Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Ask DB1: Girlfriend Corruption

————–
DB1,

I realize I am late to the party, but I just discovered your website and I am impressed by your offhand wit and perpendicular rants.

I am a little disturbed because I think my girlfriend is trying to turn me into a douche. I didn’t realize it until I found your site, since I have lived a sheltered life these last few years (I don’t have a TV, I don’t go to bars any more, etc).

Here’s the evidence:

1. She is always trying to put “product” in my hair.
2. She bought me a huge metal watch for my birthday.
3. She bought me some D&G cologne.
4. She bought me giant snorkel-mask looking sunglasses that fade from top to bottom.
5. She has convinced me to shave my pubes
6. I work out and am pretty muscular, but I prefer to wear normal clothes and not show it off while she buys me T-shirts that are a couple sizes too small.

What should I do?

– Douche ex Machina
——-

There is one, and only one, solution when you discover you are dating a ‘Bagtress (she who is not ‘Baguette, but instead, encourages others to be ‘bag).

Tie her to a chair and force her to watch at least twelve to fourteen straight hours of 1980s and early 1990s John Woo, Clockwork Orange Ludavico style.

When she finally acknowledges that Chow Yun-Fat is a supreme badass, note that he does not display any signs of douchebaggery as part of his badassery.

At this point, she will either see the light. Or dump her, and move on.

# posted by douchebag1
11:25 am September, 21 jonezy said...

how hot is said girlfriend?

11:27 am September, 21 DarkSock said...

Send her ass to White and Medusa for a weekend. She will come back cured. Albeit without nipples.

11:35 am September, 21 Eliza Douchecoo said...

she sounds like she is buying you a bunch of shit, if she’s hot hang on to her.
she wanted you to shave your pubes because your groin looked like JJ Walker’s head, don’t ask me how I knew that.

11:47 am September, 21 boatbutter said...

I think an uninterrupted run through the entire Pavement catalog is a more holistic cure.

11:54 am September, 21 smackdouche said...

If the girlfriend in question is the above Bagtress in red, then where is my Ed Hardy shirt? I’m making a kissy face and holding up a peace sign right now.

11:55 am September, 21 Vin Douchal said...

In the immortal words of Yul Brenner “Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can’t get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.”

11:55 am September, 21 smackdouche said...

And do you ever put “product” in her hair? If you answered yes, she’s a keeper.

11:56 am September, 21 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Nothing’s more comfortable than a finished basement.

If she’s hot keep her. At least she’s buying you stuff, even if it is crap. Although if her name is Kim and she’s hot, then dump her. Trust me. You will never get those 6 years back.

11:57 am September, 21 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Jeez I’m bitter…seriously though. Fuck that bitch. I’m skipping class and getting drunk now.

12:01 pm September, 21 mr.reeve said...

@Eliza Douchecoo, “she wanted you to shave your pubes because your groin looked like JJ Walker’s head” I can not stop laughing at that.
Douche ex Machina, Tell your chick to bring home another ‘Bagtress for some group sex, go all Peter North on both of them (cream pies) and move on. She might try to get you to start wearing v-necks and skinny jeans if you don’t shit can her ASAP.

12:02 pm September, 21 Wheezer said...

Do.
Not.
Douche.
.
Ever.
.
No matter how hot she is, you can never regain your dignity as long as she is forcing you to be choad. And then she’ll get bored with you and dump you for the next one she wants to say she “molded.” I mean that on multiple levels.
.
Dignity and integrity are not hard to have, but they’re hard to maintain when you live your life around the hott and she turns out to be a “‘bagtress,” as the Boss put it. She has her agenda and you can fit it for only so long.
.
Hit your local library and find a hott who won’t try to dress you. They may not appear hott on the surface, but they usually have their hottness smoldering within. That’s my advice.

12:08 pm September, 21 Wedgie said...

Assuming you have already hit that a requisite number of times, whatever that may be, it’s probably time to deliver the old “Come to Jebus” speech. Which usually contains the phrase “my way or the highway”. And is usually followed by said girlfriend choosing the “highway” option. Like a good boy scout, you must be prepared. I recommend good tequila, it always works wonders for my optical rectumitis (aka shitty outlook).

12:13 pm September, 21 YA said...

12:16 pm September, 21 DarkSock said...

Have you tried peeing in her butt?

12:23 pm September, 21 Nancy Dreuche said...

Um, whipped much? “She convinced me to shave my pubes.” What did this entail? Gun to the head or maybe the other head? Anyway, don’t change for her if you don’t want to, if she’s not cool with who you are why are you dating her? Oh wait, I forgot, it must be the hypnotizing power of boobies. Grow a pair (obviously you shaved your balls of too.) and move on to someone who likes you for you.

