Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Sam’s Troubling HCwDB “Costume” Party

——–
DB1,

I finally threw that HCwDB costume party I emailed you about and it turned out very well. I wanted to share the pictures from it, they look quite authentic.

In the kitchen, I went for a fratboy Douche vibe, with a keg, the red plastic cups, rail alcohol, and college posters (i.e. girls with big boobs). As it turns out, I still have the posters up, realizing a certain affinity and nostalgia that persists (my inner Douche).

In the living room, it was club Douche and in finding tracks to download and spin, I created a Douchebaggery Pandora station. My discovery: Haddaway’s “What is Love” is the key that unlocks all things musically douchey. Also, I had a projector showing movies in the background, and I chose the following films:

The Fast and the Furious, Top Gun, and Rocky III.

I realized that whenever there is a movie with men “glistening”, it’s going to be douchey.

Last, I had a side room which acted as a V(ery)VIP room, replete with a velvet rope and ‘bottle service’. I realized that I really liked keeping a guest list and deciding who gets into that room, again tapping into my inner Douche.

Anyway, thanks for being the prophet that you are and also hearing my confessions. The party was a lot of fun, and in the end, I realized it’s a great way to get my girlfriends to dress slutty 😉

-Sam

————

First off, Rocky III rules. It is not, nor will it ever be, douchey. Secondly, there’s a fine line between mocking ‘bag culture, and becoming ‘bag culture, Sam. You have tapped your “inner douche” a bit too strongly, and I fear you’ve gone to the scrotepud side.

Be careful. For when Icarus flew too close to the sun, his hair gel caught fire.

# posted by douchebag1
2:22 pm August, 17 scrotum pole said...

It only “turned out well,” if those hotties got nekkid.

2:28 pm August, 17 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

At least I felt remorse after…story of my life.

“What did you say, Paper Champion? I’ll beat you like a dog, a dog, you fool! “

2:30 pm August, 17 Et Tu Douche? said...

I’m gonna say he hasn’t gone totally to the douche side just yet, more just douche-curious.

2:30 pm August, 17 Captain Lame said...

Yes the problem with buying a douche costume, is the fact that for one ‘bag outfit it breaks down something like this:
Hair Gel: $12
Affliction Shirt: $215
Stupid Gay Designer Jeans: $3,150
Stupid Gay Designer Belt: $175
Stupid Gay Lady GaGa Shades: $365
Ridiculously Flamboyant Shoes: $325

Spending one night with a douchey persona: Priceless.

Regardless of the whole “losing your soul” thing, is just the sheer amount of money you would have to throw away on trash for one amusing party, by my count, you spent roughly $4,242 for a joke, and an attempt to get girls to dress skanky (not that it’s a bad thing, but acting like a douche as a means to this end is unacceptable). THAT’S Douchey. I think Sam should be in the running for the next weekly.

2:34 pm August, 17 DarkSock said...

By the time Sam finished regaling the girls with a ribald description of the length and girth of his morning bowel movement they were so enraptured they erupted in spontaneous sapphic fondling on the spot.

2:38 pm August, 17 Captain Lame said...

Oh, and Top Gun is one of the most incredible movies of all time. It has the Cruise and the Kilmer, and F-15’s. Enough said. Just because something is masculine doesn’t make it douche. In fact, ‘bags tend to take a lot of ‘roids, so their heightened estrogen levels actually make them fond of movies like “The Notebook”, and “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants”. Even if they don’t admit this publicly….

2:52 pm August, 17 Claude Douchenburg said...

Freud said that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar but I never believed that. It’s always something else.

2:53 pm August, 17 massengill said...

Sorry, Sam, but the whole effort fails for including Rocky III as a douchey movie. Better luck next time.

2:59 pm August, 17 chaserofthehott said...

He promoted the douche and enjoyed it. Next weekly, I concur.

3:36 pm August, 17 Vin Douchal said...

