taking the square root of a negative number his vote became imaginary.

1:14 pm August, 9 jonezy said...

.
A personal first for me, I cast my vote towards the most pun-able pairing.
.
.
“Bless me, Father, for I have scroted”
.
Any pics with Jeebus in the Shroud of Baggin’?
.
I hope DB1 delivers a litany of puns when Jeebus makes the DBotY finals…

2:17 pm August, 9 Maxim Kovalenko said...

It’s gotta be Jebus, ’cause in all honesty: that picture is one of the more surreal things I’ve seen in a while.

3:19 pm August, 9 Dododouche said...

This is between Jebus and Baggleaxe. The others don’t exude the same level of douchitude.

While Baggleaxe is noxious, he is obviously some sort of male stripper and the Marissa sisters are not that hot.

Jebus and Mary FTW!

4:13 pm August, 9 Medusa Oblongata said...

I’m gonna go with Smugger John. Why? It seems all the other douches in question are lean and fit, meaning they had to do SOME physical exercise to get that way. ‘Roids only do so much. And, well, in Jebus’ case, it’s more likely Heroin, but, hey, let’s see YOU inject yourself three times a day for a non-life threatening situation. Smugger is just a slovenly plastic bag full of cream cheese. The only thing worse than a douchebag is a lazy douchebag. And I’d venture a guess that Valencia goes both ways. I gotta chance! Smugger John FTW.

4:31 pm August, 9 Horace Dangleballs said...

Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters.

Baggle is wearing a helmet since doormen have a tendency to smash him in the back of the head with a tray stand and drag his sorry carcass off to the dumpster. The Marissas look game for any number of filthy antics and Marissa #3 on the right has just the right amount of front-butt curve to do it for me. Sorry, I like ladies who aren’t invisible when they turn in profile…

5:00 pm August, 9 Steve L. said...

for some reason the tatt & hawk bastard in the Mountinis piss me off more than anything. if douchebaggery is all about the facade of cultural spectacle, then this guy has no facade but 200% as much skewerableness as any other contestant in this monthly. Mountinis FTW.

6:20 pm August, 9 Sir David Douchenborough said...

Well, this is going to go against my other choices, but I must explain why I have come to my conclusions.

My criteria for choosing the Bag of the Month is borrowed and informed a lot from Biology. More specifically, a lot of what we see here can be explained what we learn from the world of sexual selection. The key thing here is that one of the great ironies of sexual selection is that given the correct selection pressure by the females, males can, through positive feedback, continue to adapt behaviours and traits that would compromise their own exclusive survival. In fact, whatever the trait may be is immaterial, as soon as females deem it worthy, it becomes attractive. In other words, it is just as much as the female as the male who contribute to this.

This phenomenon is generally termed “runaway selection,” but since we are dealing with the world of douchebags, I shall modify it and describe the “Run-audiger selection.” Simply put, the douchebag continuously adopts more empty and absurd behaviours and physical traits that, in the process of appearing to be an appealing man, continue to undercuts their legitimacy as a masculine man holding the potential for future success in society ( metro-sexuality, for example, was a precursor to the rise of douchebaggery as it sought to convince males, paradoxically, that adopting a more emasculate aesthetic would, in fact, increase their masculine appeal). When we see the contradictions reach a level so absurd that it even unearths the latent bleethiness of the Hott, then you know you have a pairing that should be served as a paradigm for further measure.

So, with the above rationale I shall go through the list:

Smuggler: His signs were, as I said before, subtle, but mostly naively executed as I think adopting the eurobag tighty trunks was probably a suggestion by Olivier–the sexually ambiguous French philosophy exchange student with whom he swims on their intramural water polo team– while they were in Smuggler’s frat pad bed ‘discussing’ their frustrations with women. I am sure Olivier also convinced his petit passeur that all that exercise from yanking and grabbing men in speedoes was enough for the abs and reveal them to impress Valencia. All in all, there isn’t enough to suggest that his has really gone the full Voltaire with respect to adopting highly self-detrimental bag traits. He is still at level 1, bien sur .

Baggle Axe: It is evident the douchosity was motivated by asking the question of what Ed Hardy’s attempt at bringing his own “re-imagining” of Conan The Barbarian would be. Some indicators are there: GSR, No shirt, sunglasses indoors, no smile, tight leather pants, trying to show off his manhood, and more wax and oil than a lamp and candle factory.

