Monday, September 13, 2010

HCwDB of the Month

Bring it. Have some. Pie. Have some pie. Four couplings of hott and choad to make it this far. Only one may advance. Now it’s your turn to choose our next contestants at the 2010 Douchie Awards for HCwDB of the Year. Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn

Although the run with hotts is both impressive for its wide variety of hottness, and extreme display of suburban unemployed still-lives-with-mom doucheyness, it’s hard to say Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn aren’t longshots in the Monthly.

Still, it’s not outside the realm. And don’t underestimate the sympathy vote, since Bro was turned in by his Bro, Andrew. Witness the run: Brobag #2. Brobag #3 and Brobag #4.

Especially those saggy pants with ass bite in pic #2.

And Kaitlyn is what I like to call the Canadian Superwhite Teeth Hott. I don’t know what kinda flouride they put in the water in Canada, but their hotties have some of the whitest, strongest, most Aryan teeth I’ve ever seen. They are pure quality lickable teeth. And Kaitlyn may be obsessed with “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” because “Entertainment Weekly” said to be, but I wouldn’t judge her for that.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie

Tendon Ted is all that is pumped up, angry and Groin Shave Vein Revealed retched about Vegas Pumpdouche.

Ass Pear Annie shakes her moneymaker with fervent aplomb.

Together, they form a classic Vegas HCwDB combo, and would represent well in the Yearly.

And by represent well, I mean cause penguins to upchuck fishheads onto snowy frozen tundras.

And lets not forget Tendon Ted’s second appearance on the site, with Mutant Pea Nip Nathan and Sally.

That’s a strong two pic run. But enough to gain entrance to the yearly? Not if the next two couplings have any say about it.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: DJ Jerzey Jackoffsky and Jenny

From Vegas roid douche we move to classic Clubland Choadscrote, in the visage of D.J. Jerzey’s toilette hatt and the sexy, sultry, amazingly chew shoulder meritocracy of Jenny.

He is all that is $1500 to play Gloria Gaynor at the Schmidt/Leopold wedding at the Holiday Inn off Route 9.

She makes your poopoo do the peepee dance. And that goes for you lady ‘bag hunters as well. For her smile bespeaks sunrises and rainbows and crack addled ferret hump

But is this a real coupling? Or was Jenny just passing the D.J. booth on her way to the bathroom to get away from her BFF’s hookup’s best friend’s unwanted advances after the MMA fight ended prematurely?

Lack of real coupling possibility always diminishes HCwDB affect on the psyche. So that could detract. And then there’s coupling #4:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn

The favorites in the Monthly, but by no means a sure thing, Ambiguous Brothabag Edgar suggests Persian Blights by way of Let Your Soul Glo wrongness. Josslyn is barely legal temptation, but she will be a tempest in a teapot when she graduates college. Witness the run of Brothabag spectacle: Brobag Edgar and Josslyn #2, #3, Edgar and Josslyn who may not be Josslyn , #4, purple kissy lips and Experimenting With Plaid.

Yuchs.

That’s a spicey douchebag.

But then there’s the disturbing factor. Is Brothabag Edgar so noxious, so awful to contemplate, that voters will rebel, refusing to continue the mock simply so we never have to consider his reality as a semi-sentient being on this planet again?

On the Hott side of the ldget, Josslyn is a good girl, but is not the overwhelming sexy that we see in other pics. Does that detract?

Can the Brothabag who may not be a Brothabag take the prize?

Now I turn it over to you.

Vote for your douchiets/hottest coupling, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
7:06 am September, 13 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn FTW. Mostly because Josslyn commands me to vote for Edgar. Look in her eyes, tell me you don’t feel it, too! Tendon Ted told me he’d kick my ass if I didn’t vote for him, but I can not disobey my mistress. And Brobag did reach into my soul and pollute it with Axe, but it was insufficient. DJ Jerzey Jackoffsky? never heard of him.

7:09 am September, 13 Bag Margera said...

Brothabag edgar is the epitome of all that is wrong in the world of womanly bad decisions. Andrew’s bro calls him a douchbag. Tendon Ted’s tendon’s shrivel at the sight of him. DJ Jersey Jackoffski tips his jackoffness to him. He is Brotherbag edgar, and he’s going straight to the yearly.

7:16 am September, 13 RAPETIME said...

Tendon Ted and Annie for the win. They are society’s loss, a vacant black hole of endless days of dieting, flexing, posing, drinking and scenewhoring. They will die alone and unloved. Plus, here’s the kicker; I just can’t get past a pic of a guy who seems to have tree roots surgically implanted in his abdomen.

Honorable mention goes to Brothabag Edgar’s eyebrows. He does as nice a job on them as my wife does on hers.

7:16 am September, 13 Mr. White said...

Tendon Ted’s wankery is strong, but let’s face it: His chick has a nice bumper, but she is clearly rancid bleeth and therefore not really worth getting upset about.
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I can’t vote for Edgar, either. I mean, come on. He was really good when he was on My So-Called Life. Plus Jossalyn is clearly 13, which is even outside of my boundaries.
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That leaves me with Andrew and DJ Jerzy. I’m going to let the hotts decide it, and Jenny edges out Kaitlin. Kaitlin is flashing a douchebaguette hand sign of her own, which makes her fall far behind Jenny’s real world hottness. So based on chicks that I’m actually sad to see with douche, DJ Jerzy and Jenny FTW.

