Monday, August 2, 2010

HCwDB of the Week

Our last Weekly before the next Monthly, today’s vote focuses on some of the more herpalicious combos we’ve featured in awhile. But lest your humble narrator rambles, lets get to your choices:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Mandanna Morrie and Vanessa

As discussed previously, Mandanna Morrie is less than the sum of his adouchetrements.

Deep down you just know Morrie’s so determined to score some quality South Beach Miami poonsaki while still living off an allowance from his father, Attorney Jack McFatherson, that he’s willing to go “The Full Douche.”

But that does not mean we forgive.

He who dresses the ‘bag contributes to the circulation of cultural meaning that spreads the virus like a smear uponst a bagel.

And for that, we must mock. Chin pube, bling, ridiculous hair and a Buick logo on his shirt. The Baby Jesus spittled.

Vanessa is all that is ambiguously paid to pose. She is tasteful, gum snappy and sweeter than you’d think. And her fantastically firm breasteses promise a field of frolicking clerics and fornicating elves. Not with each other. That would be sick. Even in Advanced D&D.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Smugger John and Valencia

The opposite end of the spectrum from Mandanna Morrie, Smuggers appeared in our Friday Thoughts and Links, but after staring at that mug over the weekend I’ve determined that this preening pudster has “douche aura” in disproportionate ratio to his actual signifiers.

As such, he is all that we fight against. He is pure punch crud.

Valencia shakes her booty with the soft eroticism of dancing hawkpie bluebirds who search fields of crow for shorn during the harvest season.

I have no idea what that means.

But I know I would gnaw uponst her pear, while denying Smugger John his application for a 100th week of unemployment insurance.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Tattpocalypse Tad and Glazed Gayle

Appearing first in last week’s important discussion on Freud’s Douchedom and Tattoo, Tattpocalypse Tad and Gayle would normally be a shoe-in for a Weekly, especially in light of their ultra-douchey doggie ‘baggin’ pic #2.

With all the scrotal signifiers in force, not to mention Ubiquitous Red Cup in pic #2, this should be a crotch-dunk.

So what’s holding this pic back?

Gayle. Her glazed “guidette” detracts significantly from hottie/douchey dialectics.

That being said, Gayle is certainly an attractive young thing on some primal genetic level at least, and Tad is uberdouche on so many levels, a small woodland creature just punched Bambi in the nads. Hell, the chin fung alone just caused a Daoist Monk to urinate on a scroll.

But is their cohabit enough to win the Weekly?

(Dis)honorable mention to Superlobe, whom many argued just felt too secure in his punkitude to really mock as a preening douchewank (despite his hott sister), the Caption This Pic atrocity of Lake Herpasaurus, the simply too happy to be there Scrawnster McFung, and of course to Brodie the Poet, who while a pretty harmless ‘bag, at least gave us some quality spelling errors to enjoy.

Also I forgot to mention in Friday’s Links that despite some dissent, Elizabeth has been elected to our fabled “Hall of Hott.” For those who dispute her overall game, I’d remind them that perfection in one area (perfection of body) is often enough in any Hall. Think Wade Boggs (OBP), John Stockton (passing) or Ron Jeremy (penis).

Please welcome Elizabeth to the Hall. And by welcome, I mean fondle.

And vote now, as always, in the comments thread.

EDIT: Apologies for the late publish, WordPress autopublish ain’t workin’ this mornin’.

# posted by douchebag1
7:44 am August, 2 Colossus of Choads said...

Tad FTW.

Anyone who wears shades inside needs rinsing out.

Even Corey Hart.

7:53 am August, 2 bigphatnotadouche said...

This week my vote goes to Smuggler and Val.

Those boots are made for walking. I love the daisy dukes on the Hott and would love to suckle her thighs.

The douche is a Florida/Alabama trailer trash scote with duck face and ab reveal.

In final Hott chicks with Douches is the reason I mock and the mock is strong with Smuggler.

7:55 am August, 2 Eliza Douchecoo said...

For me it’s coming down betwixt the two mandanna wearin’ bagholes. On one hand Morrie has the big beads and stupid hair, but something tells me he’s probably fun to hang out with and not really a big douche. Tad’s ant trail chin pubes are what’s pissin’ me off this morning. And there’s a damn UFO in the picture over Lake Scrote that they aren’t even looking at! The yellowness for the win.

8:15 am August, 2 Douche Springsteen said...

