Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Orangeman of Canceria

In southern Brazil, the appearance of this douche is mere legend.

Whispered of amidst the sewing circles of the Lalalu Woo Hotties. Yet never before seen.

Oh hell, I have no idea what I’m writing.

I’m having a HoHo.

And between this monstrosity and Pic #2 of Brothabag Edgar, you deserve some quality Pear: Blue Pear. Think of it as ginger wasabe for the soul.

# posted by douchebag1
12:26 pm August, 4 Lämp said...

**clicks on**

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I Love Blue Pear

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**clicks off**

12:28 pm August, 4 Voulez-vous Douchez? said...

What an intriguing specimen. I’m speaking of the Blue Pear. It appears to have been Photoshopped to resemble smooth fleshy man parts which are at first lovely, and then confusing feelings set in.

Meanwhile The Orangeman clogs my pores with coconut scented grease.

12:35 pm August, 4 Wheezer said...

I also like Pearuvian Blue Pear.

12:42 pm August, 4 tall guy said...

Good God what a horrid sight TOoC is. Whatever it is that possesses anyone to assume looking orange is a good thing needs working on by a priest. Since he’s already got the colour, this underskilled shortcutting narcissist deserves to be flame grilled.

1:11 pm August, 4 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Ah, the Boss man has given a rare treat. Here we see the extremely rare choloputo in its natural habitat. This is quite the rare specimen indeed because it has the clear plastic man purse. This purse is rumored to contain 3 expired female condoms, a pack of Lucky Strikes, and a tube of lubricating spermicide. Watch out hotts because the choloputo is known to excrete a thick slime that entangles its victims that is used to render them unconscious because of its smell. Victims typically die from boredom after having to repeatedly hear about its work-out regimen, killer abs, frolicking abilities. So if you ever see one in the wild, stun it with a bat to the head followed up by a nice trip to the wood chipper.

1:17 pm August, 4 Douche Springsteen said...

the very first image that popped into my head after seeing the orangeman was the scene in the Fellowship of the Ring when the uruk-hai are being “born” from the pits beneath Saruman’s tower. For those of you who aren’t as big of a nerd as me, I mean this:

http://www.informationen-bilder.de/der-herr-der-ringe/uruk-hai.jpg

Viewed in this context, a line of dialogue from the film appropriated from Tolkien’s novel seems chillingly prophetic:

“Do you know how the Orcs first came into being? They were elves once, taken by the dark powers, tortured and mutilated. A ruined and terrible form of life.”

Replace “orcs” with “douchebags” and “elves” with “humans” and it would seem that Tolkien anticipated the Grieco virus as cultural taint as early as the beginning stages of the 20th century. Taken a step further, you could read this as the Grieco virus being a symptom of modernity, as Tolkien’s work was largely influenced by the events of the Industrial Revolution in his native England.

1:19 pm August, 4 Douche Springsteen said...

by the way, thanks for the blue pear, boss. nothing like an unexpected mid-week pear snack to make the work day a little more pleasant.

1:20 pm August, 4 Captain Garanichode said...

Looks like a gay Kool-Aid man…

1:33 pm August, 4 Scooby Douche said...

Blue Pear….

Fuck yeah!!!!!

1:42 pm August, 4 Deltus said...

Blue Pear is almost salve enough to justify going through the abject horror that is TOoC. Almost. *glances again longingly at the mighty butt cheeks of Blue Pear* Okay, it’s just enough.

1:49 pm August, 4 italian douche said...

Blue and Orange are complementary colors.

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Therefore expect Blue Pear to show up hugged to the Orangeman soon.

2:30 pm August, 4 Wedgie said...

Peru just moved up two spots in the world rankings.

2:31 pm August, 4 Wedgie said...

They jumped past Brazil, who lost points for El Naranjo. Yes, that’s pronounced Na-rahn-ho.

2:36 pm August, 4 DarkSock said...

I thought this was Carrot Man from Homoslavia…hm, go figure.

2:45 pm August, 4 Et Tu Douche? said...

Hmmmmm Latin Pear, mid-week no less, thanks DB1.

2:58 pm August, 4 creature said...

that’s Rebobo, semen splashguard or Carnival

3:00 pm August, 4 massengill said...

I have a question for the HOH voting board:

Why is it that The Smearkat’s Anya is in the HOH, but Musical Cleavite is not?

3:28 pm August, 4 creature said...

real thing vs. phonets^

3:33 pm August, 4 Vin Douchal said...

