Sunday, September 12, 2010

Douchebaggapalooza 2010

Remember the old children’s story, “Stone Soup?” It’s like that. Only with a jacuzzi, a ton of bodyspray, and the lip herp.

This really may be the worst series of moving images since the invention of the Zoopraxiscope. If the Lumière Brothers had seen this in 1895, they would’ve gone into dentistry.

# posted by douchebag1
8:32 am September, 12 Justin said...

My sunday is ruined.

8:40 am September, 12 DarkSock said...

I can’t see shit.
.
.
.
Not complainin’, just grateful.

8:59 am September, 12 joey joe joe junior shabadouche said...

the “music” was a horrid mix of 90’s boy band and shitty white guy rap. those girls have no self-respect… not in the “rap demeans women and objectifies them” sort of way but the “rubbing up on douchebag wigga rappers cause i will do awful things just to be seen” kind of way.

it is a dark day for humanity.

9:31 am September, 12 Mr. White said...

I like how they mash up low-rent Beastie Boys with low-rent genero-pop, with about three dozen other nonsensical references to various corporate slogans, all to make a stunningly incoherent mess previously thought impossible in a “song” under three minutes. It’s like hitting random on a tasteless 17-year-old’s iTunes and then turning the power on and off as fast as you can.

9:35 am September, 12 Douchble Helix said...

If I was their age, I’d wanna hang out with these chicks, and them guys. I give ’em a pass.

9:35 am September, 12 08ArmyDoc said...

I just punched a kitten
And lactated

At the same time. It was very confusing.

Pathetic wannabe “legit” rappers. They’re an attempt at early Beasties. They need to move out of their Momma’s basement, shave that chinfung, toss the bug glasses, comb their hair, wear real clothes and stop pouring milk and 40s over their girlfriends.

9:40 am September, 12 G said...

ugh…what a waste of jacuzzi water

10:16 am September, 12 Arthur C. Clark said...

Lactate. Lactate. Prom date. Prom date.

These fucks combined annual incomes would not buy that piece of shit Range Rover.

But a great video overall except for lack of hott.

10:18 am September, 12 Arthur C. Clark said...

Q: Daddy. Why is Justin Bieber so pale?
A: There is no sunshine in the closet sweethart.

Go Patriots.

10:39 am September, 12 The Dude said...

I already had low expectations this morning. They are now shattered. Thank you very little.

Sucky sucky BOOM BOOM! I actually made it that far into it.

11:02 am September, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

Funny, I wanna take them home, too!
.
And chain them to a radiator in my basement!
.
And slowly feed copper wire into their urethras!
.
And burn the soles of their feet with cigarettes!
.
Stop fapping.

11:09 am September, 12 tall guy said...

Perhaps this is nihilism to them. Perhaps to everyone else it’s simply bored middle-class twats doing boring stuff. Whatever it is, this morning I can’t be arsed trying to explain it to myself. It’s like sometimes, it appears there’s no rational or logical reasoning for shit. It’s like arguing religious beliefs with someone whose own belief system is predicated on irrational or illogical reasoning. Similarly, its the same when people I know say to me that they see no douche in either the world or in any given bag (I point out). I’m like, dude, to be convinced that bag doesn’t exist due to failure to notice bag is just as bad as being convinced that bag isn’t a corrrupting menace in this world despite all evidence to the contrary.
I have a headache.
sheesh.

11:10 am September, 12 Vin Douchal said...

Very nice. Thank you Db1. It was as if Hemingway himself had commisioned Gershwin to compose music to his own very powerful words.
.
. And by compose I mean vomit. And by music I mean the symphony of a thousand blue whale diarrhea farts amplified through torn 1962 JB Lansing signature woofer cones while drenched in yak urine.
.
I’m going to put this one in the dudes just having fun category. Anyone with a $300 digital camera, a few mics and a computer can do this so there ya go. Have at it boys. Good luck with that series of shots for the tetanus you’re all contracting in that pool

11:25 am September, 12 Vin Douchal said...

@ Medusa
.
Bobby Brown Goes Down – Frank Zapp
.

