Thursday, October 14, 2010

Hipsterbag Topher

I had thought mocking hipsterbags with hot chicks would be a more innovative subgenre of the Hottie/douchey dialectics in 2010. To date it hasn’t been. But Hipsterbag Topher may change that around here.

Note the subtle douchebag-hipsterbag transliterations:

Facial fung from “anal retentive sculpt” to “faux disinterest sculpt.” Designer cap tilt to vintage cap tilt. Bling to bling.

Librarian Roxanna is real world small town loin fire. And for that, I buy her a martini, and don’t even flinch when she asks for Grey Goose rather than Ketel One.

# posted by douchebag1
7:11 am October, 14 Wedgie said...

That is one goofy looking hipsterbag. Here’s $5, go buy a mirror. Use it.
Librarian hottie is very tasty. And she likes to drink from very large beer glasses. Which makes her just a bit hotter in my book.

7:12 am October, 14 Eliza Douchecoo said...

Not to mention it’s a tasty dark beer, not some gay Bud Light. If I were her I’d invest in some Herpicin-L, she’s going to need it.

7:16 am October, 14 melvil duchi said...

that looks like a Guinness. At least she has good taste in beer

7:20 am October, 14 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

If that’s her beer, Roxanna is the woman of my dreams. One of them anyway.
.
Topher smells of clove cigarettes and burnt grease.

7:23 am October, 14 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

He needs to be slapped in the face with a pfish. She needs to be slapped in the face with my penis.

7:44 am October, 14 Snowdouche's vegaterian brother said...

Is.. one half of his face smiling?

Also, I’d put one in her chutney.

7:49 am October, 14 Mr. White said...

Great, now I have to go furiously masturbate to Lisa Loeb videos.
.
I mean, I was going to anyway, but Librarian Hott just sealed the deal.

7:51 am October, 14 retard said...

@Mr. Scrotato Head:

We already have one Fish Slap. Two would mean that the armageddon is upon us.

7:52 am October, 14 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

She-Wolf lies under the glasses and frumpy facade, Aooooooooooooh. He can afford one Guiness and buys it with disdain towards Anglos. He is waiting for his french roast, fag. Under that smelly bohemian-bag facade, there is a smelly bohemian-bag. What ever happened to Freedom Fries? Does anybody remember laughter? I hate the French.

7:52 am October, 14 Mr. White said...

He doesn’t wear deodorant as part of a protest against corporate toiletries. And he will tell you all about it at great length while his pit stench wafts into your face.

8:05 am October, 14 Justin said...

I’m catching a whiff of late nineties post-raver ‘bag. And by whiff I mean, this dude smells like ass cheese.

8:11 am October, 14 Deltus said...

@Mr. Scrotato Head: agreed, she could really use some turkey slapping.

8:16 am October, 14 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I’d buy her a Guinness. Just sayin’

8:32 am October, 14 a non anon said...

Boss, I think you’ve got Roxanna all wrong. She’s just not the martini type. She’s a beer drinker. Check it: little to no makeup, low maintenance hair, casual hoodie. It all adds up to… to…

What the hell is she doing sitting next to this smarmy Maynard G. Krebs remix?

8:35 am October, 14 Army of Douche-ness said...

I dunno DB1/for what it’s worth ive been noticing a lot more mainstreem media outlets like Psychology Today and the New Yorker rip hipsters a proverbial new (but vintage) asshole.

8:51 am October, 14 tall guy said...

Spot on observation re. the lost potential of hipsterbag mocking. Man, I’d of thought the spectacle of Maynard G. Topher would’ve generated a gazillion posts by sundown. And bookish Roxanna has the appearance of a girl who’d diligently study the karma sutra in order to maximise your pleasure. Nothing too shabby about that kinda devotion.

8:53 am October, 14 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Ew. She looks unclean for many reasons, the two biggest being A) she’s sitting next to him 2) she’s wearing a hoodie that looks like it came from the fat girl collection from QVC.

9:05 am October, 14 Nancy Dreuche said...

