Friday, September 24, 2010

Friday Thoughts and Links

Your humble narrator reclines on his dirty rug and contemplates the waterstains on the wall.

Much like The D.J. Clownscrote Twins, hanging in their basement and attempting to impress Stephanie, if you stare at HCwDB toxicity long enough, they begin to spell out universal truths on their collective abdomens.

Like the fact that no matter how hott a hott chick is, she still has to pee. Or the realization that nectarines are simply angry plums that failed the GRE and have to take remedial courses next summer.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: Life clocks are a lie! Carousel is a lie! THERE IS NO RENEWAL!

Eagle eyed reader Johnny Depp Douche tagged a ‘bag license plate on the way to work.

There are many important moments in the 1980s teen sex comedy oeuvre. None are more important than the Zapped fart.

Fellow ‘bag hunters, we must fight harder. We may be losing the war.

More from Douchebaggapalooza 2010: Nickelback and Buckcherry, together in scrote.

Yankee Caps and crime. Like a horse and carriage.

Scientists develop Spray-On Clothing. Important medical development or next-gen douche tool?

Speaking of giant vagina creatures in modern Hollywood action films, is there anything more amusing than Brendan Frasier getting attacked by giant vagina plants in Journey to the Center of the Earth? It’s like a small dose of visualized Freudian theory in the middle of PG-13 wasteland.

The Legend of Gator Face. Not quite what I was expecting.

Luxury Laces. For when douchebags need something else to overspend their parents money on.

This week in Hot Semitic Librarian future ex-wife of the DB1: Michelle Trachtenberg. Mmmm.

But enough about Hot Semitic Librarian types. You know what you came for. And here it is:

PoisonOakJeansPear.

Go forth. Go forth and scratch upon this Friday eve. Your humble narrator will be here tomorrow with more mock and more hotts for your approval.

# posted by douchebag1
1:08 pm September, 24 scrotum pole said...

‘Bag license plate:
.
Scrotato’s GMC seen fleeing the burning hillsides?

1:10 pm September, 24 DarkSock said...

Lämp…………..?

1:10 pm September, 24 Wedgie said...

Fuccen Lamp, sleeping late again.

1:12 pm September, 24 Wedgie said...

Now that I looked at that pear, my ass itches. Thanks, boss, thanks a lot. Regarding spray-on clothing, I’ve been doing that to Mrs. Wedgie for years. I especially like the invisible spray on nightie: bottled water.

1:13 pm September, 24 Wedgie said...

^That wasn’t too khandescending of me, was it?

1:13 pm September, 24 melvil duchi said...

I got some calamine lotion, baby

1:13 pm September, 24 system of a douche said...

Mission Impossible, Wigga edition.

1:16 pm September, 24 sad karaoke robot said...

nickelback and buckcherry will never play through my speakers

1:22 pm September, 24 system of a douche said...

The Shituation shirt. For those discrimatory load recipients that favor concentrated fields of fire. Available in “safe” version as well.

1:22 pm September, 24 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Cool, so we’re all getting together at the Nickleback concert?

1:33 pm September, 24 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Luxury laces. If they came with a wooden dowel attached to each end I’m sure Medusa would buy one, wrap it around Lil’ Jon’s neck, and pull on the ends until blood sprayed across the room and he stopped twitching.

1:35 pm September, 24 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Then she’d floss her canines with the other.

1:35 pm September, 24 Wedgie said...

I hate to display my ignorance in such a public forum, but I am emboldened by our ass-kicking friend from Las Vegas. Will someone please explain to an aging water-logged ignoramus why Nickelback is douchey? I hate to admit it, but one of my kids plays their stuff on his i-pod, and it doesn’t seem all that bad to me. Did they do something scroteworthy in another forum, or am I off the mark on their music?
Please help,
Signed,
Clueless in So Cal.

1:42 pm September, 24 smackdouche said...

So that’s why I was itchy in my nether regions. Note to self, cancel doctor appointment, ignore burning sensation when peeing.