C’mon Massengill, don’t get me fucking started again…. You know about me and Francine

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See, the thing about Francine is I live fairly close by her , as opposed to the plethora of Vegas and Chicago Bleeths, I have her MySpace addresses (alas no response to my friend requests) and could find a way to accidentally bump into her and meet her:

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Me: Hi there

Francine: “Ew”

Me: Y’know, I play in a band

Francine: “Ew”

Me: Are from around here, I mean like, the greater Fontana / Rialto / Bloomington area?

Francine: “Ew”

Me: I just jizzed in my pants

Francine: “Ew”

.

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When the old lady and I discuss each of our “Ten Celebrities You Can Bone With My Blessing” list, she always scoffs at my crush on Vera Jimenez and looks at me like I’m nuts when I mention Francine and don’t explain.

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Then she’ll say something along the lines of, ” Local weather gals, eh? What no Sharon Tay, no Jackie Johnson, no Lauren Sanchez?

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Not to mention that skinny little POA Evelyn Taft or the funny and sneaky hott Allie MacKay?

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Francine should be in the Hall I say as does my cockkenballz

3:51 pm August, 4 DarkSock said...

Orangeman’s so greasy his nickname is “Junk Shot” because he keeps trying to top-kill greasy holes with his junk.

4:42 pm August, 4 Horace Dangleballs said...

@ Vin—

Dude, just tell her you wrote a FUCCEN song about her that is available for purchase on iTunes. She’ll be on you like white on rice!

4:46 pm August, 4 Horace Dangleballs said...

Blue Pear,

You saw me sitting at home

With my computer turned on

With my hand on my bone

4:56 pm August, 4 doucheywallnuts said...

I call bullshit and a DQ on Blue Pear…Total photoshop job…

And I’m not just being a contrarian, but Orangeman is notta…sure he has great abs and is shirtless in a club with hotts, but i think his orangeness is genetic and with no other outwardly douchey trappings, notta in my book. Don’t hate him because he has tremendous obliques.

4:59 pm August, 4 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

Midweek Pear!!! Life is good.

5:09 pm August, 4 Steve L. said...

there’s just no end to Latin American hotness, is there?

just like there’s no end of orange doucheosity.

hey that was a totally depressing change of tune.

5:51 pm August, 4 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

I say introduce Orangeman to Carrot-Top and be done with it.

Some folks just deserve each other.

5:52 pm August, 4 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Syracuse University just called…they’re looking for an international flavor mascot this year….

5:55 pm August, 4 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Blue Pear is indeed a wide-body model and would look mighty good in the back seat of a Hummer. And posing before a group of my fellow live-model artists….it’s always fun to look around the room for all those “wet-spots” and bumps on the trouser flies…..

6:45 pm August, 4 Sir David Douchenborough said...

Is that Georges St. Pierre’s long lost older brother taking a vacation from his jobs as a Personal Trainer at Snap 24/7 and his night job as a male stripper in Montreal?

7:01 pm August, 4 creature said...

@ Vin… never really noticed before, but I guess all SoCal weather girls have big n’ juicy fake cans… thnx

7:14 pm August, 4 Troy Tempest said...

@Vin-

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Yeah – Tell her you wrote a fuccen song about her.

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Then she’ll get a restraining order on your ass and your wife will dump you and all you will be left with is pulling your pud to her pix.

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Aye – the web we weave…

7:20 pm August, 4 Bag That Ass Up said...

Eyebrow-less crazy-eyed bump-nosed brunette for the HoH?

Didn’t think so.

12:19 am August, 5 mr.reeve said...

Pear and L.A. hot weather women are enough for me to forget Orangman and go to bed.

8:13 am August, 5 Medusa Oblongata said...

I’m not one to complain about free surprise ass pear, so mind you, I’m not. What I will complain about it the amount of photoshopping on her. I’m under the assumption there was an ugly-ass tramp stamp under that airbrush nonsense on her lower back. However, she’s been painted over so entirely, she looks like a wax dummy from Madame Tussaud’s. But, that’s actually another fantasy of mine entirely, so I can’t really get mad about it.

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What the fuck am I talking about?

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I worked on a kid the other day that was as spray-tanned as this guy. He wasn’t so orange, when viewed under regular light, these guys look like the chocolate man from the Axe commercials. Anyway, when i was done with the tattoo and cleaning him up, I experienced a lapse in restraint. i gave him the aftercare lecture and then said, “If you get that varnish spray shit in there, you’re gonna fuck it up, so no more of that spray tan crap for three weeks.” He looked crushed, like a guy who gets called out on wearing a toupee. ‘Awww, gee, you mean you can tell?’

9:29 pm August, 5 Stephanie said...

He really should stop sticking carrots up his ass,for he is turning more orange.

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