7:29 am September, 13 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

As Paul wrote to the Babylonians: Tread thee with head hung low uponst the douchey path to fiery damnation.
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That says it all. And Edgar is obviousy part Babylonian.
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Edgar FTM

7:32 am September, 13 ElderDouch said...

This is going to be a wild one but I have to vote for Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie.

7:32 am September, 13 McBagsworth said...

Edgar, Jerzy, and Andrew are all “fair-weather ‘bags.” Ordinarily, one of them might win, but Tendon Ted’s dedication is terrifying. For Ted, ‘bagging is a full-time job, yo. That’s why his horrifying canvas/physique have to take the win.

7:33 am September, 13 ehcuodouche said...

As much as I do admire the Brothabag’s “skills”, I’m gonna go with the DJJJ for the monthly.

Firstly, because I can’t look at that hat without running to the kitchen and making me some Jiffy Pop, and I love Jiffy Pop. Secondly, because Jenny is all that is right and good with the world.

Possibly some may see the “non-couplingness” in the photo as less traumatizing. However, if we were married when this photo came to light, I would be locked in the bathroom until Jenny gave me a full explanation as to her innocent wandering into DJJJ’s scrote aura, and possibly also a clean herpes test result.

Andrew’s bro offends my sensibilities in only the mildest fashion, and Tendon Ted just makes me want to go to the bathroom and pee so I remember it doesn’t hurt.

7:35 am September, 13 douchesquire said...

Broheim Edgar FTW. Its not even fair to the others.

7:38 am September, 13 boatbutter said...

There can be no otha, but Brotha.

7:40 am September, 13 melvil duchi said...

Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie

7:44 am September, 13 jk said...

I think this will be a close race between Tendon Ted and brothabag. But where Tendon Ted had to work hard to reach Platinum Douchal Status (and probably had a cerebral aneurysm or two along the way), Edgar just pulls his lips together.
Yes, there can be efficiency in douchery. And Brothabag Edgar can give lessons. Brothabag ftw.

7:52 am September, 13 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Do we even have to vote on this one?

I just got back from a one day trip to NYC to get some investors for Canadian real estate. Jews work on Sunday). Worked out fine but it’s like trying to get a knife from a mohel. Douchebag cental station.

On a related note I must offer a quote from the immortal David Ben-Gurion. ” Can I get a fucking knish over here, Oy.”

Zion Unite. Tendon Ted for breaking all of Moses’ laws.

7:55 am September, 13 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

And as I drift into ma drug induced sleep, Brothabag has no game, yo. Giants for the win. What?

7:56 am September, 13 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

When Martin Luther King Jr. memorably professed his dream that one day little black boys and girls would be able to hold hands with little white boys and girls, I don’t Brothabag Edgar and his learnings at the hands of suburbanite taint thumpers was what he had in mind.
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So let freedom ring from every cell phone, let freedom ring from the prodigious mounds of California ass pear, let freedom ring from the orange capped bolt ons of the Jersey Shore, and let freedom ring from every cracking of a ballpeen hammer off of Edgar’s skull, so that we can all sing in the words of the old Baghunter spiritual, “Peed at last, peed at last, Thank God almighty, in a horse’s butt we have peed at last.”
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Brothabag Edgar FTW, African-American hopes for a brighter tomorrow for the loss.

7:58 am September, 13 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

What the fuck was that Sunday frolic about? Maybe I am lactose intolerant,

8:02 am September, 13 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Mr. Scrotato Head

Obama needs your eloquent verbosity. You Sir are a patriot wordsmith and cabinetmaker and I need to go to sleep as soon as the toddler is gone. Grandma! Where the fuck are you?

8:10 am September, 13 DarkSock said...

Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn are disqualified on the grounds of underage gheybaggery.  I can’t even recall the names of the other two, not with Taut Tendon Ted standing there, flexing so hard his inverted asshole  writhes drying in the air like a dying earthworm on the hot pavement of fate.
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This is a self-starved freak who has worked himself into something akin to Auschwitz’s only surviving gym-rat.  My eyes have the image of his groin, which looks like Cthulu’s severed head shrunk-wrapped in beige Naugahyde, burned into my mind’s eye like the images of my first pong game into the cathode ray screen of my parent’s old wood-grained Zenith.
.
Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie for the win, and by “win” I mean live oak root field for a groin.

8:12 am September, 13 army (ret) douche said...

I was really hopping for some competition in the monthly. Scrolling through the pics I noticed the farther I got the more powerful the foul smell. Until finally I reached Edgar… For he is truely worthy of an apearance at the 2010 douchies. That is where the competition really counts, as it will be a terrible blow to the mock should a boarderline stage 3 take home a coveted golden douchie.

8:14 am September, 13 Wedgie said...

I would like to cast my vote for the Legit, because I can’t stop lactating. But that is for next month.
So, I will vote for my brotha from anotha motha. Mostly because I can’t grow a cool chin strap, my beard makes me look like a fuccen terrorist.. And I hate shaving. And the fuccen blades cost more than a good bottle of booze, even at Costco.
Fuck me.
.

8:16 am September, 13 Deltus said...

My vote is with Tendon Ted and Annie. Great bumper, but she is bleeth and not the hottest hott. However, all other choadstains are weaksauce in the onslaught that is Ted’s GSR’s unholy vein display. That and the rest of his adoucherements? Fuggedaboudit.

Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie FTW.

8:18 am September, 13 Wedgie said...

Honorable mention to Lady Gaga, the biggest douchebag I’ve ever seen. Nice try, but Cher has already done all that, loser.

8:24 am September, 13 Douche-a-lot Bear said...

And on the sixth day, God created Brothabag Edgar, and when he looked down upon his creation he pouted and made kissy lips. Can anyone stop the Edgarbag?

8:30 am September, 13 mehoff said...

Edgar and Josslyn

F
T
W
!

8:38 am September, 13 UFO Destroyers said...

Gotta be D-Triple J and Jenny.
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The sheer pollution factor is high in all pics, but the innocence that is Jenny leads to a greater dichotomy in polluter versus pollutee. It seems all the others of the female persuasion in the pics have already succumbed to the Bleeth virus transmitted through Greico contact.
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The pimple on the taint of society is only growing larger with an ingrown hair thrown in for good measure.

8:38 am September, 13 the douche is alright said...

Brotherbag Edgar

8:47 am September, 13 chaserofthehott said...

I have to go for DJ Jerzey Jackoffsky and my always lovely suckle they Jenny.
.
.
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Call me Jenny, I will allow you to bear my children. Trust me they will be beautiful, cause I make pretty babies 🙂

8:47 am September, 13 Condouchious said...

All worthy competitors this month. Andrew’s Bro has brought familial dishonor. DJ Jerzey has a face you want to punch so hard his grandchildren will be born with concussions. Based on his cold dead stare I presume Tendon Ted was sent from the future to collect ass pear by Vegas pools and, time permitting, kill John Connor (those aren’t veins, they’re electrical wires). But I’m casting my vote and a finger wag of shame for the swirling cesspool of ambiguity that is Brothabag Edgar. I don’t know if he’s actually a brotha (maybe Hispanic or Filipino?), gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that), or even a dude. I’m not even sure his hotts are of legal age. But one thing is very clear: Brothabag Edgar is pure kissy face, gelled up douche.

8:53 am September, 13 SonnyChibaChoad said...

BrothaBag Edgar FTW….flagged for excessive trips to the John/Photo-booth with the bleeths

8:58 am September, 13 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Justin Bieber for best new artist! If I could go back to to 1981, Terminator style with my Jesus-sized cocck, I would kill the Buggles and ass bang fucle Pat Benatar to prevent the white-bread, gang influenced MTV which is taking over the world one Gaga at a time.

Fuck off Taylor Swift.

8:59 am September, 13 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Taylor Swift and Def Leppard FTW.

9:12 am September, 13 Jeff Reed Towel Dispenser said...

Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn for the win (loss). My reasoning is simple: there is a chance, however unlikely, that all of these douches have some redeeming quality of which we are unaware from seeing the photos alone, much like our dearly-departed Pumpie. But for Andrew’s Bro, there is no room for doubt: he is pure douche, and was turned in by his own grief-stricken family for it.

9:20 am September, 13 Sorta Damocles said...

This is between Ted & Edgar. They spend identical amounts of time naked in front of the mirror. Ted is listening to Sevendust and pumping the shit out of some iron. Edgar is listening to Justin Bieber while bleaching his asshole and waxing his manscape.
Ted’s hot looks like the girl who took my drink order. Josslyn looks like the neighbor who took my virginity and hates her parents. Edgar & Josslyn FTM.

9:31 am September, 13 End the Haberdouchery said...

Wow, this is a solid month for douchery and another step toward the abyss for humanity. I will let my colleagues summarize the foul stank of each douchebag, and simply cast my vote for Tendon Ted because he always wants to be the iron when you play Monopoly. Fuck you Ted, I want to be the iron this time.

9:32 am September, 13 Troy Tempest said...

Tendon Ted FTW. Why? A utilitarian plea: of all the wretched scuzzballs pictured above, if he were to magically slip into another dimension and disappear to some wonderful world of GHB and Axe, his removal would do the world the greatest good – indeed, the universe would breathe a welcome sigh of relief, as if it had given a good hard grunt and merrily filled the porcelain throne on a good Monday Morning session in the Excremeditation Chamber.

9:34 am September, 13 Et Tu Douche? said...

B-Bag Edgar & Josslyn immediately get eliminated as geybaggery & accompanying fhaghaggery are not HCwDB material.
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I still don’t know what all the fuss is about Andrews Bro & Kaitlyn is all about. I wouldn’t give them a second look or thought.
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Tendon Ted & Annie bring that classic Vegas pool-baggery feeling similar to rectal itch. They go together like peanut butter & jelly or mac n cheese in that they were meant for each other and their ilk. I feel no venomous rage when I see these types just a sense of bewilderment.
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DJ Jerz Jagoff & Jenny FTW/Loss

I feel as though the term “Douchebag” is being thrown around, all to loosely these days, at anyone who comes off as annoying. However DJJJ & J encompass the ideology that is HCwDB. He is immediately what comes to mind when I think of “Douchebag” & Jenny is a Hott.
I agree with the Boss that we only have on pic to look at and that said pic might of been a chance encounter. When I see this example, whether in this pic or out in the wild, my blood begins to boil as I angrily & despondently wonder why is she with him, what childhood trauma caused this. In the future when budding Cultural Anthropologists are looking back on our lost society and trying to decipher the how the D-Bag & Hott commingling plague contributed to it’s demise they can look to this pic and write a thesis cause as they say a picture is worth a thousand words.

