Thursday, October 7, 2010

Ask DB1: Fwippy Hair

——
Hey DB1,

While this email could really pertain to any one single adouchetribute, I’m writing in concerned about fwippy hair.

I have a problem with my hair, in that due to it’s thickness and generally lame straightness, I am forced to either look like a dark blond Q-Tip, or make my hair fwippy.

While I realize that we’re on a slippery slope that must have careful attention paid to avoid total destruction, and that in the past a single scrotetrait isn’t necessarily enough to call ‘bag, I do realize that things like fwippy hair are always visible and thereby invite constant mock, whereas the thousand ‘bag stare or the ‘bag headlock might only present in the presence of the hottie boobie suckle thigh, and thereby hide dormant.

What should guys like me do who want to not look like complete idiots and yet avoid accidental mocking? Is there an out clause?

— Arch Douche Ferdinand

—–

Fwippy Hair in and of itself is usually not enough to mark ‘bag, but it is an early warning indicator. However, if your hair has a permanent fwip, there is some leeway in terms of mocking. You just must be extra careful about hand gestures, sneery lips and douche-face in the presence of any and all hotties you come into contact with.

# posted by douchebag1
1:10 pm October, 7 FlipFriddle said...

Shave it off; it’s the only way to be sure (that and nuking it from orbit).

1:27 pm October, 7 jonezy said...

if you wear a ten pound watch and some tribal tatts, no one will even notice the fwip

1:29 pm October, 7 Deltus said...

Avoid the full-on fauxhawk. You can put some product in and make it disheveled or even somewhat spikey and have it look interesting without sporting the faux. Listen to db1’s last advice, though, about being extra careful in avoiding other douchal traits. You don’t sound bag, and we’d hate to have to tag you.

1:35 pm October, 7 Horace Dangleballs said...

Crewcut? Flat-top?

1:36 pm October, 7 Horace Dangleballs said...

Sorry — those were meant as suggestions, not mock.

1:38 pm October, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Dude can’t change his hair, fuccking Mother Nature. She gave me a big balls and a grower. My hair gets greasy so fast it looks like I combed with bacon. Take extra special care if you are a little bit ginger or you will be bag-tagged for having no soul.

1:49 pm October, 7 the douche is alright said...

as an expectant father of a little boy any day now, I am disgusted by that picture. who the fuck are those parents? why would you dress your child in that shirt? fuck me

2:03 pm October, 7 Nancy Dreuche said...

Where’s the hot chick in this photo? This little douche probably has her cooking for him. Lil’ playa has got mad game.

2:20 pm October, 7 Troy Tempest said...

In the opposite direction, on the subway today there was this guy in his mid 40s, dressed in a dark blue business suit (Armani? dunno – it looked expensive) and he had some giant Rolex watch a thinning receeding hairline and…
.
.
.
greased up FWIPPY HAIR!!!
.
.
.
I just stood there and started laughing and turned away.
.
The person next to me gave me this look like, Arrrooo? What’s your fuckin problem?
.
So I just leaned a bit and said – the douchenozzle behind us with the fwippy hair…
.
So he turns and looks, turns back and sighs, “Yeah.”
.
Fwippy Hair. Sign of the douche.

3:09 pm October, 7 DoucheyWallnuts said...

@ the douche is alright

right on…the parents are autodouche for putting their kid in this situation…

3:30 pm October, 7 DarkSock said...

That look on his face says….”Got Milk?”
.
Enjoy boobies while you can, kid; it may be a decade or two before you get to do it again…

3:32 pm October, 7 Vin Douchal said...

This kid can’t tell if he’s a douche or not. Blame the parents. Like these fuckers that go to the kid’s haircut place and get mohawks for their 6 year olds. Stop , just stop.
.
We don’t need elementary school to be more intimidating than it already is. Fourth grade was the toughest three years of my life

3:33 pm October, 7 Douchelips said...

Beware the ‘bagglings! Early on the children have no choice, it is their parents who force it upon those kids. But as they grow older I worry that the Jersey Shore culture will overtake them and they will become accustom to thinking that behavior and style of dress are normal or (God forbid) cool.
.
We must mock early and often to keep the children from straying to the dark side of the douche.

4:05 pm October, 7 system of douche said...

ADF: I’m in a skepical mood right now. And my radar is reading between the lines and telling me you are seeking approval indirectly for the fwip.

Ain’t gonna happen here, son.

Crack a book open to WW2. Do you see ONE gallant soldier sporting a fwip? Why do you think that is?

And why do you think after that, and for the next 60 something years, the fwip has not existed. Until the advent of the douche.

Think long and hard about that, sonny. Cut it right, and comb it right, Goddammit!

4:11 pm October, 7 soy bomb said...

