Monday, January 3, 2011
Snow Leopards and Shoescrape Tommy
bam.
What, you thought I’d go light on you cuz it’s a new year?
I don’t think so. No Weekly this week, but we’re rampin’ up a full slate of hottie/douchey mock.
Shoescrape Tommy is two inches of plain undies poke away from finally making the manager position at Arby’s.
Snow Leopard Lonnie digs his impressive expertise at Call of Duty: Black Ops.
Manager at Arby’s? You’re being kind, DB1. To think that the parents of this putz at one time told him “oh, little Tommy, you can grow up to be anything you want! A doctor! A lawer!” Little did they know he’s grow up to be an ink covered idiot who dated girls with stinky crotches.
Shoescrape Tommy’s been locked out of the Weight Room for years it looks like. But he’s spent loads of time at the Tatt Parlour.
What a shame. She coulda been sweet.
Shoescrape Tommy, you are no Wretch-a-Sketch.
Snow Leopard? excuse me, I need to do a little hunting…
Christ, you can smell the fail from here.
I was already with my first mock of the new year but the eye on Lonnie’s hip freaked me out so much I forgot my mock.
Ulysses tried to maintain his composure as the ravenous lake carp flopped listlessly about on the wooden pier before turning and swallowing nearly all of Mildred’s thorax.
Thurston and Mina were the proud recipients of Montecore’s tanned and dried pelt once Siegfried finally told Roy the truth about his head and neck injuries.
Unless your name is Jennifer Lopez, why would you have a tattoo of Marc Anthony on your shoulder?
With a wet *POP* the first of 200 translucent azure eggs emerged out of the queen’s thorax ovipositor as she drained her victim’s clenched body below 100 pounds.
Katie knew if you wanted to catch bass, you needed a good source of worms.
Katie was stunned when she found that her Dad’s saying of “shit in one hand , wish in the other – see which one gets full first” turned out to be true.
Slim Shavie
This guy looks like he could barely assistant manage his way out of his own underwear let alone an entire Arby’s. I have a keen sense when it comes to these types of assesments so just trust me when I say this douche is dumb. Hence to for ipso facto his companion is dumber.
Tommy recently became the first hunter to kill a Siberian Tiger with AIDs, a shot that was heard around the tundra. He presented Lani with the magnificent pelt as a present but little did she know that she would be next to die from Tommy’s gun
Shoescrape Tommy is one of the beneficiaries of the extended unemployment benefits just passed by our esteemed Congress. He has been out of work for two years (they cut 25% of the workforce at the local Grease Monkey, and he was caught masterbating with one of the grease guns, which didn’t help his cause) and now has the comfort level that comes from knowing he can go another 13 months without having to wake up before noon. He is planning on getting a matching star tattoo on his shoulder.
Oh, and she is his first cousin….
Snow Leopards held on to Shoescrape Tommy for dear life fearing he would fall through the wood decking below.
Tommy, less meth and more food for you in 2011.
I can’t get over the creepy feeling that the chick is his mom. She really looks about 20 older than him.
Shane McGowan’s lost twin Shoescrape is being mocked by Lonnie as she throws the universal hand gesture “If only they could be this big”
She’s alright by me: kinda sexy in a backwoods, swinging off the tree rope into the pond , fucking in the rain in the back of a pick-up and drinking tequila in Vegas and riding the roller coaster at the top of the Stratosphere way.
.
.
He looks like the doofus that shampooed my rugs last week that I followed from room to room so he didn’t steal anything. Stinky, dirty fingernailed fucker
cracker ass crackers!
Shoescrape is still pissed that he and his girl were replaced at the last minute with Christian Bale and Jennifer Jason Leigh in “The Machinist.”
Tommy was tired of being a 98 pound weakling. So he added two pounds of ink.
The last time I saw a chest that sunken there was a kraken guarding it.
If that guy was any skinnier, the blond would be Sally Struthers.
Two shows nightly. Try the veal.
If that guy was any skinnier, he could use a tube sock for swim trunks.
If he gets winded his ribs make a cricket sound
Only lemurs can hear his farts.
.
.
.
Oh fuck it. Baron Von Goolo FTW.
As long as he is working at Arby’s and not trying to blow up my spot at Wendy’s. Hey, I started out mopping the floor just like you guys. But now… now I’m washing lettuce. Soon I’ll be on fries; then the grill. And pretty soon, I’ll make assistant manager, and that’s when the big bucks start rolling in.
Yuck! 6’3″, 84 pounds and proud of it. Take note, kids– heroin is bad for you.
She has to wear those giant magnifying glasses just to see him when he turns sideways.
Blah– she has a lip piercing, too. And I can’t tell if her hair is blond or white. She might be his mom.
“It was… soap poisoning!”
BVG FTW.
.
Those tiger-face blankets are always sold to the trashiest of trailer trash or the ghetto-iest of the ghetto, by dudes in vans at gas stations. Perhaps this is not something that happens all over, but it’s quite common here in the midwest.
^They might be blankets in the midwest, but here in the southwest, they’re wall art. Opposite the wall that has a Velvis and a Weeping Jeebus.
Looks like Snow Leopard Lonnie does most of the eating for this couple. If only Shoescrape Tommy was an endangered species.
Where the fuck was I all day? Oh I remember, getting drunk and smoking weed. On a useful note, I heard my 3 year old daughter say “tri-fung vag pube douchebag” when she saw Montel in some bullshit commercial.
What an attractive landscape to be sullied with a poor misguided tatted-up ectomorph and a bleach-blonde big-cat fascinated boom-boom. In other words, classic douchey-hotchick pairing.
Ah yes … a most worth vintage to ring in the new year, DB1. Top shelf flush.
I wish the wooden deck would give way, and drop them into Lake Shit.