Friday, January 7, 2011

Friday Thoughts and Links

I don’t know how choadscrotey up the scale Timothy really is. He’s so damn happy to be alive, but with all that stupid bling, undies poke and nuclear sunglasses, I can’t forgive. Belt buckle and fro makes Timothy a solid stage-2. So ye be mocked, Timothy. Ye are bag.

But why’d I really run the pic with the Friday Links?

Saluting Tiffany.

Her meaty yet taught suckle torso causes whirling dervishes to stop whirling and say “Whaaaa-?” It causes lizard hybrids to shed exoskeleton at confounding and exponential rates. When she turns rapidly to the right or left, her torso and boobs make a noise that sounds vaguely like, “gazzzzhhhhbonga.”

I love her. I will name my next pet fish after her right breast. So I will name it “Fake But I don’t Care.” Which is a strange name for a fish.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Internet Killed the Video Star”

American customs agents ban Canadian wigga wanskta fraudbag from entering the country. My proud tax dollars at work.

A fairly amusing parody of the Situation’s workout vid: Douchebag Workout Video.

The greatest sapphic Semitic Jewess sex scene in cinema history is now in theaters. Go see it. At least since that hot makeout scene between Fanny Brice and Molly Picon in 1922’s musical revue, For A Little Hot Butter!

Darth Vader Being a Smartass

The Onion honors our first Orange Speaker of the House.

This does not forgive Axe’s role as one of the Seven Founding Members of the Douchoindustrial Complex that began in the early 00s, but credit where credit is due: The Axe Ball Washer is pretty funny.

But you are not here for ads about ball washing. You are here for New Year Pear.

And we will begin this new year with the following quality but tasteful pear shot:

Tasteful Librarian Pear

There will be more revealing gnaw to come in the weeks ahead. But for now, we repose with quality.

# posted by douchebag1
12:58 pm January, 7 Captain Garanichode said...

Madaam Suckle Sides and Sugar-Ghey with bonus underpants reveal (or BVDR)

1:16 pm January, 7 DarkSock said...

NO!!! I wanted peeled and naked hairless pear! If I wanted Tasteful Pear I’d order from Harry and David.
.
Son.

1:18 pm January, 7 Wedgie said...

My Swollen Member wants to go the library to check out “Lady Chatterley’s Lover”.
So I can read it to Tiffany. Damn, girl.

1:19 pm January, 7 Southern Scrotic said...

That is probably the worst swimsuit ever, both in cut and the print. She should strip it off NOW.

1:25 pm January, 7 TriLam said...

Where’s the pear?

1:26 pm January, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Don’t go see the Jew girls in that movie, Mila licks Natalie to orgasm. I have a permanent case of vibratory testicles and migrating penis with a touch of rheumatoid ejaculation.

1:26 pm January, 7 Wedgie said...

“Throw those fuzzy suckers down here”. God I love Jaime Pressly.

1:30 pm January, 7 Jaan Kanellis said...

“Sifl & Olly” = AWESOME

1:33 pm January, 7 mr.reeve said...

I think Tiffany’s hottness makes up for the overly clothed pear. She gave me a swallow member, SON!

1:34 pm January, 7 mr.reeve said...

Whoops, swollen but hopefully it would lead to swallowing.

1:38 pm January, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Pontoon boat is to American sterotypes as Boehner is to burnt umber. Boehner, That’s a silly name, Son.

1:56 pm January, 7 DarkSock said...

I’m still chortling at the Smart Ass Vader clip, especially the end where they’re just staring at each other. That’s some funny shit, Son.

1:57 pm January, 7 Stephanie said...

The “Pink” elephant in the room? It’s just the “elephant in the room”. She must be thinking about drinkin’
And when aren’t the politicians already not douches without the orange.
The geek in me loves the Darth Vader and those dorks in that photo above are late to the party douches,yawn.

1:59 pm January, 7 Medusa Oblongata said...

