Saturday, September 4, 2010

The Virginity Hit: September 10th

I’m pleased to announce that Sony Pictures’ upcoming The Virginity Hit is joining up with HCwDB this month to help get the word out on the film.

Having been a virgin for the first seventeen years of my life, I feel especially qualified to comment on this movie.

And while I haven’t yet seen it, the trailer looks pretty hilarious and I’m a huge fan of teen sex comedies. Especially those hard-R 1980s teen comedies that pretty much shaped Western culture as we know it today, forming the building blocks of our entire generation’s understanding of sexuality, gender and panties poke.

I’m talking nerds. Jocks. Boobies. Desperate attempts to score quality Ass Pear. The way movies were meant to be ever since Thomas Edison first electrocuted an elephant back in 1903.

Check out the trailer here.

And check out The Virginity Hit on September 10th. Support an HCwDB sponsor. And lets bring back teen sex comedies the way they were meant to be. None of that chaste “Twilight” crap. We’re talking penis and fart jokes.

And a fat, wisecracking best friend obsessed with the suckle thighs.

For that is when cinema is at it’s finest.

# posted by douchebag1
12:08 pm September, 4 Steve L. said...

losing your virginity at 17 means that life had been too good to you, DB1.

12:18 pm September, 4 DarkSock said...

Do pets count?

12:20 pm September, 4 mehoff said...

I was 18, so what.

12:23 pm September, 4 douchebag1 said...

If pets count, I lost my virginity at 13. Poor Rusty.
.
– management.

12:24 pm September, 4 Musicman said...

I was 20 when i lost mine

12:35 pm September, 4 Steve L. said...

so the other day i was at a bar with a couple other ironworkers. one guy showed us naked pictures of his ex-wife-turned-fuck-buddy, and that’s when i went berserk with endless questions on the dirtiest details of his sex life.

but the real star of that night wasn’t the man who turned his ex wife into his fuck buddy. it was his boss, a 26 year old virgin who sat back and asked me, “you’re just blown away aren’t you?”

well, as a 25 year old virgin, i don’t have as much virginity cred as the 26 year old virgin, but damnit I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE BLOWN AWAY IF I WANT TO BE. i also have the right to puke my way home if i want to, which i did that night.

when it comes to virginity humor, nothing can top what happened on that night in my book. because i’m biased like that.

12:50 pm September, 4 Et Tu Douche? said...

16 & 1/2, she was babysitting, did it on the floor in the living room.

1:10 pm September, 4 Stephanie said...

Does his shirt say Japan sells life size rubber sex dolls?

1:17 pm September, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

14 and she turned into a slut after she dumped me. And fuck off vampires, you suck.

1:23 pm September, 4 italian douche said...

I wish I was still a virgin instead of givin it to a bunch of fuckin douchebaguettes who don’t even know how to have fun

1:24 pm September, 4 italian douche said...

It’s better to fuck a one’s own mouth instead of fuckin’ a douchebaguette. Five seconds of pleasure for five months of pain and regret and dignity lost.

2:06 pm September, 4 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Only 6 more months and I’ll have a movie named after me… The 40 Year Old Virgin. See, it pays to hold out.
.
Granted, if they don’t do a sequel, The 41 Year Old Virgin, I will be going balls out to end the drought.

2:53 pm September, 4 scrotum pole said...

I lost my catcher’s mitt at age eleven, and never really got over it.

3:37 pm September, 4 G said...

I was late to the party – 18. I did have the chance at 15, with my best friend’s older sister…we were at Bronte provincial park in an old barn, and we start to get into the heavy pecking, when she reaches in my pants and lo and behold, I had a boner. Not to be outdone, I reached into her pants, and furiously rubbed to get her just as excited! After about 10 minutes, I got the tap on the shoulder, saying that I was chafing her pubic bone, and it was time to go home. All the late 70s and early 80s virgin movies still didn’t make up for the embarassment.
.
.
Some advice for you virgins out there – when you get to the mound, go lower, there is something that feels like raw liver…concentrate your rubbing around there.

4:12 pm September, 4 Et Tu Douche? said...

@ G

“After about 10 minutes, I got the tap on the shoulder”
.
The tap on the shoulder is such a bummer, I hated that when it happened.

4:35 pm September, 4 G said...

@Et tu,

Happened? Still happens…but what do I care, as long as I get off in 3 mins so I can sleep is all that matters.

4:45 pm September, 4 Wedgie said...

