Thursday, August 26, 2010

Hipsterwank Henry

I had thought 2010 would be the year of the Hipsterbag.

Strangely (and awfully), it’s been more a series of garish trends of Groin Shave Reveal, the wake of Jersey Shore spectacle coated with attempts of irony, rather than alternative Hipsterdouche.

But it’s only August.

A few more like Hipsterpud Henry and rose tattoo fungus necks while hitting on tasty treats like Nicole, and things may turn out different when we sum up the year at the 2010 Douchie Awards.

Mmmm…. Nicole… I would rub only the finest breadcake puddings upon your pleasingly curvy and plump figure, and then cry in therapy about my guinea pig that never loved me.

# posted by douchebag1
7:16 am August, 26 Wheezer said...

Boobies!
.
.
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Since when did Dave Grohl start up the ironically named Poo Fighters?

7:17 am August, 26 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

His right knuckles say “LIFE”.

7:18 am August, 26 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

She needs to be deflowered with my hogleg. He needs to be deflowered with a roto-tiller.

7:22 am August, 26 Eliza Douchecoo said...

Hope he likes working at K-Mart with a tattoo on his throat like that. With the tattoo “hope” on one hand and “less” on the other, it seems awfully fitting. It may be a birthmark rather than a tattoo.

7:24 am August, 26 Wheezer said...

Scrotato and Eliza have begun today’s game: “What’s On Dave Grohl’s Left Right Hand?”
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My vote is for “DICK”…..on his fingers…..
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.
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Ummmmm…..
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Man, there is just no way that sounds right.

7:25 am August, 26 Wheezer said...

And I can’t self-edit worth dick. Let’s try that again:
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“What’s On Dave Grohl’s Right Hand?”
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Ahhhhh, better!
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.
.
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“JOB”

7:26 am August, 26 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Wheezer^
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Dave’s more in-your-face than that. It actually says “COCK”.

7:29 am August, 26 Wheezer said...

“CASH”

7:29 am August, 26 Vin Douchal said...

He’s got double whammy action, hairy AND greasy. A wheat grass enima may help with that shiny neck tatt, Hank.
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She, too, has double whammy action. They’re called boobies

7:30 am August, 26 Wheezer said...

“WRTH”

7:30 am August, 26 Wheezer said...

“NUT”

7:32 am August, 26 Eliza Douchecoo said...

Hopefully he never goes to prison, all those rose tattoos don’t exactly shout “I’m a badass”.

7:33 am August, 26 Eliza Douchecoo said...

“HOME”

7:36 am August, 26 Vin Douchal said...

Although she’ll never replace the exotic Vera Jimenez for my big crush , Ch 2 morning news has replaced her with a hot new traffic reporter, Whitney Drolan.
.

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If you like skinny blondes with big boobs.
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Nice YouTube page: Here

7:37 am August, 26 DarkSock said...

He needs to get some penicillin on that trach hole; it looks a little infected.
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At least shock it with some bleach.

7:39 am August, 26 DarkSock said...

She looks funner than a mountain bike made out of shaved vaginas. But she needs to be shocked with bleach first, also.

7:45 am August, 26 DarkSock said...

Ugoff Glasses = AutoDouche; no exceptions.
asdf

7:53 am August, 26 Wheezer said...

Vin, I think you need to become program director over at The Weather Channel. If you do, being Mayte with you:
.

7:54 am August, 26 Wheezer said...

Damn it, I knew that wouldn’t work:
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7:58 am August, 26 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

He’s got “BRAIN” on his right hand.
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I’ve never understood piercings of other than the ears. But that’s just me. I do however wish that club owners who want to “clean up” their clientele install very large electromagnets (similar to those found in junkyards) on their ceilings. It would certainly make things more interesting.
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Scene: A “trendy” club called Xorcist or something else lame
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Douche and hott walk up and get in line. Minutes later they get up to the front of it.
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Bouncer: “I.D.s please”
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Douche and hott comply.
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Bouncer (to his friend just inside): “Hey Matt, send these two right to the “V.I.P. staging area”. (Gives Matt a wink)
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Douche and hott follow Matt inside where they are lead to a taped off area just adjacent to the bar.
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With a mere flick of the wrist, douche and hott are hurtled upwards toward they ceiling followed by a satisfying *thud*.
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After several more examples of this, the magnet gets crowded and douches and hotts start to rain from the ceiling. Very few survive the 35 foot fall.
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Cut to bouncers “liberating” cash from douches and bleeths before sweeping the hideous pile of broken limbs, entrails, assorted piercings, 6 lb watches, fake dogs tags, bling, and the odd tattoo glistening on the floor into plastic trash bags that are then thrown in the dumpster and set afire.
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The End. (C) HoneyDouche Productions.

8:01 am August, 26 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Maybe his right hand has “CLUE” on it.

8:07 am August, 26 mr.reeve said...

Why does this chode stain have the same rose tattoo on his neck and hand? Maybe he couldn’t see his neck when he got the hand rose. Hipsterpud.

8:10 am August, 26 mr.reeve said...

@Vin,
Vera Jimenez & Whitney Drolan, either way we all win.

8:12 am August, 26 mr.reeve said...

Dizzie, I sure hope you were trying to be funny, G!

8:12 am August, 26 Eliza Douchecoo said...

@Dizzie
I don’t think it’s freestylin’ if you’re typing on a keyboard, I think it’s just still called typing…that’s gangsta.