.
Hey there, people, I’m Bobby Brown
They say I’m the cutest boy in town
My car is fast, my teeth is shiney
I tell all the girls they can kiss my heinie
Here I am at a famous school
I’m dressin’ sharp ‘n’ I’m actin’ cool
I got a cheerleader here wants to help with my paper
Let her do all the work ‘n’ maybe later I’ll rape her

Oh God I am the American dream
I do not think I’m too extreme
An’ I’m a handsome sonofabitch
I’m gonna get a good job ‘n’ be real rich

(get a good
get a good
get a good
get a good job)

Women’s Liberation
Came creepin’ across the nation
I tell you people I was not ready
When I f**** this d**e by the name of Freddie
She made a little speech then,
Aw, she tried to make me say “when”
She had my b**** in a vice, but she left the d***
I guess it’s still hooked on, but now it shoots too quick

Oh God I am the American dream
But now I smell like Vaseline

An’ I’m a miserable sonofabitch
Am I a boy or a lady…I don’t know which

(I wonder wonder
wonder wonder)

So I went out ‘n’ bought me a leisure suit
I jingle my change, but I’m still kinda cute
Got a job doin’ radio promo
An’ none of the jocks can even tell I’m a homo
Eventually me ‘n’ a friend
Sorta drifted along into S&M
I can take about an hour on the tower of power
‘Long as I gets a little golden shower

Oh God I am the American dream
With a spindle up my b*** till it makes me scream
An’ I’ll do anything to get ahead
I lay awake nights sayin’, “Thank you, Fred!”
Oh God, oh God, I’m so fantastic!
Thanks to Freddie, I’m a sexual spastic
And my name is Bobby Brown
Watch me now, I’m goin down,
And my name is Bobby Brown
Watch me now, I’m goin down, etc.

11:26 am September, 12 Vin Douchal said...

Uh, that would be Frank Zappa

11:28 am September, 12 doucheywallnuts said...

Forget the Lumiere brothers, would the Sugar Hill Gang have invented rap if they knew it would get this bad?

11:29 am September, 12 doucheywallnuts said...

BTW, is Southwest Airlines the official airline of Douchebags, since bags fly free?

11:42 am September, 12 Baleen said...

I’ve never had sympathy for a pool or hotbub but I do now. That’s how lame these dingleberries are. I feel sorry for the fuccen pool.

11:43 am September, 12 Redbone said...

Lactate? Really? Sweet Jesus, humanity is in the shit.

12:01 pm September, 12 skrag2112 said...

Thousands of years from now, when archeologists are digging up the remains of our civilization, they will find a copy of this video in a bomb shelter next to a mummified corpse with a note saying “This is why we fell.”

12:07 pm September, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Vin–
Thank you. He even hated douchebags and knew their awful secret.
.
Oh, Frank.
.
fapfapfapfapfap

12:25 pm September, 12 I douche, therefore I am said...

Sucky ball? At least they got that right…
Seriously though, this has GOT to be same kind of joke, right? It’s just so utterly ridiculous.



Wait, I just had a look at the “Making of”. It appears to be no joke after all. And even if were, it’d be a very, very sad one.

12:32 pm September, 12 Mr. White said...

Let me throw a few other pointers for them out here:
.
1. Girls don’t lactate for the reason you seem to think they do. Seriously. Look it up.
.
2. Nobody gives a shit about what car you drive. Or in this case, what car you borrow. Seriously. Stop it. Especially not Range Rovers with rims so big the wheels look like bicycle tires. Don’t do it. If you power slide into the frame in a 15-year-old Volvo wagon, that would actually be kind of awesome, and I’d remember it. The obligatory Range Rover or Bentley shot just makes you look like every other assclown out there.
.
3. Your beards make you look like sensitive “indie” rock troubadouches, not hard-ass rappers. You’re getting your cartoonish genres all messed up.

12:42 pm September, 12 Bubba said...

He’s gonna make me lactate?

1:22 pm September, 12 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Maybe he’s saying he’s going to ask her parents’ permission for her hand in marriage and their going to have a child baptized in the faith, and that’s why she’s going to lactate. That’s the way it happened with my mom.

1:24 pm September, 12 Wedgie said...

On a positive note, The Legit can make a lez straight, a lez straight. So an appearance on Rush Limbaugh’s show is probably forthcoming.

1:24 pm September, 12 Wedgie said...

^Is that before, or after they make me lactate. I forget.

1:27 pm September, 12 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Of course my dad didn’t so much ask my mom’s parents permission to marry her, as he did demand a $500,000 ransom to not continue violently raping her.
.
And I wasn’t so much baptized in the faith, as I was almost forcibly drowned in the toilet by my mom after she gave birth to me in a bar bathroom stall. And when I mean lactate, I mean she bled to death when her cell mate cut her tits off with a sharpened license plate.

1:29 pm September, 12 massengill said...

After the Bengals loss, this is the second worse thing I have seen today. Mr. White has already said basically touched on everything that makes this video horrible. At first I thought they were a bunch of Beastie Boys posers, then they had this Sum 41/Blink 182 chorus autotuned to the key of “Pitiful.” Who the fuck sings about sake bombs. That was horrible.
.
I did lactate though.