Funny how the story changes the older you get. Now with a 16 year old son, I fully weasel when he asks how old I was (16) when I lost mine. “Uh, you know son, I don’t really remember. Go ask your mother.”
Kid’s thinking, “Bullshit, you remember the color shirt you had on when you made your first ace at Palo Alto Hills as a 12-year-old, but you don’t remember when your cherry got popped?”

4:54 pm September, 4 Wheezer said...

It was the tender age of 22 for ol’ Wheeze – no worries, Steve L!
.
@MC 900 – no way, broheim, that sequel’s my life story!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Oh wait, you mean it isn’t called The 45-Year-Old Revirgined? Man, and here I was thinkin’ “Next year, bra! Next year!” I’m gettin’ my cherry back – you all watch and hatter on, hatters!

5:10 pm September, 4 Turdacious said...

Last time i saw pussy was the day i was born.

5:13 pm September, 4 Turdacious said...

@ wedgie
Palo alto hills on the peninsula?
Nice track!

5:18 pm September, 4 Troy Tempest said...

Some douchenozzle refused to be nice and shut his piehole during the US Open. So, the old couple sitting next to him told him to STFU. He refused and proceeded to yell obscenities at them. People called for security to remove the douchebag. The old man kicked douchenozzles drink over. the douchenozzle pounds the old geezer down the stairs. Security shows up, and they toss his sorry ass out of the place. Classic.

Watch it for yourself.

5:19 pm September, 4 Deltus said...

Fuckin’ right about the teen sex comedies, Boss! The way they should be. DOWN WITH TWILIGHT! Give me a Porky’s over some simpering goddamned vampires that don’t even burst into flames in the mid-day sun any ol’ day of the week.

5:28 pm September, 4 creature said...

do glory holes count?

5:40 pm September, 4 Turdacious said...

The king of all of them
Fast times at ridgemont high.
dazed and confused no slouch either

5:40 pm September, 4 DarkSock said...

What’s sad about the video Troy directs us to are the comments below, the majority of which support the tight-shirt generic gang sign throwing wanna-be-wigga, including a couple of “HE’S HOT” comments thrown in there. That little shit needs his urethra inverted with a treble hook.

5:41 pm September, 4 DarkSock said...

Do holes stabbed in moist earth with mop handles count?

5:41 pm September, 4 DarkSock said...

Do Pringles cans stuffed with calf liver count?

5:42 pm September, 4 night of the blue falcon said...

Gotta get laid in high school or be a damned 40 year old virgin! 17-18 is average for loss of cherry.

5:42 pm September, 4 DarkSock said...

Do Winn Dixie store brand mayonnaise jars count?

5:42 pm September, 4 DarkSock said...

Do, um, horses count?

6:00 pm September, 4 Turdacious said...

Anybody missing from here?, Darksock is here so scratch him.

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2002382718_horse15m.html

6:04 pm September, 4 Turdacious said...

Must be what the song Sex Farm was based on
Spinal Tap

7:04 pm September, 4 Turdacious said...

@ success
Look on the left side, plenty of worthless shit to look at there

7:05 pm September, 4 Turdacious said...

wow, whered he go
BITCH GOT GROUND UNDER THE HEELS OF ADMIN SOCK, LIKE ROSIE O’DONNELL’S CLITORIS AT A BELT SANDER CONVENTION–DS OUT

7:08 pm September, 4 DarkSock said...

@ Turdacious:
.
Couple of things:
.
1. That article assumes the sex acts weren’t consensual with said Livestock,
.
2. Am I the only one disturbed by the size-based prejudice in the article’s text: “Deputies don’t believe a crime occurred because bestiality is not illegal in Washington state and the horse was uninjured, said Urquhart.

But because investigators found chickens, goats and sheep on the property, they are looking into whether animal cruelty — which is a crime — was committed by having sex with these smaller, weaker animals, he said.

The farm was talked about in Internet chat rooms as a destination for people looking to have sex with livestock, he said.

“A significant number of people, we believe, have likely visited this farm,” said Urquhart.
.
3. Am I the only one that thinks the word “Urquhart” sounds like a pussy fart?
.
4. Peeing in a horse is NOT a sexual act. Merely one of inter-equine micturation. Perverts.
asdfasdf

7:13 pm September, 4 DarkSock said...

ASDFASHH.

7:33 pm September, 4 Troy Tempest said...

@Darksock
Do, um, horses count?
.
only to ten, buddy, only to ten.

7:35 pm September, 4 Wheezer said...

