Monday, October 25, 2010

Coupling After the Douchepocalypse

There will be little salvagable if the great, coming Douchepocalypse overtakes the world, and we ‘bag fighters lose in our mission quest.

A world of eternal club techno. Where asswipes with tribal tatts roam shirtless and free, with retro 80s boombox “ironic” bling around their necks.

Hitting on skanky and long lost former hotties, now far too Bleethy to save.

Is this a vision of Douchemas future? Or Douchemas that only might be?

We must fight on, regardless.

# posted by douchebag1
1:54 pm October, 25 smackdouche said...

As a general rule, if you are neither Aztec nor Mayan, you shouldn’t have their tattoos.
She is not a former hott. Her bleethiness has actually lifted her to this pinnacle. And now the one time in her life that she turned heads is forever saved in a photograph.

2:09 pm October, 25 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Future, my foot. It’s here, and NOW.

2:13 pm October, 25 DarkSock said...

That’s actually his laptop on his necklace. Due to his infant dick, he has a very small lap.

2:13 pm October, 25 jonezy said...

Unless it can can be programmed to play Marble Madness, there is no excuse for a man to wear a glove that extends to his elbow…
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Man law.

2:14 pm October, 25 Wedgie said...

It must be neck-tatt day here at HCwDB. As those go, I only like the ones caused by rope burns. You know, the ones whose application usually results in a sharp snapping sound, followed by leg-twitches about 3 feet above the ground.
Now, where did I leave that rope?

2:15 pm October, 25 Wedgie said...

And he’s wearing Darth Veiner’s glove. Nice look, sport.

2:18 pm October, 25 Crucial Head said...

He could be Mayan, Smackdouche. So I’ll refrain from mocking him until I find out for sure…
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… which means I must carve out his heart with a stone spoon and offer it on an alter of fire to the great god Yum Kimil.

2:23 pm October, 25 dblpits2teste said...

I call tribal tat exception for X’tlt’aplt’l the Smiling Racoon God. Also, are we sure they are not members of burlesque troupe? What’s the autodouche/nottadouche spectrum for paid, on-stage exhibitionism? Think Chris Farley vs. Patrick Swayze.

2:38 pm October, 25 Southern Scrotic said...

Although she may not be a hott, there aren’t any signs of bleeth, either. She’s just working with what she got.
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Nice bod.

2:39 pm October, 25 Medusa Oblongata said...

I also call burlesque troop. She is, at least. I never thought I would be tired of attending events where there are scantily clad wimmins shaking their tassels. But Jeebus Jumpin’ Crimbo, I sure am. Every gawldanged chick I know is a member of a burlesque troop, and maybe 3% are anyone I would want to see undress. This chick in the photo here is as hot as it gets for burlesque, Dita Von Teese excluded. I’d say her somewhat retro garb and makeup is the key here. What she’s doing with this dude dressed as Sam Spade with an NES Power Glove.

2:39 pm October, 25 Medusa Oblongata said...

…oops…what she’s doing with him is anyone’s guess.

2:44 pm October, 25 Captain Scrote Sparrow said...

Appears to be some sort of tribal ass-gasket around that ass hat’s coconut kickstand… nodda bleeth, nice tits…that’s all

2:47 pm October, 25 Medusa Oblongata said...

Damn, my Aztec is rusty. I read that as Xtapal’paquetal

2:48 pm October, 25 Vin Douchal said...

Senior Prom photo at Fuckface Continuation High School

2:48 pm October, 25 Vin Douchal said...

FCHS mascot is a Weasel with Popeye forearms

2:51 pm October, 25 Vin Douchal said...

FCHS ‘ valedictorian’s commencment speech was about blasting your delts

2:53 pm October, 25 Vin Douchal said...

FCHS has cots, bowls of condoms and bongs under their bleachers but no football team or field

3:15 pm October, 25 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Behind the guy with the plaid shirt. Mel Gibson and Tina Turner try to sell the plot of Mad Max: Jewpocalypto while laughing at the name Humungous.

3:20 pm October, 25 Wedgie said...

I had a really good point to make, but I just spilled my bong water into the bowl of condoms on my cot.

3:28 pm October, 25 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Does he carry his manpon in that purse around his neck? Or is that supposed to be a ghetto blaster (what we called them waaaaaaay back in the day) that only plays shit like Culture Club? I also think his tattoo artist got one over on him. Look at the monkey/Alfred E. Neuman face in the middle. At least that’s what I hope happened.

4:04 pm October, 25 Teddy Tendergass said...

Apparently, they forgot to remove their yak-fisting gloves. He wore the special kind that are “ribbed for the bovine’s pleasure.”

4:11 pm October, 25 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

What up with those gloves? Is he the terminator? The Doucheimator?

4:24 pm October, 25 Nancy Dreuche said...

No, JT/MJ wannabe, I will not smell the glove. Even though I doubt you would make that reference, consider it a preemptive decline and then work on your sense of humor.

Also you know what they say about dudes who wear tiny boomboxes…

4:40 pm October, 25 Charles Ulysses Farley said...

It’s a joke really. Well, I mean it is and it isn’t. You really should be made to smell the glove.

5:00 pm October, 25 soy bomb said...

What’s wrong with being Sexy?

6:30 pm October, 25 Deltus said...

@Medusa: thanks for giving the Dita Von Teese exclusion to the “burlesque maximum hottness” ruling. Haven’t seen a terribly recent pic of her, and she lay with Marilyn Manson, but she was always so hott to me, it made my teeth hurt.