1:48 pm September, 24 Et Tu Douche? said...

That’s some serious Ass Pear!!!!

1:54 pm September, 24 Blinded by the Shite said...

Spray-on clothing lady. I’d like to cover her chest with something white and sticky of my own. YEAH!

1:56 pm September, 24 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@ Wedgie

Wake up man. I am the lead singer and we keep recording the same song over and over and over………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………and we are gay …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..with questionable facial hair and feminine hygiene……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………then we wax and repeat. Don’t play games with us man. I am on the edge.

1:56 pm September, 24 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Nice ass pear.

1:57 pm September, 24 Et Tu Douche? said...

Seeing Lil John makes me pine for the comedic genius that was the Chappelle Show.

2:01 pm September, 24 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I thought we were all foolin’ around until I got my new cable package this morning.

Saw all of the Hangover, part of Swingers, and the new episode of Entourage. Fucck off.

I am going to confession with Wedgie. Where’s Dicy?

2:09 pm September, 24 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

{in reference to the pic above]
.
Max. Push the button!
Ka-BOOM!
MAAAAAAAAAAAX!

.
Anybody know the film this comes from?

2:14 pm September, 24 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

The letters I “space’ PE do show up on Google as “I peed in a horse once.”

2:16 pm September, 24 mr.reeve said...

Mmmmmm pear. Now my weekend is ready to begin. Bring on the Scotch.
I say we all get together in Vegas for Nickleback/Buckcherry’s Rocktober Fest, we can all spray on some clothes and then try to find Vegas Scrotum Licker. We will call it the “”Bag Hunters In Enemy Territory Weekend”. Who wants in?

2:18 pm September, 24 mr.reeve said...

Mr. Head, The Great Race I believe is the correct answer.

2:25 pm September, 24 Blinded by the Shite said...

Hello weekend. Time to suck my own swagger. Get some.

2:27 pm September, 24 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Mr. Reeve
.
You are indeed correct. A classic film with an outstanding cast from when writing wasn’t a formula and Hollywood was hungry for original concepts. Natalie Wood. Tony Curtis. Jack Lemmon (in a dual role). Peter Falk. Some of the best.
.
I’ve got it on video. Think I’ll look for it on the way home on dvd, pick up a bottle of Jack Daniels, and sink back into the couch.

2:28 pm September, 24 Captain Scrote Sparrow said...

DJ Diddles and creampuff arent worthy of her hottness’ pretty smile.

2:33 pm September, 24 Wedgie said...

The Great Race.
Best pie-fight in film history.
Bonus points for having Natalie Wood in it; my young wedgie woodie was honed to her image on many a night. Fuccen classic beauty, and gone too soon. “Sob”.
Hey, but at least we get Lindsay Lohan.

2:43 pm September, 24 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Wedgie
.
Agreed. One of the best frozen mustaches in film history too.
.
To say nothing of Natalie’s corset.
.
Gotta go.

2:47 pm September, 24 Captain Scrote Sparrow said...

D.J. Clownscrote looks like the monkey trying to figure out the coconut

3:03 pm September, 24 douche bagel said...

i think the term “rocktoberfest” is extremely douchey in itself

3:09 pm September, 24 mr.reeve said...

Yes it is. And you know what else is douchey? Vegas Scrotum Licker.

3:36 pm September, 24 tall guy said...

Beavis on right (hat twist, stupid black wife beater) looks like a big stupid. While hot semitic librarian and Poison Oak Jeans-clad arse pears both look glorious. Weekend’s upon us. To add to my sprained ankle I now have a cold. I suspect I caught it mid-week, while waiting on a queue at the supermarket. Some douche in the queue behind me sneezed without so much as placing his hand over his face. What an inconsiderate taint! Staining the atmosphere with his airborne snot. I hope it’s not a strain of the GV I’ve caught. Tell me if any of my future posts become especially ‘bag-like. Looks like it’s a day of parking down at the beach and reading A New Literary History Of America and craning my neck for the occasional glimpse of pear. Could be worse. Enjoy your weekend, fellow bagsters.