I sympathise, Arch Douche Ferdinand, for my locks do the same thing. And it’s a recent phenomenon. My hair, when left to it’s own natural devices resembles something of a rat’s or bird’s nest. As a result, I must tame the ‘do with some hair product. Much to my dismay, over the course of the day my hair “fwipps” on it’s own. The only reason why I don’t shave the bastard off is because I fear some kind of Gorbachevian “surprise” underneath.

4:13 pm October, 7 soy bomb said...

^sympath-IZE, you d*ck.

4:30 pm October, 7 Crucial Head said...

A bit of pomade and combing it straight back works for me.
.
As for the hair on my head – that’s privileged information, good sir.

4:31 pm October, 7 C. Alice Hardon said...

.
Gorbachev and Dick Cheney have never been seen in the same room together.
.
Coincidence?

7:56 pm October, 7 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

I never knew the hairstyle on a Kewpie doll was called “fwippy.”

And if the l’il dude got a haircut, would it be “fwapped off?”

8:11 pm October, 7 Sack O Douche said...

Sometimes I “fwippy” my dicky in the restroom at work.

8:26 pm October, 7 Medusa Oblongata said...

“I have a problem with my hair, in that due to it’s thickness and generally lame straightness, I am forced to either look like a dark blond Q-Tip, or make my hair fwippy.”
.
BULLSHIT.
.
I have a huge, unruly, rampaging head full of snakes (And that’s not an exaggeration, if you’ve ever seen me in real life, you will see where the “Medusa” comes from. It was an actual cruel nickname as a kid) and I’m not “forced” to “make” my hair do anything I DON’T want it to do. I’m not “forced” to go buy a straightener, despite suggestions that I’d “look REALLY good with straight hair. Fuck them. I rock what I got. And when I don’t want it to do its thing? I put on a headband and give it a break. I’m not FORCED to dye my hair that awful witchy black that all these cunts are doing, I’m not FORCED to bleach it, I’m not FORCED to do anything. And neither are you.
.
What you are, however, is do what you want. So by coming in here and insisting that you are “forced” to “make” your hair do something douchey, because you don’t like its “lame” natural state….well, you’re coming to the Temperace committee begging for acceptance of your crack habit. No mercy! As what I think might be the lone vagina in this conversation, I’ll give you some very nice suggestions for straight hair, and by thickness, did you mean thickness or lack of? No matter, here ya go. And all of these are better, more original and more a haircut for a M-A-N than the fwip. See Whoop-Di-Douche, I couldn’t have said that better. The Fwip looks like a god damned Kewpie doll. Are you a man, or are you a chubby, plastic baby? Man up, Soldier!
.
Leo doesn’t really do it for me, but he’s a sharp feller.
.
Even when he’s doing something that looks stupid, Hugh Jackman somehow makes it look good.
.
FUCK ME IN THE MOUTH
.
The ultimate classic. I don’t even know who this dude is, but he’s damn sexy.
.
And that goes for the rest of you. any more talk of fwips being ok and I will personally fist you, wearing an opera glove made of Chore Boy scouring pads.

8:28 pm October, 7 Medusa Oblongata said...

That little baby looks like he’s gonna stab his mother in the neck. And I hope he does. With a rusty coat hanger.

8:39 am October, 8 Bag Margera said...

Personally I think this much concern about your hairstyle is a first step to douchiness in of itself.

8:46 am October, 8 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Shave your fuccen head. Tada! No hair worries. Next!

10:42 am October, 8 Anonymous said...

@Medusa, re: “The ultimate Classic”:
I believe that guy’s a mental patient of some kind. He’s clearly wearing a straitjacket. No wonder he has that distant, zombiefied look on his face– heavy doses of Thorazine will do that to ya.
.
I am forced to live with a rapidly receding hairline and a laughably wispy, thin top until I shave it off again. Which is less hassle than trying to make crap hair look good, anyway.
.
No excuse for appropriating douchey stylings, whatever your predicament.

10:43 am October, 8 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

^Must remember to log in, Re-Re-Re.
.
You dipshit.

12:28 pm October, 8 mills said...

how ironic a post about hair when i have just this week realised i have a receeding hairline and now have to side part of my fringe, hell least im not alone my brother had a receding hairline before me and one of my friends did by the time he was 20 damn it it is a curse to all who have testosterone in their veins ( that said i dont see female bodybuilders with the same problem) male bodybuilders, junkies and menopausal women however are in the same boat and i feel even worse for those with a history of hereditary male pattern baldness.. oh i might just have to die before the onset of middle age ill probly look as if i have a cobweb on my head by the time im 50.

5:15 pm October, 8 Steve L. said...

i can say a lot about my hair too. but i’ll leave it to the judgment of Mr. Scrotatohead on whether there’s something wrong with my hair.

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