Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Ask DB1: Office Worker ‘Bags?

———
DB1,

Having read your book and being a loyal follower, I am committed to doing whatever I can to stop the douche virus from spreading.

I’m a software consultant and work with a lot of different companies. Increasingly, I’ve been detecting the douche aura in places you wouldn’t typically expect to find them. My question is this: Does talking douche qualify one as a douche even if other symptoms aren’t present?

They learn that GuidoTan and Ed Hardy won’t get them anywhere in the office, so, because of their mental deficiencies they can’t simply adapt.They’re still douchey at the core and if you look – you’ll always find other symptoms – off colored dress shirts, obnoxious belts, overly done hairstyles, Magnum Station wagons for their vehicles.

What do you say great DB1?

Can the virus mutate and if so – has it infected the lower levels of corporate America? While everyone was looking at Jersey Shore, I believe the virus has infected a significant portion of the landscape.

— Evil Devil Cuckoo of Anti-Douche

—–

What you’re describing, EDCoAD, is “Performative Douchebaggery.” This is where ‘bag tagging roots in performance rather than body or clothing style.

Officebags most certainly exist, but are far more elusive to tag in the wild, and very difficult in pics. But no so difficult in pics of blondes with great smiles and gnawable shoulder suckle.

# posted by douchebag1
12:04 pm September, 14 Wedgie said...

If there is any doubt, then they are douchebags. Always err on the side of caution, just like Darksock does when driving his boat at night.
Wait…….what?

12:05 pm September, 14 Blinded by the Shite said...

Does blondie have gnawable shoulder suckle. It’s hard to tell. But probably, yes.

12:05 pm September, 14 Blinded by the Shite said...

Suckle, suckle, suckle.

12:08 pm September, 14 douche bagel said...

i got me an avatar…. in the words of the great master P “uhhhhh”

this guys face needs to meet my knee
this girl needs to meet my baby arm

12:23 pm September, 14 Vin Douchal said...

On a related note,
.
I started rehab for my rebuilt Zombie Full Moon Killer bicep this morning.
.
Question: “What does having a lubed mop handled repeated thrust up my ass and having a large Grandmama Addams looking gal take off my shoes and suck my socks until they are unrecognizable puddles of goo have to do with my biceps?
.
I better re-check the address for next week.

12:29 pm September, 14 chaserofthehott said...

We’ve had a few of these in my office. I find mocking them repeatedly right to their face helps. Also, I send links to this site and reference clothing items, hand gestures, hair styles, ect. I’ve ran off two that felt unwelcome.
.
.
.
Hey, can I get some kind of award for that? I really just realized my achievement! At least I’m pretty sure they left because they felt that they didn’t “fit in” in my department. Strange, the rest of us are a real tight knit group. 🙂

12:33 pm September, 14 Medusa Oblongata said...

Douche is sinister. When even nerds are douching it up, we’re all in trouble. I’m even madder ’cause I really like nerdy dudes.

12:47 pm September, 14 YA said...

Isn’t one of the douche archetypes that of a “call center office douche”, always with a bluetooth earpiece?
That type of ‘bag appears in the famous “WE ARE DOUCHEBAGS” video.

12:56 pm September, 14 douche bagel said...

vin D
i don’t know what the hell you just said but it was funny

1:20 pm September, 14 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

Spotting the office ‘bag really isn’t that hard to the trained eye. Some tips: Dress socks with jeans on casual Friday, face pubes if your company allows, excessive side saddling, douche aura, excessive yet subtle hair product, and/or the proud ownership of a Kia, Scion, Hyundai, Cooper Mini, Prius, or Focus. And by ownership, I mean still has 4 or more years of the monthly $80 payments.

2:10 pm September, 14 Baron Von Goolo said...

Between Library Hott and this delectable siren’s coquettish smile, I have to take a break from building this Museum of Horrors to hide my IHHB.
.
See, cuz my office is a haunted house. GEDDIT??? **wink wink**

3:45 pm September, 14 tall guy said...

I’m glad EDCoAD brought this distressing situation to the attention of the World’s premier fighters of douche. The infiltration of douche spreads far and wide in my part of the world. So much so that if one doesn’t guard against the taint continually one is in danger of (a) not noticing it (b) becoming douche by osmosis. Never give up. Never stop the mock.

3:51 pm September, 14 OMFUG said...

Know what mark of the douche is ripe for a comeback? That shiny forehead sweat vertical light-streak reflection from the bridge of the nose on up thingy. Wot was that called again? I associate it hard liquor cocktails mixed with energy drinks, but a plain old “I’m glad to be alive, sweaty, shirtless and borderline retarded in this bar” vibe would do just as well. Or herbal X.

7:56 pm September, 14 Steve L. said...

if you can fin priests molesting little boys, you can find douchebaggery anywhere.

boy am i glad that the Vatican doesn’t issue deadly fatwas.

9:36 pm September, 14 DoucheBigue said...

that douche is toxic – the contrast of the pure smiley gnawable cute blondie enjoying her time in all simplicity with the angry lame douche is hardly bearable (try hiding the douche and for a scary effect, unhide it suddenly….)

10:01 pm September, 14 Steve L. said...

@ myself 7:56 PM,
if you can finD priests
i’d rather not fin priests, whatever that means.

10:29 am September, 15 Deltus said...

Other marks of the office douche: always wears the bluetooth even when not on the phone, too expensive watch (not a SPW, but pricey like one), calls everyone by a nickname that they made up, talks way too loud in conversations assuming that everyone wants to hear everything they have to say. The list goes on.

11:20 am September, 15 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

And here I thought that it was easy for douches to throw “the shocker”. I guess he’s going for the reverse equine shocker: three in the stink and one in his own pink.

11:37 am September, 15 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Medusa 12:33

*blushes* I shave my head because it only has three hairs left on it. Does that disqualify me? What about Mr. White?

9:55 pm September, 15 Medusa Oblongata said...

^ Hm…..for you, I’ll let it slide. Mr. White, however, has a rather glorious mane. When we have pony play nights in the dungeon, he lets me braid it.

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