Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Porkuprong Kevin

Kevin was a solid minor league stage-1 doucher, what with the gelled up hair, stupid shirt and Hitler Chin.

But then he had to go for the subtle, yet smug, ass pear fondle of Glorious Hiney Curve Helen.

Which is just wrong.

But as wrong as it is, just be glad I didn’t slap you with Nuclear Kumquat as the main pic so early on this Wednesday. I almost did. But I gotta have some standards around here.

# posted by douchebag1
7:20 am January, 26 Fatness said...

Glorious Hiney Curve Helen is some Grade A+ ass pear which sent me right back into the shower to take care of some business.
.
Porkuprong Kevin is just a grade-A ass. Send him back to the kitchen…those Denny’s $2.99 special plates don’t wash themselves.

7:25 am January, 26 Fatness said...

re: Nuclear Kumquat. I will never understand the logic that thinks Construction Orange is a “natural tan” color.

7:27 am January, 26 DarkSock said...

I would cock-punch a rutting Sasquatch in a den of sleeping rabid hyenas wearing only Snooki’s severed head just for the privilege of paying $470 for a blu-ray box set documentary narrated by Britain’s leading naturalist Sir David Attenborough focused primarily on Helen’s soft purring farts after she eats too many bananas.
.
Then I’d make like the northeast US and make a big mess after I mount Helen’s.

7:30 am January, 26 DarkSock said...

Shouldn’t he be in some shitty band like Linkin Park or something?

7:37 am January, 26 mr.reeve said...

DarkSock, Maybe Lincoln Log? Like the kind I flushed down the toilet this morning.
Helen for HoH. Hopefully there’s still conditioner in the shower.

7:45 am January, 26 Deltus said...

I would take a job I hated as an actuarial calculations specialist and work it for 5 long years loathing every second of it and then one random Thursday hurl myself out of the 12th floor window in the VP’s office while shouting “I did it all for the cookie” just for the privilege of lapping like a kitten at the used wash water from the hand based soak job some Polish au pair did to cleanse Glorious Hiney Curve Helen’s undergarments 2 weeks ago.
.
That, my friends, is one goddamned fine set of buttocks.

7:48 am January, 26 ehcuodouche said...

This is like the Asian David Faustino

8:20 am January, 26 Nancy Dreuche said...

The facial fung and Hedgehog hair are really the most annoying things about Kevin. The shirts not that bad. Plus he looks pretty happy to be there and there are no stupid hand gestures present.
.
Change up the hair Kev and then you’ll be golden, child. Golden child, get it? Because he’s Asian. It was that one movie with the balck guy from Police Academy that loves trannies.
.
She has pretty hair and a nice smile. Finally, some quality tail on this site!

8:23 am January, 26 shawk said...

As Helen is grabbing Kevin, he can grab Helen.
Both seem to be enjoying it. I’d give both of them a pass and wish them luck in making cute babies.

8:32 am January, 26 mr.reeve said...

shawk, you are on the wrong site. Try again.

8:38 am January, 26 Vin Douchal said...

Helen is sweet like a mouthful of Poprocks and Mountain Dew after a shot of Ouzo
.
That chick with Nuclear Kumquat is about as attractive as Ron Jeremy’s package from hell

8:38 am January, 26 Vin Douchal said...

That chick with Nuclear Kumquat is about as attractive as Clint Eastwood’s facial mole

8:39 am January, 26 Vin Douchal said...

That chick with Nuclear Kumquat is about as attractive as Perez Hilton’s overworked starfish ass pucker

8:40 am January, 26 Vin Douchal said...

That chick with Nuclear Kumquat is about as attractive as Nick Adenhart’s autopsy photos
.
.
What? Too soon?

8:40 am January, 26 Vin Douchal said...

That chick with Nuclear Kumquat is about as attractive as Andy Rooney’s eyebrows in a New York hail storm

8:43 am January, 26 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Hiney Curve Helen is a HOF name, but does that make her a HOF Hott? In the Nuclear Kumquat photo I think both are guys.
.
.
That “chick” with Nuclear Kumquat is about as attractive as http://www.com.cuhk.edu.hk/varsity/9603/eating1.jpg

8:49 am January, 26 creature said...

if he wasn’t grabbing that ass he’d be a grade A homo…not that there’s anything wrong with that
.
thanx Douchey Walnuts you just helped me serve up a steaming puddle of vomit for breakfast. well done sir, tepid tequila has to come out some way or another

8:51 am January, 26 creature said...

btw, does Helen have an upper lip?