9:51 am September, 13 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Brothabag Edgar FTW. Thanks New Jersey, your journey towards the dark side is complete.

9:58 am September, 13 anonymous said...

Brothabag Edgar for the win (loss).

10:02 am September, 13 anonymous said...

Brothabag Edgar. Tendon Ted was close, and in any other monthly he’d take it easily, but Brothabag Edgar *must* go to the yearly. His horrific douchery more than compensates for his mildly-warm Hott.

10:02 am September, 13 justadouchalo said...

What is more mock worthy, being genetically predisposed to douchery like Edgar or spending hours in the gym and even more hours in front of the mirror striving to be a douchebag? Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie for the win.
I maintain silent hope that Annie is picking Ted’s pocket while he stares numbly at the camera and she spends his UPS deliveryman check on meth and fried chicken.

10:03 am September, 13 Business-Casual Douche said...

I said it before, and I’ll say it again: Andrew’s Bro has the potential for greatness. He reminds me of a young Lou Brock in terms of overall potential. Of course, Lou Brock went on to be a hall-of-famer while this guy’s hall of fame will either involve working in Daddy’s Insurance office after skating through college, or managing a White Castle in Gary, Indiana.

Andrew’s Bro for the win!

10:13 am September, 13 doucheywallnuts said...

Tendon Ted FTW. I thought Brotha Bag Edgar was a sure thing until T-squared came around. He has chunks of lesser-douchebags like Edgar, Andrew’s Bro and DJ Jeez in his stool. Tendon Ted is the stuff of nightmares; his stare(which somehow pierces the veil of his sunglasses), his nipples, his vascular lower abdomen, and anabolic appearance all make him a shoe-in for the monthly and maybe even the yearly. Bleeths have absolutely no bearing on this race.

10:17 am September, 13 Mr. Biggs said...

At first I thought, phew, tough month.

Then I saw Brothabag.

Brothabag FTW.

Cause the brothas gotta be warned.

10:19 am September, 13 Mr. Biggs said...

I mean honestly. If MLK had one glimpse of this guy he woulda walked right off the Lincoln Memorial and gone back to picking cotton.

10:23 am September, 13 THE Andrew said...

Andrew’s Bro and Katelyn. Mostly because he’s my brother and I want my brother to win. Or by winning, is he really losing?
These feelings I have toward my brother are confusing.
Brain fart… pfffft.

10:26 am September, 13 Vin Douchal said...

To: All four of you asshole douchebags above
.
Fuck you very much.
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Sincerely,
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Vin Douchal
.
.
P.S. Tendon Ted is a pseudo-hardass with the physique of one of those dudes that hangs with the grapplers at the gym when there’s no classes in the Pilates room . You know, the type that hammers the heavy bag, skips rope for impossibly long , does crunches with no shirt on and generally hangs/sweats/gets in your face if you are holding a dumbell wrong be you 17 or 70 years old.
.
But when one of the grapplers asks if he wants to scrap, Ted thinks of weekends with Ass Pear Annie. The way she makes him paint her toenails, wash her Mitsubishi Spyder convertible, go to Sally’s Beauty Supply for her cosmetics and while he’s out get over to the pharmacy for her IUD and Midol all for the occasional handjob in the shower that would be pulled off the table if he had a broken pinky or a black eye.
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Fuck you the most, Ted. Tendons are our friends but you’re making us a little leary of them parts that keep our bodies from becoming bone and flesh soup.
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So the vote is for Ted and Annie. I hope you both choke on a fishbone at a trendy Sushi fast food spot in a strip mall.

10:26 am September, 13 Elwood Blues said...

Brothabag “Heatmiser” Edgar has gone so douche-overboard that he’s using Pomade that fell from the Titanic.

10:33 am September, 13 Wheezer said...

Amongst the four contenders, I have to pay attention to DJ Jagoff. He has that smug look of entitlement (much like Andrew’s Bro), and there is certainly a strong pull that brings the DJJJ/Jenny coupling, one so strong that someday…..he will once again be a normal guy. Huh? Jenny is Ivory Snow hott on the surface, but she still wants a nice home in the suburbs, something she won’t get until DJ Jerkoff “straightens up.” He will eventually doff the Jiffy Pop lid and don a suit and tie to land that assistant manager’s gig at the local convenience store. Or she’ll dump his ass. Therefore, he just doesn’t have the staying power to be a Yearly candidate – I question his commitment to future choadwankery.
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Neither does Andrew’s Bro. Yeah, he’s a pretentious asswipe. But he’s young and with a brother like Andrew around to call him out, A.B. will either eventually shape up and wipe that look off his face, or Andrew and/or Andrew’s Parents will take a belt to him. “You wanna be a douchebag? We’re goin’ to have Nunavut in this house, Andrew’s Bro!” And that’s where they’ll send him if he doesn’t learn. Polar bears are willing to shove an inukshuk up his ass if he doesn’t. That threat alone should mature him.
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So it’s between Edgar and Ted for me…..hold on while I puke. Anyway, they’re both willing to be assclowns for life. Edgarbag’s attention to facial/follicular detail clinches this Monthly for “him.” Yes, his orientation and ethnicity may be in question, but his commitment to the scrotessentials is not. He will always try to portray himself as “gettin’ some tail,” even if it’s all a ruse before he decides to come out. Or he could truly be “bi-curious.” But the certainty is that while he is alive, we will never cure our dependency for oil; Edgar’s need for hair and other manscaping products has created the world’s 19th largest economy.
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As for Tendon Ted? Well, his overuse of Prep H keeps him employed. You know, dawg, it’s not everyone who has their groin/lower ab region developed to serve as the mold for relief maps of the Amazon Basin. That keeps him in demand, and employed. Maybe he’ll get a Douchie of some kind for that, dude.

