Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Reader Mail: Addendum to The Speedo Rule

—-
DB1,

I’m a faithful follower of the site and I believe you are a hero for what you do. Your mocking is superb and the philosophical asides on the impending douchepocalypse I find both entertaining and a call to arms for the decent and upstanding men of the world.

I have to take exception with the speedo dude. He is a douche, but I spent my whole life as a competitive swimmer. Everyone wears those. For every big meet I was in since my junior year of high school straight through my collegiate swimming career I shaved down completely 3 times a year. Everyone does that. It’s how you prep for a meet, it’s akin to a boxer wrapping his hands before a fight. It is necessary pre-sport prep work.

I don’t spike my hair. I don’t use that axe crap (which I believe may be more dangerous than the oil dispersant in the Gulf is). I try and keep the Hots away from the dbags. I have no obnoxious tats nor do I make the awful smug looks into the camera if someone is taking a pic of me.

DB1, surely whole sport of swimming cannot be douches. Despite constant GSR at meets and speedos everywhere. Please…. tell me I have not been living a lie. Tell me I haven’t been a douche all my life without knowing it.

Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabadoo
—-

Well argued, JJJJS. We will make the exception for the competitive swimmer. But only when attending swim meets and/or training, are speedos and fully body shave allowed. No other exceptions apply.

# posted by douchebag1
12:12 pm August, 11 DarkSock said...

No, for the greater good we should play it safe and simply ban swim meets and any and all other forms of competitive swimming. I do not wish, under any circumstances, to see some dude standing there with what appears to be a medium order of Sonic tater tots suckled and cloven unto his groinular region.
.
Because tatertot groin is a gateway to facism. Dick-Taters, if you will.
stru
Think about the children, Joey Joe Joe. Specifically the ones peeing in the pool water you involuntarily ingest.

12:13 pm August, 11 Baron Von Goolo said...

I second that. You never know when speedos might lead to the rippin’ and the tearin’.
.
The rippin’ and the tearin’…
.
(shudder…)

12:15 pm August, 11 DarkSock said...

Not to mention inverted sump colon syndrome.

12:17 pm August, 11 Deltus said...

I can give a notta to swimmers wearing Speedos. It’s a requirement for the sport. But ONLY during swim meets! If you head down to the beach, put on some regular swim gear, no Speedos allowed, no exceptions! As for the full body shave and groin shave, that’s okay, as long as there’s no GSR. Not even during swim meets. At NO point is it okay to pull your pants down to nigh groin level. Myself, I keep the back hair trimmed, as well as the groin region. It’s neater and cleaner and I don’t feel like a fucking sasquatch anymore. But never would I do a GSR.

12:35 pm August, 11 Vin Douchal said...

Why don’t the ladies swim in speedos? They all wear those full body one piece suits.

And isn’t water polo a little homoerotic? Those guys are incredible athletes but they are hugging and nudging each other while wearing Speeods and nappy hats . What is that all about?
.

12:35 pm August, 11 Claude Douchenburg said...

I was a competitive swimmer in high school and college too and I agree. Speedos only for swim meets and training.

12:36 pm August, 11 Vin Douchal said...

Speedos…. one-handed typing

12:38 pm August, 11 Vin Douchal said...

2004 Texas Tech Woman’s Swim Team

12:40 pm August, 11 boatbutter said...

I can’t state my opposition to guys in Speedos any clearer than this:

http://inglourious.ytmnd.com/

12:40 pm August, 11 Crucial Head said...

I’m not so sure about this whole need for speedos while swimming either. I mean, half the people in the neighborhood where I grew up, some relatives even, were able to swim faster than a school of famished piranhas across the border whilst wearing a full set of clothes.

12:50 pm August, 11 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Simple math here:
.
speedos + swim meet = OK
.
speedos + any other time = NOT OK
.
see very simple
.
@ Vin
.
Water polo is some brutal ass shit. A friend of mine played it in college and told me what happens below the water line. If you’ve ever been allowed to mix with the gen pop in jail after being convicted of a sex crime against a child then you’ll know what it is like. He said it took many a day before his balls managed to work their way back down to the proper place. Not to mention broken ribs. Oh and thanks for the comments about “The Road”. Usually I’m not such a dumbass (OK ask my wife, she’ll tell you I’m ALWAYS a dumbass) and read the book first however, I completely screwed the pooch on this one.

12:53 pm August, 11 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

The invisible Man laciviously licked his lips in anticipation of punting Chad’s junk to the former planet Pluto.

1:00 pm August, 11 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

Speedos aren’t all bad.

1:02 pm August, 11 the douche is alright said...

Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo? That’s the worst name i’ve ever heard in my life

1:04 pm August, 11 the douche is alright said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQW2t4SxvJ0

1:10 pm August, 11 scrotum pole said...

How about the douchebags with fat beer guts who don the complete Lance Armstrong, Tour de France get-up when they ride their bikes to Mac Donalds on Saturday morning.

Ebery bit as douchey as speedos.

1:10 pm August, 11 scrotum pole said...

ebery? ^

1:14 pm August, 11 Vin Douchal said...

Ebery bit as douchey as snapping the band on your giant wrist watch jacking off

1:15 pm August, 11 Vin Douchal said...

Ebery bit as douchey as posing for photos at a club then getting mad about them showing up on the intrawebs

1:16 pm August, 11 Vin Douchal said...

Ebery bit as douchey as not wanting to pee up Francine’s butt

1:17 pm August, 11 Vin Douchal said...

Ebery bit as douchey as frolicing with no shirt on until the synchronized fist pump frenzy

1:17 pm August, 11 mr.reeve said...

The bags are using the Speedo for attention. This is what I oppose.
^As for the sausage looking bike riders who ride to McDonalds and stand around so people can see their McNuggets. F-YOU!

1:19 pm August, 11 mr.reeve said...

Ebery and Ibory
Libe to together in perfect harbony

1:19 pm August, 11 scrotum pole said...

Then there’s my neighbor. A fifty year old overweight diabetic who used to wear a Marvin Harrison jersey every Sunday.
That guy is definitely not Marvin Harrison! Marvin Harrison is a superb athelete who could run the 40 in less than 4.4 seconds.
My neighbor would have a f#@kin’ heart-attack if he sprinted back from his mailbox.
If you’re past the age of eleven, and not playing football, don’t wear a football jersey!

1:20 pm August, 11 scrotum pole said...

It pisses me off ebery time.

1:24 pm August, 11 Medusa Oblongata said...

Speedos for competitive swimming=notta.
Speedos for standing in a grassy field and mugging hotts? Uber. And what’s with the fucking belt, are you a super hero? LAME-OR! THE DORKTACULAR!

1:28 pm August, 11 Medusa Oblongata said...

Ditto on the jersey, Scrotum Pole. Mr. O. Had a closet full of jerseys that he pretty much lived in. Embarrassed the hell out of me to be seen with a sweaty, out of breath fat guy loping around in sweat pants, barely able to tie his own shoe, but dressed up like a guy who spends all day running in the hot sun wearing thirty pounds of equipment. Granted, Warren Sapp wasn’t the slim picture of the perfect athlete, but hell, he could WALK his ass to the refrigerator if he needed to, instead of screaming from the recliner that he needed something, while icing his knees. ‘Cause that last hundred pounds gained was puttin’ strain on shit, you know.

1:28 pm August, 11 scrotum pole said...

Actually, I think the belt-buckle is pretty cool, but it may slow him down in the 100 meter freestyle.

1:44 pm August, 11 Vin Douchal said...

I wear a circa 1996 Red Sox # 33 Canseco jersey when I go to games. I love the reaction I get from other fans when they realize it isn’t a Veritek jersey.
.
The vintage Yaz and Gator Greenwell jerseys stay in their protective wrappers in the closet, ocassional taken out for a good shaking and moth search.
.
Greatest baseball hi-lite of all time:
.

1:46 pm August, 11 Vin Douchal said...

Again:
Canseco noggin shot

2:18 pm August, 11 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

I can understand not wanting to wear parachute pants for the 200 meter breast stroke, but seriously. What scientist figured out that if you shaved the hair off your mound masher that you’d also shave 2/10th of a second off of your time? Are you telling me that a tight suit that went below the nut sack on each leg would actually result in a loss over some dude wearing a rubber band? Seriously.
.
Years back my 5-foot-4-inch, 250 pound father-in-law used to wear a silver speedo when we would go to the waterslides for a family trip. We called it the “Silver Bullet”. He wore that thing several years in a row down countless high friction water slides until I pointed out to my loving wife that we should start calling it the “Flesh Tone Bullet” at which point she shamed him into getting a new, more flattering suit.
.
Not a big fan of the speedo. A begruding notta for competitive swimming and this for anyone else thinking of sporting a silver bullet.

2:23 pm August, 11 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Medusa^
.
I’ll meet you half way on the jersey thing. I’ve got one jersey (Not gonna say who it is because you’re all a bunch of jealous haters. Retirement is for pussies), as do both my sons. I wear it game day. In the house. Emphasis on in the house. You can wear sports jerseys out and about when you’re a kid but there comes a time when, like the Silver Bullet, you need to curb your youthful enthusiasm.
.
Wearing a jersey outside of your house or a sports stadium is another story altogether. No better way to express, and then deny, your unbridled man crush than to wear your jersey over your fat gut to the grocery store when you’re stocking up on beer and chips.