GREAT GALLOPING GOOGLESEARCHES!!!!!^^ WTF?
.
It’s “Whinny the Poo and DarkSock’s 100-Acre Wood”

7:44 pm September, 4 Wheezer said...

I’m serious when I say I’d like a peek at DarkSock’s keyword list.

7:59 pm September, 4 night of the forum faggots said...

Butthole Surfers album covers woo hooo!

7:59 pm September, 4 Wheezer said...

Looks like something else will be removed soon.^^
.
Sorry, Milo. We hardly knew ye. Oh darn.
.
right u r wheezeMiester

8:42 pm September, 4 massengill said...

Does your dad count?

9:31 pm September, 4 fatness said...

I thought the slimy oil leak was plugged…

9:48 pm September, 4 118 Ha^c'<---smokes cock said...

I sincerely and whole-heartedly love to suckle enormous Tennessee Mule Cock. Medical FACT.

    .
    No matter what I, 118 Ha^c’, post after this….let the above be known as the over-riding truth. My gullet is but a love-sluice for osculating beef lavages; mule-dick rip tides, as it were.
    I AM, HOW YOU SAY, SLAVVV, AND HERE EEZ MY PEEKTURE; I…HOW YOU SAY….COME TO THEEZ SITE TROLLINK FOR COCKKKK
    .
    AND
    .
    For every post after this point, the homo-erotic graphic transmutations of the original text will ONLY GET WORSE. Understand, Shit Ass?
    .
    Signed,
    .
    The Admin Posse.
9:59 pm September, 4 pink sock said...

Well isn’t that speshul.

10:07 pm September, 4 Doc said...

This troll needs to go back to school.

10:12 pm September, 4 DarkSock said...

Dammit Doc……
.
.
where u been?
.
Finally saw Goatwhore live…good call, sir. Fine young boys from NOLA.

10:16 pm September, 4 Doc said...

Just kickin Pfah’s bald head around and making sure BCS’s kid never sleeps… You?

10:21 pm September, 4 DarkSock said...

Just plug-tunin’ them Stetsons and Clydesdales…the usual.
.
Pfah’s wife ever………ask about me?
.
I will try to step up my game this September…but how was I last August? Derelict.

10:25 pm September, 4 Doc said...

she asks once in a while. usually after quizzing me about the weights of the tit-clamps that Jailrgrrl regularly employed. she also knows which facility currently holds Plinky but but knows that would offend Bleethluvr. Mine is a tireless task.

10:30 pm September, 4 DarkSock said...

Ahhhh Jailrgrrl….that takes me back…..what about that bicycle chick that was slumming with us? You dig her shallow patch yet?
.
We all assumed Plinky went back from whence he came…especially since there’s room for an entire living room suite in there now. And it already comes with a shag carpet!

10:33 pm September, 4 Doc said...

by “bicycle chick”, you must speak of ‘try hardest’ or ‘chupacabra’ or ‘mr. scrotato head?’

10:33 pm September, 4 Doc said...

troy tempest would fall a distant second because he doesn’t try quite hard enough…

10:35 pm September, 4 Anonymous said...

oooo i just luvs me sum weenie juice, y’all…..

10:43 pm September, 4 Doc said...

in addition to Anonymous being very astute with its comment, i would like tosay that you all suck cock like champs and would make vin douchal very jealous. in fact the deeper the cock falls into the esopfagous the more wheezer and that racist prick called raverend chad fuckface kroger.

10:46 pm September, 4 Doc said...

and sasha baron von goolo is not really all that scary with his not really funny jokes that reference whorer movies to appeal to whorer geeks.

10:47 pm September, 4 DarkSock said...

^ahhhh. So you take Ambien too, Doc.
.
I knew there was a link between us.
.
As BCS said, the first time he tried surfing on Ambien, “Gom jabbar, schook the titweenz a’fore them mops come a’sailing ter th’ burgermeisters….”
.
unfurl that pharmphlag, brah.

10:48 pm September, 4 Mr. Biggs said...

If anybody but you were endorsing this movie, db1, I wouldn’t listen. But it is you. Be aware of this enormous responsibility.

And yeah, since I wasn’t a jock I didn’t get to enjoy the suckle till I got to college. And losing my virginity did more to teach me people are fucked up and need to die by global warming more than anything.

10:54 pm September, 4 DarkSock said...

