Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Ask DB1: Natural Selection

—–
My fellow warrior DB1,

I was recently considering the process of Natural Selection, when I had the gruesome thought that perhaps Douchebaggery might become a positive genetic trait.

After all, with all of the scrotum-faces with luscious asspear we see, there is a high probability, as much as we may not want to consider the fact, of mating. And the disease is spreading around our glorious nation and now the world.

Should I worry that the future of the human race will look like the evil-spawn we try to expose with the light of truth and reason? Ought I compile a collection of pictures of normal people so if the Douche-pocalypse occurs, there will be some record of us normal folks to withstand the flood of douche-photos bombarding everything?

Never lose hope,
– Sir Hate-A-Douche

—–

The anxiety you’re experiences, Sir H.A.D., is, with apologies to Kubrick, what we term “The Startatt Child.”

Fear of the unborn unholy cohabitation of hottie/douchey ascendancy representing a new devolution for the human race. A step backwards if you will.

The only mitigating factor is that, unlike Mike Judge’s now academically peer reviewed and accepted “Idiocracy Theorem,” the Douchebag tends to not like to produce offspring. It cramps his party style.

# posted by douchebag1
1:13 pm October, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

But the douchebag also tens to not like to buy condoms, as it wastes valuable booze money, and what with the steroids, their penises are already deader than Steven Hawking’s limbs. That, and Bleeth tends to not take it in the mouth, it messed up their artfully applied stucco-mask. We’re fuccen doomed.

1:18 pm October, 12 skrag2112 said...

Douchebags may also not produce offspring due to their latent homosexuality. So there is hope.

1:33 pm October, 12 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Medusa^
.
Unlike the bleeth who are “f*cked and doomed”.
.
Fortunately for humanity, when a douche’s steroid addled sperm does drive it’s Kia shaped head into a bleeth’s appletini sodden egg, the resulting zygote is imprinted with a genetic code that causes it to immediately begin consuming first it’s mother, then it’s father. Hence the protracted withering of the bleeth’s “beauty” as she endures first the pregnancy (Ohmyf*ckingawd, I got stretchmarks! Can you see this?! Jenny! Howthef*ck am I gonna be seen down at the shore with these?!”), then six months of late night bottle feedings, eight years of visiting the “little shit” at grandma’s house after work and before clubbing, followed by ten years of absolute misery as the beloved offspring consumes all available cash, food, dignity, and remaining nerve cells. The end result is a shriveled up orange rind dotted with blurry, illegible tattoos, two blister-tight implants pointing north east and south west, wrapped in decades old thread bare fashion, all topped with crispy white brillow pads attached to black roots.
.
Nature’s funny that way.
.
Oh? The dad? Doesn’t pay his child support, grows a gut, fathers at least two more kids, and spends his remaining 40 years avoiding responsibility. Or to be clearer, he goes this way.
.
Because Nature’s funny that way.

1:39 pm October, 12 Vin Douchal said...

Las Vegas doctor, looking forlorn at himself in the mirror: ” I went to medical school for ten years to learn how to perform third trimester abortions, tattoo removal , treating herpes and removing Grey Goose bottles stuck in dude’s anuses? I’m going to bar tending school starting tomorrow “

2:00 pm October, 12 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Boy, that Scoot Baio sure could pull some tail.

2:04 pm October, 12 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Did the Startatt Children come before of after the Indigo Children, or Indigo Girls if you wish? Fuck they were some fugly dykes with great armpit braiding.

2:06 pm October, 12 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Boy,that Fish Slap sure could pull some coccks.

2:09 pm October, 12 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Those kids look pretty happy. And if it wasn’t for the glasses, hair gel, pooka shell necklace, shaved chests, star tatts, ab tatt, chin fung, and hand gestures, I’d put away the claymore.
.
Chin fung has some creepily small fingers. Poor little crack baby.

2:11 pm October, 12 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Just saw the nipple piercings.
.
[removes safety, sets Claymore beside the karaoke machine.]

2:42 pm October, 12 DarkSock said...

Star bellied Leech

2:56 pm October, 12 Southern Scrotic said...

The young Jennifer Aniston on the left works for me.
.
Ok. maybe a bit too young.
,
Would texting her pics of my junk be wrong?

3:08 pm October, 12 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

“We had been been combing the high schools all day and nadda. Finally, as we’re walking by this house we see some 8th graders havin’ a slumber party and we think ‘Why not?’ so we jump in the window grab a couple of chicks and then bust ass to my IROC Z before the cops get there. Too bad we have to go around the neighborhood tomorrow tellin’ everybody that we’re sexual preedatains. No wait, that sexual prebuters. No, shit, it sexual pedobears, yeah that’s it, sexual pedobears! How cool is that? Am I right?”

3:09 pm October, 12 Vin Douchal said...

We’ve seen these star tatts before, only in much more awesome fashion:

.
Bra! The Gun Show

3:12 pm October, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

Looking back, growing up in the 80’s wasn’t so bad. I used to weep for the future now I just don’t care.

3:59 pm October, 12 Wedgie said...

Wedgie is just going to have another martini. Because it gives me great satisfaction to know that our future is in such fine hands. I can’t wait until my nine-year-old daughter is old enough to date.
But until that day comes, a nice cocktail will do just fine, while I clean the old Mossberg’s barrel.

4:30 pm October, 12 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

@ Southern Scrotic

If Brett Favre can do it why not everyone else?

4:52 pm October, 12 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Ah, but condoms cramp their party style, too…

5:00 pm October, 12 system of douche said...