8:52 am January, 26 DarkSock said...

That chick with Nuclear Kumquat is about as attractive as analingus with a bear.

8:53 am January, 26 DarkSock said...

That chick with Nuclear Kumquat is about as attractive as a plastic Winn Dixie bag full of Mule Foreskins and olive oil.

8:54 am January, 26 DarkSock said...

That chick with Nuclear Kumquat is about as attractive as Snooki’s ingrown-hair-infected anal sac squeezings.

8:54 am January, 26 Wedgie said...

DarkShawk @ 8:23 FTW.
Your drunken twin is bothering us again.

8:56 am January, 26 mr.reeve said...

Douchey walnuts, I will be unable to get a boner for at least 48 hours. Thanks.

8:57 am January, 26 DarkSock said...

That chick with Nuclear Kumquat is about as attractive as a Greyhound Bus full of starving vampires fighting over one of Regis Philben’s casually discarded ass scabs.

8:58 am January, 26 DarkSock said...

What?

8:58 am January, 26 DarkSock said...

That chick with Nuclear Kumquat is about as attractive as Sarah Palin’s menopausal discharge.

8:59 am January, 26 DarkSock said...

That chick with Nuclear Kumquat is about as attractive as the fading stench of Jim Hensen’s fist sweat inside Kermit The Frog’s skull cavity
aset

9:13 am January, 26 Et Tu Douche? said...

I wanted to badly mock Nuclear Kumquat & Svetlana but my mind & soul just isn’t into it having learned that the “Realty” show Jizzy Shore will be taking up residency & filming in Italy. Don’t we as a country have enough problems with our image abroad?

9:14 am January, 26 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Helen is happy. Her father is a well repected oral surgeon, orthodontist and community philanthropist. Sometimes she goes to say Hi at his office, gives Dad a big hug, and sneaks into the nitrous oxide room for a huff or two with her two friends name Keli. She wins every beauty contest she enters putting the others to shame with her talents as a French Bassoonist and flaming baton thrower. She eats light and only goes to the gym to flirt with the personal trainers while buying overpriced bikinis and an energy drink. The energy drink is just to fit in because she fit fit as anybody and perky as shit. She didn’t do well in high school but got into a good school that Grampa endowed with a sizeable portion of his estate after he did an a bizarre amadillo attack while golfing in Arizona a few years back. Grandpa made a fortune in junk bonds a few decades ago. She doesn’t wear much makeup except a little eye shadow because of naturally lush lips and a lot of sun while playing tennis and socializing at the club. Oh, the club. Will get to that later. She does her own pedicures and hair afte Grandpa told her a penny saved is penny not fucked around with Son. He was getting the Alheimer’s when he said that. She hardly knew Grandma who fell of o boat after taking too many Ambien when the marriage was getting a little rocky. Anyway Grandma gave her fashion sense to Mom who passed it on in notes she had left for Helen when she started to get insomnia. Grandma was insisted that you had to dress in a way that was slightly revealing but not risque. Otherwise the boys with think they are getting the milk for free,
After Grandpa has died, and left his estate to Helen’s father, Helen went a little wild. She started hanging around the club and sneaking drinks at weddings and such when she was underage. One night there was an emo kind of band playing an event and while she staggering on the patio she saw the band smoking. She said Hi and asked someone to get her a few drinks at the bar. That guy was Kevin. An aspiring singer and guitarist who told her they were going into the studio soon but were staying indie and had no label yet. Aroused buy his bravado and swagger they took a walk on th e executive course and she gave him a blowjob on the third tee. She was still a virgin in her mind. Kevin left and she didn’t see him again until summer after sopohomore year at the club again and got banged for the first time in the club storage shed.
That was last summer. By September she knew she was pregnant and told her alcoholic mother, a shrivelled up shrew who that Dad had been cheating since Grandma died. She’s Catholic so abortion was out of the question. In September the bump started to show, Dad was incensed and stopped paying her bills. He was a strict Episcopalian until he blew his head off on New Years Day in his X-J 12. So Kevin and Helen now live in the pool house and she only goes out when Kevin has a gig. The babies name will be Jay and he will be born in March. Helen will take care of baby, Kevin still wants to rock, they never went to the studio, Mom is still drunk biut has to have dialysis daily and may have pancreatic cancer. Jay will attend community college taking sound engineerin. Helen will become an alcoholic pill popper, Kevin is forging cheques on Mom’s bank account depleting what was left after Dad spent most of fortune in Vegas on escorts and bad sports bets. Mom lasts quite a while through extended treatment at Cancer center’s of America and dies. Unemployed Jay is waiting for the will to be read. He is left the urn of ashes, his Grandpa’s Jaquar which had been restored and on blocks for 23 years, A Chinese checker board handcarved by mountain people near Tibet of Muskox tusks and leather, some old scotch, Grandpa’s bagpipes and sporran. He is the only one who received anything. Helen has cirrohsis so she won’t make it. Kevin is stoned on heroine knowinf financial ruin is impending. The bank is coming to take it all.
Day after Jay confronts his slowly dying mother who never bore another child because of Jason’s Tourette’s. and his shivering grey-skinned father Kevin who hadn’t had a fix in twelve hours cause they were flat broke. Were is all the money. He is told the family history and bludgeons his parents to death with Kevin’s last guitar, a Sratocaster, sells the car for $30K, drink the scotch, throws the chinese checker set into the lake, And hops a busride to San Diego with the bagpipes. His money runs out. No lobs for sound engineers in this recession Son. He take up male prositiution and dies at 32 in San Francisco from Hep C clutching his bagpipes in the hospice as he takes his last breath. The family name and fortune lost, there was no use going on. So don’t have dreams that you are licking the pussies of the two big black girls in Precious. Especially Mo’Nique. Because in the dream they smell of creamed corn and pigs feet. Then you wake up and realize that the dog has become incontenent and had just laid a big shit on the hardwood while she was asleep directly below your head while sleeping on the couch. You end up writing drug-addled stories where the only thing left at the end is Grandpa’s rotten fuccking bagpipes and dead. And always wear a condom and don’t watch Precious unless you are back on your medication.