Give him a break, dicks. He gave it a good effort. One man’s douchey movie is another man’s homoerotic masturbatory crush.
.
Go back to your video games:

3:45 pm August, 17 G said...

Sorry, can’t condone a douche party – if Sam wanted to know what it was like being gay, would he have a gang bang with his buddies and suck them all off? I don’t think so…Sam was curious. Next thing will be to try and douche it up in public. Sam goes into the weekly, I say.

3:48 pm August, 17 mr.reeve said...

Yeah dude. Dressing like a douche for a Halloween party is one thing but going all out throwing your own is pretty bagtastic. You should have saved your money and went to Vegas for a 24 hour bender. Would have been cheaper.

3:53 pm August, 17 mr.reeve said...

Top Gun and Rocky 3 both kick ass in my book. Especially this scene of Top Gun.

3:53 pm August, 17 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Sam = Tobias Funke
http://unrealitymag.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/tobias.jpg

3:57 pm August, 17 mr.reeve said...

Rocky 3 scene. Not douche at all by the way.

4:01 pm August, 17 Horace Dangleballs said...

I was willing to give him a pass for keeping the douche party confined to his home and not inflicting it on the populace at large, but I clicked on the link and his facebook page listed his interests as:

DJing, Hustlin, Meditation, Blogging, Yoga, Breakdancing, Screenwriting, Hiking, Photography

More than half of those nine look like douche exemplars to me. Sorry, Sam.

4:37 pm August, 17 mr.reeve said...

^Weird, the facebook page is unavailable now. I wonder why that is, Sam.

5:04 pm August, 17 scrotum pole said...

Breakdancing is a gateway activity which leads to frolicing.

6:16 pm August, 17 Medusa Oblongata said...

The Cunt Commandments
1. If you have to design an excuse to get your girlfriend to dress slutty, she doesn’t really love you. Ask Mr. B. about me going to a daytime festival in full on schoolgirl gear simply because he asked.
2. You know the artist behind that stupid song. It does indeed unlock the keys to all that is douche. And you were holding that key.
3. You attempted to mock, yet claimed it tapped your inner douche. So, really, this was just some excuse to let out your inner douche. Like joining the wrestling team is some excuse to let out your inner homosexual.
4. You “liked” tapping into your inner douche. See this site for a clue as to what we all think of douchebags. You coming here to confess your love of being a douche and of all things douchey is like going to the National Rifle Association site and saying how swell you think the Brady Campaign is.
5.Vin @ 3:36, find me that shirt!!!
6. Wherever there is a movie with men “glistening”, it’s going to be douchey? So, that includes Hamburger Hill, Apocalypse Now, The Deer Hunter, and Murderball? Screw you.
7. You, sir, are a bag of douche, nozzle and all. Now go back to your bedroom VIP lounge and give your butthole some bottle service.

6:19 pm August, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Sam is experimenting in douche. Sam The Butcher never would have done that with sweet Alice succking his manstick. Rocky 3 launched the WWF and currently the UFC.

You had me at Haddaway Sam. And by had me I mean stick Chris Kattan and Will Farrell up your lubed man pooper you “Night At The Roxbury” queen.

And I think this was a fake comment.

6:34 pm August, 17 Wedgie said...

Hey Vin, where can I get one of those controllers? How come guys from Fontucky always get the chicks?
Dammit.

7:05 pm August, 17 Sir David Douchenborough said...

So, really, this was just some excuse to let out your inner douche.

Indeed, it was. The fact of the matter is, if a desperate male is seeking ways to attract more Hotts, their overflowing insecurity will distort their view on what strategies will be effective. However, sensible cultural practices will prevent one from completely going douche initially. The solution? Mimicry as an excuse. These faux baghunters will try to disguise their douchey proclivities by claiming that mimicking douches was just a way of ‘satire,’ when in reality, they are tempted to employ tactics that are perceived to land Hotts and Bleeths.

Quite simply, Sam, you are a textbook case of ‘the reversion to the mean,’ and when I say ‘mean,’ I really intend to say “the mediocre sludge of douchebaggery.”