As I’m already feeling a “tad” sick to my stomach this morning, I’m voting Tad for the weekly. Is this the 2nd time a DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR stomach tatt has come up this year? Remember the old guy in the leather speedo from awhile back? Anyway, these girls all look a little bleethed so Tad wins just because he’s the biggest douche. He can’t get his chin fung sculpted straight, but even that combined with the excessive flood of ink isn’t enough to clinch the victory. No friends, it’s the White Man’s Overbite while doggie baggin’ that does it this week. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to crawl back into bed with a bottle of bourbon.

8:21 am August, 2 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Smugger John and Valencia FTW.

This guy sucks ass. Nice ab reveal, just one thing though, you forgot the abs.

8:23 am August, 2 End the Haberdouchery said...

I vote for Smugger John and Valencia. For his cocky look and ab reveal he deserves to get purposely puked on at a Phillies game. For her come hither eyes and come on me booty, Valencia is head and ass pear above the rest this week. Gayle and her burlap sack need to take notes.

8:30 am August, 2 Anonymous said...

Tad and Gayle. For he exhibits a level of douche that cannot be matched and she is orange. And that friends, screams ‘victory.” That, and “herpes.”

8:51 am August, 2 melvil duchi said...

Tad and Gayle

Tad for all the reasons given and I think he convinced Gayle that burnt sienna is her color

I will add that Valencia’s oranges need squeezing

9:03 am August, 2 the douche is alright said...

I gotta vote for Vanessa and whatever else may be in that picture

9:32 am August, 2 Crucial Head said...

I boobs gotta boobs give boobs my boobs vote boobs to boobs Morrie boob and boobs Vanessa boobs this boobs week boobies.

9:33 am August, 2 Et Tu Douche? said...

I’m going with the “Hott Chick” quotient this week to determine my vote. There is nothing Hott about Glazed Gayle and Vanessa while Hott can’t compete with Valencia and her daisy dukes, luscious thighs and those cowboy boots. Smuggler John is Douche enough and his coupling with Vanessa get’s my vote.

.

Tad is a wreck and Morrie is a joke

9:33 am August, 2 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Smugger John brings one-pack ab reveal, too small to wear in public manpris, and powder blue swim trunks. Wow. Normally all that would get you is a coupon for a free six inch sandwich when you buy another sandwich of equal or greater value. But toss in the pursed lip glare, aviator goggles, and the suspender printed tee and Smugger just might get that six incher for free. and by six incher I mean a manwich ‘cuz it’s more than a meal.

.

What seals the deal though is the neck tat. Other douches can cover up their epic fails with shirts or sack cloth. But the only thing you can use to hide a neck tat is a stought, thick rope.

.

I got one in the trunk of my car if anyone wants to borrow it.

.

Valencia is ‘meh, but she’d go way up in my book if she’d put one of those boot’s deep into Smugger’s nadsack. If she used both boots she could be wife #4. Sister wife #2 wanted to let you know that Daisy Dukes make her “moist and all butterfly-ey”.

.

Smugger John for the win and a short ride/drag behind my Hyundai.

9:35 am August, 2 dbBen said...

Tattpocalypse

.

It’s like one of those mornings when you’re eating out of a vending machine. Absolutely nothing looks good. You know it’s all “bad” for you. And you end up choosing whatever looks like it’s going to most speed up the demise of your pathetic existence.

.

Tattpocalypse, you are the chinchilla defiled, dried out, “cheeze” and “cherri” danish in the vending machine of my life. Welcome to the monthly.

9:49 am August, 2 Dicy said...

I’ve got to go with Mandana Morrie and Vanessa because, well, boobs.

9:50 am August, 2 Professor 'Baglioni said...

It was close between the first two. Though Smugger Jon’s abless ab reveal is probably the douchiest move ever, his hott is somewhat lacking. Vanessa’s quality boobage (and Morrie’s ridiculous mandanna) definitely puts HCwDB coupling #1 over the top.

10:03 am August, 2 creature said...

Smugger & Morrie can shower (preferably at a high pressure truck wash), don some decent attire & move amongst unblighted folk. Tatt-douche is marked for life (unless he’s captured by renegade Apache & subjected to painful full body skin peel… I’m for it). He’ll be a douchey, inked up octagenarian! ‘Gayle’ is a skidmark of a hott… Tatt-Douche ftw

10:05 am August, 2 Vin Douchal said...

