Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Ask DB1: The Suburban Divorcee ‘Bag

——-
You know, DB1,

When I read this site, about the only solace that I get is hoping that since most of the HOTTS featured here are young; they will someday grow up enough to know better than to date orange, roided, gelled, preening, smirking, red-cup holding, gang-sign flashing, hat tilting, giant watch wearing, ridiculous tattoo douches, and instead go out with normal, non-pumped, verbal, intelligent guys who won’t think of them as possessions, conquests or arm accessories from which they can “get some.”

I still hold out hope that this is true, but I swear to God, every time I go to a function at my kids’ school, Back to School Night, Family Fun Night or whatever, I start to seriously doubt that this paradigm is true.

Because all of the cutest divorcees, and there are always a few, show up to these things accompanied by smirking, middle aged douche bags.

These guys invariably sport torn jeans, and not torn by manual labor or falling off a bike or whatever torn jeans, but torn by low-wage factory workers in Thailand or Korean torn jeans.

I could laugh this off. Some women (and men) just stay dumb, right? Some of us never evolve.

But see, I KNOW most of these women and they’re not bleeths. They are not dumb. A lot of them are professionals, teachers, attorneys, the cream of the suburban divorcee crop not only in regards to looks, but also in the brains department. And yet at every function they trot out these f-ing douchebags.

Riddle me this, boss. What gives?

Does the lure of the douche not lessen as the HOTT ages? Is attraction to douche not lessened as the HOTT learns, evolves, gets smarter, learns a thing or two about the world, and gets screwed over by douche after douche?

– BFlak
————–

In the age of youth culture fetish, the quest for eternal teenagedom condemns the aging to seek out the brand name validation that will best hide the truth of mortality under the bling of spectacle.

# posted by douchebag1
12:05 pm October, 5 CBS said...

middle aged monsters you say?

would you fuck me? i’d fuck me.

http://www.homefacts.com/offender-detail/KY7385/Frankie-Lee-Scott.html

12:05 pm October, 5 Southern Scrotic said...

That’s some serious Asian hott.

12:06 pm October, 5 Too Short said...

Nothing changes. We need CAROUSEL to eliminate these douche nozzles.

12:07 pm October, 5 CBS said...

i dont make things difficult. thats the way they get all my themselves.

http://www.homefacts.com/offender-detail/KY3822/Robert-Wilson.html

12:08 pm October, 5 Vin Douchal said...

For the record, I invented the backwards ball cap look in ’78 while driving my Mercury Montego with Alice Cooper blaring out of the two 12″ 3-way home stereo speakers on my back seat powered by a Pioneer circular FM dial cassette player. Bitches

12:11 pm October, 5 Fatness said...

As the hott ages, the drive shifts from seeking acceptance to suppressing desperation.
.
And neither teachers nor lawyers are immune from stupid behavior.
.
In fact, it may make them worse.

12:12 pm October, 5 CBS said...

everytime somebody farts, an angel gets their wings
(this is a tough one.)

http://www.homefacts.com/offender-detail/PAcbbbebbb/Cesar–Martinez.html

12:12 pm October, 5 Fatness said...

Vin, didn’t Gomer Pyle start the hat tilt?

12:18 pm October, 5 CBS said...

sorry meant to say demon

12:18 pm October, 5 Mr. White said...

@fatness
Agreed. And let’s not forget that one can be an intelligent and successful attorney or teacher, but still emotionally retarded. The divorcees described by BFlak may, indeed, be non-Bleeth, but that doesn’t mean they’re not broken inside. In fact, if they show up to these events with the men described, I think they’re definitely broken inside.
.
I’m a prime example. I have a degree in math and write textbooks, but yet inside, I’m the equivalent of a neglected toddler after eating a whole chocolate cake. I mean, c’mon: I post here. Q.E.D.

12:19 pm October, 5 douche bagel said...

billy the beaver shows off his new scissors while wally halfheartedly points

sorry, thats all i got….

oh yeah and that asian is exsquisite.