12:26 pm September, 21 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Assuming she isn’t a stinky pig chick. They are out there I’m told:

1. Let her put liverwurst in your hair as long as she washes it off with her poon.

2. You only get a big watch if it is a good one and you deserve it.

3.What the fuck is Cologne other than a city in Germany? What is D and G?

4.Send pictures of snorkle.

5. If she takes it in three holes and the boobies shaving is OK as long as you do not reveal.

6. Muscular guys have small weiners and like gay porn.

Already a douche.

12:26 pm September, 21 Et Tu Douche? said...

Interesting dilemma, I think this is second nature for most women to want to dress their man in an image they think will flatter themselves & impress their friends etc; Just tell her you appreciate the generosity and let her know that you can dress yourself.

12:33 pm September, 21 Antony Scrotus said...

It seems to me that she is trying to improve your look. Don’t be afraid of this. However, you have to avoid venturing to the dark side. There’s a line. Don’t cross it. And keep her, she seems nice. And by keep her I mean be inside her.

12:39 pm September, 21 Ol' Dirty Douchebag said...

I’m out $550 just looking at her. Because I’m a good tipper.

12:48 pm September, 21 Fatness said...

Dump her now. You will save:
1) Several thousand dollars in club covers and Grey Goose bottle service.
2) Your credit rating, as she will stop paying for this shit.
3) Your dignity, as you scramble to keep paying for the shit she insists you buy.
4) Your sanity.
5) Half of your future income.
.
There’s no excuse for douche, and there are a lot of hot women who won’t dress you up like some MTV Ken doll.

12:51 pm September, 21 One for the Choad said...

She asked you to shave your pubes = she wants to lick your balls. I’d keep her around for a while, personally.

1:04 pm September, 21 Eliza Douchecoo said...

I pluck my pubes, it takes longer but they don’t grow back as soon or as thick.

1:05 pm September, 21 Deltus said...

Did you show her this site? If she looks through this site, and yet still wants you to endouchen, dump her ass.

1:18 pm September, 21 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Once you’re fully douched out to her satisfaction, bang her girlfriend. Without her.
.
.
.
.
What? Serves her right, don’t you think?

1:18 pm September, 21 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

And by her I meant each of them.

1:22 pm September, 21 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

And when did Rose McGowan join the Big Brother Big Boobies organization. Is she performing some community service or something?

1:57 pm September, 21 Captain Garanichode said...

I gott something for this Hott!

2:01 pm September, 21 Captain Garanichode said...

I’d bog snorkel her stale parts

2:10 pm September, 21 Sack O Douche said...

If you are the guy in this picture it is too late.

2:16 pm September, 21 Steve L. said...

Hong Kong action cinema is the reason that first person shooter video games were invented.
.
but if i may, i would like to point out that the Hard Boiled Hospital scene lacked Chow Yun Fat’s signature move. his signature move involves him being equipped with a handgun and a windbreaker. he would whip out the handgun super-fast-draw style and furiously swerve to his opposite direction at the same time so that his windbreaker would just swirl around him and stuff. and when he fires his gun, it would do all kinds of awesome things. that goes without saying. and of course, the entire scene would be slow-motioned so that the audience has enough time to process the awesomeness of that windbreaker swirling ever so artistically around Chow Yun Fat.
.
but y’know, i’ve watched more Stephen Chow than Chow Yun Fat back in my day. because the moral details of Hong Kong actions flicks were very sobering and a bit depressing, and my stomach was (and still is) kinda weak. so i preferred Hong Kong comedy instead.

2:18 pm September, 21 Condouchious said...

Women always want a guy to dress/look nicer but be careful if she’s trying to get you to crossover to douche status. As long as she’s hot and not too annoying about it I say no worries.

1. If she’s trying to give you a faux-hawk or jerze blowout, run. If she wants you to look less like a hobo than there’s no problem.
2. Is it a nice watch?
3. D&G is Dolce and Gabbana, which is designer and much higher up above the likes of Ed Hardy. As long as it doesn’t smell like bat piss I see no issue.
4. Unless they’re x-ray and allow you to see under the clothes of hotts…douchey
5. The upside is you can use these small shirts to practice ripping them Incredible Hulk style

2:46 pm September, 21 soy bomb said...

This guy seems alrig…wait.
.
The hair…and the shirt…and the chin strap. Nevermind.
.
Moving on to the massive rack, massive rack, massive rack. And a look that says, “I will suck your c*ck so awesomely that your grandfather will nut.”

6:11 pm September, 21 Troy Tempest said...

