Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Ask DB1: Relationship ‘Bags


———
DB1,

I would love to get some clarification from you on an issue that has caused me much consternation and heartache lo these many years.

Is a person who bears all the physical and spiritual hallmarks of a garden variety douche (see attached – white sunglasses, Ed Hardy, hand gestures, inordinate # of gaudy tats, arm hooking a smoking hottie, etc) still a douche if said hottie is his actual steady girlfriend and not just an unlucky bystander who was wandering too closely when the camera came out?

Does he get a nottadouche pass just because he doesn’t randomly grope any poor girl within reach or is he in a sense guilty by association for merely presenting the unseemly facade of a douchebag?

In my mind, this begs the question of which is worse: the true douchebag or the poser who merely aspires to portray the douchebag lifestyle? Does douchiosity transcend the outward appearance or is that indeed from where it springs? These are the questions that haunt my dreams.

Sincerely yours,
Confused

——-

Monogamous coupling in no way invalidates douchal behavior in public when the individual in question’s behavior is douchey, Confused. It merely diminishes the chances/opportunity for the ‘bag to act ‘baggy.

In fact, douches who are in a relationship yet still find opportunities to douche it up with their lady for neighboring cameras are, on many levels, even more douchey, since they lack the base seduction motive as at least a pseudo-justification for their scrotal choices.

# posted by douchebag1
1:45 pm October, 6 tall guy said...

I agree with DB1. Camera posing has an inversely proportional douche aspect to it that beggars the question: if Ed Hardy went belly-up in a communist regime, would anyone hear it?

1:47 pm October, 6 Eliza Douchecoo said...

them’s alot of words to read, I see boobies.

1:59 pm October, 6 Army of Douche-ness said...

re-post of my response to last week’s “Married Db’s” question with Spencer Pratt pictured. CHange words meaning married/spouse/wife/husband/etc to girlfriend/boyfriend:

“and maybe it’s because i’m a bit more of a chauvinist than DB1, but i keep saying that it’s the bleeth that’s the shepard and the douchebag the sheep. While yes, many men are douching it up to get the hot, I guarantee in many cases, like we saw with Douche Ex Machina, the bleethy wife contunually positively reinforces the DB image…remember that certain types of DB;s are considered what’s hot and women compete even more aggressively with other women than men do men (though more subtely as well) and so a woman will take great pride in showing off the mate she’s chosen…and that mate is normally in large part her design…he’s less “seeking” sweet sweet poon tang pie and more just trying to keep what he’s got/keep her from bitching.

Remember, “happy wife, happy life.”

Anyway, take out the shepard and the sheep will run free.”

2:01 pm October, 6 DoucheyWallnuts said...

The Grieco Virus cannot be wiped out or made inert by something as weak and trifling as monogamy or puny vows. The Virus is an unstoppable force that cannot be stopped once ink, Ed Hardy and copious amounts of Axe and hair products have taken hold. I weep for the above letter writer and anyone else who is truly confused by this situation.

2:01 pm October, 6 Eliza Douchecoo said...

Married, dating, single, gay, straight, douches come in a variety of different flavors. While most of the bags are seen in clubs across the world there are plenty of scrotes at home. These are the worst, at least it’s somewhat possible to avoid the ones at the shitty clubs by not going to the shitty clubs. The crafty bags are the ones you meet when you least expect it, these are the ones that make me cry and laugh at the same time. Seeing a blinged up, torn jean, Ed Hardy fag at a work function or school function makes me sad for their kids and family but you can’t help but laugh at them.

2:09 pm October, 6 DouchYouWannaDance said...

When an apparently otherwise cute arm-candy covers up with dark glasses and a cap, she might as well just throw a paper bag over her head. 🙁

2:15 pm October, 6 CBS said...

i stumbled upon this in my cyber travels

http://toronto.kijiji.ca/c-community-other-I-WILL-TAKE-YOUR-BEER-LIQUOR-OFF-YOUR-HANDS-FOR-FREE-W0QQAdIdZ234548021

i think i have some swill at the bottom of a tuborg tallboy…

2:19 pm October, 6 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Drew Flees didn’t listen to his bro’s warnings to avoid Bayou Len’s Discount Tattoo Parlor and Brothel when he wanted the team logo on his chest.