Oh, that poor girl with weak ocular muscles. She should have learned to skim the pages and use adequate lighting when reading her Sweet Valley High books a couple of years ago. Or maybe its a genetic deficiency of ocular proportions.
Either way it makes her look smarter. Or does it? If we were to judge intelligence by our choices in the company we keep instead of our eyewear, she doesn’t look that bright at all. But I’m sure she’s a tiger in the sack judging her by her choice of sweatshirt. Purple = I take it in the poop shoot.

10:50 am October, 14 Anonymous said...

A half-smirk, half-sneer. Dude, you’re sharing a booth with someone so far out of your league, you should be grinning ear-to ear and waving down random passersby to witness it.
.
On the other hand, that would mean raising your arm (phew!) or showing off your nasty cigarette and coffee-stained teeth. Maybe we’re all better off if you just sit there and pretend not to care.
.
She’s definitely going to tire of your acerbic wit, jazz albums and pseudo-socialist ennui, and seek out a guy who can satisfy her, and probably quite soon.
.
.
And I’ll be waiting with my facile pick-up lines and perverted sensibilities to take up that task.

10:50 am October, 14 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

I fucking hate hipster bags. I pray that Williamsburg is destroyed in a controlled thermo-nuclear blast orchestrated by our own government.

10:52 am October, 14 The Goob the Bag and the Pudly said...

The previous Anonymous post is me. Damn my eagerness to comment on librarian hotts drinking porter!

11:03 am October, 14 fatness said...

This Marge Gunderson-Mike Yanagita reunion between St. Paul administrative-assistant Roxanna and perpetual U of M student Topher turns uncomfortable when Topher asks her for a picture, a place to crash and “another chance”. The perpetually kind Roxanna permits the first, listens to the endless ramblings and pleadings of the tenth-year Sociology PhD candidate now working as a janitor at the undergrad student union and then politely excuses herself to the ladies room where she calls her boyfriend Gaear to come get her.

11:49 am October, 14 Blair said...

I. f*cking. HATE. hipsters.

12:24 pm October, 14 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

That’s it. I’m gonna start brewing beer and put fuccen patchouli-flavored anthrax in it. I’ll call it something catchy like “Fucck Corporate America IPA” and sell it out of the back of my station wagon at Grateful Dead and Phish concerts. The smelly little fuckers will start drinking it and slopping it all over themselves and any that gets airborne and into their lungs will be a bonus. Who among pursues the noble tradition of Sam Adams and other patriot brewers?

3:13 pm October, 14 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

Hasn’t this guy been on the site before? There something about his mutant Bob Denver look that seems awfully familiar.

3:44 pm October, 14 Et Tu Douche? said...

@DB1
” real world small town loin fire” You nailed it right on the head’
.
@Tall Guy
“Roxanna has the appearance of a girl who’d diligently study the karma sutra in order to maximize your pleasure” Well said, Well said.
.
She is sneaky Hott and I bet she loves to bone and that she also drinks good beer is a plus.

10:04 pm October, 14 Steve L. said...

i would like to transliterate Roxanna in all her delectable librarianity.

10:43 pm October, 14 Douchetacular said...

I really cant decide what is more douchesque…the cheesy wool cap…the 5 ear rings in each ear…the hemp necklace…or the neo-tie-dye hoodie. That really is hipster douche overload.

7:52 am October, 15 Anonymous said...

Hottie, is in fact,a hottie. I’d wreck that!!!

3:25 pm October, 15 Stephanie said...

Topher is a gopher.

4:54 pm October, 15 Didjeridouche said...

Topher’s smug little shit-sneer suggests he’s mocking you for noticing & appreciating Roxanna’s pedestrian taste in name-brand beers, rather than choosing some obscure “artisanal” nano-brew (which he’s still waiting for because the waiter he already pissed off with his snarky bullshit is still adding cat urine to it).

1:29 am October, 17 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Someone should ask Topher to quietly exit on his tip-toes outta that place so as to avoid any fist fights that would arise from just spotting His Royal Creeps. And arise they would.

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