If Elizabeth is Hall of Hott then Francine’s lack of inclusion is criminal to the point that Elena Kagan will have to render her first huge decision for the Supreme Court on this case when I’ve exhaust the appeals process locally.

.

.

Douchebag, PUH-leez/i>

10:09 am August, 2 Vin Douchal said...

I hate smug. Smug makes you undeserving to be whatever you are smug about . As if this guy had anything to be smug about. Douchebag is about all we see here.

.

Smugger John and Valencia FTW and a flaming, over the cliff car accident

10:27 am August, 2 justadouchalo said...

I reluctantly throw my vote, and by vote I mean the trashcan I left next to my bed last night after a day-long bean burrito and cheap gin marathon, to Tad and Gayle. If we find out between now and the end of the voting period that either or both of them are just artfully arranged corpses the nod goes to the Smuggler and Valencia.

10:37 am August, 2 ehcuodouche said...

Morrie and Vanessa, by a landslide.

Gayle is so yellow she should be in a Simpsons cartoon. It’s not often that the Bleeth is so Bleethed that it makes the Douchebag look normal, but there you go.

Valencia is pretty bleethed out as well. She’s pretty, but her boobage is as prominent as her douchefellow’s abs, so no go this week.

Morrie and Vanessa win, first and foremost because the background crowd all look normal and this is not a P2P, costume party, or whatnot. Morrie is a true douche, with mandanna wristdanna, multicolor hawk, lip piercing, and blissful lack of self-awareness. Vanessa is a good looking almost milf with boobs. Wonderful boobage that looks really good crammed into its tight leather package.

10:45 am August, 2 Jaques Doucheteau said...

Disappointing. All stage-2 or less. I’m sitting this week out.

.

Chinstrap’s lame attempt at faking a chiseled jawline is pretty horrific on the other hand.

10:50 am August, 2 Douchey Smurf said...

Smugger John and Valencia. She’s the hotness and his situation is obviously love handles.

11:07 am August, 2 Wheezer said...

First off, congrats to Elizabeth for her well-earned inclusion into the Hall of Hott.

.

OK, now for the voting: this one is pretty easy.

I don’t want to see any more of any of the choads.

I don’t want to see any more of bleethy Gayle for obvious reasons, and by obvious, I mean orange.

If I want to see more of Vanessa (and I wouldn’t mind), I could just find that nightclub and pop in 3-4 nights/per week (even on Sunday that she, like, sooooo hates working). I would tip her well, too.

.

I do, however, definitely want to see more, much more, of Valencia. But I don’t know how easy that would be to make happen. Where does she live? Where does she work? Does she like puppies?

.

Ummmmm, OK, before this gets stalkerish (“before”?), I’m casting my vote for Smugger John and Valencia FTW. Smugger thinks his punchworthy douche face and flab reveal is what earned him a hott, though…..well, frankly, I can’t imagine what earned him a hott.

.

Am I going anywhere with this?

.

Anyway, Valencia is sultry and carries this coupling, though Smugger’s undie poke shows he hasn’t given up the Garanimals Book of Style. But I still want to see Valencia wearing nuthin’ but a G-thong.

11:09 am August, 2 Fyodor Dostedouchesky said...

Smugger John in a walkover for the loss. While there is a lot of support for Tad, the hott side of the equation is lacking (unless we’ve retitled the site “Bleeths with Douchebags” – DB1, consider the brand extension opportunities!). Dan Tanna (I mean Mandanna) doesn’t enrage me enough and his hott, while serviceable, looks a little weathered for my taste.

Speaking of tast(y), Valencia’s jean shorts… [insert inappropriate comment here].

11:10 am August, 2 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Smugger John and Valencia FTW, although the Valencia orange is in the Tad and Glazed Gayle photo, just sayin’. Valencia is curvy hot and ride’em cowgirl to Smugger John’s pout. Even a good whiplash wouldn’t make him right, but he might be convinced to remove all his clothing so someone would arrest him, instead of him giving us an eyeful of arrested development clothing style.

11:12 am August, 2 The 'Bag Piper fae Edinburgh said...

Smugger John and Valencia for the week, definitely. Denim Shorts Hott floats my boat any time.

But Elizabeth in Hall Of Hott? Seriously, DB1…. one word…..

SHOSHANNA!!!

SHOSHANNA!!!