2:21 pm October, 6 Medusa Oblongata said...

AOD is correct as he was last week: The guy’s got the girl already, what’s with all the continued ‘baggery? That’s how he keeps her, thus preventing an even bigger douchebag from taking her away. Like young male rams butting heads, like young bucks lock antlers, the douchebag is in a constant battle for Fuckwit supremacy and to secure his Quality Ass. Perfect example id David and Victoria Beckham. She’s morphed from not too shabby to vicious, bloodsucking harpie, and Poor Davey has douched out big time right behind her. Never mind that he’s a dead sexy motherfucker, he could wear a burlap sack and smell like fish heads, and he would probably pull mountains of pussy. But he does it to make sure no one ELSE comes along and sticks his dick in that mousetrap of a woman, even though he is freely parking his meat Buick in plenty of other garages. And I don’t think he douches it up for the sake of getting new pussy. There’s some goofy looking dudes and they score primo chicks. I honestly believe it’s a ploy to keep other douchecock away from his wife’s penis flytrap.

2:21 pm October, 6 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

That Carole King sure has some big tits.

2:23 pm October, 6 Medusa Oblongata said...

^ I chopped a line there somehow. Let me try that again:” And I don’t think he douches it up for the sake of getting new pussy. Look at Larry King and Donald Trump. There’s some goofy looking dudes and they score primo chicks.”

2:24 pm October, 6 Captain Scrote Sparrow said...

Get a load of the weebles on that pop tart! And the Notorious B.A.G. comes with a sniper focal point embroidered right in the middle of his pecks…

2:24 pm October, 6 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Meat Buick? WTF? Ruins another keyboard with fountain of beer foam and irish stew.

2:45 pm October, 6 douche bagel said...

the only hope i have for this picture is that just out of frame to the left is a bent over Fat Bastard with a mean case of explosive diarrhea

3:13 pm October, 6 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Instead of thinking “Now I have somewhere to put my hand” (thanks Donger) he makes devil horns? Really? Really? He could be dribbling the bikini basketballs but he makes it all about him. Yeesh!

3:15 pm October, 6 Wedgie said...

All must be punched in the nuts. Or in the tattooed cross; puncher’s choice.
Dick.

3:41 pm October, 6 system of douche said...

I truly believe that the maternal and oftentimes co-dependent inherent nature of most women lets them overlook douche traits, even when those traits continue once a “couple” relationship has been formed. As far as the male side goes, the douchetrements become part of their identity, and to shed those signifiers would mean being naked in society, culminating in a re-birth, if you will. A very vulnerable and tender moment in a man’s life.

Oh, and nice bolt-ons.

3:44 pm October, 6 system of douche said...

Once Wendy boarded the boat, the pilot was heard to say “what the hell do we need these for?” and proceeded to toss the life preservers on shore.

3:47 pm October, 6 system of douche said...

Her chin’s so pointy it doubles as the dig-in anchor.

He’s so ridiculous he doubles as disposable ballast.

5:09 pm October, 6 mack_daddy_yuppie said...

well i disagree as i dont believe in relationships since im a sexist, homophobic, racist now stop! collabarate and listen the 80’s style is back with a brand new generation.. of kids pathetic and douchey, who think they look cool and trendy well they wont look so good when i run them down in my ferarri,

im a rogue trading banker who deals in stock bonds causing financial atrocities in various companies in the 80’s at high school i was a cool yuppie who was on the football team, in the 90’s i was a hip hop rockin mack who could fill a stocking with my cock now i flirt with underage girls on the internet, im a classy perv who drinks scotch, im a chameleon karma karma karma chameleon.

6:23 pm October, 6 Mr. White said...