10:37 am September, 13 douche bagel said...

brotha bag no doubt FTL.
DB1 you touched on an interesting paradox… BB is so douchey he deserves the monthly hands down, yet i hesitate to give him the win because i hate to prolong his existence. he is the proverbial hairball to be swept under the rug. send him straight to the bowels of the archives, the purgatory of douche if you will and please lets just forget he ever happened

10:39 am September, 13 Plowboy said...

Brothabag Edgar brings all the attributes of a douche-in-training, but he lacks the scrotal sophistication of Tendon Ted. It takes years of devotion to scrotology to get your body-fat index dipping below 1% thereby revealing subcutaneous details of the body that would make the publishers of Grey’s Anatomy (the book, not the show) drool. TT FTM!

10:48 am September, 13 Douchelips said...

There is no denying the epic run by Brothabag Edgar. In a world of scrote he stands out like an erect douchebag.
.
Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn FTW.

10:49 am September, 13 Dex said...

Disgusting factor?
Let me get this straight. You are telling me that Edgar has become such a potent concentration of douche, that you would rather be blinded to him? Shame on you, DB1! Would you turn a blind eye to this harbinger of the douchepocalypse? He is clearly the chosen champion of the lord of scrote, and here you are doubting his merit based on… the intensity of his merit? That’s a paradox the ridiculousness of which I have not seen since MTV ran Aeon Flux in the 90s.
Baghunters, do not be fooled into thinking that Edgar will simply go away if we ignore him. The hotts he snags have not the intellect to realize the sheer maliciousness of the contagion they allow to nuzzle them. We have a duty to make the world aware of this plague, and any of you who think that denying him his rightful place as Monthly winner, and hardcore contender for Yearly will cause him to fade might as well just go Tivo a bunch of Keystone Light commercials to watch on a loop. I can think of no better punishment.
Edgar all the way.

10:57 am September, 13 One for the Choad said...

Edgar in a landslide.

10:59 am September, 13 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Brothabag Edgar is indeed spicy and gross. He’s the douchebag version of those cheap bar “inferno buffalo hot wings”. It takes massive amounts of alcohol to stomach the mere sight of him, and his caustic greasy doucheness makes your anus burn like fire the next day. No amount of yogurt or lager helps this one go down any easier.

11:15 am September, 13 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Brothabag. No contest. Someone who is so addicted to the spray-on tan that guessing his ethnicity could be a game at the county fair is worth of the monthly.

11:22 am September, 13 massengill said...

Edgar FTW

11:27 am September, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

Sweet baby Jeebus, this is one awesome thread. Thank you, my fellow ‘Hunters, as I’m rather foul this morning. Yeah, it’s 1:15 pm, that’s morning in Gorgon Country, piss off. Anyway, beautiful work.
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I shall also drop my pebble into the jar of BBE, and by pebble I mean a veiny, coffee-forced bowel movement, and by jar I mean his gaping fish mouth. Brothabag has actually brought that tender little cupcake into his bathroom. He took her to where he pees and poos and showers, and put his hands on her little body. She may be underage, and he may be a gheybag, but she is sweet, unspoiled cuteness that is in grave peril. She has yet to become the skank that is Annie, she has yet to spend her nights in the bar, showing cleavite in exchange for appletinis like the other two. She is unbleached, unaltered, unskanked. And Edgar is wedging his greasy foot into that door and slowly prying it open. She has the farthest to fall, the most to lose, the maximum of sweetness to sour. That makes me howl in rage and chew holes in the drywall like a squirrel with a urinary tract infection. Brothabag Edgar FTW, girlish innocence lost to gel-caked hands and my faith in youth FTL.

11:30 am September, 13 Mr. Bungle said...

So let it be written. Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn will be the winner of the monthly. I’m pretty sure this offence to all species of man will also win the yearly. I’m making my prediction known now. And as for Josslyn being not a super caliber hott, I totally disagree. Her lips alone are designed to translate telenovelas to me as I butter her calves with margarine. (I’ve upgraded her from Country Crock.)

11:48 am September, 13 Mr. Biggs said...

Malcolm X actually had a chance to escape the gunfire. But he had a brief vision of Edgar and thought “f* it, what’s the point?”

11:52 am September, 13 Mr. Biggs said...

Brothabag Edgar is a direct result of Thomas Edison electrocuting a black man in his famous AC demonstrations.

11:55 am September, 13 Mr. Biggs said...

Rosa Parks actually offered Strom Thurmond her seat after hearing of the future birth of Brothabag.

11:55 am September, 13 Mr. Biggs said...

Barack Obama’s gray hairs actually come from seeing Brothabag Edgar on this site.

11:58 am September, 13 Baleen said...

