Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Reader Mail: “First They Came for the Douchebags…”

————-
Dearest DB1,

It is my pleasure to tell you that I have followed the teachings of Your Humble Narrator for quite some time now. yet I have never quite built up the gusto to comment, or email the DB1 with matters regarding the growing plague that surrounds me.

This changed immediately after my eyes were set upon the inglorious quadrilateral of taint that is “Carla and The Bros.” For I had realized that I knew one of the scrotestains within said picture, though for reasons of anonymity I shall not specify, and merely state that it was not Sabio.

Which brings me to my second revelation, and subsequent inquiry.

Having recognized one of “The Bros”, I then came to realize that an associate of his happens to be somewhat of a friend of mine.

This friend tends to exhibit the physical qualities of a level II or even level III bag at times, yet always appears incredibly sociable, and is quite kind towards the non-scrotey comrades I possess. I have nary the will to bring this to his attention, as he is incredibly large, and has provided his physical presence to assist me when other ‘bags act hostile towards myself, and my cadre.

How can I persuade this individual to subtly abandon the Tales of the Taint?

Or is overt mocking the only solution?

Requesting your guidance,
-Channing Taintum

—–

When one’s friend, co-worker or associate turns into ‘bag, the answer is never direct confrontation, C.T.

Mocking, from a safe distance and with the aid of a laser pointer, will help to enlighten all friends, neighbors, and gnaw hotties as to the silliness of his scrotey ways.

Eventually, cultural shift will force the choadwank to reform on his own.

# posted by douchebag1
9:31 am January, 26 Bigphatnotadouche said...

Look closely and guess the color of the carpet.

9:41 am January, 26 Mr. White said...

When did the douches start donning KISS make up? Is this the new 2011 signifier?

9:47 am January, 26 Nancy Dreuche said...

Hey star eye, that 4-Prongs move. You don’t want to be a second rate 4 Prong (a 2 Prong) now do you?

@Channing Taintum, you know one of the bros? Is it GayCrestGuy? He was my fave out of the trio.

9:53 am January, 26 DarkSock said...

@ Mr. White:
.
It’s gloryhole make up to trap otherwise hetero men into eye-fucking younger men. As you well know, the male penis (as opposed to the female penis) has very poor eyesite; this myopia is further exacerbated when it is thrust rudely through a glory hole doily. You can see how it would easily mistake this young chicken hawk’s clever ruse of painting his ocular cavity to resemble Paris Hilton’s chocolate starfish, and his tear duct as a urethra. In closing, I choose LIFE.
.
Note to self: stop taking pills RevChad mails us…

10:05 am January, 26 army (ret) douche said...

oh mr white beat me to it… could the overt eye makeup be the GSR of 2011? only time and agony will tell….

10:06 am January, 26 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Err… the guy on the right appears to be drinking urine, and he definitely has rosary beads around his neck. That would be cool IF 1) it is 1986, and 2) you are Madonna. Otherwise it is too sad and pathetic for words. Sadder than a paralyzed puppy in a tiny puppy wheelchair selling tissues for a nickel in order to afford kibble.

10:08 am January, 26 DarkSock said...

meanwhile, I reckon this is as far as you can go with porn:
qrt

10:09 am January, 26 DarkSock said...

^ You can see her uvula

10:09 am January, 26 Vin Douchal said...

Everything about this photo is awesome. Even Star Eyed Pointy Twink trying to emasculate the country with the world’s most macho male population ( Fuck you Mexican males and your 16 children-having families, you’re not even, not even close to Canadians, you don’t even skate) to the hotties being really kind to the poor little midget dude, ….ER ! …. little person.
.
‘Nuck chicks rule.

10:09 am January, 26 DarkSock said...

“Black Eye Peens” celebrate their grammy

10:11 am January, 26 Wedgie said...

Are they laughing at him, or with him? If you care, kill yourself.

10:16 am January, 26 Deltus said...