12:22 pm October, 5 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

I have a co-worker who went through a nasty divorce a few years back. He tried finding normal women, his own age (late 30s/early 40s) to date, mostly other divorcees, but had almost no luck until he started douching up his look.
.
Now he works out all the time, wears obnoxious clothes (yes, Ed Hardy is in his closet) and bling, applies tons of hair product, rides a Harley and exudes a distinct Grieco vibe when he goes out to the clubs.
.
Where he successfully pulls in not just plenty of horny divorcees, but premium pear that’s half his age. I weep for the future.

12:29 pm October, 5 CBS said...

no. last season’s loser.

http://www.homefacts.com/offender-detail/PAdadcdgbb/Denault-Bernard-Stamoulis.html

12:32 pm October, 5 Wedgie said...

That girl on the right looks like she’s got a little Hawaiian in her.
Like, maybe Sunny Garcia, or Gerry Lopez.

12:34 pm October, 5 CBS said...

i’m rick james bitch. come over here and see sex with charlie murphy.

http://www.homefacts.com/offender-detail/PAchahdgjh/Hasahn–Williams.html

12:34 pm October, 5 jonezy said...

I have a suspicion that the divorcee Hotts justify their poor choice by telling themselves “I’m too busy to find a decent guy, this guy can at least fuck my brains out for a little while until I get too annoyed by his ignorance and materialism”
.
I mean, if you have a career AND a kid to raise on your own, you probably just say yes to the first guy that asks you out that isn’t bald. Total douchebags are excellent at putting themselves in this position. Just be the first in line…
.
which reminds me- I really need to start asking girls out at the supermarket…

12:43 pm October, 5 Vin Douchal said...

The idiot on the right looks like Donnie Osmond halfway through the GEICO caveman make up application / transformation

12:54 pm October, 5 Tom Choad said...

Those puds remind me.. I need to power-wash the grease off my backyard grill.
.
And the girls remind me… I need to pay another visit to that massage parlor upstairs from the Thai restaurant.

12:57 pm October, 5 Tom Choad said...

I know a number of divorced women, and Jonezy speaks the truth. Most don’t even care about having a conversation with the guy, they just want to be banged, and for him to go home.
.
My wife feels sorry for her divorced friends, lamenting that they can’t find a nice guy. Meanwhile, my jackass single buddies beg me for their phone numbers.

1:00 pm October, 5 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

I’d moo goo her gai pan.
.
Then I’d fortune her cookie.

1:06 pm October, 5 system of douche said...

George Michael says “Gotcha!”
Lorenzo says “Twice!”

The ladyboys were paid well for fluffing.

1:06 pm October, 5 Captain Scrote Sparrow said...

That guy on the left just sold me a car… guy on right stole it.

1:08 pm October, 5 Captain Scrote Sparrow said...

ahhh but as they age, they are finally responsible for their own orgasmic completion, something I have been a pro at since 13.

1:09 pm October, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

He’s right. Brother and sister in law going through the shit, same story. That’s my brother on the right behind IIHAFPOC (I’d like her asshole furiously perfect oriental chick).

CBS you’re links lead me to believe you are deranged. I’m cool with that.

1:09 pm October, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^lick

1:12 pm October, 5 CBS said...

black penguin cant you pay for ad space. i wont use your site on principle now

1:12 pm October, 5 Captain Scrote Sparrow said...

what the fuck is that drivel? go to hell spammer!!!

1:13 pm October, 5 Captain Scrote Sparrow said...

time to poke out his eye’s and skull fornicate him…

1:15 pm October, 5 The Goob the Bag and the Pudly said...

I know I’m fairly new to this site, but I seriously didn’t understand a single reference that LoolerKayase guy made.

1:17 pm October, 5 The Goob the Bag and the Pudly said...

Has the Douchebag cartoon guy at the bottom of the page always had a pink cap, or is that just for Breast Cancer Awareness Month?