This probably will make no sense but Ted is the one I would like to secretly dose with about five hits if acid while he’s crushing redbulls and goose at the Rehab pool. In fact, dosing the entire poolside one afternoon would be pure genuis. So, in light of that bizzare fanatsy, I vote Tendon “the Ent” Ted ftw.

11:58 am September, 13 Mr. Biggs said...

Chris Rock’s snappy racial comedy went into decline ever since Brothabag showed up.

12:01 pm September, 13 Jacques Doucheteau said...

In this famous image of MLK being assassinated, they were actually pointing at the coming of Brothabag Edgar.

12:03 pm September, 13 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Richard Pryor got multiple sclerosis from Brothabag Edgar.

12:06 pm September, 13 Et Tu Douche? said...

What’s with all the love/disgust for B-Bag Edgar? Did I miss something??

12:07 pm September, 13 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Michael Richards was talking about Brothabag Edgar.

12:18 pm September, 13 Mr. Biggs said...

Brotherbag Edgar is a black man impersonating an italian man impersonating a black man impersonating a white man. There are so many levels of mimicry involved in this look that you can call him whatever you want and it wouldn’t even matter. He is an abomination on a whole new level.

12:23 pm September, 13 Mr. Biggs said...

Which sucks too because I really wanted to give it to Andrew’s Bro, not just as a tip of the hat to the homegrown bag-tag (and away from all the stock club footage), but because he’s so douchey, and so infectable, and the hotts seem like they should know so much better.

But I can’t deny the Brothabag. Brothabag is the reason idealistic youth turn Republican.

12:25 pm September, 13 Mr. Biggs said...

Correction – he’s the reason idealistic youth SHOULD turn Republican. And I’m on the far left.

12:31 pm September, 13 Douche of Earl said...

Tendon Ted FTW. He looks like something I saw on a slab in a morgue once.

12:40 pm September, 13 CBS said...

brothabag is too much of a blender for me…it doesn’t hurt to see him with a hott as much as it hurts to realize that he may bring children into the world. a world in fact that is arranged in a way that he truly loathes, in that we are originally based in nature and he is some kind of alien hermonculus freakazoid on the inside. He is shit baby central and i suspect he talks to pieces of his feces in the bowl to practice for his logically unchecked nirvana where one day when he actually gets back home and does what he wants it will be to squeeze out bizarre life forms from his dirty anoose…probably big sharp ones because he enjoys the pleasure and pain. then the feast where he and his little ones will begin masochistic cannibalism orgy.

so his act is out of my running for being phony, he isn’t really human and therefore technically cannot be a douchebag.

as mentioned above tendon ted’s squeeze is not so hot as a total package..amazing pear worthy of bukkakesque load but not compelling enough for the theme of the site. tendon ted doesn’t qualify for me either because he may have a real personality underneath the front. he seems like the type who was shattered psychologically as a kid by either step-dad’s that beat him or a real dad that got caught in drag on the corner negotiating the proper fee for a midnight felch. mom might have jabbed his wong also. he is damaged goods.

so they are out of my running

jersey jackoffsky i think i love because he is such loser queerbait that i get hot girls off this type of moron all the time. he doesn’t know how to handle the hotts or himself in social situations when pressure is applied. it would be easy for any socially graceful dude to whisk in there and wheel his broads. he is the epitome of “just a friend”, in that she will be dating him for years, they will have shown up a the bar or club together, I will have just seen them kiss and yet when i ask her about him…that is her reply.

jersey is the greatest wingman in that you only need one woman for the hook up. just remember to buy her the drinks because she will be using his 20 to get the two of you back to your place. so because of his jester appearance and role in life…they are out my running.

I have to give my vote to Andrew’s Bro because he is such a faggot. This guy will probably never hook up with a guy in his life. He might even shy away from gay/ts porn. He has probably already beaten up some kid for wearing pink. But this guy is a true fag. look at that ass bite pic. i have never seen a gayer look captured through a lens.

this kid is UGG-LEE yet wheels all these hot broads, number 4 is kinda grimy tho. he has a bunch of different styles on display giving the impression that he leads a casual and balanced lifestyle…i think i hate that even more. this guy is the type of creep who tries to chat up my girl bc he has missed the point completely that they aren’t all skanks. a tru misogynist of the lowest level. he would cheers a new friend to a toast about date raping chicks and stupid nigger this and that. amazingly he wouldn’t represent these ideas himself but what a fucking coward he is to applaud it as an attitude for others.

i truly hate this douchebag and if winning puts him one step closer to being thrown in Hell then i would create 1000 more usernames to cast a vote and see this dirty feygit get his. this douchebag type is a walking STD and when i find out that girls i’m with have fucked him I am forced to dump them and get myself checked out the next day. he gets around wayyy too much. he’s a real problem.

i vote for andrew’s bro and also vote that we hunt him down and then feed him to Brothabag.

12:44 pm September, 13 Mr. Biggs said...

Well played CBS. I would gladly defer to your piercing insight on this. Like, I really wanted to give it to Andrew’s Bro.

12:59 pm September, 13 tall guy said...

