Sunday, January 2, 2011

“Listening To My Penis”

As we bask in the glow of a successfully completed 2010 Douchie Awards and Christmas is finally over, the great Jon Lajoie says all that needs to be said.

# posted by douchebag1
8:12 am January, 2 DarkSock said...

I like his shirt. Deal with it, Hatters.

8:34 am January, 2 mr.reeve said...

The only good thing about The League is Taco here.

9:01 am January, 2 Nancy Dreuche said...

Thank “god” I don’t have a penis. Probably explains why I’m such a genius.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SOME THAT I COULD GET? IF POSSIBLE, AT YOUR EARLIEST CONVENIENCE!

9:10 am January, 2 DarkSock said...

His cockk’s so small the only thing he hears is “The Sounds Of Silence”.

9:31 am January, 2 Et Tu Douche? said...

Here’s hoping all my fellow Hatters played safely this New Years Weekend and didn’t get any Brazilian Jujitsu on their elder child cockks. I’m off to the grocery store to see if I can pick up a Who Bag Jump Off if not I’ll Get Some Cheetos and settle in for the final weekend of regular season football.
.
Beinlich & HOF are idiots!!!!

9:37 am January, 2 Wedgie said...

Must be a full loser. My penis has only given me good advice. Including a massive short of Enron in early 2001. Fuck this guy.

9:48 am January, 2 Vin Douchal said...

Ain’t a single reason in the entire universe to click on this fucking fat twat cunt bitch fuckface* above but thanks anyway Db1.
.
.
Can a city possibly have 4 pro championship teams in the same year? I don’t even give a shit about the awful time burning yawnfest of assholes on fire, the criminally shitty NBA, but it would be cool to see the Celtics, Patriots, Red Sox and Bruins all take it in 2011, eh?
.
.

* fucking fat twat cunt bitch fuckface- used by permission from Stackhouse Poetry Licensing, LLC, BMI, ASCAP, MANBLA, ACLU, MADD (public service announcment in exchange for lighter sentence of poultry abuse) and DBOTY 2010

10:01 am January, 2 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Vin

I’m with you on the Bruins!!!!!!, Looch is a badass and Tim Thomas is playing well.

10:49 am January, 2 Medusa Oblongata said...

Jon Lajoie is pretty rad. Thanks, DB1, I need a laugh today.
@ Nancy D–I concur completely. Guys, this is not a knock on any of you, but I’m really amazed at how you are able to have a penis and still accomplish stuff. A dear friend of mine once said this: “Having a penis is like being chained to a one-eyed hunchback with a mental problem and you pretty much have to do what he tells you at least 60 percent of the time.” Well, shit. How do you manage to hold office, start wars, invent stuff and run companies under such circumstances? I’m pretty well occupied by the voices in my head, but they do support my creative endeavors quite a bit.

11:07 am January, 2 Musicfanatic said...

@Medusa

Porn helps. Men maintain their penises at regular intervals..Like opening a valve to release the pressure once in a while.

Comedian Louis C.K. gives some description of how hard it can be to keep the commitment of maintaining one’s urges.

11:55 am January, 2 Mr. White said...

@medusa
My penis is the one that does all my mathematical work. I just write down what it tells me.

12:05 pm January, 2 Andy Capp said...

My penis told me to take the Buccaneers and the points.

12:09 pm January, 2 Literati said...

Medusa,

It is the penis that starts war, invents things, holds office runs companies, all in the name of attracting the vagina. We are simply the instrument of the penis for the betterment of the human species.

So let it be written. So let it be done.

12:19 pm January, 2 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Medusa, my voices help me too! I’ll have my voices call your voices and we can set up a lunch date.

@Musicfanatic, Hahahahaha @ the C.K. link. FYI though I have never put flower petals on my own pillow. That’s just excessive and unecessary.

12:22 pm January, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

That was funny. I’ll show to Mrs. Kroeger later, My penis is telling me I better get out and buy a Wii Dance for my fat daughter. And not tell her she’s fat. Fucking genes. I need another drink.

12:23 pm January, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

And fuck off Jon Favreau.

1:26 pm January, 2 Geoffrey said...

Reminds me of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LF2nr7d580

3:12 pm January, 2 DarkSock said...

Jon Favreau is Walter Mondale’s stepson.
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Medical Fact.

4:29 pm January, 2 tall guy said...