1:18 pm October, 5 CBS said...

http://www.homefacts.com/offender-detail/MTMT01812533/Afterbuffalo,-David.html

which solves the riddle of what came first the buffalo of the rotten egg…the rotten egg came first

i’m not deranged. i just find it funny how many peds smile for their mugshots. the IQ is set too low in western legal systems for showing that someone is mentally retarded.

here’s one more

http://www.homefacts.com/offender-detail/MTMT01159896/Brelsford,-Dennis-Michael.html

remember that guy who exploded in the movie scanners?

http://www.i-mockery.com/halloween/greatest/scanners.php

1:24 pm October, 5 douche bagel said...

wedgie, you been watching north shore or somethin?
even chandler would wrench on these kooks.
shes up there with nia peeples

1:25 pm October, 5 End the Haberdouchery said...

Does anyone know a good place where I could find some online games?

1:26 pm October, 5 End the Haberdouchery said...

An aside to the boss’s statement, I think a lot of these divorcees, at least the ones I’ve encountered, married too early and are looking to sow their douchey oats and reclaim time missed in their early 20’s by dating these guys.

1:28 pm October, 5 Vin Douchal said...

“LoolersKayase” spelled backwards is “esé, your kayak is loose, Holmes”

1:39 pm October, 5 jonezy said...

fuck. I was looking for some cool Offline games.
.
shit.

1:55 pm October, 5 Medusa Oblongata said...

I’ll more than gladly weigh in on this one. I’m 36 and divorced. I had a fine run in the few years after I gave Mr. O. the heave-ho, and up until I fell madly in love with Mr. Biscotti. I never saw that coming, either, I figured it would be nothing but fuck-n-chuck until I was about 60. Then I’d meet a staid, refined gentleman at an art gallery, and we would develop a quiet courtship. At some point, he would point out our impending mortality, and that it might be wise to live together to keep an eye on each other. I’d move into his city loft and we’d have a small ceremony on the terrace.
.
However, that didn’t pan out and I’m glad, because all that senseless rutting got old. And granted, I wasn’t old at the time, I was only 31 when Mr. O. and I separated. I was also childless, which made me entirely more viable than a 41-year old with stretch marks and three brats. However, I can see why some of these women were lured by Douche. They wanna feel young again, and get railed by a young buckin’ bronco stud. However, 89% of 22 year old men want nothing to do with a 41-year old woman. So what’s the next best thing? A 44-year old who dresses and acts like a 22 year old.
.
What’s the downside to that? These guys also wanna feel young again, therefore they’re going to opt for more nubile pussies, and they’re going to act like immature frat-choads. These women are then disappointed that they can’t have the wild teenage boy with the sensibility of the middle-aged man. Well, what did they expect? You met him at a club, you were humping and grinding all over his Ed Hardy jeans, he bought you lemon drop shots and your desperate dumb ass blew him in his new BMW Z-3. And then you’re pissed that he doesn’t want to sit in your basement on a Saturday Night and watch Veggie Tales with your kids? You stupid, stupid cunts.
.
The Hotts must evolve and get smarter if this is going to happen. But, like becoming a Jedi, she must be open and receptive to the force growing within her. I’m seriously considering writing a book about how to do this, because not enough of them seem to know anything about that. And they wonder why they’re just wheeling around a vagina for shit head after shit head to temporarily park in, never getting what they want after the first five minutes of validation and recognition.

2:12 pm October, 5 Blinded by the Shite said...

Marry me, MO.

4:05 pm October, 5 Musicman said...

Hi people, I’d like to put my perspective on this…

I think the post by Medusa is very true..at the same time, it has depressed living shit out of me.

I’m 23 years old, and I like dating cougars. I feel I can’t date women my age because a lot of them are dumb, and/or will just throw themselves at any guy that attracts her with superficial things (Ed Hardy, stupid hair, etc.)….I have more intellectual things in common with older women, and I find that we get along better.

One older woman I dated was great to me. She always treated me well and with respect. I always made fun of douchebags with her, and she thought they were idiots. She, unfortunately, turned a little obsessive and clingy, and I had to break it off….