Considering it’s a monthly, voting for me is somewhat clouded by what I exclude rather than who I include. Hence, Tendon Ted, though supreme bag au naturel, simply doesn’t warrant the elevated status of a monthly solely because that by doing so only plays into his neferious, egotistical hands (and protruding abs) thus failing to alleviate the suffering of those poor, blighted souls forced to cast a glance in his direction. Ditto Brotherbag Edgar, who after receiving so much exposure – so much of it unexpected, I’m certain – must now be so very pleased with himself. And as our brave bag hunting forefathers discovered in the dim, dark days of early mock: ‘show me a bag who is smugly pleased with himself and I’ll show you a real bag’. An existential crisis of sorts therefore develops when deciding between the final two: yes, it is essentially a question of who. But in truth it is a question about so much more. androgynous, mark-of-the-bag-marked face V subtly coded secular oversized sunnies together with the deeply committed glory of a slightly askew hat. Hmmm – these are the things, these are the things, the things that, err, nighmares, are made of… Yes, it’s an inward looking circle. One that, obviously, symbolises belonging. Equally obviously, if all the people in the circle belong, then all those outside it do not. Therefore it is the actions, though ostensibly meaningless, that become the ritual. And if a bag both knows, and participates in, the steps of a ritual the bag is, once again, asserting the he is part of the solution (read, problem). All of which means that, depending on your own views of the meaning of life, DJ Jerzy Jackoffsky may be what it’s all about. DJ JJ FTW.

1:11 pm September, 13 Eliza Douchecoo said...

This is Tendon Ted’s world, we are merely just living here waiting to die.

1:16 pm September, 13 The Baggernaut said...

Brotha ‘Bag Edgar for the win… I fkn hate his face.

1:25 pm September, 13 Chaz said...

Gotta go with Edgar for the thinnest moustache this side of John Waters.

1:44 pm September, 13 Crucial Head said...

Edgar, FTW.
.
Kitchen remodeling, FTGOMBA (for the guzzling of my bank account).

1:49 pm September, 13 Blinded by the Shite said...

Votin’ for a brotha,
O’er “submit” my mouse did hova;
Andrew’s Bro? what a schmo.
Tendon Ted? I see red.
DJ Jerzey Jackoffsky? plus Pretty Jenny?
Still, there’s always….. Ass Pear Annie.
F— it; why bother!
Josslyn and Edgar for the win!
Sorry brother.

4:59 pm September, 13 Arthur C. Clark said...

@CBS

You are fucked up dude. Put your housedress and tiara on. Take 50 blue pills and go to sleep.

5:01 pm September, 13 dbBen said...

I’m gonna go with Andrew’s bro. Here’s the thing, it’s this dude that is buying the product, buying into the image, and spreading the plague across small town Canada like it was a free tasty crumb donette giveaway. Without him the engine driving the plague would be forced to invest in MLM and die a slow death. We can mock the source, or we can mock the results, but I argue that both ends of the spectrum must be subject to scorn.

6:02 pm September, 13 Guns-N-Douches said...

Tough, very tough. It comes down to douchetributes:

Andrews Bro: Vacant expression, baggy lowrider pants, douche-point, kissylips and bottle pose. Douchetributes: 5, hott multiplier is a 3.5 (two good lookin girls, but neither is real hottness) so we give the bro a 17.

Tendon Ted: Unhealthy body fat percentage, arm fungus tattoo sleeve, GSR and vacant stare. Ted scores a 4, but ass pear Annie is a 5, so he gets a 15.

DJ Jazzy Jerkofsky brings douche hat, expression, kissylips, gesture and doubledoosh sunglasses to the party. The glasses score double points, so give him a 6. Just-passing-by-Jenny is a 4, but I think she is a reluctant partner in this photo, so she only offers a 2.5 multiplier. 15 for the DJ.

This brings us to Edgar. Chinstrap, guyliner, blowout, kissylips, iPhone self portrait, orangy-glow, purple lipgloss, drawn on eyebrows and for the love of god, makeup. Yep, I bet Edgar rocks some base… and not the musical kind. Therefore Edgar gets a head of the class 9. Josslyn and might-be-Josslyn are hot, but not double T hott. Bartender who hates her dad is a hott no doubt. So, hott multiplier =3. Edgar throws down a 27, kicking all other nominees asses and getting my vote for the monthly.

6:04 pm September, 13 C.G. said...

i don’t care how hard the other ‘bags have tried because Brothabag has his f-ing forehead shaved a quarter of an inch. he essentially framed his ugly face with pubey-beard hair to match the McBrow and the amber-alert mustache that subtly accents his DSLs. shit, he spends more time at the we-do-the-nail salon in the mall getting plucked than his girl does. “hold on baby, i wanted to get my asshole bleached, too. you got some money left – why don’t you run and get me an iced mocha while you’re waiting for me?”

that face of his makes my fists clench and my teeth grind.

6:42 pm September, 13 scrotum pole said...

Brothabag Edgar blends douche signifiers from several eras. Modern chinstrap, lip ring from 80’s punkers, and a hair style which was first made famous in the 30’s by Buckwheat, and later copied by Don King.
I’d gladly live out the rest of my days in a formaldehyde-laden FEMA trailer, subsisting entirely on salmonella-infected eggs and Mountain Dew, if I could briefly fondle a Zip-Loc baggie containing the dog excrement left on the lawn in front of Josslyn’s house.

7:40 pm September, 13 Battlescrote Galactica said...