SHOSHANNA!!!

SHOSHANNA!!!

SHOSHANNA!!!

SHOSHANNA!!!

SHOSHANNA!!!

SHOSHANNA!!!

SHOSHANNA!!!

SHOSHANNA!!!

SHOSHANNA!!!

SHOSHANNA!!!

SHOSHANNA!!!

SHOSHANNA!!!

SHOSHANNA!!!

SHOSHANNA!!!

SHOSHANNA!!!

SHOSHANNA!!!

SHOSHANNA!!!

11:12 am August, 2 Bagnonymous said...

Oh, Tattpocalypse Tad & Glazed Gayle for sure. But not so much for “HCwDB of the Week”–more like “Rank Skankitude and Choad-Nasty Ass Drippings of the Week”. With extra orange sauce.

.

PS. Vin D., thanks for the nummy pic of Francine. NOM NOM NOM!

11:12 am August, 2 Wheezer said...

In other news, I believe Dicy has been shortchanged in her role in bringin’ the fun to Athens – no mention?????

11:16 am August, 2 Blake said...

Tattpocalypse Tad and Glazed Gayle

11:19 am August, 2 Douchelips said...

I guess they can’t all be strong weeks….

.

I am going for the real-world hott/douche coupling of Smugger John and Valencia. Despite his lack of douchifiers the aura says it all. He a d-bag and Valencia’s boots are made for walkin’ (all over me!)

11:24 am August, 2 ElderDouch said...

I have to vote for #1: Mandanna Morrie and Vanessa.. Valencia does not come close to being as HOT as Varnessa and Gayle especally in the alternate pictues needs to be burned at the stake!!!

11:30 am August, 2 Scooby Douche said...

Too easy: Tad and Gayle FTW.

Tad is major-league douche, a first round draft pick in the lottery of douchedom. He works week after week on the loading dock at the WalMart distribution center to get enough money for hideous body tats. Cheap shades from the Dollar Tree, dumbass mandana, and stupid chin fuzz. All topped off by dumb smirk that says “I did too graduate from high school!”.

Gayle ain’t no Elizabeth, and certainly ain’t no Francine (I got your back on that Vin Douchal), she is poke-able. Once at least, maybe twice. Then jump off that whobag.

GET SOME!!!

Footnote: Nod of respect to Vanessa’s healthy natural boobs.

11:34 am August, 2 armydouche said...

Tad and Gayle. Gold is the new orange and the Bleeth runs deep in Gayle.

11:37 am August, 2 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Francine is getting screwed.

.

Now that I have your erection…Francine’s exclusion from the HOH makes [insert your congressman here] criminal shenanigans look like the pedestrian pranks of a fourth grader who’s step mom won’t give him his meds on a regular basis because she wants to get back at that bitch who keeps calling to ask when she can expect the child care money.

.

.

In the immortal words of Vin Douchal and all of us who worship at the boobs of this demure hottie, SPLORT! SPLURT! SPTOOOP!

11:39 am August, 2 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Posting images! Bwahahahahahahaha!

I’m gonna need a closet full of new khakis.

11:44 am August, 2 RAPETIME said...

Valencia has those nutcracker thighs that make my genitals quiver in both hope and fear.

Nice.

But she’s not earned my vote. I slowly scrolled down the page, checking out each couple, and at the bottom (a place so richly deserved for them both) was the mephitic coupling of Tad and Gayle. I screamed and clawed at my eyes, attempting to remove them, but it was too late. What has been seen cannot be unseen.

He is doughy and looks as though he’s been caught in the explosion of an IED full of ink. She looks like a flat-chested petri dish.

Together they are a slimy film of disease on the body of human society.

I am a poorer, sadder man for having seen them, and will not swerve to avoid any puppies on the way home.

11:47 am August, 2 Medusa Oblongata said...

Hm, though call. Sure, Tad and Gayle represent all that is Douche. But Gayle is a tangerine-skinned, soulless succubleeth and therefore I’m not too sad over her and Tad becoming a PSA for Hepatitis. That jaundice is a motherfucker. So it’s between Morrie and Smugger John. And while I prefer the bouncy goodness of a pillowy bosom over the curve of ass pear (so shoot me!) I’m gonna have to base this purely on douche. While the adouchtrements are many, Morrie simply lacks the scrotal aura of Smugger John. His arrogance veritably seeps from his every pore like his genital sores weep into those baby blue nut-huggers of his. Smugger John FTW, and if there is a Heaven, it would be my head resting on Valencia’s ass while I suckle upon the glorious mamms of Vanessa.