However, I try to still believe there are women who are gentle, kind, and have goodness…..I suppose it depends on the kind of older woman you date.

If you go to a bar, you are probably going to get a bitch…but if you meet an older woman at a bookstore, a gym, or at work, maybe she will be nicer.

But hey, maybe I have to succumb to being a douchebag. I really don’t want to, but I am wondering if that’s the only option.

Of course, if there were more women like Medusa, I think the world would be a better place. Cats and dogs would get along, terrorism would stop, and Uwe Boll would stop making shitty movies.

4:11 pm October, 5 The Dude said...

What if a douche suppresses their douchely-ness? Can a douchebag be spotted when he’s burrowed under normal vestments?

4:39 pm October, 5 Merle Baggard said...

I’d like to nominate Grey Dress China Doll for the Hall of Hott DB1. She makes me want to make a Long March for the Gang of Five. And as the boss says, I have no idea what that means, but she is very pretty

5:02 pm October, 5 Guid is Good said...

Asian HOTT is the coconut cream of the suburban divorcee crop.

5:44 pm October, 5 Mr. Biggs said...

Yup, unfortunately, this isn’t an issue of intelligence, but of social standing. Those men who refuse to play the “who can be a bigger douchebag” game are doomed to the bottom of that pile.

On the bright side, it also means you just can’t take women who go out with guys like that seriously. That might be a part of an attack plan.

5:54 pm October, 5 Mr. Biggs said...

I’ve heard it being called “the harem principle.” Where women naturally gravitate as harems around the chosen male of the society. And the other males line up behind him. In our society which puts value behind purchased brand icons, it only make sense that the top douchebag gets the girl.

6:31 pm October, 5 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Blinded BTS 2:12
That’s actually a good idea. I gotta let Mr. B. get some rest here and there.
.
@ Musicman- Don’t despair, young man. Just the fact that you’re actively seeking out the MILF because girls your age are dense as a fruitcake and twice as face speaks volumes to your success in the matters of amour. An insecure, clingy woman will remain so at any age, unless she undergoes a profound personal transformation. It’s never an easy process, but coming out of it leaves on with a remarkably new perspective on things. Those are the ones of which you speak, the gentle and kind ones. Those are the ones who have done the careful self-examination and realized that they have real worth, they’re not measured by a man. They know that a relationship solves no problems, in fact it creates a new set of them. So you better have your personal duckies in a row, or else it’s an endless pursuit of the man who’s going to fill the void, ease the pain, solve it all.
.
I’m far from 100% self-actualized. I’m jealous, insecure and angry quite a bit. But, I know what it comes from and what I need to do about it. Screaming, yelling, stalking, nitpicking over Facebook shit, all that does is divide. But I also know that if one doesn’t work out, there are more. I’d be devastated if it didn’t work out with Mr. B. But what would I do? I’d still be here, I’d still be standing. And I know I’d find someone else. Even at my worst, I always did. At my best, I can find a GREAT someone else. I’m 36, divorced and childless, and my life is better than it’s ever been, because I have the magic of healthy perspective.
.
And now, since I’m a Leo and I love to get a stroke, I will agree with you that the world would be much better if there were more women like me. There would be more home-cooked meals and blowjobs. There would be more size 4s and a hell of a lot less size 14s. There would be less time at Wal-Mart and more time at the porn shop. There would be less bedrooms painted Dusty Rose with shabby chic decor, and more done up with gun racks and taxidermied animals. I’ve had a steady exposure to high levels of testosterone over the years, almost 2 decades of listening to men of all stripes expressing the same wishes and the same complaints. And unlike most women, I opened my ears wide and took all of it in. Mr. O. still laments that he hasn’t come close to replacing me. Mr. B. flies 11 hours to be with me. Too many chicks decide that being an awesome woman is by doing what they think what men like. I decide that being an awesome woman is by doing what I’ve heard men SAY they like. I could sum it up eloquently in verses, or just boil it down: Act like you’re excited to have sex with him, and then act excited to just see him when he comes home, even if you’re really not. Shut your mouth when the TV is on. If he thinks something is cool, and you think it’s dumb, don’t belittle him. You don’t have to participate, just don’t condemn, it might be something more important than you think. Talk to him the way you would talk to him if you just met him and you were on a date. Learn how to cook one thing, and cook it like a motherfucker, like no one else on this earth can cook it. Learning any more than that is just gravy. I think that’s it.
.
And you know what, men? The same can be used by you. Go home and try that shit if you haven’t been getting along with your old lady. Pretend her dumb stories about her cat are interesting, even if they’re not. Pretend you’re really happy to fuck her, even if you’re not. Remember how she acted when you were all hot to fuck her in he beginning? Start doing that again and see what happens. I know more people in decades-long marriages that i do divorcees. Because I hang out with pervs and they strive to maintain pervery, even in the slumps.
.
Shit. I just totally threadjacked and made this into an advice column. Sorry.