My penis told me to go cycling yesterday for the first time since an ankle injury a few months back. Halfway into my journey at about the 35k mark at a remote, typical Australian city bushland environment that’s also a national park called West Head, I got a flat. A fellow cyclist, of which there were several because it’s a popular cycling spot, must have been told by his penis to help me out and in fewer than 5 minutes I was back in the saddle. A few kilometres further my penis told me to stop for coffee. After which I resumed my ride only to hear the familiar psssss of air escaping from my rear tyre. The same one that had just been repaired. I was annoyed, but walked the bike a few kilometres to a local hospital, where I thought I’d chain it up, get a bus home and bring my penis on 4 wheels (my car) back and collect it. I noticed a couple of cycles outside Emergency, so going inside and finding the lycra-clad cyclists (my penis tells me not to wear lycra so I wear regular shorts instead) I asked If they had a puncture repair kit. Something my penis failed to remind me to take. Fortunately they did and before too long I was back on the road again and able to bring my ancient French 10-speed back home. All the while though, my penis had other ideas.

7:09 pm January, 2 Wedgie said...

Even my penis thinks the Chargers should fire Norv.

8:38 pm January, 2 massengill said...

Please watch this informative video.

8:42 pm January, 2 Motocyclette Parties said...

To be a good lenient being is to procure a philanthropic of openness to the mankind, an gift to group undeterminable things beyond your own pilot, that can lead you to be shattered in uncommonly exceptionally circumstances pro which you were not to blame. That says something exceedingly impressive relating to the get of the principled passion: that it is based on a trustworthiness in the uncertain and on a willingness to be exposed; it’s based on being more like a weed than like a treasure, something somewhat fragile, but whose mere particular attraction is inseparable from that fragility.

9:44 pm January, 2 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Motorcyclette Parties, yes. Especially the trustworthiness in the uncertain part.

12:33 am January, 3 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

It is my educated understanding that the testosterone causing so many of the world’s problems comes out of the two attached balls hanging underneath said penis in a wrinkly scrote, and orders the penis around and creates other fuck-ups like war and bar-room fights and similar territorial urges, like ‘hood battles and bucking over babes. And fucking them too. And furthermore, alcohol adds an extra touch of je ne sais quoi. Especially Maker’s Mark and single scotch malts and cheap vodka, producing some altered hormone known as methylethylketotestosterone, which also powers fast cars (and racing boats, ask DarkSock).

1:41 am January, 3 Collaz B. Popped said...

My balls have a say in what my penis tells me to do.

“Its a 3 piece set!” – Dice Clay

Louis CK “Go Suck A Bag of Dicks” scene….

5:12 am January, 3 skrag2112 said...

As Zardoz once said, “The gun is good! The penis is evil!” We should all listen to Zardoz.

5:13 am January, 3 Motorcycle parts said...

I go to the supermarket to see if I can take Who Bag Jump Off, if not I’ll Get Some Cheetos and resolve the final weekend of regular season football.

6:04 am January, 3 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

^I was going to say that.
.
Damned Motorcycle Parts always has the best comments.

6:18 am January, 3 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

For those who haven’t seen it, watch The League. Awesome goddamn show!

6:31 am January, 3 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

* * * * BREAKING NEWS * * * *

MILA KUNIS AND MACAULEY CAULKIN HAVE BROKEN UP.

7:07 am January, 3 Mr. White said...

@MC 900
Once you get a chance to slurp at Natalie Portman’s lady bits, the kid from Home Alone just ain’t gonna cut it.

8:32 am January, 3 Long Time, First Time said...

Mr. White…

Yeah, I gotta see Black Swan. I hear it’s quite, uh, interesting.

8:36 am January, 3 Deltus said...

@MC900 and Mr White: that’s fukken hot. My penis just told me so.

9:05 am January, 3 DarkSock said...

I agree with skrag2112; we all need to heed Zardoz. Or any other man rocking a big red diaper holding a hand gun.
qwe

12:27 pm January, 3 MoeDouche said...

That cannot be our beloved Sean Connery!?! IS IT?

Seeing this picture is like standing backstage at a Victoria Secret show and witnessing that all of the ‘angels’ wear prosthesis, are bald, and wear dentures.

F*K! Someone is gonna pay for posting this picture… [:)

12:35 pm January, 3 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

@Mr. White…

I must see that scene. Not sure I want to sit through the movie though. Know if anyone has put it online yet?

12:40 pm January, 3 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Nevermind… answered my own question:
http://www.joblo.com/video/player.php?video=natalieportman_milakunis_blackswan1
.
In case anyone is wondering I’ve typed all of this using just me penis. Well, he TOLD me to. Jeez.

7:11 pm January, 3 Wedgie said...

Thanks Socckk for soiling my James Bond memories. You are Brutal.

2:25 pm January, 4 Mr. Biggs said...

Oh man, if you haven’t listened to Jon Lajoie, check out his Youtube channel. He’s got good stuff.

2:31 pm January, 4 Mr. Biggs said...

My penis and my brain actually have a healthy relationship. It’s my relationship with everyone else that’s strained. 😛

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