11:54 am August, 2 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Smugger John and Valencia FTW! Why? This guy is so ignorant HE’S IGNORING THE HOTT! You have to be a real fucckstick to pull that one off. He’s so ignorant that he doesn’t know that he has no abs! He’s so ignorant that he’s grabbing his own moob! Ignorance must be bliss because he looks happy as hell. What a moroon!

11:57 am August, 2 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Anybody in here not fwapped to at least one of Medusa’s postings?

[Sound of Crickets masturbating]

Didn’t think so. Carry on.

12:00 pm August, 2 Dicy said...

@Wheezer

I saw that today, it’s sadly a title most of the people I go to school with will be really proud to hold. Athens is a lot of fun and I cant wait to get back but the people are really annoying. Notice that the kid they quoted was only 20? I have to try really hard to avoid the obnoxious underage kids when I go downtown. Luckily there are a handful of awesome bars that don’t have sloppy underage drunks but then you have to deal with the type of hipsters that bring their kids to bars. It’s give and take. I usually go to the hipster bars but sometimes if my girl and I wanna dance, we have no choice to delve deep into the realms of the Douchepocalypse.

Did I mention I can’t wait to graduate? Hopefully the graduate school I attend won’t be more of the same. I’m in no rush to grow up but I don’t want to spend “the best years of my life” surrounded by people who chose their college based on this ranking. Don’t get my wrong I party pretty hard but I work pretty hard too, but when you’re 1 of 15 physics majors the majority of people you party alongside have coloring book assignments for homework.

Aiaiai, if you can’t tell I could rant all day about this but I’ll stop now. Don’t want to look too whiney!

12:18 pm August, 2 Et Tu Douche? said...

I forgot all about Francine and I have to concur with Vin D also the song was great!!!, as for Mr. Scrotato Heads comment about Medusa, mentally yes I have!!!

12:26 pm August, 2 smackdouche said...

I’ve always loved Star Trek. A vote for Tad and Gayle is a vote for the Orion Slave Girls.

12:36 pm August, 2 Captain Lame said...

Hmmm. Vanessa is 100% adorable hot. But Glazed is 100% crouching temptress, hidden libido hot… The douches are going to have to determine which way the scales will tip this week. This is a tough one.

Mandanna:

Morrie +2 (extra credit for cigarette mandanna combo), Tad +1.

Face Fung:

Morrie +1, Tad +1.

Sunglasses in the Dark:

Tad +1

Gaudy Douche Neck Bling:

Morrie +1

Douche Bag T-Shirt:

Morrie +1

Douche Bag Shirtless:

Tad +1

Sweatband:

Morrie +1

Excessive Tats:

Tad +1

Final: Morrie 6, Tad 5.

Aw hell. Tad FTW/FTL. Something inside me hates him more. Tad is smug in the presence of hot. Whilst Morrie looks like he would do anything just to get a chance at his waitress Vanessa’s soft, golden brown, fantastic, and buoyant fun bags. Therefore I gift the Tang Tad 5,000,000 extra points! The scale has been tilted!

What? This is my game, I can award however the hell many points I want…

12:45 pm August, 2 tall guy said...

Tattpocalypse Tad and Glazed Gayle by a whisker (chin pube, actually), although my vote should in no way detract from the repulsion I feel towards Smugger John or, indeed, the feel of stiff between my legs for the delectable suckle thighs of Valencia.

12:59 pm August, 2 Architeuthis Douche said...

If this website were Dazed and Confused, Tad would be O’Bannion (yeah, he’s kind of a joke OR I hate that guy), while Gayle would be Sabrina (you know, she’d probably be kind of cute if you cleaned all the shit off her).

1:01 pm August, 2 Ohio FJ said...

Tattpocalypse Tad and Glazed Gayle FTW – that was so easy it almost hurt.

1:09 pm August, 2 SonnyChibaChoad said...

I’m with Dicy…Mandanna Morrie and Vanessa FTW

1:17 pm August, 2 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

Smugger John and Valencia FTW, cause Smugglie’s showing off something that isn’t all that impressive. I had a stomach like that during my twenties, which I achieved by working out for approximately 5.39 seconds per month.