6:31 pm October, 5 Medusa Oblongata said...

* Dense as fruitcake and twice as fake. Fuck.

6:34 pm October, 5 Stephanie said...

Time just can’t be stopped,but once a douche bag,always a douche.

7:06 pm October, 5 Army of Douche-ness said...

My father is 61, from an then-impoverished Greek village (i.e. refuses to wear sunscreen ordo anything remotely metro to maintain a youthful appearance) and looks almost just like Robert De Niro but with an increasingly white moustache.

He’s also been married happily for 36 to my mom.

I’m nearly 29 and while i admit to wearing both sunblock and an after-shave lotion that definitely soothes but may or may not have anything in it that will keep my skin young. Regardless, I quite like the idea of NOT keeping up with the flashy trends or eternally chasing youth and (since i have a baby face anyway) looking like a distinguished man now and as I get older…

yet for some fucking reason, despite being told my dad is very handsome for 61, i’ll likely look like him, and older men are distinguished, especially if also gentlemen, I’m simultaneously told to not just let it happen, which I’d think the natural way of things and be that guy…ya know, let nature do what it does…I almsot wish i were 40 so i could just have an excuse.

I try to get by with saying “I’m an old man inside and i am what I am. deal with it.”

Medusa please love me…

9:09 pm October, 5 Steve L. said...

Musicman sounds like a particularly lucky basterd.

9:28 pm October, 5 Steve L. said...

$10 says that the hot divorcees that BFlak laments about get their douchey trashy boyfriends from plentyoffish.com.
.
and that is all the insight i have to offer on this topic.

9:36 pm October, 5 Steve said...

What I find hilarious about the youth obsessed culture is this. 40 is the new 20, which means the kids don’t get raised properly, and thus, 12 is the new 20.

11:15 pm October, 5 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ AOD 7:06
Oh, you know I love you,even if you are Greek. Huh huh. Well, it’s one thing to take care of yourself, it’s another thing to be a preening, prissy twit who has “mirror time”. Being Mediterranean, I don’t imagine skin cancer is in your future. But you never know, and it’s a whole different sun than the one we had 50 years ago. the light browning of my youth has given way to hideous, blistering burns that have me running for the SPF 45 every day. You’re not really fighting the aging process, you’re just doing a little preventative maintenance that keeps things smooth and smoochable for the ladies.
.
Bad? Just For Men gray coverage shit. LEAVE IT ALONE, MEN. Gray hair is sexy. Take a random poll of women over the age of 27 and I guarantee almost all of them wanna bang George Clooney. That’s the bummer about the double standard, men get distinguished, women get haggard. We are expected to fight it every step of the way and die, having failed miserably. Men can just slide into old age like feet into slippers and they’re praised for it. Keep up with the sunblock, that’s actually good for your health. Groin shave, hair dye, makeup, facelifts and stuff of that ilk makes you a raging douche.

5:04 am October, 6 Istandouche said...