7:23 pm August, 17 Fatness said...

@medusa…re, shirt: Do you know any Russian? Or Russians?
.
http://printshop.maryjane.ru/airwaver/15606

7:26 pm August, 17 Steve L. said...

so, uh, are Sam’s girlfriends dating douchebags by now?






i REALLY shouldn’t have asked that. my apologies to all HCwDB viewers.

7:34 pm August, 17 Steve said...

I also vie for Rocky 3 and Top Gun. You want 3 douchebag movies? Easy:

1. Scarface (loved by thugs and wanna-be’s a like)
2. The Fast and The Furious (I’d go with the first one, but any will suffice)
3. Any of the UFC videos. No disrespect to the athletes. It’s the fans I could do without.

7:38 pm August, 17 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Fatness 7:23

Если “знают”, что Вы подразумеваете “трахнутый”, то да я знаю некоторых русских.

7:40 pm August, 17 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

I agree with Medusa on number one. If you have to throw a party to get your girls to dress slutty, you must have some pretty straight galpals.

But then, Truman Capote threw his famous balls to get everyone to dress in black and white, and he was read all over.

7:56 pm August, 17 Fatness said...

@medusa, 7:38:
Значит, вы знаете русский тесно!

8:45 pm August, 17 Ron Jeremy said...

Curious carpet munchers cavort on the crotch of the sole member of the Vinnie Babarino fan club.

9:02 pm August, 17 Darksock said...

I’m with Vin; lay off the poor bastard. Probably because Vin, at this juncture, is the only reg as heavily medicated as me, but still….
.
And Top Gun sucked dangle balls.

9:08 pm August, 17 Darksock said...

Hot Shots did it better, and was less silly. O how I hated Top Gun. Predictable schmaltz. I knew Goose was a dead motherfucker before the hack screenwriter that wrote the script did. At least Hot Shots had the awesome belly button to mouth olive scene. And Lloyd “The Fuck” Bridges.

9:19 pm August, 17 Wedgie said...

^Best opening sequence ever. Too bad they didn’t quit while they were ahead.
Ghostrider.

10:47 pm August, 17 Captain Lame said...

@D-Sock:
You cant tell me the scene in the locker room after Goose’s death, the one where the Cruisinator is losing it because of his grief, didn’t tug at your heart strings….

11:10 pm August, 17 Wheezer said...

Tom Cruise vehicles tend to have similar plots: cocky young (insert occupation here) gets his comeuppance, grows up some, then finds balance between humility and self-assurance under the tutelage of some father figure.
.
Not that I’ve seen too many or anything.

11:11 pm August, 17 Wheezer said...

^^At least they did in the 80’s. For awhile.

1:17 am August, 18 tall guy said...

The dude’s a douche I reckon. He’s gone for rebranding, which I have inbuilt skepticism about. it’s a sleight of hand exercise designed to disguise, in reality, a lack of change. My suspicion is heightened by the fact that the dude is attempting to rebrand the things that appear most negatively douche. It’s nothing more than a failed attempt to try and change perceptions, and ultimately, his reality, by changing the way he’s seen. It clearly goes against the view William Shakespeare put forward when he sonnetly remarked ‘A rose by any other name would smell as sweet’. Perhaps this may well have been the case back in the 1600s when the Bard of Avon was barding in Avon, but these days any number of brand consultants would make a good fist of arguing the contrary. Total douche, and possible brand consultant too!

1:19 am August, 18 tall guy said...

Also, beware this shit. Let us not drop our guard.

4:15 am August, 18 Yes said...

So he kept a guest list and liked it, still has the college-girl posters up, and enjoyed being a ‘bag for the night because it got his girl friends to dress like slappers?

Hmmm… no, this doesn’t sound right… this doesn’t sound right at all!

4:19 am August, 18 Sack O Douche said...