9:21 am January, 26 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

This is a very minor douche hatchling. The runt of the douche litter. He almost looks likeable.

Oh, Helen, how a long to drizzle pomegranate juice over your lean, bronze Latino-Persian body while your text your friends in ancient Sanskrit about how small my peener is, though you are going to stick with me at least until you get the pin number for my debit card.

Now post the Orange Duo!

9:21 am January, 26 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^spelling and grammer bad. only had a few minutes before I go see my Dr. Feelgood to get sleeping pills

9:26 am January, 26 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Also TLDR.

Sorry, but I’m lazy as well as stupid. 😀

9:27 am January, 26 Douche Springsteen said...

I was going to say something about the glory of her ass pear outshining the fact that she has gums like Secretariat, but it all seems a bit pointless after the Reverend’s post up there. Might as well crawl back into bed with a bottle of bourbon.

9:33 am January, 26 Nancy Dreuche said...

@The Rev, don’t know wether to laugh or cry, so I’lll just comment. And you couldn’t pay me enough money to watch Precious. Medicated or not. Downer newstory on the big screen. I know all of your stories don’t have to have Seadoos but I think this one could have benefited for some much needed levity. At least nooone’s vagina fell out, so thank you for that. Watch some Caddyshack today man before you end up on the fast train to Bummersville.

9:45 am January, 26 tall guy said...

I have to agree with all the previous accolade re. Helen’s fine arse. Her face isn’t too shabby either. I want her. Entry level douche needs to watch out. The virus spreads faster than Helen’s legs, mate!

9:58 am January, 26 Deltus said...

That chick with Nuclear Kumquat is about as attractive as Nick Nolte’s mugshot after a 2-week bender.

10:00 am January, 26 Deltus said...

That chick with Nuclear Kumquat is about as attractive as the brightly colored ass-shavings off a baboon with a serious case of hemorrhoids.

10:01 am January, 26 Deltus said...

That chick with Nuclear Kumquat is about as attractive as Kelly Ripa without a stitch of makeup on.

10:02 am January, 26 Deltus said...

That chick with Nuclear Kumquat is about as attractive as the hand smell of a chicken sexer.

12:43 pm January, 26 Anthony LaBaglia said...

Rev:

People on ‘ludes should not drive. That was some prime shit though son.

2:57 pm January, 26 Medusa Oblongata said...

*HOOOORGHHHH*
.
That is all. That was in reference to that Nuclear meltdown.

3:01 pm January, 26 Deltus said...

That chick with Nuclear Kumquat will clean that up for you, Medusa. She has to have *some* purpose.

11:57 pm January, 26 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

You did us wrong, we are supposed to be mocking the doucheables, not the “nah-bles.”
Nuclear Kumquat is beyond doucheable, he’s heinously oranguatan orange with a Christmas twist.
So you’re excused.
This time.

12:36 pm January, 27 Stephanie said...

Helen of Troy inspires Rev Chad.

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