3:37 pm September, 24 mr.reeve said...

And just incase any of you missed the updated version of Chica Bomb (the video with the hot chicks w/ wet t-shirts and a douchey Euro) Here you go.

3:45 pm September, 24 douche bagel said...

i would like to thank these clowns for reminding me why i never got a shoulder tatt. oh and sweet stephanie, there’s still time for you to make better decisions. in her defense, im guessing the pickens are pretty slim there in gary indiana and dj suckbeat here probably promised her younger brother a “dope track”

3:47 pm September, 24 Vin Douchal said...

@ Wedgie
.
Nickelback has four chords . If you know how to play the guitar its G D Amin7 D , repeat ad nauseum to inane discussions of gettting together with buds, teenage romantic angst and parties.
.
.
To improve on this form of music replace the “Amin7” with “C” repeat ad nauseum to inane discussions of gettting together with buds, adult romantic angst (best if discussed from a barstool) and parties adding a sprinkling of kick ass pedal steel and Telecaster solos on twangy tweed amplifiers.
.
The allure is the strong in each case. Nickelback fans are teens in the throes of puberty, country fans are drunk failures reliving their pubescent teen years.
.
.
President Toby’s best video :
.

3:49 pm September, 24 skrag2112 said...

Now whenever I see someone wearing a NY ballcap, I’ll be instinctively reaching for my Smith & Wesson.

3:54 pm September, 24 Vin Douchal said...

gotta close that “b” somewhere ^

4:44 pm September, 24 Vin Douchal said...

@ Wedgie
.
Then your taste buds develop and you scour the intrawebs for Dweezil Zappa vs. Steve Vai guitar battle videos
.

4:58 pm September, 24 Captain Scrote Sparrow said...

Am I the only one that agrees with Vin Douchal. I highly doubt that the mouth breathers in NickelCrap could even air guitar “Greasy Kids Stuff” properly…

5:02 pm September, 24 CBS said...

If i get to strangle someone with their luxury laces i will be sure to record it and submit it to the site. now we just have to cross our fingers and hope.

spray on clothing…brilliant if it isn’t breathable…goldfinger comes to mind and the gasoline scene from zoolander…get that shit in a humorous horror movie

5:16 pm September, 24 Mr. Biggs said...

Logan’s Run – never saw it, really need to.

Situation App – I fully endorse the unfettered spreading of douche virus to its natural ungodly conclusion. There’s a jewish prayer I like to repeat, “if the wicked spring up like grass, and the workers of iniquity flourish, it is only so that they will be destroyed forever.”

Nickelback – wow, $80 a ticket. Or, as the saying goes, a 12 year old girl and her rich parents’ money are soon parted with. Or is it parents of 12-year old girls and their money are soon parted with.

Yankee caps and crime – well duh. If you’re teaching your fan base that you can pay your way to glory through your ill gotten wall street gains, what else would you expect?

Spray-on clothing. Coming to a vegas party near you. Along with some indecent exposure and assault charges. Or do those charges exist in the state of Nevada?

Trachtenberg + Poison Oak Pear = I can go home happy now.

5:39 pm September, 24 massengill said...

Man, I’m trying to determine if I would rather listen to Nickelback and Toby Keith and it’s like some Taoist monk shit. I think I have to go climb a mountain or something and get back to you on that one. Fuck.

5:39 pm September, 24 massengill said...

Nickelback OR Toby Keith

6:55 pm September, 24 Nancy Dreuche said...

Easiest way to determine the source of Yankee Hat related crime, you ask. Well, Jay-Z needs to wear one of those Hotdog On a Stick employee hats. If Hotdog On a Stick Hat related crime goes up we will have our answer to this “Which Came First: The Chicken or Jay-Z’s hat?” dilemna.