Sam, this website is no longer for you. Maybe it never really was. I am assuming by “girlfriends” you mean friends. You are obviously gay and wanted to pretend to be a straight douchebag for kicks. I get it Sam. The jokes on everyone else. All these guys and gals think you were doing it for fun or so your “girlfriends” could dress slutty, but you were really pretending to be straight. Hope you had fun. Now remove the velvet rope from your bedroom door and return it to your bedroom window.

4:48 am August, 18 italian douche said...

You don’t get to 627 friends without making a few enemies.

6:16 am August, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Hey Sam. You know how I know you’re a douche; you claim to have an inner douche.

6:17 am August, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Hey Sam. You know how I know you’re a douche; see Medusa Cunt Rules #1.

6:17 am August, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Hey Sam. You know how I know you’re a douche; you had breakdancing? C’mon.

6:18 am August, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Hey Sam. You know how I know you’re a douche; you admitted the party was fun instead of ripping all of your “friends” a new for agreeing to it.

6:18 am August, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

^ should be “a new one”. Need coffee NOW!

6:42 am August, 18 mr.reeve said...

Hey Sam. You know how I know you’re a douche; the fact that you had a “V(ery)VIP room”.

6:47 am August, 18 Sack O Douche said...

Hey Sam.You know how I know you’re gay; “I realized that whenever there is a movie with men “glistening”, it’s going to be douchey. ” using “glistening to describe men.

6:52 am August, 18 Jeff Reed Towel Dispenser said...

@Medusa, who writes:

“Ask Mr. B. about me going to a daytime festival in full on schoolgirl gear simply because he asked.”

I don’t think Mr. B’s testimony will cut it in this case; some photographic evidence is called for.

6:54 am August, 18 Sack O Douche said...

^agreed!

7:40 am August, 18 Condouchious say said...

Sam’s Party Fail
1. Never, everrrrrr refer to Rocky I through IV as douchey

2. Top Gun is not douchey but rather hilarious unintentional cinematic homoeroticism

3. Multiple acknowledgements of inner douche

4. Can’t even say this was an ironic attempt at making inner douche due to toal lack of irony

9:00 am August, 18 jonezy said...

who fucking cares.
.
you all are Hattters.

10:22 am August, 18 DarkSock said...

Top Gun’s gayer than Spartacus blowing Hedwig’s Angry Inch.

10:56 am August, 18 Jimmy said...

Top Gun is an awful movie. I know people have nostalgic feelings for movies they watched when they were 10 but this movie is really pretty bad and homoerotic. i would agree with the original author that liking this and many other 80’s movies is pretty douchey.

1:31 pm August, 18 massengill said...

Top Gun is gayer than a Mary Poppins-themed foam party.

2:02 pm August, 18 DarkSock said...

Top Gun is gayer than “Can’t Stop The Music” recast with Adam Lambert and the Anal Douche male model.

2:21 pm August, 18 DarkSock said...

Top Gun is gayer than the sexual tension between Spock and Kirk.
ase

3:08 pm August, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Top Gun is gayer than Richards Simmons tea-bagging Elton John while he plays “Benny and the Jets” on Michael Jackson’s petrified cockk.

3:24 pm August, 18 mr.reeve said...

Top Gun is gayer than two grown men doing the ol’ tree and branch.

3:26 pm August, 18 mr.reeve said...

Top Gun is gayer than this website.

4:52 pm August, 18 massengill said...

Top Gun is gayer than Perez Hilton (while possessed by the ghost of Freddy Mercury) having sex with Sir Ian McKellen during a matinee screening of Brokeback Mountain at a movie theater in the Castro neighborhood of San Francisco.
.
And cuddling, afterward.

6:21 am August, 19 Condouchious say said...

Top Gun is gayer than the concept of brunch.

12:23 pm August, 19 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Can we declare that Facebook is somewhat douchey signifier?

8:54 pm August, 19 Steve L. said...

test:

8:58 pm August, 19 Steve L. said...

test again:

9:01 pm August, 19 Steve L. said...

testing

9:02 pm August, 19 Steve L. said...

argh

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