1:22 pm August, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I have to go with John Dice and Ms. Chi Rossis for the win. They listened to the Surgeon General about the UV rays, but were caught with Colonel Mustard in the parlor.

1:24 pm August, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

If the yellow couple entered the special olympics it would be in the heptathalon.

1:30 pm August, 2 Hootie McDouche said...

Tattpocalypse Tad and Glazed Gayle for the win.

Their oranginess sickens me more than botulism-infected chopped oysters in my baked beans.

1:31 pm August, 2 Bagwood said...

This is a tuff one Vanessa is the hottest Hott. On Tad & Gayle, he’s douchier than he knows, and she’s not as hott as she thinks; her upholstery is unflattering. For attitude, I vote Valencia and Smugger. Why is he pulling his shirt up when he has handles and no abs? He has the brains of an empty bottle of Summer’s Eve.

1:43 pm August, 2 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Tattpocalypse Tad FTW. And by win, I mean poo. A big, stinky duece.

1:44 pm August, 2 Dr. Joycelyn Elders said...

I think the kids should mastabate whenever they fuccking want honkeys. You masabate, I massaabate, I mastabate the President’s white ass cocck, the monkeys masserabate, Louis Farrakhan masterbates any coock he can succk. I vote for the yellow couple because the Japs mass debate more than all the homies in the world brotha. Sista out to get her fry on on and macabate.

1:47 pm August, 2 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

I can’t decide if I should nuke Dr. Elders’s comment or not…

2:36 pm August, 2 scrotum pole said...

Mandana Morrie’s smile caused me to drift away from this pair, but Vanessa’s pair reeled me right back in. In fact, the way she fills out that genuine cowhide vest could cause the president of PETA to run over a flock of baby ducks on his way to a steak house.

2:42 pm August, 2 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Mandanna Morie FTW. Poo poo and more poo this week. Morrie’s mandanna is more egregious than Tad’s, his bleeth is bleethier than Tad’s and he’s not shitfaced as Tad. The fat guy doing the ab/groin/gut reveal shouldn’t even be here and should be beaten with clubs as if he were a Muslim who committed adultery.

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/iranian-man-stoned-to-death-for-committing-adultery.html

3:43 pm August, 2 DarkSock said...

@ Scrotato: Let Dr. Elder’s post remain as a stark warning against imbibing Vodka before noon.

3:45 pm August, 2 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

I always try to keep in mind that the chick should be really hott,(like Vanessa) and the douchebag really douchey ( likeTad). She shouldn’t be Bleethed out and he should be too far gone for redemption.

However, humor and special exceptions pervade the choices we make.

But I’m still stickin’ with Valencia and Smugger John, for as a coupling, they do stand out in both form and balance:They tip the scales of injustice.

3:46 pm August, 2 DarkSock said...

Tad and Gayle are simply failures. Liver failures. I attitude towards them is admittedly jaundice.

.

Morrie and Vanessa bring it. and by “it” I mean

b( . )( . )bs.

But…Smugger John and Valencia FTW. Trailer trash? Yeah, I’ve fished outa that pond.

4:10 pm August, 2 Horace Dangleballs said...

Smugger John and Valencia.

Cowboy boots and Daisy Dukes? Put her wearing those into a Jeep Wrangler with its top down and I’d run over a gaggle of street-crossing pre-schoolers just for the chance for her to flick a cigarette butt at me. Smugger is totally irrelevant to the equation… but looking at him — he’s probably used to hearing that.

4:20 pm August, 2 C.G. said...

so-called Smugger John FTW …because i don’t know why he is even doing that pathetic reveal with the ‘kini-klad parking lot hairstylist (hip pouch). i’d call him Slacker John because he wants to be a douche so badly, but doesn’t exemplify the dedication of torso-only gym time or sitting down to formulate a wicked steroid cycle. add in the fact that Valencia is the only thing close to a true hott of the three.

4:34 pm August, 2 Anonymous said...

Gayle instantly ruins Tadd’s hard-fought entry (complete with receding hairline visible above mandanna). She makes my penis flap like a wet sock in the wind.

How do you compare the other two ‘bags? I don’t feel like one outshines the other. Apples and oranges. Two beta-level douches, one Miami-club style, the other some sort of sick ginger hawk-tard.

