Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Gator Forever

HCwDB legends like The Gator don’t burn out. And they don’t fade away.

They just keep pulling A-List princess hotts like Maira. As they grow puffier and puffier.

EDIT: This may, in fact, not be The Gator (jury still out), in which case, I dub thee, “The Hatchling.”

# posted by douchebag1
11:09 am September, 9 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Whoa, Gator’s gotten old quick. Who knew that Jäger bomb, hair gel, and self-fisting act as age accelerants.

11:11 am September, 9 Vin Douchal said...

The resemblence to The Donk is uncanny.
.
Someone should write a tune about Donkey Douche

11:12 am September, 9 Anonymous said...

That sure doesn’t look like the Gator…

11:15 am September, 9 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Unless Gator is a chef in either Los Angeles or Louisiana, it isn’t him in the pic.

I glommed the pic from here:

http://www.lookicookaroundtheworld.com/slideshow//LA-Chef–Steve.jpg

11:16 am September, 9 Jacques Doucheteau said...

I see he’s got his table rag ready, but where’s his apron? There’s a 4-top that needs busing.

11:18 am September, 9 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

If that’s the GATOR, he’s grown into Puff the Magic Dragon.

And yes, he really does resemble DONKEY DOUCHE.

Not a coincidence at all, in fact, predictable as hell.

11:21 am September, 9 Wheezer said...

He’s about ready to keel over. Yikes…..

11:21 am September, 9 Jacques Doucheteau said...

It’s not Gator, it’s some ex-DJ turned hack Italian chef Steve Martorano. Legit Douchebag though. The tribal tatts, six lb. watch, and orangocity attest to that fact.

11:21 am September, 9 Vin Douchal said...

@ CND

Yeah , you’re right. That guy has a douchebag restaurant in Vegas. How do you determine a douchebag restaurant?

11:22 am September, 9 End the Haberdouchery said...

That steady diet of HGH and human fetuses isn’t panning out like he’d hoped.

11:22 am September, 9 Mr. White said...

I have to agree–not Gator. From what we’ve seen in the progression of Gator pics, he’ll never have skin that looks even remotely this healthy again, regardless of how much he puffs up. At best, his face is going to look like a baseball mitt left out in the winter in Buffalo.

11:33 am September, 9 Vin Douchal said...

RE: Edit
.
Understandable. I thought this was the high school yearbook photo of Plinky’s mom

11:37 am September, 9 Jacques Doucheteau said...

And what the fuck is up with the whole “professional chef” celebrity craze? It wasn’t that long ago that the only people that worked in the kitchen were high school dropouts and ex-cons. Now kids go to college for it. College for learning how to cook food?! Something you should learn how to do from your mom before you move out?!! Please.

Now before any foodies get all bent out of shape and accuse me of not knowing what I’m talking about, I used to be a line cook at a number of gourmet restaurants myself. It was the logical career move after getting fired from Wendy’s. Since then I’ve actually begun to work for a living, as opposed to slinging grease around, throwing a couple chives on the top and charging some fat fool $30 – $40 bucks for it.
.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fun as hell industry to work in. The only job where you are not only allowed, but expected to get shitface drunk on the job. But any cook/chef who thinks they’re all that and worthy of some sort of pseduo-celebrity praises need to sober the fuck up and go back to their greasy cave.
.
Dishwashers are the only true unsung heroes of the kitchen anyway. I know of no other minimum wage job where missing fingers, urinary track infections, and regular beatings from drunk Japanese sushi chefs are all a standard job hazard.

11:49 am September, 9 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I wouldn’t want this douchebag washing the dishes and cleaning the toilets in any place I eat, never mind having him cook, touch or in any way have any contact with food I am going to eat. Something about the enormous “Yo Cuz” tatt on the forearm and his creepy glare caused me to lose my appetite….

His website is a tribute to douchebaggery.

11:57 am September, 9 CBS said...

Hatchling i believe bc the chick is a tv personality from toronto i am almost certain. the polish show…something Luzie…her name…i cant remember….ada perhaps.

amazing show for all of the right reasons although the show’s theme eludes me completely.

This douche and the next one (quickdraw dubyabag) both seem to have tissues of some sort in hand…homage being paid to the kleenex mafia perhaps? or is it the white flag of surrender? or perhaps still it may be clean up first aid for a nasty bit of herpes that they keep telling themselves is a scratch from the cat during that peanut butter mishap.

Chodscrapers like these two need to pair off and back away from the hott.

12:09 pm September, 9 douche bagel said...

him and tendon ted need to have a staring contest. winner gets fisted by the loser

12:11 pm September, 9 tall guy said...