Jumpin’ Jeebus. Here I am, sick as a pig at RibFest and what do I see? Page one of the JC Scrotey catalog. WTF, the summer edition is out already? It’s only January.
.
Holy crap, Sifl and Olly, I forgot all about that show. since I’m too sick and lazy to research, someone tell me; is that not the voice of David Cross coming from one of those socks?
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Vancouver has hip hop?
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I’ll say this about the Axe Ball Washer…..my ne’er-do-well brother, Scud Oblongata, has been using AXE products for years, unfortunately. I came over on Christmas to find him in an Affliction shirt and I already warned him that I WILL post his ass on here, and I WILL NOT have anyone pull punches. Anyway, I digress. So I’m over there hosing myself down in the sulfur pit and I decide to try his Ball Washer on my scaly knees. I bled. Even in a joke capacity, even the implication that such thing should be used on ones’ balls is, well, dangerously irresponsible. I’m waiting for a wave of Douchebags to come out in a class action suit against AXE for scrotal injuries and emotional damage.
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Library Pear: Meet me in the Adult Fiction section. Hurr hurr.

2:04 pm January, 7 Vin Douchal said...

How much of a statement does your belt need to make, Son?
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And you, fart knocker in the back, air guitar? Really , Son? Do you not see the attention seeking ass in the one piece? Idiot
.
.
For you that feel ripped off by that ass pear, here’s some Tiffany Ryan Ass Pear fer ya

2:16 pm January, 7 Mr. White said...

The fact that MTV still refuses to release the full Sifl and Olly series on DVD makes me vomit with rage, son. I had to buy a full set of bootleg DVDs of the whole thing from some son on eBay, son.

2:29 pm January, 7 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Tiffany certainly makes me want to stand up and salute. SALUTE! and yes, that is a flagpole in my pocket. Why do you ask?

2:34 pm January, 7 Tom Choad said...

I’m with Darksock on this– fully-clothed tasteful librarian pear is like reading a description of the playboy centerfold instead of looking at it.
.
Thankfully, Vin had emergency backup pear ready to quell my withdrawal symptoms. Bless you, Vin– you have saved my afternoon.

2:39 pm January, 7 jonezy said...

Get Son.

2:48 pm January, 7 Et Tu Douche? said...

Librarian Pear reminds me I need to renew my library card, son.
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@Medussa, That is not David Cross unfortunately. He’s pure genius and “Mr Show” was sketch comedy at it’s finest.
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Douche in the background looks like he’s making a beeline to the bar having just realized that it’s happy hour and with that all the free tacos you can eat. Get some Son!!!
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Say what you will about Tiffanys bathing suit but those are some curvaceous yummy hips and I’d eat breakfast at her place anytime, son.
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Why Jaime? Why?, It’s okay I’m over the commercial I still get wood every time I watch your scenes in “Joe Dirt”.

2:58 pm January, 7 soy bomb said...

I f*cking love Jaime Pressly. She’s my Hollywood Crush, replacing the now disappointing Jennifer Connelly.

3:29 pm January, 7 creature said...

GAZZZZHHHHHBONGA! is the sound of my meat doing jumping jax in my corduroy

3:33 pm January, 7 creature said...

& I ‘firmly” believe that Tiffany’s suit properly accentuates her outrageously curvaceous rig!

3:34 pm January, 7 creature said...

FWAP, FWAP, FWAP FWAP…. I believe a bird may be trapped in my flat

3:56 pm January, 7 massengill said...

This Swollen Members thing: Obviously a make-up call for allowing Nickelback and Bieber through. A little late, but I guess we have to take what we can get. And he should be happy. That kind of notoriety can only boost sales. With the internet they can do some ZooTV type shit and he can work from home! Or Panera! He can do some streaming webcam shit to be in the concert.

4:26 pm January, 7 Nancy Dreuche said...

Darth Vader video was funny. And if the Axe Ball Washer is that powerful you hombres may wanna think twice before using it south of the border. ¡Qué horror, son!
And even my grandma thought tasteful librarian pear was too square. And she’s from Victorian times!

Forget Some!

5:15 pm January, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I just had the best freaking pizza ever. It cost 45 bones but weighed about 15 pounds of fat and grease. Now I am happy and am going to research the Swollen Members, Pontoon boats, and waist to hip ratio of Tiffany.
Then I will have a bout of painful diarrhea and a hangover. And, Son, Prepare to die Son.

5:43 pm January, 7 The Dude said...

Based on DB1’s librarian fetish, I can agree with the categorization of the Pear pic as such. It’s a lovely silhouette of pear — a Pearouette, as it were.

5:48 pm January, 7 Wedgie said...

Sock has a mild case of Sonorrhea.today.

6:56 pm January, 7 Sir David Douchenborough said...