Valencia wins the day for Smugger John. Her look is genuine, unlike her obviously paid-to-pose competitor Vanessa. What’s more, she’s dressed like that in public, in broad daylight! Not on a boat, or at a beach or swimming pool, or even a backyard barbecue. They’re in the parking lot of the Lone Star Steakhouse they just got kicked out of.

“Sir, our rules are no shirt, no service. Now if you don’t wear it properly, I am going to have to ask you to leave.”

5:04 pm August, 2 One for the Choad said...

Tad is clearly the biggest piece of poo here, but that girl is just as vile as he is. Still, he’s the biggest douche, so he gets the vote.

Is it wrong that I’m starting to miss Smoot?

6:06 pm August, 2 Douches Wild said...

Another advertised banquet/bacchanal turns out to be meager gruel garnished with dessicated birdseed. Mandana Morrie is a marginal manque with a credible hott, Tad seems utterly chagrined by where he finds himself, a begrudging vote for Smuggie and his lukewarm companion. He has cluelessness in abundance but not the sufficient psychic voltage to elicit a chortle of disbelief from a normal sentient being. This was like choosing between Jimmy Carter and Gerald Ford.

6:12 pm August, 2 Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky said...

This week’s choice is particularly difficult; my instinct was to vote (obviously) for the Tattpocalypse, but I had to then consider what I was voting for – the HOT CHICK with the Douchebag, not the bleethed out Day-Glo chick with the Ass Clown.

Therefore, my vote goes to Mandana Morrie and Vanessa. Becuase not only is Vanessa delicious like a ripe Red Delicious (or Fuji) apple on a hot summer day, but Mandanas just look stupid.

Parenthetically, can we pause and comment on the rise of these “Silly Bandz”? After being around high schoolers for a week and a half, I feel that these are becoming a gateway to Douchedom.

7:25 pm August, 2 Troy Tempest said...

It’s like this:

TattTad and Gayle? who’s the douchenozzle? I can’t tell. They are both orange grease stains of unfathomable dullery. For that reason, I can’t say Gayle is “hott”. However, I urge management to make note of these two to be entered for a special award come the annual.

Mandanna Morrie is a leering shitheel who needs to be slapped. But he doesn’t make me want to cut kittens with a plasma torch.

On the other hand, Valencia is Really Not My Type. In fact she’s not that much less douchie than Smugger John. If Smugger had his filthy mitts on Vanessa, it would be a revolting sight worthy of a monthly. But, sadly that is not my choice. So, as I find Vanessa’s sweet smile and awesome rack much more to my liking, I am going with Mandanna Morrie.

7:58 pm August, 2 Baron Von Goolo said...

The way that Tad is grabbing Gayle by the back of the neck and stuffing her into that burlap sack gets him an automatic nottadouche pass from me. In fact, if you bring her to the servant’s entrance there’s an extra twenty in it for you.

.

Smuggers and Valencia FTW. The tire fire in my back 40 has been going for three and a half years and even that hot trash has nothing on Valencia. Plus, Smugger’s smug puss leapfrogs punchworthy: that’s the kind of puss that makes you want to bury him up to his chin and dust off the lawn darts. Plus, the ab reveal is a privilege, not a right. He’s no monthly but pushed ahead by dirty, dirty Valencia, he works in a Weekly for me.

9:31 pm August, 2 Baleen said...

Tad FTW because he is the color of my shit after eating half a box of Capn’ Crunch at 3:30 am. Other than that, I got nuthin.

9:57 pm August, 2 Anthony LaBaglia said...

I want Valencia to squeeze my lemon, ’til the juice runs down my leg. I want to fuck her in the ass until she shits meringue. Suddenly, I’m hungry.

Valencia and some inconsequential tool FTW.

4:06 am August, 3 Douche Equis said...

Tad and Gayle are the only ones who should even be _in_ this weekly, and therefore are the winners. Smugger is weak, and if not for the mandanna Morrie would be just another dishwasher.

5:04 am August, 3 Steve L. said...

Tad and Gayle is like a Sunday Guido video. mock-worthy, but ultimately lacking in hotness of weekly caliber. so while i should be voting for Tad and Gayle in theory, i must vote for Smugger and Valencia instead. because of Smugger’s underwear reveal. or something.

6:05 am August, 3 Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamscote said...

Wearing sun glasses while driving a boat in the middle of the night and a mandana to cover a receeding hairline. Give it up bra. Tad FTW.

7:18 am August, 3 Bag Margera said...

