Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Ask DB1: Ed Hardette

————-
Dear DB1,

Over the past couple of months a female acquaintance of mine has shown increasing interest in Ed Hardy products. She has gone far enough as to buy an Ed Hardy steering wheel cover and Ed Hardy perfume.

She also often updates her Facebook page whenever she buys new Ed Hardy merchandise to let everyone know, and she has Ed Hardy as one of her “likes” on Facebook as well.

Should I be worried? Is this the first step for a fine lady to become a bleeth? How can I make her turn her back to Ed Hardy’s tools of Devilry?

-A Wondering HCWDB Lurker
——-

Lurker, if you aren’t worried by now, then you’ve learned nothing from all your time spent in meditative repose and academic study here at HCwDB.

She is far gone past the point of recoverable Bleeth stages. Dump her immediately. Then ask out her sweeter, less douchey roommate. While hitting on the roommate may appear to be douchey behavior in and of itself, it is not. It is an effort to save those hotts that can still be saved.

# posted by douchebag1
9:33 am October, 26 tall guy said...

What DB 1 said, Lurker. Plus, sporting Ed Hardy indicates to 25% of the population (and growing) that the wearer lacks taste, style and probably dislikes animals.

9:42 am October, 26 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

WTF does Ed Tardy perfume smell like? I’m thinking of a vomit-covered pile of Limburegr that’s been left out in the sun for 20 days where numerous hobos have been taking a dump on it after Plinky’s mom pulled it out of her snatch.
.
Caption to this picture: “Oh shit, I stepped in my own douche.”

9:43 am October, 26 Crucial Head said...

Taking nude pictures of your girlfriend and posting them on the internet before you break up may also seem like a douchey thing to do… but it’s also part of the healing process and the effort to save the non-bleethed girls.
.
Just send me a link, and I’ll help you “cope” with the process.

10:01 am October, 26 DarkSock said...

It is with great respect that I must disagree with DB1 on this one, “Lurker” (if that is in fact your real name). You can save this girl by slow-pushing a 15 ounce bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup up her butt. To be clear, the syrup must remain IN the bottle, and do NOT substitute the store brand. One must maintain an air of dignity in these matters.
.
Also, what Crucial said^

10:03 am October, 26 DarkSock said...

You could also try eating a bag of M&M’s out of her box. It won’t resolve the bleeth issue; it’s just a real rush. Or Skittles. Yeah, Skittles makes more sense. Or boiled eggs, if you’re vegan. Shell them first. I learned that lesson the hard way.

10:05 am October, 26 fatness said...

Anthropologists have noted that conspicuous Ed Hardy consumption in the Human Female indicates a propensity toward having its pussy crushed while drunk on Grey Goose by the likes of Jason “get some” Stackhouse. Do you really want remnant douche spooge on your dick?
.
Dump her immediately…but take pictures first so you won’t make the same mistake twice.

10:15 am October, 26 Deltus said...

Lurker, your wording makes it sound like you’re not actually tapping that. And that’s good. It also means you don’t have to worry, as fatness said^, about remnant douche spooge.
.
You can also decide if, as a friend, you want to try to save her. She might be too far gone, though, in which case scrape off the barnacles of your life and carry on.

10:16 am October, 26 Et Tu Douche? said...

I spotted this first hand yesterday, I was pulling into the local convenience store and this girl comes walking out with Ed Hardy sweat pants paiedr with a mismatching Ed Hardy hoodie. The disturbing part was 2 fold she looked lie she just rolled out of bed (it was around lunch time) and the color schemes & designs were just atrocious.
.
Short of an intervention I would dump her just on posting on Facebook alone. I like Crucial Heads’ suggestion but what I think she really needs is to have some of these photos of her sent over here so she can get the mocking she deserves.

10:29 am October, 26 Dex said...

I don’t think it’s his girlfriend, and therefore the dump isn’t the best solution. I think he should go in the other direction, and start to cultivate an abusive relationship with her. It won’t help her any, but fuck, it feels great to punch a bitch like that right in the cooze.