“Confused” strikes me as one of those people who call in to radio shows to ask about a problem that their “friend” has. Yeah, “Confused” = Bleeth dating some abusive douchebag but wants validation for it. Not gonna happen. Don’t come around here trying to get justifications for your bad life choices.

7:44 pm October, 6 Army of Douche-ness said...

@ Medusa,

mousetrap of a woman? let’s make a child.

8:24 pm October, 6 The Dude said...

If she’s his girlfriend, sheez bleeth!

9:04 pm October, 6 Mr. Biggs said...

Oof, harsh, DB1, but strong medicine. Ultimately the question to pose is “why do I wear ridiculous tarts/hardy/shades/guyliner? To say “I just do” and not probe the depths of ones soul to ask why, is like just saying you caught the black plague and can’t be blamed for it. I mean, you have the freaking plague.

12:29 am October, 7 Steve L. said...

Confused, meet Colt Curtis.

1:44 am October, 7 Baleen said...

The douchey life is all about “scrotal choices” and their “pseudo-justification”.
You know, scrotal choices like whether or not to wax your balls.

2:52 am October, 7 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

I am reminded that in a previous century, women wore BALEEN in their corsets, in the hopes of attracting men by showing off wasp waistlines which would contrast with average, or if fortunate, ample boobs. Er, bosoms.

In fact, you might say that men have now adapted the douchey trickery of women to their own means, although the only discomfort the male seems to endure is the pain in the tattoo parlor, which can be shared also by skanky women getting inked.

What goes around comes around, and vice versa, such as the limerick where he went when he came, or whatever. It’s late, I’m woozy, and the moral of the ongoing story is a douchebag is a douchebag, a skunk by any other name still stinks the same poo, and there’s no gettin’ round it: a bleeth is a bleeth, a skank a skunk, and a douche is a warm water washout facilitated by a hose and nozzle, but not a neti pot.

6:03 am October, 7 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

Douche is as douche does– “relationship” status, marital status, or number of chicks chained in one’s basement has no bearing upon anything.
.
That lake water is really brown. That’s gotta be in the Midwest.

6:04 am October, 7 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

Maybe he went swimming before the photo and the poo washed off him and stained the whole region.

6:10 am October, 7 mr.reeve said...

Boobs and Boat Choad. Damn work is killing me right now.

6:29 am October, 7 Tony Ventresca said...

Her breasts seem to be attached to the sides of her rib cage. Not a complaint, just an observation.

7:48 am October, 7 Deltus said...

Married douches get my scorn even moreso than single douches. I agree with Medusa on this one: they continue the douching to keep away other scrote from a partner who clearly responds to scrote.

10:03 am October, 7 The Goob the Bag and the Pudly said...

I agree– all douches should move to either Hawaii or Iowa where they can just marry each other.

10:26 am October, 7 Manswine1 said...

This issue rings familiar…

10:58 am October, 7 Tom Choad said...

That chest tattoo is moronic– it loks liks someone smacked a dead fruit bat on him.
.
I’d prefer we just smack that fruit with a bat until dead.
.
.
.
@ Redouche, 6:04:
No, all the water here looks like that, naturally. It’s like a huge hog farm runoff lagoon.
.
@Goob:
Please don’t suggest relocating douches to my home– Iowa is a relatively bag-free refuge, except near any college/university, where they mostly come in from out of state and fester like herpes.

4:11 pm October, 7 anonymouse said...

That’s some refund gap right there.

9:30 pm October, 7 Stephanie said...

Is it me, is is it the tattoo parlors,the artists must be in need of glasses,so why are all of the tattoos so huge?
Don’t these smurfs consider subtlety? Well, whatever you’ve got to live with it now…

12:11 pm October, 8 dorkbag1 said...

A decent question in the eyes of the trollers who come here to gape skin and laugh at peck grease.

But really, if you have a long term relationship with a stripper, you can’t exactly expect the normal rules of commitment, or even basic decency to apply can you?

How would these bags be any less baggy than reg-bags? Really? They either have white knight syndrome, or just went for easy targets. Which is worse? Believing you are saving someone (LOL) or just accepting the visit to the clinic?

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