Monday, August 2, 2010

Lake Crotchpuddle

As a big fan of lakes while growing up in New England, it pains me to posit this theorem. But posit it I must.

Fellow ‘bag hunters and huntresses, we can ignore this no longer. We must consider if there is a direct correlative between lakes and douchebaggery.

The evidence is as overwhelming as that water is viral.

# posted by douchebag1
3:32 pm August, 2 DarkSock said...

Where are they? Lake Pepsi?

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It looks like someone had a loose bowel movement in a toilet bowl filled with Mountain Dew.

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I see three large inflated plastic floaties in this photo…can you find them, kids?

3:33 pm August, 2 DarkSock said...

This picture reminds me of my boating incident. Except the boat in the photo was going roughly the freeway speed limit.

3:38 pm August, 2 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

I concur…we have a summer house on a chain of lakes and in the summer that place is a bag factory. Especially Chicago F.I.B bags. They are almost as putrid as the Jersey guidos.

3:41 pm August, 2 Vin Douchal said...

They are both lactating. His ruins his mesh tank tops, hers tastes like Lysol toilet bowl cleaner

3:42 pm August, 2 Mr. Biggs said...

It’s not water per se. It looks like a distinct recipe of freshwater lakes and gas powered motors that either attracts douchebaggery or corrupts the minds of ordinary partygoers into douchebagdom.

3:42 pm August, 2 Mr. Biggs said...

Therefore I propose a ban on freshwater motorboating.

3:43 pm August, 2 The Big LeBagski said...

Her right boob is doing the impression of enslaved African Cinque from “Amistad.”

– ” Give…us…free. Give us… free. Give us FREE!”

I say she should give them “free. ” And by that I mean every definition of free.

3:52 pm August, 2 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Send in the Marines!

3:53 pm August, 2 Crucial Head said...

Lakes are definitely douchie. I mean, they just sit there doing nothing. Meanwhile, the rivers that feed them are often boisterous with rapids leaping to and fro and teeming with robust salmon and occasional waterfalls. Better still, is the pounding, salty surf of the ocean. Plus the ocean has sharks. No one fuccen messes with sharks.

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So yeah: Lakes are douchie.

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So saith I.

3:53 pm August, 2 DarkSock said...

It’s the Tidy-Douche Man!

3:54 pm August, 2 DarkSock said...

To add to Crucial’s rant:
.
Ox-Bow “Lakes” gargle donkey cockk.
dsf

3:58 pm August, 2 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Why aren’t the people in that boat backing up into them???

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Boss, should the question be rephrased as “Is there a direct correlation between douchebaggery and large bodies of water”? I have been on several lakes where there has been nary a douche in sight and others where you couldn’t swing Four Prongs’ dick and not hit one. This also applies to rivers, seas, and oceans as well. I believe it is more of a population problem (a large concentration of douchebags near a body of water) as opposed to the actual occurance of said body of water. For example, Lake Havasu contain a large number of douches near to it but some of my favorite lakes in northern Wisconsin have no douches near them (they’d be slaughtered by the locals and hung on poles Vlad the Impaler-style as a warning) at all. I believe it more of a population density problem than just mere water availability.

4:04 pm August, 2 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

A follow-up question: With warming climates, will the population of douchebags increase and should the IPCC have included this in their scenarios? I think a strong correlation can be found here with horrifying results. (Mrs. Doc Bunsen came up with this one. Blame her.)

4:25 pm August, 2 Medusa Oblongata said...

I concur, there is a link between Lakes and Douchebaggery. However, there are more factors at work than merely stagnant water and douchenozzlery. As Douchey Lewis 3:38 mentioned Chicagobags, I will vouch that Lake Michigan is swarming with ‘bags. As is Lake Havasu, Lake Ozarks in Missouri, and Lake Erie. As you notice, these are all sizable to permit hundreds on the beachside. And as Mr. Biggs so eloquently noted at 3:34, boats are always involved.

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So, what you have is a large enough space to accommodate a large number of people and maximize the exposure, or the “be seen” factor, and increase the chances of “hooking up”. Also, the inclusion of boats allows for the display of wealth, real or imaginary. Tiny Lake Saugany in Rolling Prairie, IN has no such silliness. The average beach around the lake is about 500 feet wide, the lake is less than a mile across and no motors are allowed in the water. It’s a douche-free paradise, inhabited by the local yokels who are on the pier fishing while their grandkids splash near the shore.

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I say boats equipped with dredging hooks is the way to clean up the mess in the douche-infested waters.

4:32 pm August, 2 speedboatking said...

I’m 99% sure that picture was taken in a place called “F Cove” in NJ. More specifically… DIRECTLY ACROSS THE BAY FROM SEASIDE HEIGHTS NJ. Enough said.

4:35 pm August, 2 Et Tu Douche? said...

I hate to say it but I think there is a direct corollary of lakes, bags & bleeths. I’m guessing Lake Sunapee in NH? Boston folk up for the weekend. If so that’s a shame.

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I concur with the good Dr. regarding population density, you would never see spectacle as this on Lake Jenny in WY

4:44 pm August, 2 scrotum pole said...