Even though Brothabag Edgar’s femmy, Jersy blowout/Little Richard combo is nothing to take lightly and Tendon Ted’s soul-stealing glare eats away at my lifeforce with every glance, I must pass on them, as well as, ass-gnawing, Andrew’s Bro…

The Jiffy Pop hat, Kool Moe Dee/Vanilla Ice, 1990 revival of DJ Jerzey Jackoffsky takes the cake, as his smug look of self entitlement launches his douche aura over the finish line with mind-bending speed… DJ Jerzey Jackoffsky FTW Boss!!!

8:31 pm September, 13 Just Sayin said...

Edgar by a hair.

10:16 pm September, 13 Steve L. said...

Brothabag Edgar wants to win so badly that he will kiss anyone who didn’t vote for him with those triple-deep fried kissy lips.
.
no. seriously.
.
Brothabag Edgar FTW! *runs for cover*

12:03 am September, 14 wood dash kits said...

I can not even remember the names of two others, not with the end Taut Ted was there, bending so hard her asshole torsion reverse air drying as earthworms dying on the sidewalk hot destiny.

1:11 am September, 14 Colossus of Choads said...

My head says Edgar, but my heart says The Jerz.

The way he planned his ludicrous outfit, the radiating ‘tude, tea-cosy hat and the ultimate sin – shades inside – warrants an acid bath.

1:19 am September, 14 tall guy said...

Couldn’t agree more, Colossus of C, but it looks like it’ll be a landslide for Edgar. My only regret being that Edgar isn’t underneath an actual downwardly tumbling tonnage of large boulders that his probable win metaphorically suggests.

6:46 am September, 14 mr.reeve said...

Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie
Mainly because Annie is flashing some pear and after watching the “nice guy aka Gavin videos” I needed more pear to wash my eyes with. Ted is a Roidbag who loves him some him. Probably doesn’t even appreciate the pear in the picture.

8:14 am September, 14 Anonymous said...

EDGAROHSWEETGODMAKEITSTOP.

11:34 am September, 14 Sack O Douche said...

I say Edgar is a gaybag. So I can’t vote for him
Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie are the winners. Annie for the pear and Ted because he is a giant Robochoad Maximus.

1:22 pm September, 14 collosus of choads said...

DISQUALIFY EDGAR!
DISQUALIFY EDGAR!
DISQUALIFY EDGAR!
DISQUALIFY EDGAR!DISQUALIFY EDGAR!
DISQUALIFY EDGAR!DISQUALIFY EDGAR!DISQUALIFY EDGAR!DISQUALIFY EDGAR!
!!!!!!!!!111111111111

1:23 pm September, 14 collosus of choads said...

JERZyyyyERZ come out to PLAYYYYAEEEEyAAAAAAAAA
JERZyyyyERZ come out to PLAYYYYAEEEEyAAAAAAAAA
JERZyyyyERZ come out to PLAYYYYAEEEEyAAAAAAAAA
JERZyyyyERZ come out to PLAYYYYAEEEEyAAAAAAAAA
JERZyyyyERZ come out to PLAYYYYAEEEEyAAAAAAAAA
JERZyyyyERZ come out to PLAYYYYAEEEEyAAAAAAAAA
JERZyyyyERZ come out to PLAYYYYAEEEEyAAAAAAAAA
JERZyyyyERZ come out to PLAYYYYAEEEEyAAAAAAAAA

2:00 pm September, 14 Evil Otto said...

Although Edgar should be shoved under a train, I have to vote for Ted. You can see the taint slowly creeping its way up under the skin from his crotch, and for the sake of all humanity he must be destroyed. With fire.

2:43 pm September, 14 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie FTW! Why? He has that 1000 yard stare. Because he’s perpetually confused. About where his nuts went. And what to do with women.

4:10 pm September, 14 Bob Mcadouche said...

Edgar is still the most absurd of all the contestants. And his run of pics is the most toxic. Edgar FTW.

4:23 pm September, 14 where's that mothafucka? said...

.

4:30 pm September, 14 Meathead the Builder said...

Ted FTW and Ass Pear Annie for having a fine looking booty. Ted, join the human race and stop trying to be a blank roidbag. Too late.

5:59 pm September, 14 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

Brothabag is the biggest freakazoid since Michael Jackson.

Brothabag FTW

6:45 pm September, 14 soy bomb said...

DJ Jerzey Jackoffsky and Jenny For The Win. Let’s look. Let’s look closer. He is an absolute, grade-Z, f*cking numbnut choadwank. The smug lip purse/head cock, the played out douche hand gesture (#687? or #226. Can’t tell), not one, but two too-tight tee shirts. The poor decision bicep tat, the children’s sunglasses and finally, the denique factum, a crock pot on his dome. We’ve got a winner here. And Jenny, oh Jenny, how the Gods of Irony weave their webs! (310) 867-5309 is my number. Call me…

10:47 pm September, 14 Douche Springsteen said...

Tough choice this month. Raging douche coupled with hotts that are not quite out of my league. I could actually see any one of these women sleeping with me after a night of too many cosmos and me listening to them go on about how much they hate guys at their community college who just stare at their tits. As much as I’m a dyed in the wool ass man, I can’t bring myself to vote for Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie. And as foul as Brothabag Edgar is, there’s just a certain je ne sais quoi about the confluence of DJ JJ’s hat, sunglasses, and stupid monkey face that just make my fist want to come into contact with it more than any of the others.

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