I am afraid my dear lubricated Best Buy employee may have forgotten a few of his lectures that he took at Reno’s community college, for becoming a near frictionless surface, albeit a triumph of engineering and science, will only result in a Slipe’n’Slide-like repulsion of any Hott daring enough to get any nearer to his BP approved skin.
.
Regrettably, ’tis another one of many accidental douchal paradoxes.
.
The vestiges of the turn-of-the-millennium pop culture of MuchMusic I see have unearthed themselves again. Given the absolute bright, varnished visuals and headache inducing shiny veneer that would be able to shine a signal to the Pegasus Dwarf galaxy of Much Music videos, I’m surprised those Swollen Gentleman (do they have goiter perchance?) are still keepin’ real in Vancouver (though to be sure, Downtown Eatside can be a pretty poor place).
.
Speaking of MuchMusic, I did not have satellite, and MTV was not on our cable package. MuchMusic would just get whatever it could from MTV to entertain us Northern folk while giving us a steady diet of Canadian pop as soon as Canadian rock began its fade away from rotation (hey hey you you, do you like some Cancon*?). If you thought Nickelback was bad, try the Moffats and Electric Circus (thanks MuchMusic!).
.
Don’t worry, world, in moments when there is a Barrage of Biebderdom and Incessant Celine, we can always trot out Rush.
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Now, if only I could some more librarians like Madam Librarian Pear where I am. It would certainly curtail the unease from the garrison of gunt addled banshees with whom I have had to contend.
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*For our dear friends in the south, Cancon refers to the regulation that any media outlet such as radio or video music channel must meet a quota of Canadian Content. Normally, this would be a great feature to really get into some of what the fair Canuck nation has to offer. For top 40 and popular rock stations, however, this resulted in running almost every popular Canadian song released, which, over time due to sheer exposure, may explain how Nickelback gets platinum or gold status up here. It is sort of like hypnopaedia , except worse.

7:39 pm January, 7 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Sir David, you like RUSH too? I give up. It appears I am outnumbered. Happy New Year, by the way. Good to “see” you here. I trust you got caught up. Son of Sharkbag, Denis Leary is unoriginal, some famous hott is married to a less famous douchbag, Zyzz shorts come in blue, Motorcycle Parts is still the sickest spambot this side of the interwebs, I have my own troll now!, and everybody but me likes RUSH. Yeah that’s just the Cliff Notes, but its been awhile since you’ve been around. Hope you’re staying warm up in America’s hat.

7:42 pm January, 7 Doucheywallnuts said...

Waitaminute….We continue to allow muslim shit heads into this country but the government has decided to ban a white rapper who has less talent than a squirt of my piss?

9:07 pm January, 7 creature said...

^tsk tsk, can we try to be a ‘tad’ more enlightened?

9:17 pm January, 7 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

I don’t see why we can’t start deporting the shitty white rappers who are native born here. Homeland Security could fabricate some “connection” between them and groups on the terrorist watch lists, couldn’t they?

9:53 pm January, 7 Hardouche Wankstain said...

Y’all need to get a dictionary and look up real, cuz that ain’t you, SON!

Motorcyle Parts v. Canadian Pharmacy in UFC 175623 live in Reno.

11:14 pm January, 7 Motorcycle Parts said...

I digress. So I am there I pipe down into the pit of sulfur, and I decided to try his ball washer on my knees scaly. I was bleeding. Even in a capacity of joke, even indirectly, that such things are for them ‘balls are in fact dangerous irresponsible. I

11:42 pm January, 7 dbBen said...

Ain’t no Ed Hardy belt gonna get no Tiffany out on the pontoon boat son!
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Truth be told, the guanacos on mount Yerupajá will sing soft serenades of mine and Tiffany’s love long after mankind has passed…due to the singularity. Son.
.
I liked the library hott, although I think she was in the tax code section which is kind of depressing.

11:46 pm January, 7 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Tiffany’s awesome hottness outweighs Timothy’s bareflesh but belted doucheosity by a factor of two big boobies to two small ballsies.

And for Tom Choad, ALL pear is emergency back-up pear by definition.

11:56 pm January, 7 Fatness said...

Hey Tiff! Haven’t seen you since junior year. Ditch the cabana boy and we’ll relive old times.

7:15 am January, 8 ehcuodouche said...

Axe just ripped off SNL

7:51 am January, 8 Medusa Oblongata said...