This reminds me of a book I read as a child by Dr.Suess:

Scrotes in Boats!

In a putrid lake,

the breasts are fake.

The breasts are fake,

In a putrid lake.

The bleeths with boobs,

ride innertubes,

In the putrid lake

where the breasts are fake.

The boobs are groped,

by douchey scrotes.

The boobs are groped,

by Scrotes in Boats!

The innertubes,

are pulled with ropes

Pulled with ropes

by Scrotes in Boats!

5:27 pm August, 2 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

I would argue that the correlation isn’t with ‘bags and lakes, but with ‘bags and motorboats. The ‘bag’s primary purpose in life is to make a loud, obnoxious spectacle of himself, and you can’t really do that in a canoe. Motorboats, on the other hand, are loud, flashy, ugly, and ultimately useless, just like the ‘bags themselves.

Therefore, I agree with Mr. Biggs @3:42, and second his motorboat ban. The ‘bags will then go off to the clubs where they belong and leave that lakey goodness to proper folk. True, a few hippiebags might slip through, but they are a scrawny lot, and easily fed to bears.

5:39 pm August, 2 Dicy said...

@scrotem pole

I think I love you

Also, I have to agree with you on this one Boss. I grew up on the coast of South Georgia and I can assure you that 90% of the people I grew up with are huge dbags. This is probably why I always avoided the beach as a young’n.

6:19 pm August, 2 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Scrotum Pole for the win.

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In my relatively new neighborhood the city and county joined forces and built a large pond for all to enjoy. It’s a nice addition and reflects the ongoing commitment to retain and develop green space. It’s fed by mountain run off but not the kind you want to drink. While you couldn’t throw a rock across it you could easily swim from one side to the other.

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Unless you’re one of the many douchebags that, like mosquitos to stagnant water in the bottom of discarded tires, have flocked to the man made beach that adorns the shallow end of the pond.

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I would contest that two key factors are necessary for ‘bag attraction: shallow, non-moving water. How often do we see water hobos and their dual-chambered floaties waist deep in green-brown cesspools, wandering furtively from boat to boat, hoping someone will show pity and welcome their pruny asses on board with offerings of cheep beer and soggy potato chips? If the water was deep their brains wouldn’t tell them to start swimming. The douchebags would just continue walking on the bottom until their Grinch-sized hearts stopped beating. One such unlucky fellow did in fact drown only months after the pond was opened. And the bleeth would simply float around untili they were picked up by wealthier, boat owning (by owning I mean borrowing) douchebags. If the water is moving the current would be like a gift from Jebus, sweeping the stain of beachbaggery away like used toilet paper. Yet another punishment for the people of New Orleans.

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Boats are a factor; but if the water’s moving the only ‘bags around will be in said boats, desperately trying to avoid crashing into other ‘bags, URC in one hand, cell phone in the other (Dad! F*ck dad! how do you like, go f*cking backwards?!)

6:39 pm August, 2 Medusa Oblongata said...

R. I. P. Derf Scratch.

7:29 pm August, 2 DarkSock said...

with apologies to The Doobie Brothers:

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“O black water,

Got my ballsac burnin’,

Her slippery fisted poon

Got th’ yeast a-churnin’

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Now she’s got some funky dicks-in-hand,

C’mon strap-on Momma, take me like a man…

7:36 pm August, 2 Baron Von Goolo said...

23 comments in and no one’s made the obvious “motorboating” joke?

.

That’s gotta be some kind of record, idnit?

7:40 pm August, 2 DarkSock said...

@Medusa-

That’s a Bummer. I remember staying up late to see the Saturday Night episode where they were musical guests; it was mayhem. Since Derf was a punk bassist he probably died from tennis elbow. Poor guy. At least he made it longer than Darby Crash or poor ol’ Bob Stinson…I still remember watching him in that dress when the ‘Mats played on SNL.

7:41 pm August, 2 Baron Von Goolo said...

Medusa, you seem to be the best judge of this kind of thing: are we looking at the real thing here?

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Mr. Right hangs pretty naturally. Also, she hiding a sizeable dumper below the tideline, implying a percentage of bodyfat conducive to glorious, Rubenesque proportions. I’m thinking we might have a winner.

7:45 pm August, 2 DarkSock said...

O I thought about it, Baron…but her boobs are uneven and you could paralyze yourself. Or worse.

.

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I know about dangerous motorboating.

7:48 pm August, 2 DarkSock said...

“Dumper Below The Tideline” is my band’s new name. Royalty checks for BvG if we make it big.

8:24 pm August, 2 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

“Slippery Fisted Poon” was my name at scout camp back in ’81.

10:15 pm August, 2 Baleen said...