2:31 pm August, 11 creature said...

I gotta be the dissenting opinion here… only in the US (& maybe yuck, Canada) is the speedo thing a big glaring problem…. a yaqui homophobia thing. me I prefer to have a tan line above my knees. I dunno, put on a pair of banana hammocks & then maybe like the rest of the world you may even like soccer

2:46 pm August, 11 soy bomb said...

Vin, when I go to Sox games, I wear this man’s jersey. I thought I was all badass and unique but then I saw some dude in Phoenix wearing one when the Sox were in town to play the D’Bags, er, D’Backs. I thought of chasing him down and buying him a beer but I don’t think any bar could handle that much awesome in one place at the same time.

3:08 pm August, 11 Vin Douchal said...

Best Sex Tip Of The Day Dept.:
.
If the ocassional premature ejaculation episode gets you down, the cure when the swimmers are lining up to jump off the plane is to picture Mike “Gator” Greenwell spitting tobacco.; The expected coitus extension is usually 10-22 minutes
.

3:12 pm August, 11 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Most men are just jealous of a dude who has the balls and big junk to look good in a SPEEDO. At least that’s what the wife says around here. And we never hear anyone bitchin’ ’bout ladies (or skanks) in the bikinis. What a friggin’ double standard of body exposure y’all have.

3:16 pm August, 11 Troy Tempest said...

@Scrotumpole – agreed on the bike thing.

Until several years ago, I was an avid cyclist. 6’3″, about 210lbs. Then I got a job I had to commute to that had a KICK ASS cafeteria. Now I have 30 unwanted friends sitting on my belt. Fuckers.

So, I want to get back into riding, but all these people who “want to go riding” dress up in fucking Lycra swathed in logos from Campagnolo or Shimano or Trek or Giant or Schwinn or whatever the fuck they ride. And they wear these useless fucking shoes that clip into the pedals that are impossible to walk around in. And they wear these streamlined sunglasses and dorky little caps under their helmets as they ride their carbon fiber framed bikes that weigh 500g and have tires that are barely 1 cm wide.

Jesus – what a bunch of fucking douchenozzles.

I have a Specialized Sequoia that I modded for San Francisco (it has the granny gear of all granny gears) and long distance riding. It weighs about 30 lbs. Pannier sacks, frames bags, the whole nine yards. I have literally put (back in five, I’m going to do some calculations here…) about 20,000 miles on that bike – gone through several chains, more tires than I can count, more brake pads than I care to dream about. And it needs a paint job.

Have I ever Ever EVER worn a single lycra shirt or tight biking shorts, EVER? FUCK NO. Hell – most of those miles were commuting! I rarely road for fun. And I wore WORK CLOTHES. A shirt, trousers, shoes, and a usually a jacket. And if I was riding long distance I would wear LIGHT trousers, because sunburn SUCKS, and if you dump your bike, even basic clothing can mean the difference between minor road rash and significant laceration.

But who do I see on my trips? And Sunday afternoon blowing through the park at 30mph? WHO is frightening the children and looking all self-righteous? THEM the lycra guys. The two wheeled douchebags.

FUCK YOU ASSHOLES!!!

You want people to ride bikes, but you are a major reason why no one does! Bikes should be (And soon will be) the major mode of transportation for all people, but as long as a bunch of greasy narcissistic scum stains like you go stinking up the neighbourhood with your over puffed dipshit attitude on your $2000 piece of carbon, aluminum and rubber, adorned with your garish dimwitted outfits, fugggedaboutit – we’re good as fucking doomed, thanks to you.

Dipshits like you – where are YOU when we need to protest for more and better bike lanes? HMMMM? Nowhere. You’re up at the cottage pretending the world doesn’t matter. Where are YOU when we need you downtown for a Critical Mass to fuck things up and shake some sense into the sheeple who drive by ONE BY ONE to their suburban dormitories? WHERE ARE YOU? Home, waxing your GSR for tomorrow nights romp at the singles bar.

Fuck you people – you lycra clad bicycle douchebags. You just want to be like Lance so you can score Sheryl Crow Level poontang and then after you’ve banged the snot out of her for several years andshe wants a kid with you because she loves you and she’s pushin’ 50, you dump her sweet sorry ass because you’re a fucking douchebag. That’s who you fuckers emulate – a douchebag. Because you are all douchebags. Fuck You.