10:34 am October, 26 retard said...

@Dex:
The phrase we’re looking for here is:
Hatesex Grudgefuck

10:34 am October, 26 retard said...

Which I think is going to become my new screen name.

10:35 am October, 26 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

The Lurker must be expelled for absenteeism. He is not paying attention in class.

Dark Sock is having a good day.

10:39 am October, 26 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Dex 10:29–Would you like to be Guest Torturer at the Playpen this week? We’re doing a luau theme.
.
What DarkSock said at 10:01. And Dr. BHD with the caption of the century.
.
I’d say divest yourself of said acquaintance immediately, Lurker. You’re not emotionally involved, so it’s not going to be much of a loss.I have to say the clincher is the Facebook updates with whatever new Fred Party gear she bought. That is ricockulous on ever level and makes me weep for her future. That being said, send me some pics so I can survey the damage. She’s really in need of an older female friend who can explain things to her plainly, to point out where she’s going wrong, and to make suggestions on how to better present herself to the world as a beautiful and unique woman. I would start with some Jell-O wrestling.

10:39 am October, 26 Vin Douchal said...

I blame New Jersey.
I blame them for everything including:
.
Tainted fish
Global warming
Bent dick syndrome
H1N1
Recorded political message phone calls
WW I
The Mob
Homoerotic workout videos
Long lines at the DMV
WW II
Stale keg beer
Ed Hardy fashion [sic]
Yankees/Phillies/Mets/Jets/NY Giants/NY Rangers fans being moronic idiots
Orange tan spray
Diarreah
Constipation
The BCS
The Vig
Techno music
Don Imus
Male pattern baldness
and
Herniated discs

10:41 am October, 26 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

The douche in the pic with foot issues has to be the John from John and Kate and who gives a fucckk.

10:49 am October, 26 fatness said...

^ the only john I want to see is the one he’s sticking out of feet first.

11:20 am October, 26 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ REv Chad: You are correct. And that dreck with him is ‘the other woman’ who I hear is now writing a nasty tell-all about what a Douche Mr. Gosselin is. I normally would have no interest in reading such pap when there are survival manuals that need memorizing. However, I do want the laughs.

1:38 pm October, 26 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

There’s never a good excuse for women wearing Ed Hardy, and even less for bragging about new Ed Hardy purchases on FacePuke. Lurker, take the sage advice of the seasoned baghunters (and huntresses) here and dump that skag before you have serious regrets.
.
Also, post pics for the vengeful satisfaction, and our vicarious amusement.

2:04 pm October, 26 DarkSock said...

HateSex GrudgeFuck
Remnant Douche Spooge
Bent dick syndrome
.
^I’m pretty sure that’s this year’s lineup for Vans Warped Tour

3:19 pm October, 26 Deltus said...

I like Medusa’s idea. Give her to Medusa for lady training. We’ll have an Ed Hardy-free bisexual hott in no time.

5:04 pm October, 26 Wedgie said...

“See, officer? I’m not drunk…”

5:12 pm October, 26 Stephanie said...

Smells like a fake question just to get attention.

5:41 pm October, 26 Lil' Fartknocker said...

Jon Gosselin

9:52 pm October, 26 Steve L. said...

if she starts posting pics of herself frolicking with douchebags, go straight to Plan B.
.
disclaimer: Plan B won’t actually rehabilitate a bleeth. it’s merely a means of meting out hateful justice.

5:13 am October, 27 The Goob the Bag and the Pudly said...

^I thought Hateful Justice was on the Vans Warped Tour, too.

10:59 am October, 27 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

There just isn’t any logic at all in why a chick wears an Ed Hardy tiger shirt…unless she was programmed as a child to gobble down Frosted Flakes under the watchful eyes of Tony the Tiger.

And we won’t even discuss why a douchebag wears flashing pink pants. Oh, the shame of it!

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