1:43 pm September, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

I’ll say this again, I would of preferred a frolic video at least I get a chuckle out them. Thank goodness it’s football season.

2:15 pm September, 12 Mr. Biggs said...

Now some would think I hate this, but I actually cherish it. It’s another testement to the glory of karma working it’s way to its inevitable conclusion. All the douhebaggery of the previous decades ncessarily works it’s way to this video.

2:27 pm September, 12 Fatness said...

I used to be intensely concerned that HIV would mutate to the point where it would be 100% fatal, ensuring the extinction of the human race.
.
After watching that, I’m rooting for the virus.
.
.
.
What?

2:36 pm September, 12 Army of Douche-ness said...

i love how it’s cool to look poor and like you bought everything you own from a thrift/vintage store so long as you have a few tracings of the fact that it’s an act and of course you actually do have money.

what happened to people who looked like punks actually being punks?>

3:49 pm September, 12 Troy Tempest said...

Wow – so J Rock hit the big time.

Know I’m sayin?

That video was one of the worst I’ve seen in a very long time.

I can train a sack full of ropey cat turds to do a better job of imitating intelligence than that moron.

The only way he can improve his intellect is to die and be reincarnated as a turnip.

3:59 pm September, 12 Wheezer said...

That made me Kaopectate.

4:01 pm September, 12 Wheezer said...

need^

4:33 pm September, 12 Dan said...

All that energy could have gone into something more useful like making a microwaveable burrito.
(sniff)

4:49 pm September, 12 Bubba said...

By the way, The Legit can have my prom date. She’s 38 now, divorced, and has 6 kids.

4:53 pm September, 12 DarkSock said...

Well, had to come back, and now I can see the vid.
.
.
.
.
Add that to the list of bad life choices, along with amphibious boating and putting the livestock’s hind legs IN the boot legs when peeing.

4:55 pm September, 12 clam fist said...

Those Got Milk? ads keep getting better.

4:57 pm September, 12 creature said...

I weep for the future… if we taser their nads, will they fail to reproduce? regardless of the result, can we still taser their nads… while in the hot tub? please
.
.
thanks to Vin for the Zappa, Frank always puts it into perspective

4:57 pm September, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

I had no idea what all the above ‘lactate’ references were about, I didn’t make it that far into the video. So I girded my bowels and waded back in.
.
“Gonna make you lactate?”
.
Seriously? …..You know, that’s not a sign that a girl is horny, it means she had a baby. Um….yeah. We don’t shoot dairy out of our tits when we’re excited. Well, Katy Perry can, but I’m talking about the other 99.99% of us. What. The. Fuck. And I thought men of MY generation were ill-informed of the delicate and intricate functions of the female reproductive system. I promise you there is not one girl in that video that has had a genuine orgasm that was not self-administered. And, uh, Suzy Bouncybutt….that’s gross when black chicks do it. It’s pathetic when white chicks try.
.
@ Mr. White with “troubadouche”–get that into whatever that comment shrine thingie is at once.
.
@ AOD 12:36—those guys got really embarrassed about being mistaken for dipshits like the guys in this video. So they got haircuts and threw out their dog collars and Germs t-shirts and hid in their houses.

5:16 pm September, 12 wonderdouche twin said...

What a waste of a good gallon of milk, oh makes me angry and you won’t like me when I’m angry.
.
.
I would rather……oh never mind.

6:18 pm September, 12 Arthur C. Clark said...

@Troy

J-Rock. I get it, Fuck off Mr. Leahy I’m eating a cheeseburger.

6:20 pm September, 12 Arthur C. Clark said...

Shit Puppets.

Conky.

Dirty Burger.

Alex Lifeson.

Sexy Patrick Swayze.

Raveeen.

6:43 pm September, 12 Nancy Dreuche said...

As a result of watching that video I have lost my ability to lactate on command. Goddamn it, now what am I supposed to put in my coffee?

7:20 pm September, 12 Stephanie said...

I peed and shat in their pool before they got there for the shoot.

7:26 pm September, 12 Douchble Helix said...

J-Roc, no?

Shit Fuck Stack. It’s on youtbe.

7:37 pm September, 12 Douchelips said...

OK seriously…I’m askin’
.
Is this for real? Meaning do these guys think they are genuine rappers who live a blinged-out existence? Or did they just make a video for laughs.
.
The music is horrible 90’s era white boy crap with auto-tune and the images are just rap cliches. And the girls aren’t even that hot.
.
So tell me, is this for real? Or just a bunch of jerk-offs with a pool, camcorder, and editing software?

7:42 pm September, 12 Arthur C. Clark said...

Douchble Helix is a combination of tranny hater, Stackhouse groupie coocck lover, and illiterate trailer park outcast. It is on youtbe.