“360” is what Star Boy will do on his spin-fuckk chair.

Though Bordeaux’s eyes are straight, unlike her twin sister Paris, she can’t seem to keep a boyfriend once she opens her mouth.

5:48 pm October, 12 DarkSock said...

aaaand I’m off to Google “spin-fuck chair”.
.
I love this site.

6:48 pm October, 12 Denny said...

Douche Bags would use condoms if they were made my Ed hardy but then again I believe tattooed penis’s will be the next great douche bag trend so maybe no condoms after all

7:13 pm October, 12 Steve said...

Mike Judge’s “Idiocracy Thereom’ is the best example, but I like to think of that machine Dennis Hopper used in the “Super Mario Bros.” movie where he could evolve or devolve people.

8:29 pm October, 12 mylifeinthebushofscrotes said...

Also, we must consider the fact that the douchebag is fundamentally stupid. Therefore, we can consider that as long as their DNA is passed on, their offspring will always be at the “back of the class”. It does not necessarily follow that the students at “back of the class” will always be “stupid”. However, through the evolutionary process, we can assume that the people at the “back of the class” will eventually be pushed out of the gene pool because hot chicks with realize that mating with them will only create inferior human beings. I guess I am an optimist.

9:17 pm October, 12 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

The smart people will use birth control and the dumb ones won’t, so yes, we’re doomed.

9:20 pm October, 12 Steve L. said...

if you really hate douches, Sir HAD, you should compile a stockpile of all makes and models of automatic assault weapons in the world and 500 rounds of ammo for each make / model in preparation for the Douchepocalypse.


wait did i say too much?

9:26 pm October, 12 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

The perfectly matched and tilted star tatts, the necklace, the white sunglass rims, and the “360” groin tatt are dead-on clues to this douchebag’s profession and rank: Two-star Circle Jerk general with protective sunglasses atop his head, not to mention star targets on his torso.

And his dick probably spins in circular motion during the Jerkoffs, like that old game show “Beat the Meat” ……er, ah, um,” Clock.”

9:28 pm October, 12 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Speaking of natural selection, these four would be mighty entertaining on a monkey island at the local zoo.

10:52 pm October, 12 Douchetacular said...

Nothing says cheesy dounchebag quite like…white sunglasses (oversized, of course), star tatts on your pecs…and the grand finale…a white coral necklace purcahsed at a beach brick-a-brack hut for 2 bucks.

As my father was fond of saying, “There is just no accounting for douchebaggery”…

6:58 am October, 13 The Goob the Bag and the Pudly said...

I can’t believe nobody here railed on startatt’s nipple piercings yet. Isn’t that the primary identifier of a guy who works in gay porn videos?
.
I fear that Medusa and Whoop-Di-Douche are right and that in a generation, we’ll be completely overrun by douchebags and bleeths.

6:59 am October, 13 The Goob the Bag and the Pudly said...

^ I read that thing about identifying gay porn stars somewhere– or one of you said that in another thread. I didn’t know that myself, of course…

7:05 am October, 13 Senor Squash said...

FUCK FISH SLAP!

7:26 am October, 13 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

Hey Goob, Scrotato noticed the nipple piercings.
.
Those chicks are pure jailbait. And those two puds will be traded like currency once they go to prison. That 360 tattoo will take on new meaning when he’s taking cocck from all angles.

7:45 am October, 13 UFO Destroyers said...

I don’t recall from all my hours watching TLC and the Discovery Channel if there had ever been a successful separation of conjoined twins who were fused knee to hip bone.
.
The one on the left has to be rolled around on the A/V cart from the library while in school.

9:15 am October, 13 Mr. Biggs said...

Um, db1, hate to break it to ya, but the douchebag has no problem making babies. It confirms his virulence. He just leaves the women to raise them on their own like the harem they are.

Of course, the major misnomer about genetics is that somehow individual genes are what get transferred and not the collective genes of a species. This justifies the behavior of the most fevered, cancerous members of our society to continue with their behavior.

Of course, the biproduct is that it leaves a very real sense of the apocalypse in the rest of our civilization. So while the douchebags are deluded into thinking they are the fittest members of our society, to reproduce their kind, really what they are doing is rotting out our species from within, until our species is rendered extinct from too much hair gel and criminal welfare cases.

10:09 am October, 13 Army of Douche-ness said...

A Scene from Taxi Doucher:

bleeth: “God you’re square.”

Army of Douche-ness: Hey, I’m not square, you’re the one that’s square. Your full of shit, man. What are you talking about? You walk out with those fuckin’ creeps and low-lifes and degenerates out on the streets and you give your little pussy for peanuts and redbull? For some low-life scrote-wank who fist-pumps to kesha “hard house” remixes And I’m square? You’re the one that’s square, man. I don’t go screwing fuck with bunch of douchebags and piles of poo like you do. You call that bein’ hip? What world are you from?”

1:14 pm October, 13 Mr. Biggs said...

Ahh … Taxi Driver. Such an anthem. Such a bible. DB1, I think we have our next DVD pick of the week.

8:43 pm October, 14 Sir David Douchenborough said...

As I said before, this falls in the depressing category of Run-audiger selection. From the bleeth perspective, extra douche pair copulations are motivated not by the commonly known ‘sexy son hypothesis,’ but rather the “douchey scrote” hypothesis. Thus, when bleeth produces her male baglet, he will grow up to follow in his father’s unemployed, ED Hardy novice DJ footsteps only to attract another bleeth for procreation.

I should really tell those evolutionary psychologists to keep quiet; we don’t want these douches to get any more ideas from their ‘research.”

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