Tadpocalypse does for ranch dressing, what fake-tan guidos do for zesty cheese. Tad for the win.

7:19 am August, 3 mr.reeve said...

Smugger John and Valencia FTW. That is one hell of a booty on Valencia and Smugger is one hell of tool. Showing FGSR is a new one. By the way the F stands for flabby.

7:20 am August, 3 Bag Margera said...

^and by does and do, I’m mean throwing up chunks of doritos.

7:36 am August, 3 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

Gotta be TT, Tattpocalypse Tad.

.

Morrie has the adouchrements (and gets the LDLR (Learning Disability Leniency Rule)), John has the douche aura, TT teams with both.

.

And Gayle probably needs a new coat of glaze; I’m just the man for the job.

.

TT FTW

8:12 am August, 3 Tony Ventresca said...

Chicks in jean shorts and cowboy boots will always win with me, and any man who will raise his shirt so show off his non-tight abbs in the parking lot of a shopping mall (fer crist’s sake) is a genuine douchebag. Therefore #2 for the win.

9:33 am August, 3 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

All three entries are first class Putzes, but Valencia’s out-of-this-world patootie drags the garden variety ‘bag Smugger John across the finish line first. Oh, and Glazed Gayle can compete with the ‘Bags this year for “Orangest Orange!” Ugh..

1:56 pm August, 3 Sir David Douchenborough said...

Tad looks like he decided to get an illustrative novel of Tolkien on his body done by a meth head. I was going to with the Tad because of that monstrosity, but Gayle is just too bleethy. Choady Tad crawled out of the scrote shire and tried to pick up a elven vixen who fell into the deep tanning beds of Mordor.

No, no, it is Smuggler John only because the woman is actually a hott. But, there are some subtle signifiers at play here. It appears that Smuggler John was looking for a way to impress this lady, so he decided to become the abandoned child of Mika and La Roux by adding some manpris and his eurobag tighty shorts, hoping that the hott would follow his flabby rolling hills of abs to his groan shave. Of course, to balance off this effete eurobaggery, he had to go with the aviators and the tough t-shirt. All of this coordination to avoid attention to the fact that the extent at which he probably developed his ‘abs” were probably when his frat bags were ‘having fun” while he was drunk on his back in that one forgetful night of hazing.

2:24 pm August, 3 SenatorDouche said...

Count one more vote for Smugger John.

3:13 pm August, 3 Douche Boyardee's Cheese and Bagaroni said...

Tattpocalypse Tad

The other two are weekend douches, That smug Funky Twat Waffle has made it a career. That gives Double T a double FTW. Unfortunately, Gayle is taking the brunt of the punishment for us all.

6:09 pm August, 3 Abdouchah the Butcher said...

I think its all about Tad this week. To re-cap what I said before: “The guy in this pic is a fabulous ‘bag! Prime inhuman orange skin tone, quality ant-trail facial hair fail, mandana, shades in a dark bar… This is a superb example of how to be a vomit stain. And his bleeth is sorta greenish. It don’t get no better than that.” Upon further consideration, Tad makes me want to bazooka-shit all over a carefully arranged display of marshmallow Peeps.

6:36 pm August, 3 Douche Dastardly said...

Hmm. The douche are all present and accounted for and I would give my vote to Tad, but there is something about Gayle with those dead eyes and sheen on her skin that makes me think of the movie House of Wax. Either the Vincent Price original or the Elisha Cuthbert crap remake…ooh I haven’t thought of her in awhile.

Just a minute….

6:44 pm August, 3 Douche Dastardly said...

Ahh. Right so I have to disqualify Tad which leaves me with Vanessa and Valencia.

While Valencia and her ass make a strong case for another be right back. I am always skeptical of the over the shoulder shot which can turn ordinary into hot.

I would need more evidence to support the hotness. So my vote is for Vanessa and her boobs and whichever dried up jizz stain she was with? Was fit Morrie. Wait. Yup. It’s Morrie…crapbag

10:33 pm August, 3 Mr. Biggs said...

Gotta go with Tadpocalypse. His douchey tattoos scream in a week when all other contenders murmur.

10:34 pm August, 3 Mr. Biggs said...

And I must concur. Francines exclusion from HoH while Elizabeth (?) makes it in is criminal negligence.

3:55 pm August, 10 Lovekraft said...

Has anyone pondered how children will react to the Tattpocalypse? Will they run in fear or cower before its orange glow?

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