8:20 am August, 26 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

The light drained slowly from Charles Kane’s eyes. His withered body barely make an impression in the ornate four-poster bed. His hands, crippled by age, could no longer clutch his most treasured possession; a bright purple studded jelly dong. As his life finally left him, the jelly dong slipped from his grasp, rebounding several times off the floor, it’s 10 inch length joinging back and forth in a rubbery spasm. And with his last breath Kane gasped out what would forever remain a mystery to those in attendance…”Rosepud”.

8:22 am August, 26 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

I say I say SHADDAP!

8:25 am August, 26 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Fuck off Dizzie. This hipsterbag and his feral sister can both suck the paint off a fire hydrant. Which is almost the size of my cocck on the rare occasion that I am not falling down drunk by noon. I don’t mean he can succk my fire hydrant…Fuc ck it I’m going to bed.

8:28 am August, 26 Taint Nuthin But A G-Thang said...

I dare anyone here to eat an entire box of lucky charms, then do ten assorted shots of random Schnapps (apple, cherry, etc). The more colors the better. Then, as your body violently pukes up the colorful mess a few minutes later, take a picture of your puke. I’ll bet you your puke looks better than this chode’s neck tat. Pure douche.

8:40 am August, 26 Battlescrote Galactica said...

Speaking of the Jersey Shore, “The Situation” stands to bank $5mil this year… Check it: http://www.seattlepi.com/tvguide/425566_tvgif23.html

8:40 am August, 26 douchebag1 said...

Dizzie is gone. Gotta love WordPress.
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– management

8:52 am August, 26 Mr. White said...

Neck tatts: When you want to say, “I’ve given up on life before it’s even really begun.”
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She looks like a poor man’s Tara Reid. Fun for a little while, but I suspect she’s going to age as well as TR 1.0.

8:54 am August, 26 Deltus said...

I can barely notice Henry in this picture, which is saying a LOT because he sure is going for the spectacle, isn’t he?
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No, all my attention is on Nicole. It’s the likes of her that I find most irresistible. Curvy and gorgeous. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her. And she knows it, and tortures me with it. And it only makes me want her more.

8:55 am August, 26 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Dr. HoneyDouche…

It actually says “BAIN” because, well, he only has 4 fingers and wasn’t smart enough to realize he forgot the “R”

9:13 am August, 26 DarkSock said...

@ Dr. HoneyDouche 7:58 – Great work; although I was secretly hoping for a meat Zamboni at the end.

9:37 am August, 26 Medusa Oblongata said...

Seeing as how Hipsters are all into irony, I love the irony that these pudwacks are all into eschewing what’s mainstream, thumbing their noses at wealth and beauty, yet they’re always trying to get with very mainstream, tanned baguette kinda chicks. I guess they have no other chance, seeing as they’re skinny and unemployed, they gotta play up the “bad boy” angle and hope that works.

9:43 am August, 26 Bag Margera said...

From up close it looks like a rose, I’m sure. But from our perspective it looks like a giant gaping neck wound. Neck tatt people don’t really think about that kind of stuff do they?

10:15 am August, 26 Baleen said...

Being Texan, I will always love Austin for the great city that it is but come springtime and the clusterfuck that is the South by Southwest music fest, the Hipsterbags migtrate to this mecca of musical circle jerk and nappy beard/skinny jeans convention only to clog the entire city with B.O. and irony. Don’t get me wrong, some of the greatest musical acts convene there, but the sheer numbers are staggering especially if you consider all of the fratbags and hippies that already live there and attend UT.
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In short, SXSW is a bag hunters paradise if only two-by-fours and little league bats were allowed. A hazmat suit would help too.

10:20 am August, 26 Fatness said...

@ Battlescrote Galactica, 8:40 am August, 26:
.
And he’ll blow it all on bottle service, exotic car rentals, Viagra and antibiotics before the end of next year.

Nicole looks tasty, but also looks like she can’t remember where she lives or how old she is.
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HH looks like something I saw pressed into the pavement on I-94 this morning.

12:14 pm August, 26 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Darksock
.
Why thank you kind sir. My little ditty will never live up to the genius that is “I peed in a horse once” (it just works on so many levels. Peed in a horse. Why a horse? Once?! What else have you peed in? No no, can’t get image out of mind! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!). I was running out of time or else I think I might’ve had a giant garbage disposal appear underneath the floor (or something along those lines).

6:46 pm August, 26 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Either that’a beret and eyeglasses reminiscent of Yves St Laurent, or he’s Roman de la Rose brought to life, er, death.

6:48 pm August, 26 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Why do I get the uneasy feeling that Henri attends Orthodox Temple every Friday evening, then splits to the Village to pick up a shiksa?

6:55 pm August, 26 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Whoever or whatever Dizzie was, thank WordPress for getting it right, because apparently Dizzie was way wrong.

9:20 pm August, 26 Didjeridouche said...

One of the things I most look forward to in my old age is seeing over-tatted morons like Henry here when they hit their 40’s & 50’s, balding, their tattoos rendered even more indistinguishable by age, sullenly pushing mops & scrubbing toilets & wondering what the hell happened…

10:02 pm August, 26 Steve L. said...

who says a hipsterbag can’t be douchier than an orangified bleeth? Henry would beg to differ.

12:44 am August, 28 Webalot said...

I think Nicole has had enough breadcake pudding!!

12:49 am August, 28 Webalot said...

here here Didijerdouche, here here.

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