7:50 pm September, 12 DarkSock said...

Somebody’s parents are going to be pissed.
.
.
Lyle and Erik Menedez’s parents were the lucky ones; they’re not suffering anymore

7:57 pm September, 12 all bagged out said...

What the hell is this ?? This must be a joke, a satire ,directed by Christopher Guest perhaps ,maybe it’s a focus group trailer for a new Spinal Tap type ‘mockumentary’…(tears now dropping in to keyboard). Please ,this just can’t be real . What will I tell my children ? How will I explain how our society went from The Beatles to this wankery ? And who invented the fuccen autotuner anyway ? Let’s get him..yeah..make him listen to Frank Sinatra or Elvis or you know…like..a singer .Yeah. I got nothing but a deep dark depression coming on here..apologies ,but this is too serious for douche-mockery alone to handle.Abandon Ship ! Abandon Ship I say !!

8:27 pm September, 12 Wedgie said...

Now that I’m lactating, anyone have a suggestion on how to make it stop?
I’m thinking Bic lighter.

8:37 pm September, 12 Troy Tempest said...

J Roc here.

Legit and his douchenozzle crew were subjects of derision years ago. On Canadian TV. Sad.

8:41 pm September, 12 massengill said...

I’m trying to get three other people to chip in on a Range Rover with me, anybody interested? We can alternate weekends or something. Since it was my idea, I get it for NYE for two years and for the opening of any movie in the “Twilight” series.

8:45 pm September, 12 massengill said...

Maybe they mean they will make women lactate because they will take them home and impregnate them. I find it unlikely that any of them could produce viable offspring, but, if they did, I wouldn’t think any woman would carry the child to term.

9:46 pm September, 12 Crocodile Dun Douche said...

Oh music… what did they do to you.

I highly doubt they’re rather dubious claims of ‘being able to turn a les straight’.

9:53 pm September, 12 DoucheBigue said...

In all seriousness, this “song” is probably the worst ever I’ve heard – and by a long way. (and I easily fall for low-brow music – but I don’t find anything entertaining or interesting etc. in there)

At least last week’s Chica Boom had some rythm to it – and the video had boobs and asspear!

9:54 pm September, 12 CBS said...

we’re thinking about this too much. somewhere in there what they didn’t show was a guilt-ridden and overly- forgiving dad’s credit card getting stolen, the video concept being written down 15 mins later on a mcdonalds napkin and the next morning the 3 key douchebags assembling with their separate parts of a song that has no harmonic or melodious continuity and is completely devoid of musical value.

we overthink these things and analyze because we have brains…maybe we suck…because while we are overthinking everything…these mindless shitrags actually created something…something that doesn’t sound quite as good as the diarrhea pouring out of my ass after a night of binge drinking…but still…they created something while we stood and watched. the least we can do is figure out how to destroy what they created.

10:10 pm September, 12 Johnny Depp Douche said...

This video is void of hott. And abundant in wigga douche.

10:51 pm September, 12 Steve L. said...

this video is lactating all right. and until my encounter with this video i didn’t know that vomit can be lactated.

12:01 am September, 13 Python the Pud said...

blink one-eighty-douche meets crappy eminem wannabe. why the hell is he going to make her lactate?? it’s like a motorcycle + three-car-wreck, it’s sickening but you don’t want to look away… sad thing is, ppl probably actually like that song…

1:54 am September, 13 Ross Douche Hat said...

Proper response to this video:

1) three heavy-duty extension cords
2) three toaster ovens
3) good aim

6:49 am September, 13 Colossus of Choads said...

DJ P is my fave.
Who’s yours?

7:30 am September, 13 DarkSock said...

These choads have made the HCwDB commentors just like Ireland during the great potato famine…
.
Lack-Taters.
.
.
.
.
.
sorry…

10:53 am September, 13 douche bagel said...

i was praying that it might turn into something like this the whole time http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvjDr8KKtsE
but then i realized they were serious…
fucc

11:00 am September, 13 johnny depp douche said...

Potato famine….. too soon pal.

1:36 pm September, 13 Blinded by the Shite said...

Got to remember to stop logging in here on Sundays once The Situation starts on Dancing With The Stars.

2:47 pm September, 13 Meloncholy said...

Auto-tune is destroying the world

6:17 pm September, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

I think this video actually turned me from straight into a Lez. Oh, hell, I was a third of the way there already, but still.

4:09 am September, 15 seo consultant said...

I love how they mash up the Beastie Boys with low rent with low rent pop-generous, with about three dozen other references to various slogans sense now that all make a mess incredible inconsistency thought impossible in a song in three minutes.

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