Boss, I’m a little disappointed in this endorsement. One would think that an endorsement would at least hinge on the fact that the subject matter mirrored the zeitgeist of the flotsam and jetsam that make up the matrix of THIS site.
.
I reserve judgement, but in the clips for this movie I saw, there were NO mother’s basements, hot pockets served by said Mom(s), whobags, appearances by Bruce Campbell, bar tabs indicating orders of water, or even Plinky’s Mom, who, technically, is so fat that she appears in 37% of all movies since 1997.
.
Just sayin’.

10:55 pm September, 4 DarkSock said...

And: those of you that didn’t rent/buy/worship “Black Dynamite” = Lah-Hoooo-Zurrrz

10:56 pm September, 4 Mr. Biggs said...

But losing my virginity to three women at once does kinda beg the question of who I lost my virginity to …

10:58 pm September, 4 DarkSock said...

@ Doc 10:46 pm:
.
You, clearly, have never woken up at 3 am with his calm wheeze in your face and his gloved digit in your cocoa cannon.
.
…you will, now….

11:00 pm September, 4 DarkSock said...

Mr. Biggs:
.
Sure, Plinky’s mom technically counts as three women, but don’t get cocky on us, kid.

11:01 pm September, 4 DarkSock said...

….aaaaand the Ambien kicks in about nowwwwwwww
/
nighhh nighh pholkz
.
butt furst a werd from oueru sponsur:
sadfsdagghggg

11:11 pm September, 4 Teddy Tendergass said...

R.I.P. Robert Schimmel.

12:53 am September, 5 groupie ballwashers said...

Must be a slow Saturday night.

5:07 am September, 5 scrotum pole said...

If pets count for los of virginity, then sadly, it was age six.
While retrieving a wayward frisbee, I climbed my neighbor’s fence, fell and landed awkwardly with my buttocks thrust upward.
I was ravaged by “Himmler” my neighbor’s one- hundred- twenty pound German Shepherd.
.
.
Insult to injury, Mrs. DiFranco had to use a bucket of cold water to separate us.

5:14 am September, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

This Doc guy needs to be pimp-slapped on this holiest of days by sweet baby Jesus through the power of the fist of Black Dynamite.

6:09 am September, 5 DarkSock said...

@ Rev Chad:
.
1. Doc is, with the exception of The Boss and possibly Steve L, the most senior poster on HCwDB. He occasionally abducts and sometimes murders various regs. He is the White Castle to our Buddha.
.
2. I am hungover this morning like Oprah’s gunt.

6:18 am September, 5 Mr. White said...

Like G, I once got the shoulder tap. I was 10 minutes in to what I assumed was the most erotic clitoral pleasuring that would ever be given when I was informed that I was, in fact, fisting her ear canal. Embarrassing.

6:30 am September, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

Speaking of the shoulder tap Colonel Angus

8:14 am September, 5 DarkSock said...

I got the tap once. It was an officer’s night stick; apparently I was pleasuring a mailbox.
.
stupid Ambien.

8:15 am September, 5 DarkSock said...

I was a virgin for 17 years.
.
But not in a row.

8:38 am September, 5 mr.reeve said...

All I have to say is premature ejaculation.

9:22 am September, 5 Wedgie said...

Regs:
Please stop posting pics, I have nothing left in my stomach to puke up. Dry heaves hurt.
That is all.

10:41 am September, 5 Mr. White said...

@wedgie
Is it better if they’re in link form?

11:52 am September, 5 Troy Tempest said...

Doc said…

troy tempest would fall a distant second because he doesn’t try quite hard enough…
.
Doc – thanks for the second rating – if you had any inkling as to my work load and research requirements, you would see why I don’t “try hard enough”. I barely have enough time to eat and load the toilet with a steaming heap of hot buttered groat clusters (MY MYYYYYY!), much less sleep or hang out here or think of something really clever to type.
.
My befuddled underslept hungover exhausted state of mind right now can only think of one thing to comment on anything related to Doc:

.
🙂
.
cheers.

10:40 pm September, 5 Jon Spanks said...

sellout, congratulations all your future posts are now corrupt

11:31 pm September, 5 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Lost my virginity at 19 years…
.
…to myself.
.
.
.
.
Thank you primary series Ashtanga!

11:34 pm September, 6 Poppa's Got a Brand New Bag said...

I’ve been gone for a while, but this might be the most shameless plug in DB history. Including The Situation’s plugs.

9:38 am September, 7 Anonymous said...

Looks like someone took too many drugs and couldn’t sleep. That someone also appreared to be talking to himself. Weird.

9:15 pm September, 15 Emily667 said...

Great site!Thanks for sharing!Good luck everyone!

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