Sunday, January 16, 2011

Infecting the Children

Like Dr. Jeckyl, Dr. Frankenstein and Dr. Phil before me, I face the tragic irony of having had the noblest of intentions in my work, but facing the tragic byproduct of having unleashing on society a toxic cowpig that smells like cigarettes and rug burn.

But I fight on. While my karmic penance for unwittingly unleashing a Snooki on the world is undoubtedly great, my work exposing the scrotewank and lusting their hotts will hopefully also count for something on my psychic writ sheet. And while douche culture continues to grow like toe fung, there is no retreat from the war on scrotewankery. Only mocking harder.

# posted by douchebag1
8:12 am January, 16 Douchble Helix said...

“Judge not, lest ye be judged.”
.
“Let no good deed go unpunished.”
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I’m not a betting man, and I love ya, DB1, but I’m not sure all of your good works will be enough. Just sayin’.

8:33 am January, 16 DarkSock said...

DB1: Unleashing Snooki the Slam Pig upon North America cost your Karma approximately $100,000.00.
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Every top shelf ass pear you post, such as Friday’s beloved Chipped Wall Pear, restores one (1) cent to your Karmic account.
.
The way to absolution is clear, my friend; it is through hot girl’s asses..

8:34 am January, 16 mr.reeve said...

I just threw up all over my computer. I am sending you the bill Boss.
My computer was just “Snookified”!

8:35 am January, 16 DarkSock said...

Next episode she shows the young lass how to sleep in her own vomit.

8:45 am January, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Next episode she teaches her how to wear the shaved hide of an orangutan.

8:48 am January, 16 mr.reeve said...

Next episode she teaches her how to develop a gunt.

8:50 am January, 16 Steve said...

Unleashing that thing into the world costed the collective I.Q. of this country about 5 points. If the average intelligence level in this country is 8th grade level, it’s now the really dumb 8th grader. The one that the teachers have to have a talk with the parents in order to decide if they can graduate or not.

Oh wait, I’m sorry, that was what happened with the dumb students back when I was in 8th grade. 1998. Not that long ago but seems a lot longer considering how much things have changed. Now all dumb 8th graders need to do in order to graduate is just show up.

Or fuck the teacher.

8:57 am January, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Next episode she shows her how to stretch her mouth using a speculum, a honey cured ham, and a 50-gallon barrel of olestra.

9:01 am January, 16 Wheezer said...

Next episode shows her blowing out a wet fart to, once again, give Pauly D’s hair that style and sheen.

9:10 am January, 16 Cherchez le Douche said...

DB1, some may call you the Alfred Nobel of our time.

Perhaps you could set up a prestigious foundation to annually award the most deserving mocker(s) for their efforts to retun sanity and bring booble hottie suckle thigh to the collective consciousness of the world.

The prize, of course, would be booze. Lots of booze.

And ho-hos. At least a half-box, depending on what’s leftover from the previous weekend.

You’re welcome, boss.

9:20 am January, 16 Society at Large said...

You suck DB1. No amount of ass pear can save you. We can go find that ish anywhere on the web. To rectify your karma you must stop completely and dedicate your efforts to helping all of the people you have wronged. Which, from the looks of it, is society at large.
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Or else you are destined to live a meaniless life surrounded by fake people with nothing but ho-hos and booze to dull the pain. If that sounds good to you then continue on the path you are currently traveling. And last but not least, fuck Fishslap.

9:31 am January, 16 Private Place said...

Hey look, I can jerk off in here!

9:42 am January, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Cowpig? Cowpig?

9:44 am January, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

That cowpig’s slamhole has had so muck sucked into it, it has an event horizon. Cowpig?

9:44 am January, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Snookie Monster?

9:51 am January, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Snookie’s pussy is so calloused she jerks her self of with a a freshly sharpened chainsaw. A Stihldo.

9:55 am January, 16 The Dude said...

Simply awful. Thank you very little. Snookified.

Now I need a cocktail, thank you very much!

9:56 am January, 16 Fatness said...

That kid looks like Alfred E. Neuman’s sister.
.
Snooki looks like the Fremont Street Experience at 4 AM on a Sunday morning.
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DB1…as long as you associate with the cultural cesspool which is anything MTV, your soul is lost.

10:55 am January, 16 Southern Scrotic said...

Next episode she shows how her bump protects the top of her head from repeated banging off the headboard.

10:57 am January, 16 creature said...

putrid, fetid cesspool of flesh… Albert Schweitzer weeps tears of blood

10:57 am January, 16 Et Tu Douche? said...