3:39 pm August, 11 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Troy Tempest
.
Agree with your whole post except the part about bikes becoming the major mode of transportation for all people. All other arguments not withstanding, until people can be guaranteed jobs within cyclying distances from their homes, they ain’t gonna ride bikes to work. It’s distance and weather my friend. In SLC, only the fanatics ride their bikes during the winter storms, and they usually live within a couple miles of their work. And since so many people change either employers or work locations numerous times, biking can’t always be guaranteed as the best option. I’m afraid we’re always going to have motorized transport of one sort or another for the general public.
.
Plus, have you seen the size of people in Wal-Mart? Wait, that’s another argument. Sorry.

3:56 pm August, 11 DarkSock said...

I live 1,200 feet from my office and I still drive my (hybrid) SUV to fuccen work. The heat index down here this week was 118 degrees. Fuck doing anything outside in Biloxi in August, other than dashing from AC to AC. It’s hotter than Lance Armstrong’s asshole during the uphill leg of the tour de france.

4:33 pm August, 11 Troy Tempest said...

Mr Scrotato: you’re assuming people will have much choice in the matter.

DarkSock: You’re assuming there will be a need for architects…

=:-O

4:42 pm August, 11 Troy Tempest said...

You should all watch this Movie.

5:42 pm August, 11 scrotum pole said...

Troy,
Your link didn’t work, but I assume you meant this movie.

5:45 pm August, 11 creature said...

I’m with Troy. the tour de france wannabe’s really blow… & their bogus lil’ pelotons are really lyrcra driven heat rash out breaks. my ride is an 8 gear upright commuter (that I just got off btw) & I ride it to work when ever distance seems reasonable… however Los Angeles is a car commuter, road raging nightmare & places like no. Hollywood & Burbank just to goddamn far from the beach community. but I love me some bikini clad cruiser ridin’ beach babies down on the bike path… “hey stop, let’s have a beer honey!’

6:45 pm August, 11 Et Tu Douche? said...

I agree Notta for swimmers, water poloists etc, however remember this guy was a competitive diver and we all know how he turned out.
.
http://www.seminoles.com/sports/m-swim/mtt/beinlich_jason00.html

6:46 pm August, 11 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I work in my house and drive my car to get to the backyard pool for my morning swim so I can refresh before drinking again.. Lycra is gay.

All male swimmers are douchebags. If they are lifeguards or instructors they are double douche for flashing their gamete knuckles and cukes to the little kids. The girls not so much.

6:47 pm August, 11 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Water Polo is speed dating for men.

6:53 pm August, 11 Stephanie said...

Troy Tempest is pissed about bikers…it’s like all sports,as soon as squares enter into the sport/bike as a hobby,it ruins it. Also the prices of biking shit went way up. Now it’s like Ed Hardy gear,it’s retailed high,yet made in china,dudes….and it’s all about labels, and not really biking anymore.
Labels!!!!!!
The “L” on his speedos make me think he’s trying hard to be a superhero. I can’t help but think he’s “Super Loser” …But I think it’s kinda funny,and mocking rather than douchey.

Eagah! is a great movie! Thanks for the link.

8:19 pm August, 11 JohnDouchePassos said...

@ Troy Tempest,

You are one angry mo-fo. Have you ever raced a bike? If you had, you might understand why racing cyclists wear the kit.

And sorry, at 6’3″, 210 lbs you were way too fat for competitive cycling.

On the speedo debate, moot. Competitive swimmers haven’t worn g-string speedos for many years. The suits look more like compression shorts these days.

10:19 pm August, 11 Sir David Douchenborough said...

Unfortunately, the attitude about speedos is increasingly getting traction because of its widespread appeal in places outside of the U.S. There is some sort of Euro envy or something when I hear people say “I think it is a nice sign of confidence just like the Europeans!”

People tend to forget that North America tries to maintain a minimum level of physical humility, though the rise of douchebaggery may point to the contrary. Also, while America is known for crazed idolatry there is still an tacit meritocracy that if you are going to go be very revealing, you better be sculpted like Michelangelo’s David. Men in speedoes reveal far more than a woman in a bikini (unless she has camel toe), so the criteria is more restrictive as men leave nothing to the imagination.

Those who have a secret desire to wear speedos probably join up on a local Masters swim program or water polo team just for justification.

In Australia, there is a long streak of wearing speedoes as well because it is all integrated with their lifeguard/beach lifestyle. With few exceptions, most swimmers and water polo players are disproportionate because they are not used to any training involving standing on ground. It may sound silly but the running joke, at least according to Charles Poliquin, is that if you want to see athletic awkwardness, get a swim team to play leap frog, they will fall over each other.