7:02 pm September, 24 system of a douche said...

The Shituation shirt. For those times you need
a parking spot for your partner’s testicles. Available with pube shield.

7:14 pm September, 24 Stephanie said...

If the shituation wasn’t on some dancing show,he’d he 14 minutes into his 15 minutes of fame….

8:54 pm September, 24 Douchelips said...

DJ Clownscrote on the right is a TOOL. You can tell just by looking at him. Jigsaw puzzle shirt, tribal tat, and a dipshit look on his face.

Now Stephanie is a piece of work. She doesn’t think she’s a hott, but she’s wrong. I would traverse the Himalayas wearing one sock for the chance to nuzzle at the sweet nectar of her discarded sports bra.

Why am I surprised about the Yankees cap…the entire roster are criminals.

That Brandon Frasier clip was the cheesiest shit I have ever seen. Who decided he was a movie star?

And thanks for the pear. One of roundest pieces of fruit ever.

9:10 pm September, 24 Matt said...

re: Situation’s t-shirt–am I the only one who it makes recall Ryan O’Neal’s movie So Fine from 1981 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083099/)? Then, I may be the only person who saw it in theaters.

9:28 pm September, 24 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

That “Situation” shirt is a hilarious reminder of Mooby’s shirt back in the day-day around here.
MY suspicion is that shirt was designed for men who get themselves into the same situation as some women find themselves, barefoot and pregnant.

9:30 pm September, 24 drone said...

lord almighty toby Keith makes even nickelback seem cool. that chubby douche sings with a permanent duckface and his music is terrible. even for country music. that video should be in the running for douchebag of the week on monday.

9:31 pm September, 24 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Poison Oak Asspear reminds me of Daisy Mae after L’il Abner had some fun with her.

9:41 pm September, 24 Wedgie said...

@Vin:

Thanks; those were both treats. Joe Satriani could hold his own with Dweezil & Steve. Nobody can hold their own with Toby.

10:39 pm September, 24 Vin Douchal said...

Hadji and pals do not like Nickelback
.

11:31 pm September, 24 Vegas Ass Kicker said...

If you all losrs had a life you would know not to step to da masta of all. I am da man…………….

11:46 pm September, 24 tall guy said...

No, you are Vegas Arse Licker.

1:03 am September, 25 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

@ Vin

Hadji and pals prob like Maroon 5. Good golly let’s get some curry!

7:21 am September, 25 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

@Vegas Ass Licker

You’re not the man, you’re a steaming pile.

However, you’re right about now wanting to step into you. Who wants to step into a pile of crap?

8:06 am September, 25 Sack O Douche said...

Mmmmm pear. That is nice cheek reveal.
Man I am hung over pretty good. That helped a little. “Research” time.

8:19 am September, 25 Troy Tempest said...

The NEXT TREND IN DOUCHERY:

The Double Moustache.

http://picstexted.com/view/mobile-phone-pics/1032

8:52 am September, 25 Troy Tempest said...

Satriani, Dweezil Zaapa, and Vai?
.
Pikers.
.
The real deal?
.
McLaughlin, DeLucia, and Coryell:

.
They pretty much wipe the floor with Joe, Steve, and Dweezil.
.
And I saw the following tour, but not this particular show. The show I was at was the one that was used on CD – The Robert Fripp String Quintet. When they came on and did this, the hair on the back of my neck stood up.
.

.
And for a better trio, youtube for:
.
fripp vai and satriani
.
here they do a kick ass version of Red by King Crimson:

11:16 am September, 25 DayGloGuido said...

That “Shituation” shirt makes me want to cut my scrote off with a wood file and shove the resulting mess into my left earlobe running around screaming repeatedly
“Our forefathers wasted their meager, insignificant lives” “Our forefathers wasted their meager, insignificant lives”

4:58 pm September, 25 DarkSock said...