By his blank stare and the strong connection to food something tells me he’s Tendon Ted’s slightly more successful brother. While TT scavenges the markets looking for bruised produce and cheap cuts of meat to inflict on the boarding house residents where he works, his brother entered and won a TV cooking contest by beating the shit out of every other contestant, producers and sponsors, and now commands six figure appearance fees for boiling an egg and lowering bread into the toaster. The sibling rivalry lingers. Rumours of TT putting out a contract on his brother at the boarding house persist.

12:30 pm September, 9 tall guy said...

Also, I am in total agreement with the ideas putt forth regarding the celebritizing of chefs. I don’t need someone to tell me how to eat. It’s something I’ve become quite good at since I’ve been doing it on a daily basis for so long a time.

12:32 pm September, 9 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

This fucktard looks like he has barely enough brain cells to grunt. I can just picture the menu now…

UNNGHH (name of restaurant)

Mujhnghg Munhght (appetizers)

ugnghtnmm
mcvubtgnth
mcuefbernmf
muugntnth (fucck if I know what they are)

RRRUNGHTNU (Today’s Specials)

nnunghnunogh
ngngnguguiin
ionhguitio
ioptngnjgujughg (all I caught was sea bass?)

MUNUGGHUMUN (Entrees)

(I’ll try to translate from now on)

Dickchowder with tarragon
Braized porch beef with AXE demi glace
Pumpkin shart soup
Rehydrated cabbage and stinky tofu
Sweetbread with dickcheese sauce and toejam
Kibblesnibbles (you don’t want to know)

Pretty standard fare after that (I’m assuming)

So head down to UNNGHH where family-style dining still exists.

2:10 pm September, 9 Chevy Doucherado said...

That ain’t the Gator

Thats Steve Martorano, part DJ, part chef, all douchebag

http://www.cafemartorano.com/steve.html

2:22 pm September, 9 tall guy said...

How’s that first picture in the gallery on his site? The one where he’s with two other dudes. He’s standing in the middle and is a vivid shade of orange! Sheesh…
Also, by the look on Matt Damon’s face, he attempted starter, main & desert. Big mistake.

2:33 pm September, 9 Wedgie said...

I miss the Gator. He is a favorite, like an old t-shirt.
But smellier.

3:13 pm September, 9 wireless g said...

Good eye CBS. It’s Ada Mlostek from

http://www.lookicookaroundtheworld.com/

what a sweetheart.

3:25 pm September, 9 Troy Tempest said...

Maybe her name is Ada. All I know is she is the most expensive first date. She’s so expensive she’ll be really late to the restaurant, then order her food to you over the phone, and a bottle of Kristal, and then not show up, then call all apologetic and tell you to meet her at some wine bar where she has you buy a bottle of 1922 Chateau Briand, guzzles it like GATORade, and then leaves you with the bill to go hang out with her “girlfriends” who are named Biff, Max, and Jim, and have the collective IQ of a glass of ice water.

3:41 pm September, 9 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

^ @ Troy
.
This oddly sounds like a date you had some time ago. Didn’t you tell her to get lost?

4:27 pm September, 9 massengill said...

Not Gator. More like “Goiter.”

4:31 pm September, 9 Doucheblaster said...

Its understandable DB1 could be rapidly losing sight after staring at douchebag after douchebag. Much like the sun the radioactivity of the douche takes a toll on the human body.

Def not the gator- Where is the #1 tattoo on the forearm?

and now i shall commit hari kari for knowing such a trivial fact.

goodbye

6:11 pm September, 9 soy bomb said...

Whoever this guy is, one thing is certain…He is a f*cking fat turd.
.
.
.
.
.
and I hate using the word “turd”, but this douche drove me to it.

6:33 pm September, 9 skrag2112 said...

The really sad thing, that is his happy face.

6:33 pm September, 9 MILLS said...

Thats not the Gator looks more like a New Jersey bull baiter, and i dont care whats on the menu I’ll have that little mocha in the background as an appetizer, main course and dessert! chocolate mousse souffle! yum yum!

7:00 pm September, 9 Steve L. said...

at some point bark-skinned reptiles all look the same.
some might inject silicone in their cheeks though.

7:20 pm September, 9 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Has anyne noticed this guy isn’t Gator? Wait maybe I shoiuld read the comments before I comment. Sky waitress! Sky waitrrss! You took my cupon where’s my godamm jackdaniels? Shit your own fuckn phone off ya pitchy voiced flying squirel

9:13 pm September, 9 Medusa Oblongata said...