The annoying thing is that it is all coordinated as if though this ‘struggling actor/model” was wearing this for a job he does at one of the second tier casinos in Vegas. it doesn’t appear to me that he is adopting it just out of genuine belief that this would rake in the Hotts if he just showed up at a club like that. I am guessing he came to Vegas with hopes of being hot shot only to have to live with an on and off again stripper girlfriend who will help pay off his roid debt to the kingpin who owns his girlfriend’s strip club. He must undertake a lot of unsavoury activities to keep his payments from falling behind, and dressing up like his childhood icon, Ah-nold from Conan is his only means of escape while getting paid to do it.

Jebus: Hipster and/or Eurobags would automatically catapult them in contention. Unlike roidbags, these people embrace and enhance their insecurities and flaws, mixing them with empty cultural and aesthetic forms as a way to ironically suggest that they have ‘character’ that would expect the Hott to overlook their heroin addiction and the fact that they would wheeze if asked to move a potted plant across the room. While Jebus’ baggery is pathetic enough to make the Canaanites feel sorry for him, his other pictures suggests a gay eurobaggery. While that should usually get my vote, the problem is that he doesn’t go full tilt. It is almost as if though the Hott wanted a token Dorothy just without the rest of Oz but all of Willamsburg instead. So, the semi aware, Jebus was a perfect fit: He is certainly not trying to reel in the Hott, and as a quasi gay eurobag, his coked out skinny body is enough to reel in his own sugar daddies. I wouldn’t be surprised if both of them fought over some of them.

Which, by elimination, brings me too:

Moutinis and Kimberly: Descendants of The Loyalists would accuse me of typical ‘continentalist” or colonial mentality by going after my own, but I cannot, under good judgement, avoid voting for them.

All of the signature signs are there: Wax/GSR, horrible tatts, white belt, torn jeans, bug eyed sunglasses. However, that is not what elevates them to the top. No, it has to be BOTH the appletinis and giving the finger, as if though after all the absurd and completely unoriginal and effete accoutrements, that because they are showing some ‘attitude’ to the camera, we can cast away all doubt about their cognitive faculties, much less whether or not these three would, when no one was looking, furtively go into the bushes and play hide the hockey stick.

And for the man on the far right who thinks adopting a similar haircut from Star Trek The Next Generation would be a surefire way of getting the hotts, he might be revealing that he really has an androgynous fetish, but tries to conceal it by making us, along with this group of choads, believe that all these traits are the paragon of the modern man. In truth, he probably runs home and oggles pictures of Jeffree Star.

No, as much as it shames me, the Moutinis, with their Hindenmoobs, represent the best example of “Run-audiger selection” in that all of their features demonstrably reveal that they are so disconnected with the actual consequences of their bag traits that they genuinely believe that this somehow enhances their standing and competitive advantage. Kimberly, by extension, is a Bleeth in disguise for finding that this extreme form of vacuous, post-modern aesthetic is somehow indicative of some masculine superiority totally ignoring the fact that should her choads piss off the guys of any bar along the Trans Canada, they would probably run crying back into their modded Honda Civics and drive away without her.

It is my countrybags that I must select, and sorry for the length, but I like to be thorough on these, since it is for the month.

6:38 pm August, 9 Snoop Douchey Douche said...

Jebus the false god … and then crucify him, cruficy him.
And if he comes back three days later, sever his head and punt it into the Red Sea.

7:42 pm August, 9 doucheywallnuts said...

Baggle Axe FTW. Jeebus surely is frightening, However, if you saw Jeebus’s picture on another web site you wouldn’t – at least I wouldn’t – think that he was an overt douchebag. Freak, hermaphrodite, creeper, necrophiliac, coprophiliac, YES. Douchebag, No.
On the other hand, if Baggle’s picture appeared on any other site on the Internet the only caption that could possibly accompany the photo would include the words “hot chicks with douchebag.”

7:44 pm August, 9 Scooby Douche said...

As a Christian I am deeply offended by the mere existence of Jebus. But I cannot vote for him. He is just creepy and weird, but does not manifest the signifiers as set forth in the manual. Don’t you read the manual? No stupid tats, no bling (and why no “Jesus bling”?), no mandanas, no kissy face, etc. Just stupid face, the same stupid dazed look in every picture that screams out “I destroyed 95% of my brain using various chemical mixtures before the 11th grade!” And where are the hotts? Aren’t there supposed to be some hotts? Isn’t it “Hott Chicks with Douchebags”? The other “humans(?)” in the photos may not even be female. Not sure yet.