What disgusts me is the parents of this child who allowed their young daughter to be in this video and more then likely profited at her expense. Parents that pimp their children into the world of “Showbiz” are the real sleazebags..
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While not a great movie, one of the best mockers and exposers of hypocrisy, Sacha Baron Cohen’s “Bruno” has a great scene that does a great job in showing the lengths that stage moms will go to to get their children into the “biz” It’s quite disturbing and mind numbing.
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Snookie sucks!!!! I would of preferred a frolic video at least I would of gotten a little chuckle out of that.

11:33 am January, 16 G said...

If I “snookified” my ass, it would look better than her.

12:02 pm January, 16 Tom Choad said...

It’s going to be difficult for me to comment on this site in the future, because I gouged out my eyes while watching that video. I’m in so much pain right now, I am only hoping that my voice-recognition software is accurately translating what I say between the screams of agony.
.
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Totally worth it, though– I ‘ll never have to see Snooki or her ilk again. I will miss the pear, however.

12:11 pm January, 16 creature said...

a flatulating yak asshole could give better styling tips

12:51 pm January, 16 Hermit said...

I rarely watch TV so I’m only vaguely familiar with who she is, but it seems she’s missing the mark.
.
If she truly wanted to help children, (and those grandiose boobs were actual functioning breasts, capable of lactation,) U.N.I.C.E.F. could roll her into Sudan on a truck and feed thousands of starving infants.

1:00 pm January, 16 Mr. White said...

Isn’t there some law about felons not being allowed near children? Or about slam pigs not being allowed near children?
.
Please let their 15 minutes be up soon. I want it to be 5 years from now so some “Where Are They Now?” site can run their mug shots, faces rotten away by skin cancer and syphilis.

1:26 pm January, 16 Douchble Helix said...

Upon further review, DB1, you cannot say that this was a wholly unexpected consequence. It was your own conscious choice to the TV series with MTV. You knew what horrors might happen.

1:58 pm January, 16 Wheezer said...

@Et Tu Douche?, 10:57 a.m. –
.
Well, there’s always “AJ rippin’ it 2011 by, yes, “XclusiveFcukAJ” if you want to snork at some floricking action. I made the little twitboy mad, though, so be careful in there. But he’s someone we saw in action a few months ago and properly mocked.

1:59 pm January, 16 Wheezer said...

Ah, “floricking.” I’m not fully dyslexic yet, I suppose, but I still need a personal editor.

2:06 pm January, 16 creature said...

btw, Dr. Phil is a 6′ 4″ walking penis

2:28 pm January, 16 Nancy Dreuche said...

I’m with Tom Choad and Society @ Large on this one DB1. And like Hermit I don’t watch that much TV so thankfully I’m not over exposed to any of the crap MTV has to offer.

And I can only hope that when her 15 minutes are up, she spontaneously combusts. Less clean up and win-win for everyone.

2:31 pm January, 16 ehcuodouche said...

DB1, don’t blame yourself. You didn’t make them. You are only the entymology professor who turned over the rock they were living under for the class to study. It’s not your fault they swarmed out and slimed everybody. And it was MTV that decided to film them with cameras instead of spraying them with a can of Raid.

3:49 pm January, 16 DarkSock said...

I said it here months ago, but someone else had the do-right to put it in photo form:
ew
eqry5

3:54 pm January, 16 douchenexus said...

DB – your karma is so fucked up, don’t even bother asking for forgiveness or any that shit. For dumping Snooki into the world’s brain, you’ve got some serious hell time coming, dude. You and the snookster FOR ETERNITY. IN HELL.

4:14 pm January, 16 Sir David Douchenborough said...

Snooki will become the Mase of pop culture relevance. MTV just likes to revert to the mean as always, but I think the MTV organization is now being staffed by Hipster twentysomethings who are trying to be ‘ironic’ by giving this oligophrenic nematode an outlet.
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If anything, my valiant DB1, I must go after those twattycakes in their faux-woodsman plaid outfits (christ on a bicycle, I actually did some real lumberjacking over the holidays; the only tool those poseurs have wielded is hammer trying to fix their overly decorated netbooks) who are positioning themselves in the echelons of media and marketing for future benefit (while of course, denying they are ‘giving into the corporate machine’).
.
When the residents of Alexandria watched as the greatest repository of knowledge in ancient civilization be engulfed by flames by successive conquerers so too, we must watch as the roots of popular culture get singed by the cynical backers who foist these banshees of banality upon us.
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This too, though, will pass. The Nineties had Boy Bands, we had had douchebags. I wonder what variant will arise, next?
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I will say this: The tight women jeans thing really has to meet an abrupt end, fairly soon. The eighties had far less crack than this. Oh, and I will do my part, for when I see the tight jeans/plaid shirt combination, I will toss them a rib roast, an axe, and drop them in the Boreal forest somewhere north of Churchill, Manitoba. They can rip off stuff from the eighties and pop culture nineties, but nobody, and I mean, nobody ironically ruins my romantic memories of the grunge or early nineties .