Dump Her Ass NOW.
.
She should love you for the person you ARE, not what her bleethed out fantasy demands.
.
And I speak from MULTIPLE experiences when I repeat this sad but all too often true cliche:
.
It doesn’t matter how hott she is – somebody somewhere is totally sick of her bullshit.
.
There are many lovely women on this planet. You don’t need to hang with a bleeth who takes her grooming cues from requirements developed by cheezy gay porn in the 1990s.
.
Shave your pubes? WTF? Fine – tell her to grow out her cooter and pits. Tell her you want a deep rug down below and fuzzy underarms. Seriously. If she won’t comply, then she has NO business telling you to do the groin shave. – because THAT my friend is fucking bullshit.
.
Dump. Her. Now.

7:27 pm September, 21 Medusa Oblongata said...

RE Darksock 11:27
I was thinking something of the like. Hell, tell Douche Ex Machina to come by, too. I’ll re-program him to like women who think farts are funny.
.
@ One For The Choad 12:51
BULLSHIT. If she was not doing the other stuff on the list of complaints, I’d say maybe. But this is simply bleethy demands for uberghey manscaping. Know what a real woman would do? She’d suck those balls in their full winter coat. Then she’d spend the rest of the evening watching TV with him, making funny clicking sounds with her throat while trying to work off some of those wiry hairs that got stuck to the sides of her tonsils. And she’d do it because she loves him and because she’s HARDCORE.

9:35 pm September, 21 The Dude said...

I know I’m not a douchebag, but in order to prove it, I haven’t shaved or bathed in three years.

Just kidding.

Two years and change.

11:03 pm September, 21 Wheezer said...

@Medusa, 7:27 p.m. –
.
If Mr. B. isn’t on his way to your door right fuccen now, I think there will soon be a line of ‘baghunters instead.
.
We’ll let Dicy go in first and then the line will probably form behind Scrotato.

6:54 am September, 22 Bag Margera said...

This answer depends on wether she truly cares more about you, or the clothes you wear. If it’s you, stand up for yourself and say “Woman! I wear what I want.” But if she’s not gonna stand down then it’s only inevitable before a douchebag walks into her life, and she’s forced to choose between you or this new Ken doll of hers, in which case get all the sex you can from her, and leave.

9:52 am September, 22 Mr. Biggs said...

Freaking John Woo.

I remember “seeing” this many moons ago. I collapsed at my friend’s house in Portland after a 16 hour road trip, they started watching this movie. All I remember was thinking “wow, that’s a whole lot of machine gun fire going on” while mostly passed out.

Of course, bagtress would think John Woo is just way too violent and into guns. ‘Cause she’s are peaceful like that.

9:55 am September, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Kick her ass to the curb right now. It always starts subtly. First a shirt. Then a little “product” in your hair. For when you go out on Saturdays. Then it become every fuccen day. Then the watch. IT WILL NEVER FUCCEN END IF YOU DON’T STOP IT NOW! She’s making a powerplay in the relationship. If you allow her to keep doing this you might as well start getting Brazilians and mani-pedi’s together. Then you girls can go out shopping and look for cute boys.

11:00 am September, 22 One for the Choad said...

@Medusa –

Sorry, but I have no problem with the groin shave. It’s the reveal that bugs me. Hair stinks, plain and simple. If guys expect their women to be smooth sailing, it seems only fair to return the favor.

The woman you speak of would indeed be hardcore. And to date, I have never met her. Are you sure she exists?

11:48 am September, 22 Army of Douche-ness said...

I was in a similar situation like that and i bid my time, calmly reminding myself when something pissed me off to take it in stride because it wasn’t going to last forever/i’d be “out/done” soon enough and if it wasn’t going to kill me, it was ok enough to get by…but not bend too much either.

In fact, i actually made her compromise a bit more than I did as time went on…for every demand she made i’d make a louder, more agitated counter-demand that tacitly included a cease and desist on her original demand, and then i’d raise her one.

now my question is this: I didn’t start sleeping with anyone else until it was completely over and sometimes wondered then and still wonder now why I didn’t considering my blaise attitude aboutthe whole relationship ( that was “caused” by her attempts at making me a member of “pop society”*)–

-would doing so have made me a douche bag since she was as far as I knew monogamous to me despite attempting to make me a DB?

Or, is it douche-baggery to even at some point think “I might as well just start sleeping with someone else, whether competely to end this mess or just on the side” ?

* remember the scene in Last Tango in Paris where Jeanne talks about Pop Marriage whereas love isn’t “pop” ? i sometimes feel like DB cultiure could be labeled Pop Society.

My other question is, why didn’t I?

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