Valencia? C’mon! Double-bag face and no boobs. OK, semi-nice legs, and spankable ass, but that is not enough to call her hott. Yeah after a couple of beers a quick poke would be accptable. And Smugger is low minor-league douche, not close to being ready for The Show. More just dickhead than official douche.

The Mountinis are only 1/3rd douche. Big turnoff is Ugly Ass Chubby Blonde. This is the last girl at the frat party to get “picked”, if you know what I mean. No thanks.

Gotta be the Marissa sisters: pure, clean, unspoiled, wholesome, lovely, virtuous, virgin Marissa sisters. This is why we mock, to save these from the douche. And ‘Baggle, while clearly doing it for the money, is a douche even off the clock. His douchiness does not stop when he clocks out. He just heads to a different bar where he spreads the Grieco virus like an unknowing “Patient Zero”.

‘ Bagger FTW, and then off with his head.

7:51 pm August, 9 douchesquire said...

Jebus and Mary Stain ftw. I want to hit him in the face with an axe.

9:11 pm August, 9 massengill said...

‘Baggle Axe FTW

9:14 pm August, 9 anon-1214 said...

In an epic baggle…I mean…battle between Jebus and and the douche vikings, I think baggle has the upper hand. Baggle for the month.

10:17 pm August, 9 Rumpelscroteskin said...

To be really blunt, Baggle Axe bears a strong resemblance to the infamous Purdue Boilermaker Pete, gone ROTC douche with the black leather pants and shiny gold helmet. Someone should take Pete’s sledgehammer to the entire ensemble, but spare the lovely ladies. Or better yet, just feed them all to the Nittany Lions, Wildcats, Wolverines, and Badgers while doing an Illini whoop, then shoving the remains down a Gopher hole stuffed with Cornhusks and Buckeyes by Spartans who just devoured forty Hoosiers caught in the talons of hackneyed Hawkeyed buzzards at the final buzzer.

3:51 am August, 10 flower sydney australia said...

are you for real man…

4:57 am August, 10 Anonymous said...

I am sticking with The Mountinis and Kimberly since he brings it all and “caps” it with that stupid-ass hair arrangement.

5:06 am August, 10 G said...

Jebus FTW….no time to mock, but hopefully Jebus will grace us with his presence down the road.

5:14 am August, 10 Douche Equis said...

Smugger has insufficient game.

Jebus is funny but not douchey.

That leaves me two choices.

One has a douche and three hotts.

The other has three douches and ONE hott.

Which do you think I’m going to pick? HC comes before DB, after all . . .

Baggle Axe and the Marissas FTW!

6:59 am August, 10 MajorWoody said...

Jebus is the most punchworthy scrote I have ever seen on this site…the Marissa sisters are the hottest hotts…but I think that little weasel Smugger might sneak in for another upset win. If you just break it down to the basics, that picture is the epitome of a hot chick with a douchebag…in its purest form. Smugger FTW.

11:17 am August, 10 Army of Douche-ness said...

The Mountinis and Kimberly

12:14 pm August, 10 anonymous said...

Jeebus. It’s not even a competition this month.

2:01 pm August, 10 Bob Mcadouche said...

Jebus. If god sent this douche to die for our sins, then ill take purgatory instead.

8:59 pm August, 10 Paul Muad'douche, the Kwisatz Scroterach said...

In the end, I want to gnaw on Valencia’s luscious thighs, and set fire to Smugger the most of all potential groupings. Ab reveal is douchey when there’s actual abs in the house. When the revealer has no abs, it’s a blight.

Smugger and Valencia for the Monthly, and the chance to be destroyed by Stackhouse.

11:16 pm August, 10 Douche Springsteen said...

Kimberly is bubbly blond effervescence surrounded by a triumvirate of choad while Baggle Axe is the negative image of that: a greased up GSR-er among a trio of girl next door hotness. However, the duality of those images still can not compare to the unholy union of Jebus & Mary. This guy would slip a roofie into your drink no matter what gender you are. As for Mary, no amount of Catholic guilt would keep me from preaching a sermon on her mount, if you know what I mean. And if you know what I mean, please let me know, because I sure as hell don’t.

3:37 am August, 11 Colossus of Choads said...

Jebus.
The eyes are the window to the choad.

6:35 am August, 11 The 'Bag Piper fae Edinburgh said...

Wot no Tang & Shoshanna?

Let us then all praise the suckle thighs, denim pear and the saucy little “You’re going to need an eight-week course of antibiotics after one night with me” grin of Valencia.

And the Smugger is archetypal choad, ticking almost every box.

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