“In the age of youth culture fetish, the quest for eternal teenagedom condemns the aging to seek out the brand name validation that will best hide the truth of mortality under the bling of spectacle.”

DB1, you’re in true from today. :)) Suberp writing for this post as well as the previous (the one with the king and the prince).

7:23 am October, 6 Deltus said...

Asian hott on the right made my no-no parts instantly tingly.

7:24 am October, 6 Musicman said...

@steve l….

I wouldn’t really cal it luck…i put pants on oneleg at a time like everyone else…i just like fun dates and drama free experiences…

@medusa..perhaps you should write a book? Sounds like you could write one…it would be better than anything from dr. phil.

8:20 am October, 6 schlongkong said...

Maybe it’s just that “normal, non-pumped, verbal, intelligent guys” should seek out normal, non-pumped, verbal, intelligent women and leave the hotts (bleethy or not) to the choads.

Curious, too, that BFlak makes note of not thinking of women as “arm accessories” but then ejaculates references to the “cutest divorcees” and “cream of the suburban divorcee crop.”

I’d suggest reevaluating your standards.

11:41 am October, 6 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Musicman–you’re the second person in less that 48 hours to suggest that based on my rantings here. I’m totally doing it. I need help with a title, though. I don’t imagine “How not to be a stupid cunt” is gonna fly with any potential publishers.

11:55 am October, 6 tall guy said...

I’m in a bit late on this… but what the fuck, I’m also busy.

Let me tell you all of you in case you hadn’t already worked it out: I’m an older guy. I married later in life and survived that union for 2-and-a-half-years. The ex-wife and I are not enemies today, although the 12,000 mile buffer zone helps…

When it comes to dating, pulling hott chicks (‘hott’ being a very subjective concept) or simply my general thoughts and ideas on women, being the age I am can be challenging. While not quite the testosterone poisoned hornbag of my earlier years, I’m far from indifferent about such things. However I am interested in a wide variety of activities which somehow induce a desire in me to seek out like-minded female company. There is no sub-text here. I am not disguising anything. ‘Activities’ might range from cycling, reading, BBQ as opposed to clubbing, preening and incessant mirror gazing &/or spouting off ill-informed opinions/agendas. This consequence of age came about naturally. And although I am still somewhat vain about my appearance, it’s a self-conscienceness bordering on awkwardness that drives this as opposed to a covert illusionary vision of how frequently I really should be gettin’ sum. Truth to be told, I’m not gettin’ sum that often, But I’m not too unhappy because of that. I seem to prefer being single. Perhaps I’m not emotionally available. I’m definitely unavailable to many of the more bog-standard bleeths that occasionally flutter their eyes at me – and I’m not suggesting they’re loosing sleep over that. I really wouldn’t know what to say to them – (after, “want sum”?).

12:43 pm October, 6 Too Short said...

Older women are nice to have conversations with and younger women are more fun to look at. I would also much rather fuck a young hard body than some saggy old wrinkly milf.

12:59 pm October, 6 Musicman said...

@ Too Short….

It’s not really that black and white…Have you seen Marisa Tomei in The Wrestler? She’s around 46 and she’s an uber-hott. I would tear that up. I’d rather be with her than let’s say, Megan Fox.

I remember a few years back, FOX network had a tv show called Age of Love. It starred a 30 yr old tennis player, and there were a group of 40 yr olds, and a group of 20 yr olds competing for his affection. At the end of the season, the 30 yr old tennis player picked a 25 yr old woman, and not the 48 yr old uber hott….all the cougars were absolutely hot. They had bodies like the 20 year olds.

9:01 am October, 7 Too Short said...

Musicman–Just because you have some weird perversion towards your mother and other old women does not mean the rest of us do. This cougar nonsense is annoying. Old broads are not hot.

I would rather fuck Marissa Tomei in my cousin vinny. better yet a Different World

10:35 am October, 7 The Goob the Bag and the Pudly said...

I imagine it would have to be a different world for Marisa Tomei to fuck you, T.S.– one in which hot movie stars would actually consider going near you. ; )

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