6:47 pm October, 25 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Deltus–yeah, I almost let that one slip, I gotta pay homage to the Deetress.
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Because this is the average burlesque performer.
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The whole thing is totally devoid of any class, there is nothing sexy about the women, and the cheeky humor has been sucked out of it by a bunch of dolts who assume shaking their cellulite is all it’s about. Blecch. I’d be more than happy to see this stuff if it was as well-executed as the shows of old. Even if the women weren’t stunners, their personality and stage presence made them seem so. Now all it is is an excuse for a bunch of ghouls to get naked and garner a little affirmation for five minutes. Feh. It has no relevance today, it has neither the shock it once carried, nor the stage spectacle it was meant to be. Now any hussy with just enough shame to wear garters on stage can go buy a five dollar boa at the craft store and call herself a “Burlesque Performer.” The kooky Violet Craig would have mopped the floors with these impostors.

6:49 pm October, 25 Medusa Oblongata said...

^ See the photo above. Cheap Frederick’s Of Hollywood bustier, cheap costume shop gloves and headband, cheap thigh-highs (With no garters? GTFO!) and semi-vintage updo do NOT a burlesque dancer make.

7:36 pm October, 25 soy bomb said...

Burlesque is not completely dead here in South Bay, as I’ve been known to frequent shows put on by the troupe Sassy Minxx featuring the always entertaining Jodie.

7:43 pm October, 25 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Actually, I’m not all that concerned. If douchebags can only pull tranny-looking bleeths there’s not much to worry about as ugly off-spring will kill the species.

7:54 pm October, 25 Steve L. said...

this pic is full of kiddy gloves.

8:05 pm October, 25 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Say what? You have a tatt of a Japanese koi pond on your arm, sport a Bettie Page haircut and own a satin corset? YOU should join a burlesque show!
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What’s this? You say you’re an overweight body piercer with a goatee who owns a revolver, a pin stripe vest and a pork pie hat? Well, YOU should join a burlesque show!
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What’s that you say? You’re an unemployed fire dancer and Burning Man is over 8 months away? Fer crying out loud son, YOU should join a burlesque show!

10:42 pm October, 25 Crucial Head said...

A buddy of mine came over to help me with the ol’ Ford. Turns out he’s into Twitter like most other normal folks not named Crucial Aloysius Head (I had enough trouble trying to maintain a Facebook page, let alone attempting a Twitter feed). Anyways, during one of the many cerveza breaks of the evening, I asked him to look up Jay Louis’ tweets.
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We scroll through a few, share a few chortles, and then run across this:
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“R.I.P. to Penthouse founder Bob Guccione. Penthouse Magazine was the Stones to Playboy’s Beatles.”
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… and THAT, ‘baghunters and huntresses, is why we call Him BOSS.

12:40 am October, 26 tall guy said...

I also think this pair are semi-carnies of some type. I am also grateful we don’t have to hear the brain-numbing drivel coming from the mouth of that show-pony gargling excrescence.

5:02 am October, 26 Motorcycle Accessories said...

I know is a member of a burlesque troop, and maybe 3% are anyone I would want to see undress. This chick in the photo here is as hot as it gets for burlesque, Dita Von Teese excluded.

7:17 am October, 26 Tom Choad said...

I think that dude is wearing six Swatches all facing inward. He should have just bought one and spent the other $15 on a shirt.
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Or at least a dicky to cover up that stupid tattoo.
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That would give him one dicky, anyway.

7:28 am October, 26 Bagwood Dumbstead said...

Alas, it can not be unseen
as his pair redefines what’s obscene
I detox my ordeal
in a bath of oatmeal
but I fear i have hocked up my spleen

7:58 am October, 26 Deltus said...

@Medusa: see? That pic of the Deetress almost made me spew in my pants. Awesome.

8:07 am October, 26 The Goob the Bag and the Pudly said...

Doc Bunsen is spot on– that’s definitely Alfred E. Neuman on the middle of that douche’s chest.
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Also, I can’t help wondering what kind of burlesque club lets in a balding guy wearing a short-sleeve plaid shirt. He’s in the background facing away from the camera. Did he just stop off to use the restroom?

11:32 am October, 26 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ JD 8:05
I FUCKING LOVE YOU. I haven’t done a gallery show in quite some time. Because EVERY TIME I do, someone’s Burlesque troop is performing and I just can’t stand to sit there politely while I watch the same boring, low-rent nonsense.
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Real Burlesque was a vaudevillian spectacle, complete with jokes and music, the girls had a lot of talent. Imagine 10 chicks like a young Lucille Ball in the same room, trying to out-funny, out-stunt and out-sing each other, while wearing heels and stockings and there ya go. Now it’s just strip club sluttery with none of the nudity. Who needs it? The costumes were half of the show, Busby Berkely-esque dance numbers and whatnot. The only reason Dita’s show is worth seeing, aside from her being hot, is that she has a HUGE budget for costumes, sets, props and lighting. The rest of what’s out there is cheap, cheesy and low-class.

11:35 am October, 26 Medusa Oblongata said...

…no offense to Soy Bomb, but your pics are exactly what I mean. There wouldn’t have been a legit Burly-Q girl alive that would have sat on a man’s face on stage, that wasn’t what it was about. It was to delight all of the senses and engage the mind. It was the thinking man’s smut, if you will. Any pique in the pants was secondary.

1:47 pm October, 26 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

He is a douche without conviction. Notice how his neck tattoo is below what would be seen when he puts on a shirt? He does not have the conviction to display his tattoo at Office Max where he sells gel pens and ink re-fills

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