Regrettably, the speedo thing is here to stay, especially since it is propped up in the gay community, gaybags love wearing their little grape smugglers.

@Troy Tempest

My old chrysler finally bit the dust, and I had no choice but to start bike commuting. To boot, I managed to do it even through a Canadian winter. I hear your pain, though I always try to ingratiate myself with the lycra warriors because they tend to get quite cocky on the road. It is hard for me to keep up because I have a used 60 dollar mountain bike, but they do a good job in clearing a path for me, since there are rarely any bike lanes. You are right thought that they are noticeably absent when it comes to bike advocacy, since during the week, they like to zip around downtown in their new Audi.

They certainly don’t show up at the bike co ops where I get my used parts, but man, bike shops love them because they will just throw money at their prize possession for the most inane things. Most of those people wearing the aerodynamic helmets probably have not even changed an axle much less true their own bike.
I have to admit though, I have one pair of bike shorts, but they look like actual shorts, not the nut-hugging nonsense.

Cycling, like swimming and soccer, are the sports that middle class, suburb parents get their children into. It gives the parents street cred to say that their son or daughter is sporty AND plays the cello or whatever instrument. That cockiness must be passed down.

10:27 pm August, 11 Steve L. said...

a sport is a sport, but thank god i don’t know much about competitive swimming.

6:32 am August, 12 Anonymous 3:16 said...

I’d argue that really only past speedo wearing for competitive swimming be allowed. While there are still a few, the clear trend in competitive swimming has been to lengthier suits to reduce friction and drag – which is why swimmers shave their bodies as well.

10:35 am August, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Troy Tempest
.
Nice rant and I agree wholeheartedly with you!!!!

10:52 am August, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

Amen, Troy. My athletic skills are best compared to that of a sprinter–short, intense bursts of insane activity, and then I’m wrecked. I can lift a bag of dog food that’s half my weight (clocked in at 114 at the doc yesterday), carry it up a flight of stairs, hoist it into an overhead bin and then I need a nap. People who bike for a mile or two in the hot sun and/or snow impress the fuck out of me. I made it a point to get my house within walking distance of my job, as was my prior apartment, as I assume carbon tax and cap and trade are going to make most of us non-drivers in the next five years. I’m already lamenting dumping 3600 bucks on show chrome for a car that I will most likely abandon on the side of the road by then.
.
I came into posession of a lovely 60s-era Raleigh sports with the original Brooks saddle a few years back and I take it out here and there. It’s a thing of beauty, but it’s meant for pedaling down to the pub on a lazy afternoon, not hauling ass for the finish line. And every time I get out and wobble my way down the road for a cruise, I’m overtaken by spandex-clad asshats on bikes that cost more than my house, barking at me to get the eff out of the way. This is a college town, after all, and even though I’m in the serious ghetto portion of town, the racing faction loves to ride here for the lack of hills, cobblestone and long stretches of wide road. Fuck those guys. I got a lot of respect for their athleticism, I can’t do what they do. I get six blocks on my clunker and I’m ready to collapse. What I’m not a fan of is their douchey smugness and rudeness to people like myself that are making an effort to say no to cars, but don’t want to win the fucking Olympics, either.

8:14 pm August, 12 Troy Tempest said...

@DouchePassos:

When I was in university, 6’3″ 185 lbs, I blew the doors off the captain of the University bike team. He invited me to be on the team. I told him to fuck off.

Athletes wear stuff because they are athletes. My friend and neighbour DIED following close behind the fucking Tour de France this year, (did a faceplant at 45 mph) so don’t give me any fucking crap about bike athletes. I’ve known many. I respect them.

I don’t have a lot of time or consideration for the asshats who THINK they’re bicycle athletes, when in fact, they are just a bunch of yuppie wannabe dipshits who think that if you dress the part and blow a few grand on a bike and shave your body hair off and race all over town once a month, they’re some kind of serious athlete, when actually they’re just a bunch of fucking douchebags.

@Medusa:
When you stop spending every dime on your house, you might look into an electric assist bike. This way you get to pedal and go some significant distance without knocking yourself out.

Here’s a guy in rural illinois who sells them:
http://www.kellyhicks.com/WF24.htm
he has a pretty silly video that demos the bike he sells.

Something like that would be plenty for you. The local Walmart was blowing bikes like that out for $500. They’re kind of sucky. I saw a nice one recently – very well built – thick spokes, nice tires, great brakes – $1500.

My left ankle and knee are shot, and I am looking into getting one myself – or a trike – like this one:
http://www.cyclone-tw.com/images/electric-recument.jpg

Those are still too expensive – they run around $2500, min. However: I would never need a car again in the city. Ever.

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