4:14 pm January, 16 Mr. Biggs said...

Yeah that’s like Einstein feeling guilty about Hiroshima. Unless you thought it was a good idea to drop nukes on people. Or you think the nihilism of American culture is not best realized through accelerated douchification. Which I don’t, but I do.

4:20 pm January, 16 Sir David Douchenborough said...

@Darksock 3:39

That is a brilliant and apt comparison. It is rather soothing now that when I see snooki, I can just think of buddy hackett.
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I wonder if there is any Benny Hill within the rest of snooki’s cadre of crap companions.

4:21 pm January, 16 FoghornLeghorn said...

Holy sh*t. I’ve been fortunate enough to have never seen Jersey Shore, but I assumed Snooki was some kind of hot babe. Maybe irritating, but she’d definitely be hot. Now I find out she’s nothing but a chunky hairdresser with a butt as flat as a truck driver’s. My concocted dream world is shattered. At least I have one thing to hang onto–she is irritating.

4:45 pm January, 16 No Return said...

Don’t even try it.
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DB1 I say this without vitriol, and only a little bit of bitterness: you cannot be redeemed. Snooki is just the beginning.
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While you may have started this site with good intentions, and you pretend to still have them, you have crossed over to the dark side, and become what you mock.
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You may not wear Axe or Assfliction, but you are lost to us. You are only going through the motions now.

4:49 pm January, 16 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Sir David, it might be me, but your grunge link doesn’t work. But yeah, seeing plaid come back and ruined by the hipsters is rage inducing. And now not only are you a genius but you’re a rugged genius. Not fair! To quote some recent posters, “Now I must retire someplace private and jerk off.”

4:51 pm January, 16 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Sir David, the rugged genius comment was in regards to your wood chopping. I hope that’s not a euphemism.

4:59 pm January, 16 Sir David Douchenborough said...

@ Nancy

Ah crap, Here it is . Darn, I totally ruined the cadence of my post by wrecking that link.
.
I am afraid I am only mildly rugged (in fact, I did more hauling of logs than cutting down trees), and I am sort of middle of road when it comes to my knowledge of things. You never get too appreciate the depth of your own ignorance when you are challenged by people who are exceptionally talented in their field. My brothers still do not trust me with a back hoe. Maybe they are afraid I might attempt to demolish a hipsterbag slam poetry recital.

5:02 pm January, 16 Sir David Douchenborough said...

*to appreciate (and I am also a terrible typist)

@Nancy
I got the reference loud and clear. Luckily, ‘wood chopping’ is not a euphemism surprisingly given the plethora of other pithy references.

5:16 pm January, 16 Foot Licker said...

I demand that DB1 run an honorary Douchebag of the Month on Tom Brady. Next to Jeff Reed, is there a bigger douche in sports? The ridiculous hair, the UGG boots, the scarves, the man purses, and the preening all while being with hot chick after hot chick. He’s is the definition of a douchebag with a hot chick. And he just lost to the J-E-T-S!

5:25 pm January, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Brady is a douchebag And Dark Sock always mentions Buddy Hackett when I’m stoned on Purple Kush.

6:21 pm January, 16 Nancy Dreuche said...

@The Rev, Sir David always mentions chopping wood when I’m drinking tea. Weird.

@Sir David, the second link worked. Singing about Jesus and crowd surfing. If church was that rockin, I just might go.

@Foot Licker, Tom Brady is a grade A douche. Enough of him already. I don’t care that he sent dick pics to whoever. But a man purse! That’s just not right. If a guys purse is bigger than mine, its a definite deal breaker.

7:33 pm January, 16 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

Yep– revel in the schadenfreude, Patriot-hatterz. Rex Ryan has delivered them the bitter taste of de-feet.
.
Snooki and the rest of those losers linger on our culture like genital warts. You may be paying off this karmic debt for millennia, DB1.

7:40 pm January, 16 ehcuodouche said...

Every time a Boston team loses Bill Simmons dies a little inside. Someday it will accumulate enough.

8:47 pm January, 16 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Don’t worry, the female karma will be COPD from breathing all those hairspray particles and fumes. and hair falling out from all that teasing.

DB1’s karma? No Hebrew librarian hott future wives. Nada.

9:19 pm January, 16 Shaquille O'Rexryan said...

Hey Tom Brady, tell me how my feet taste!

9:38 pm January, 16 Douchble Helix said...

@Whoop-Di-Douche 8:47

Hey man, try to keep it within bounds, man. That’s cold. You may be right about ‘Nada’, but saying it right here on his site?

9:40 pm January, 16 Crocodile Dun Douche said...

I’m just going to go back to praying this is some sort of sick joke… otherwise, I don’t want to live here anymore… here, on earth, I’ll have to leave.

1:36 am January, 17 soy bomb said...