Too riff on Mr. Scrotato’s comment @ 6:19, he brings up a good point conerning the body of water itself. Put these boatbags in the middle of the Indian Ocean on a wooden sailboat and you have a reality show that may only last one episode but it was worth it. For example, I can think of no better juxtaposition to these wading scum buckets than our sea going brethren that strode the oceans by sail, sextant, and compass hunting whales- Leviathans of unspeakable size and stength, fabricating the carcasses and harvesting the oil at sea. For example, the harpooners aboard the Pequod in Moby Dick (a fairly accurate rendering historically) all possesed outward douchey attributes. These noble savages were pierced, tattooed, and mohawked. Their’s were the first lances to strike the mighty sperm whales. The entire crew were at sea up to three yearsor more without touching land. Not to mention the treacherous turn round Cape Horn to finally bring their precious cargo home to Nantucket.

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Douches? I think not.

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Such are my stoned ramblings but for these lake choads, a motorboat is nothing but a big floatee with Igloo coolers full of Smirnoff Ice and chlamydia.

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P.S. I am monomaniacal about Moby Dick.

10:17 pm August, 2 Baleen said...

In short, Mankind has grown pretty fuccen soft…

10:26 pm August, 2 Stephanie said...

Waste and stuff floating…watch out.

10:27 pm August, 2 creature said...

@ Medusa

one of my first punk shows was at Doug Weston’s Troubador & Fear headlined… they threw blood worms at the audience. It was glorious & I was hooked!

10:28 pm August, 2 creature said...

^ goriest?

10:32 pm August, 2 creature said...

also, as a former power boat owner, I can attest to the fact that boats are tremendous skank magnets. their diseased pelts would often come hurtling across Avalon harbor, impaling themselves on the bow… some of the best & worst days at sea

10:34 pm August, 2 creature said...

prompting many a sketchy boat ride & eliciting a sailors favorite comment… “fuck or swim”

10:59 pm August, 2 Fatness said...

“fuck or swim”

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I saw that boat at Monroe Harbor yesterday…

11:15 pm August, 2 Seriously Off-Topic Guy said...

Anybody else notice that actor Clark Gregg, who in Iron Man portrays SHIELD Agent Coulson who patiently keeps trying to schedule a debrief with Tony Stark via Pepper Potts, very much resembles 60’s charactor actor William Schallert? Both are slim white guys with side-parted hair, five-heads and pointy chins.

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Nobody? Just me?

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Ehhh, carry on…

3:52 am August, 3 scrotum pole said...

^ Allen Iverson?

5:26 am August, 3 Eliza Douchecoo said...

Those are all the tattoos Allen Iverson has on his neck now.

5:26 am August, 3 Douchey Smurf said...

S.S. Larson. Worst boat name ever.

6:17 am August, 3 Turdacious said...

This might be the lowe rung of douchebag society, That boat is not the quality we normaly see. no tower with mounted speakers etc etc.

just a plain old floater with floaties

6:31 am August, 3 scrotum pole said...

@ Baleen 10:15

Your point about the mental and physical toughness of the modern North American man is a good one.

It all started with the invention of the helmet.

Batting helmets, motorcycle helmets, hockey helmets, football helmets, (I’m OK with leather ones), even bull-riders from Argentenia wear them now.

Then helmets begat “Soft Walls” at speedways, Safety glass, seat belts, air bags, condoms, ear plugs, speed limits, gaurd rails, OSHA, Ground Fault Interrupters and cigarette warning labels, and they have turned us into a nation of pansies.

Hell I saw a kid on a tricycle the other day with a bicycle helmet on! He’s destined to grow up gelling his hair, getting manicures and watching his cholesterol… Pussy!

No doubt you’ve already read Owen Chase’s real-life account in his book The Wreck of the Whaleship Essex.

Now those were some real men.

(Personally, I never leave the house without a good coat of SPF 30 and my Life Alert system.)

7:08 am August, 3 I R A Darth Aggie said...

The water is viral because off illegal poo dumping. You know this is true.

8:06 am August, 3 Tony Ventresca said...

Looks like Lake Erie…

9:12 am August, 3 Captain Garanichode said...

Time to play MOTORBOAT!

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Watch out though.. there is a poop in the pool.

9:22 am August, 3 jonezy said...

.

I was out on the lake last weekend, and this boat always draws a crowd

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You could feel the D-bag emanating off their boat. That and the Industrial grade speakers blasting some techno.

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And yet in some ways, I find it hard to frown at….

10:11 am August, 3 douche bagel said...

shortly after this pic was taken the dept of waste management quarantined the area and douche poo was disposed of properly

11:19 am August, 3 tballou said...

Its not the lake, its the boat that counts. Without the boat, the bags are just wading around all alone in murky green water, but with a boat comes the hotts! Contrast that with a swimming pool – in that case the water alone is sufficient, provided of course there is ample deck space for sunning and plenty of beer and URCs.

1:55 pm August, 3 shit-stained underpants said...

Fiddle heads camp ground, Saco River, ME. For those of you who have experienced this bed pain abortion, i say no more.

4:01 pm August, 3 Steve L. said...

if all the douchey lakes in the Northeast are drained Soviet style, there might be enough water to restore maybe a quarter of the Aral Sea. the water would have to be purified from the Grieco virus first, though.

hey, the Aral Sea was never accomplice to facilitating as much douchebaggery as New Jersey. it deserves better.

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