I love guitar porn, Vin and Troy; THX
.
Our little band, which we now call “Rust” because of our lazy ass work ethic, is finally taken off. One of the guys brought a woman he met at the gym who said she “played drums a little” to the last jam; little 5′-2″ lady; we rolled our eyes and had her sit on the stool to get it out of the way and DAYUM….I didn’t know you could cram John Bonham into a 5′-2″ frame……FUGGIT; now we’re setting up two drum kits in the jam cave (Which is my recently divorced fellow architect buddy’s $1.5 mil bayside pad). It feels good after setting the axe aside for 15 years to be in a band again.
.
.
even if I do get stuck playing fuccen bass half the time….

5:00 pm September, 25 DarkSock said...

He’s the guy who was with me the night of the amphibious assault on Grasshopper Island
aery
^not me…hard to find pics of Grasshopper Island online. It’s Biloxi’s Lake Havasu, except it’s full of boats and people who aren’t assholes.
aert

7:56 pm September, 25 Guid is Good said...

Can that Douche on the right possibly be as dumb as he looks? I’ve seen algae with greater higher order functioning than him. I can only assume Stephanie is there against her will.

9:11 pm September, 25 DarkSock said...

Having said that, Mr. Troy, while I appreciate Fripp as someone who has contributed more to guitar playing while tuning his E string than I ever will over the course of my life, he is Professor Rock icon; tiresomely overwrought and overthought. Trying to restrain the passion of rock guitar is like trying to muffle fucking. Dude could’ve spent his life wailing, like he did on Bowie’s “Scary Monsters”. Now there was some epic caterwauling. Why can’t he wag his boner on his own stuff? I guess he’s all about pokin’ the bookish whiskers; frumpy lunch-lady armed Velma-lookin’ chicks.
.
.
.
I’d do Velma over Daphne, though; anyday…hence my proliferation at this particular site.

9:14 pm September, 25 DarkSock said...

I peed in an Ovation guitar with shitty piezo pickups owned by a suck-up basement dweller with a bowl cut once.

9:17 pm September, 25 Vin Douchal said...

@ Troy,
.
Mahavishnu John McLaughlin in his prime was like visiting Valhala, Nirvana and an orgasm in a high school cheerleader sans-rubber at the same time.
.
McLaughlin, along with George Harrison, Hendrx, Steve Howe and Larry Carlton’s Steely Dan work were the foundation of my early playing. Alas, folks with that kind of talent are few and far between and I could never expect to reach the pinnacle of their skill set.
.
I’ve seen McLaughlin in live settings with both versions of the Mahavishnu Orchestra in huge arenas , on the acoustic tour you mention above and believe it or not at the freakin’ Baked Potato in Hollywood with Chic Corea , Stanley Clark and MIchael Walden on drums doing an acoustic jazz set about 20 years ago.
.

He is the most innovative musician that may have ever walked this gray planet. He’s a wack job , too, but, meh

10:05 am September, 26 Steve L. said...

Michelle Trachtenberg looks barely legal. but she’ll never get IDed for any reason because she’s hot.
unlike me, who still gets IDed all the time at the age of 26.

7:20 pm September, 26 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Scrotato 1:33
You bet your sweet yams I would. And I’d be yanking a third one out of his ass like an anal bead ripcord, spraying all in attendance with a fine mist of liquid feces, as I shrieked with laughter over seeing him die. Am I high, or are some of these laces made to look like rosaries? I’m not a practicing Catholic, but even as a lapsed one, I still take great offense to this. It would be right in line with the fine Catholic tradition of torture, rape and murder to give Lil’ Wayne such a send-off.
.
Nickelback and Buckcherry in the same place? Someone strap me with explosives, I’m going in. I regret that I have but one life to give for HCwDB.
.
If I ever, EVER, see anyone wearing one of those “Situation” shirts, see my above Lil’ Wayne scenario. Only replace Luxury Laces with rusty barbed wire and a knotted rope from a garbage scow.

7:06 pm September, 28 Allison Green said...

Lots of hot naked celebs here..

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