HAHAHAHA Oh, hell I remember that skit. Hey, ehcuodouche, I keep meaning to ask…what’s the deal with your avatar?

8:06 am January, 8 Wheezer said...

I like Tiffany’s boobies, but I agree that her bathing suit has to go. She would look much better naked…..and in my bed. With me. Duh.
.
And Tasteful Librarian Pear really stacks my shelves! Maybe that means something.

8:22 am January, 8 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I hat it when I can’t sleep, take too many Ambien, and wake up in a suspect position with my dog. Son.

11:16 am January, 8 ehcuodouche said...

It’s Woll Smoth – borrowed from here

http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Woll_Smoth

1:43 pm January, 8 Mr. Biggs said...

And yes – Tiffany makes me salute.

4:21 pm January, 8 darksouldealer said...

oh how librarians, well dressed or not make me want to read all about my bitter loneliness and know how much i deserve it just for the chance of seeing such bespectacled wonders of the world…file me wherever the dewey decimal system places lovelorn and forget me on the dusty shelves of memory as i eagerly await for the rare chance that you may someday come by and dust me off which i would be grateful as any of the greatest bj’s ive ever recieved in my life…tasteful or not, it was lovely and i thank you…son

7:22 pm January, 8 Sir David Douchenborough said...

@Nancy

Thank you for the update. I was off visiting Baron and Baroness Douchenborough and my fellow Lords and Ladies for my séjour of the holidays. Needless to say, it was grand old time of ensuring alcohol did not turn our conversations into awkward confessionals wherein we aired our longstanding grievances, since the day were born. Stiff upper lip and all that. Though, to keep with the stereotype, I did actually do some lumberjacking as my brother, Lord Richard Douchintin for some reason, needed to get back to his rustic roots.
.
I have to pop in and out nowadays getting a little swamped, and with the attention span of Akon, performing at a Sweet Sixteen party, I have only managed briefly to look at the choad parade. Glad to see Denis Leary hasn’t changed. Greg GIraldo will forever be immortalized by putting Mr. Leary in his place.
.
I know, a lot of people like Rush, but up here with the cold of winter descending upon us, some prog rock gets us out to shovel the driveway after the snowplow fills it in again. In fact, Rush was so cherished, they gave him the Order of Canada . Think of it as your Presidential Medal of Freedom but with poutine and tuques.
.
Zyzz changed shorts blue?; oh my, best the Zyzz fawners not install a black light in their basement rooms for they may be mistaken for planetariums
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You have a troll now? Nancy! It is like you are officially a participant of teh internets now! I just hope it doesn’t turn into a sequel of Single White Female or Bring It On….
.
I really thought Jaws’ movie took care of those crazy sharkbags, but they are reproducing still? Well, I guess they can go after the scrotey Stingrays, though if there are sharkbags, what would Scrotey Stingray look like? A muscled douche with a latissimi dorsi that have the wing span of a condor? The mysterious questions we must ask.
.
Glad to see you are still hunting. I must get back to my own little world. Good luck baghunters! *Hops on the Argo and rides away*

7:38 pm January, 8 Medusa Oblongata said...

Ahhhh, thank you, ehcuodouche. That has been itching me for a while. I even went to the old standby, http://www.knowyourmeme.com , where po-culture ignoramuses like myself get let in on the jokes. But I couldn’t find it there. Hurr hurr derp.

7:39 pm January, 8 Medusa Oblongata said...

*Pop-culture. Stupid Frank, quit bothering me when I’m trying to type. Yes, I will scrub you with the wire brush tonight while we watch Robot Chicken, just give me a minute, okay? Jeez.

9:14 pm January, 8 Fatness said...

*Hops on the Argo and rides away*
.
I can’t decide whether to be proud or ashamed to know exactly what that meant, and to have hopped on an Argo and ridden away myself…

6:43 am January, 9 Mark it Eight, Douche said...

I love it when they look like they’re trying to escape.

11:20 pm January, 9 Motorcycle Parts said...

I digress. So I’m hosing down in the sulfur pit, and I decided to try his scaly Ball Washer my knees. I bled. Although the ability of a joke, even indirectly, that such a thing should use them “balls are very, dangerously irresponsible.

12:01 am January, 11 mahjong said...

I have a permanent case of vibratory testicles and migrating penis with a touch of rheumatoid ejaculation.

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