CT, it sounds like your friend isn’t quite a ‘bag, or if he is, he’s barely a Stage 1. Being pumped from gym workouts doesn’t automatically make one a douchebag. A couple of apparel-based adoucherements don’t either. Bring the topic up gradually, gently. Find a way to lead him to viewing this site, without making it overt that you’re trying to lead him away from the ways of the choad. He could yet be completely saved.

10:36 am January, 26 Nancy Dreuche said...

@DarkSock 10:08, Do you think those ribs are real?

@CT, my apologies, after rereading your query I see that you are merely a friend of a friend of one of the bros. But seriously, is it GayCrestGuy? How does he get his teeth so white? Is he gay or is his toothpaste gay? So many questions.
.
And I will back up Deltus’s advice. You can lead a jackass to water, but you can’t make him drink. But you can poke fun at him the whole time and hope that some of that sticks.

10:58 am January, 26 Wheezer said...

Heretofore unknown as a Paul Stanley fan, Peyton Manning went off the deep end after the Colts’ latest playoff defeat.

11:00 am January, 26 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I wonder how much the executives paid the cameraman to take the employee company photo for Toxins-R-Us Industrial Cleaning Services?

11:02 am January, 26 tall guy said...

I agree with the Deltus re. CT’s friend being not quite a ‘bag (yet), but act swiftly, CT would be my suggestion. Once the virus sets in its rapidity & stealthily progressive nature may be too much for a Stage 1 ‘bag to combat let alone ‘a level II or even [a] level III’

learn from it.

11:05 am January, 26 Fatness said...

^ What Deltus said, plus be on the lookout for fwippy hair and low “groo”-ing sounds.

11:19 am January, 26 Mr. White said...

@darksock
That’s still not enough. I want to see her dirty, whorey bone marrow.
.
But back to the point you made about eye-fucking and glory hole doilies: What are the chances of victims of this trick getting penile glaucoma or penile astigmatism as a result? I mean, I don’t need to know for myself. I have a friend who’s worried about it….

11:21 am January, 26 Blinded by the Shite said...

Never mind what size or strength the fung is, just walk right up to it and tell it what you think. It’s for the best. I’m right behind you.

11:58 am January, 26 DarkSock said...

@ White:
.
urethral myopia, and worst, IES (Impregnated Eyeball Syndrome) which culminates in a splitting headache, and 9 months later, a small Snooki-like humanoid.

12:57 pm January, 26 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

The Star is part of the superhero costume for “Velvet Smoking Jacket More Than Slightly Bi-Curious Man” his secret identity appears to be Justin Timberlake

1:07 pm January, 26 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

The brunette is a junior league Bleeth embryo, but I gotta say the blondes look like 2 week old cat puke in comparison.

2:31 pm January, 26 Collaz B. Popped said...

“Party Animal – F**K” I’m Famous”…..repeating concept in my head with disbelief…..

Height of Western Civilization right here, pic speaks for itself.

Dear Lord/Prime Mover/Dali Lama/et al (insert own deity here),

Please don’t let them send the cast of Jersey Shore to Italy.

– Humbly submitted for your approval
CBP

2:44 pm January, 26 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Collaz B. I’m “praying” right there with you. So embarrassing to have those mooks represent Americans.

3:54 pm January, 26 Baron Von Goolo said...

I always suspected that Ace Frehley and Paul Stanley had a clum baby. Now I know.

5:35 pm January, 26 Mr. Biggs said...

I agree with DB1. Dostoevsky said salvation is like pulling someone out of a tarpit with an onion stalk. You must be very careful not to pull so hard that the stalk snaps.

1:12 pm January, 27 Zowie said...

I offer this bit of dialogue from Messers KISS’ history:

Cat Man: Weird type of person. I wonder who could’ve done it?
Star Child: Good question, Cat Man. What do you compute, Space Ace?
Space Ace: Insufficient data at the moment, Star Child.
Cat Man: We better look into it.
The Demon: [growls]

11:31 pm January, 27 Channing Taintum said...

@Nancy Dreuche
Oh how I wish it was Gay Crest Guy, but unfortunately it was the far more universal ‘bag that was Guy on the Left. Though, I will have you know, that the bleeth does in fact belong to him.

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