I fifteenth the motion about celebrity chefs. The kitchen was once the domain of ex-cons and dropouts. Now any asshat like Guy Fieri is considered a celebrity. The guys at work all watch that Hell’s Kitchen show with that vein-popping maniac, Gordon Ramsey. And every farkin’ contestant has some silly-ass hair with fifteen colors and spiky shit and whatnot hanging off the tips, as if looking like a scarecrow is going to help. And if you’re doing everything right in your kitchen, you’re wearing something on your head anyway, not only to keep your fucking shellaced hair out of my food, but to keep your AXE-scented forehead sweat from dripping in there as well, so you can’t have that silly ass hair in the kitchen anyway.
.
I can cook. My mom can cook (sort of). ANYONE can follow a recipe. Sure, some people have more of an artistic flair than others, and have a knack for pairing odd flavors and creating something sensational. It is an art form. But we’re here for the art, not for the dippyfuck circus antics of the meathead who prepared it. As it’s been said before, “Get your bitch ass in the kitchen and make me some pie!” Jackass. My food blows away anything I’ve ever seen that fuckstick Fieri make on TV, and I’ve never even worked in back of house before.
.
Oh, yeah, and this guy in the pic reminds me of m grandma’s meatloaf…dense, flavorless and puffy. I’d like to see it covered in red sauce and by that I mean his own blood.

11:23 pm September, 9 Baleen said...

Say what you will about cooking but when you think your meatloaf “rocked’ the other night, you didn’t have to cook it while hung over and puking with tourettes ridden coworkers jacked up on coke weilding razor sharp shanks hand crafted in Japan while some gay maitre d is screaming about food allergies all while trying to push out food for 200 people in the span of three hours.
.
That aside, I am in total agreement regarding the rage that are reality shows featuring shoemakers fresh out of the Art Institute acting like they have skills and such. I’d love to see their shit get handed to them in some similar situation as aforementioned.
And watching Guy Fieri stuff his fat face with frito pie makes me wonder how many explosive shit stained pairs of pants he’s had to throw away. Fuccen gross.

11:31 pm September, 9 Wheezer said...

Even Matt Stafford said that isn’t the Gator.

12:56 am September, 10 Colossus of Choads said...

@ Massengill.

:-))))))))))))

1:00 am September, 10 Anonymous said...

@ Baleen
Add an extra 30,000 BTUs to the broiler station and 300% more to your three hour figure and yeah, I’ve been there. Got the countless oven, grease, and cigarette burns covering both my arms; the tip of my left thumb missing; and a nasty addiction to nigori sake straight from the bottle to prove it.
.
A couple weeks back I had dinner at Mario Batali’s Lupa in Manhattan, and ground my teeth as I watched the hippie-ass pantry chef fucking shred my coppa cotta on a $6,000 Italian slicer. I dreaded the carnage that would befall some poor fools prosciutto in the hands of this lazy-ass stoner dick. At least the homosexual server knew his regional wines.

5:03 am September, 10 iPad Case said...

I agree, not Gator. From what we saw in the photo development Gator, it will never have skin that looks even remotely this healthy again, he might be inflated.

7:57 am September, 10 C. Everett Koop said...

Anonymous is a tranny.

12:06 pm September, 10 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Balleen 11:23
.
I just married you in my mind. What do you want first, dinner, a beer or a backrub?

2:13 pm September, 10 Dividedbydouche said...

I go to the International Lingerie Show for work every 6 months in Vegas at The Rio and have to stare at this douche’s face on every wall while I’m there. Cafe Murderface.

2:29 pm September, 10 Medusa Oblongata said...

The only bigger crybaby “artistEs” than sculptors are chefs. But sometimes they get what’s coming. Oh, how I wish I had done this once or twice in my brief food service career.

5:18 pm September, 10 Stephanie said...

Funny face – it must be the roids. He works out too much,heads’ gonna pop.

6:21 pm September, 10 MoeDouche said...

Looks he overdid his daily dose of ‘roids for the week.

Blondie looks delicious but tainted…Damn you DB!

11:15 am September, 11 aldocella said...

He’s not the Gator. It’s Steve Martarano from Vegas. He owns a restaurant here at the Rio.

8:32 pm September, 11 Mr. Biggs said...

If Gatr burned out then this is his reincarnation from the ashes. Because douchebag, like phoenix, is forever.

8:41 am September, 22 John said...

That is not the Gator. He is only one of the best chef’s in Ft. Lauderdale and Las Vegas. If you can get into his place you will wait no less than two hours to eat no matter who you are. He has made some of the best italian dishes I have ever tasted. His name is Steve Martorano

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