Full disclosure…I’ve been away from my fake online friends (you guys) for a few days…Tom Brady, America’s Quarterback®, just broke by heart and I’ve had to endure several hours of flak from my real friends. As an added bonus, this one chick I’m obsessed with just found out that I’ve been banging a mutual friend on the sly and that door is probably slammed shut forever. My stupid, drunk bad. On the positive side, I just got back from a brief vaycay to the least douchiest city in all the land…Seattle, WA. No douches, plenty of EF-Me boots wearing lasses and a lot of sh*tty weather. This is my testimony. Submit.

2:21 am January, 17 Motorcycle Parts said...

That teachers should have a talk with the parents to decide whether they can graduate.

4:13 am January, 17 Collaz B. Popped said...

Most of today’s TV programming directors should be shot.

Fact.

Buddy Hackett Snookie was hysterical, thanks DSock.

Im gonna have to side with my fellow baggers,,,,Tom Brady is one hell of a douche at times.

4:18 am January, 17 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

For whatever reason the video isn’t working for me. This sounds like it might be a good thing.
.
I was at the Brooklyn Brewery in Hipster Douchebag Central, Williamsburg, Brooklyn recently and all I can say is, “Fuck me.” The moment I transferred from the “G” to the “L” I was consumed with rage. Skinny jeans, plaid flannel and a Salvador Dali mustache should be grounds for justifiable homicide.

4:28 am January, 17 Collaz B. Popped said...

^MC 900 – The Burg is a horrifying place to be at times.

Im taking back the firing squad reference for todays TV Programmers..
…instead let them all have a night with Frankie Mercurio, no lube.

5:03 am January, 17 Collaz B. Popped said...

ps – I live in reknown Douche Territory – Bay RIdge, Brooklyn. 11209

At times I like my little urban neighborhood under the Verranzano bridge, with its multiple bars, restaurants, and Ass Pear of all shapes and sizes. The express subways get me to Manhattan in a half hour during rush hour. Shore road park and view of the Statue of Liberty, etc.

Other times, a Jersey Shore guido type “drives” down our crowded, packed, busy streets in an Orange, Convertible, Lamborghini.

He wears a black tank top, his face barely makes it above the steering wheel.

DB1 is right, we all must mock harder.

5:24 am January, 17 Blair said...

For shame, DB1. For shame.

5:29 am January, 17 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Dark Sock with the call of the year so far, and it will be tough to top. Snooki IS Buddy Hackett!

The great thing will be to watch the fall that all of these Jersey Shore scumbagdouchebags will experience. I can’t wait to see the inevitable cage match between JWOWW and the Kardashian who looks like a cross between Mighty Joe Young, Brock Lesnar and Chyna.

6:15 am January, 17 DarkSock said...

Snooki called; she said to tell you all “Moink! Moink!”

8:45 am January, 17 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

DB1 has merely drawn to our attention the massive amounts of douche already present in society, ya know, the elephant in the room we all were afraid to talk about.
But now it has become the overfed elephant, dropping equally massive amounts of poo everywhere it tromps.
It doesn’t even take a Grieco virus to spread the douchey-Bleeth disease any more. It has the human appetite for the weird and vulgar to thank for spreading it around.
If that really is the case, and I think it may well be, then DB1 is absolved of all his bad Karma and may well get his Hott Hebrew Librarian suckle-thigh gnaw-shoulder ex-wives after all, with their intriguing Oliver Peoples eyeglasses and prim shirtwaist dresses, ready-to-shed.

6:03 pm January, 17 Medusa Oblongata said...

I didn’t watch the video, I don’t feel like vomiting tonight.
.
That being said…DB1, from a Catholic perspective, you may obtain absolution, first through an act of penance and then by paying tribute to the church. Since this here isn’t a church, I will direct you to the Temple Of The Flaming Snatch(tm) of which I am Gorgon high priestess. Please send an Unagi roll, a bag of Blue Mountain coffee and one chocolate eclair. Then anoint your forehead with the holy waters of Mr. White’s fountain, and your sin will be forgiven.

7:12 pm January, 17 Andy Capp said...

I lasted three seconds on the video.
.
This plague needs a telethon.
.
I can see Jerry Lewis now…throwing this piece of human offal over his knee, and spanking her with his remaining vigor for 90 minutes, all the time swearing like a Tourette’s victim.
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Then Jerry expires, a martyr to our cause…
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She would simply add the achievement to her CV and move on…
.

8:41 pm January, 17 Wedgie said...

I think she’s dating an Asian who is hung like a horse.

8:25 am January, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Jesus Christ Boss! I’m sick on the weekend and this is what you do? For reals? I’m goin’ back into my self-induced coma if this shit continues. Quadruplebock and cold medicine, mmmmmmmmmm. Maybe I need to hit up the Rev for some medicinal herb.

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