Monday, January 3, 2011

Snow Leopards and Shoescrape Tommy

bam.

What, you thought I’d go light on you cuz it’s a new year?

I don’t think so. No Weekly this week, but we’re rampin’ up a full slate of hottie/douchey mock.

Shoescrape Tommy is two inches of plain undies poke away from finally making the manager position at Arby’s.

Snow Leopard Lonnie digs his impressive expertise at Call of Duty: Black Ops.

# posted by douchebag1
7:29 am January, 3 Taint Nuthin But A G-Thang said...

Manager at Arby’s? You’re being kind, DB1. To think that the parents of this putz at one time told him “oh, little Tommy, you can grow up to be anything you want! A doctor! A lawer!” Little did they know he’s grow up to be an ink covered idiot who dated girls with stinky crotches.

7:53 am January, 3 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Shoescrape Tommy’s been locked out of the Weight Room for years it looks like. But he’s spent loads of time at the Tatt Parlour.

7:58 am January, 3 Douchble Helix said...

What a shame. She coulda been sweet.

8:15 am January, 3 Wheezer said...

Shoescrape Tommy, you are no Wretch-a-Sketch.

8:38 am January, 3 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Snow Leopard? excuse me, I need to do a little hunting…

8:38 am January, 3 Deltus said...

Christ, you can smell the fail from here.

8:38 am January, 3 Claude Douchenburg said...

I was already with my first mock of the new year but the eye on Lonnie’s hip freaked me out so much I forgot my mock.

8:56 am January, 3 Crucial Head said...

Ulysses tried to maintain his composure as the ravenous lake carp flopped listlessly about on the wooden pier before turning and swallowing nearly all of Mildred’s thorax.

8:58 am January, 3 Crucial Head said...

Thurston and Mina were the proud recipients of Montecore’s tanned and dried pelt once Siegfried finally told Roy the truth about his head and neck injuries.

9:08 am January, 3 Wedgie said...

Unless your name is Jennifer Lopez, why would you have a tattoo of Marc Anthony on your shoulder?

9:10 am January, 3 DarkSock said...

With a wet *POP* the first of 200 translucent azure eggs emerged out of the queen’s thorax ovipositor as she drained her victim’s clenched body below 100 pounds.

9:11 am January, 3 DarkSock said...

Katie knew if you wanted to catch bass, you needed a good source of worms.

9:13 am January, 3 DarkSock said...

Katie was stunned when she found that her Dad’s saying of “shit in one hand , wish in the other – see which one gets full first” turned out to be true.

9:14 am January, 3 DarkSock said...

Slim Shavie

9:22 am January, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

This guy looks like he could barely assistant manage his way out of his own underwear let alone an entire Arby’s. I have a keen sense when it comes to these types of assesments so just trust me when I say this douche is dumb. Hence to for ipso facto his companion is dumber.

9:27 am January, 3 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Tommy recently became the first hunter to kill a Siberian Tiger with AIDs, a shot that was heard around the tundra. He presented Lani with the magnificent pelt as a present but little did she know that she would be next to die from Tommy’s gun

10:00 am January, 3 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Shoescrape Tommy is one of the beneficiaries of the extended unemployment benefits just passed by our esteemed Congress. He has been out of work for two years (they cut 25% of the workforce at the local Grease Monkey, and he was caught masterbating with one of the grease guns, which didn’t help his cause) and now has the comfort level that comes from knowing he can go another 13 months without having to wake up before noon. He is planning on getting a matching star tattoo on his shoulder.

10:00 am January, 3 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Oh, and she is his first cousin….

10:04 am January, 3 mr.reeve said...

Snow Leopards held on to Shoescrape Tommy for dear life fearing he would fall through the wood decking below.
Tommy, less meth and more food for you in 2011.

10:08 am January, 3 skrag2112 said...

I can’t get over the creepy feeling that the chick is his mom. She really looks about 20 older than him.

10:12 am January, 3 Et Tu Douche? said...

Shane McGowan’s lost twin Shoescrape is being mocked by Lonnie as she throws the universal hand gesture “If only they could be this big”

10:21 am January, 3 Vin Douchal said...

She’s alright by me: kinda sexy in a backwoods, swinging off the tree rope into the pond , fucking in the rain in the back of a pick-up and drinking tequila in Vegas and riding the roller coaster at the top of the Stratosphere way.
.
.
He looks like the doofus that shampooed my rugs last week that I followed from room to room so he didn’t steal anything. Stinky, dirty fingernailed fucker

10:29 am January, 3 creature said...

cracker ass crackers!

10:34 am January, 3 Mr. White said...

Shoescrape is still pissed that he and his girl were replaced at the last minute with Christian Bale and Jennifer Jason Leigh in “The Machinist.”

10:39 am January, 3 Baron Von Goolo said...

Tommy was tired of being a 98 pound weakling. So he added two pounds of ink.

10:40 am January, 3 Baron Von Goolo said...

The last time I saw a chest that sunken there was a kraken guarding it.

10:41 am January, 3 Baron Von Goolo said...

If that guy was any skinnier, the blond would be Sally Struthers.

10:42 am January, 3 Baron Von Goolo said...

Two shows nightly. Try the veal.

11:04 am January, 3 DarkSock said...

If that guy was any skinnier, he could use a tube sock for swim trunks.

11:05 am January, 3 DarkSock said...

If he gets winded his ribs make a cricket sound

11:05 am January, 3 DarkSock said...

Only lemurs can hear his farts.
.
.
.
Oh fuck it. Baron Von Goolo FTW.

11:15 am January, 3 massengill said...

As long as he is working at Arby’s and not trying to blow up my spot at Wendy’s. Hey, I started out mopping the floor just like you guys. But now… now I’m washing lettuce. Soon I’ll be on fries; then the grill. And pretty soon, I’ll make assistant manager, and that’s when the big bucks start rolling in.

12:29 pm January, 3 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

Yuck! 6’3″, 84 pounds and proud of it. Take note, kids– heroin is bad for you.

12:29 pm January, 3 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

She has to wear those giant magnifying glasses just to see him when he turns sideways.

12:31 pm January, 3 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

Blah– she has a lip piercing, too. And I can’t tell if her hair is blond or white. She might be his mom.

1:59 pm January, 3 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

“It was… soap poisoning!”

2:04 pm January, 3 Medusa Oblongata said...

BVG FTW.
.
Those tiger-face blankets are always sold to the trashiest of trailer trash or the ghetto-iest of the ghetto, by dudes in vans at gas stations. Perhaps this is not something that happens all over, but it’s quite common here in the midwest.

2:58 pm January, 3 Wedgie said...

^They might be blankets in the midwest, but here in the southwest, they’re wall art. Opposite the wall that has a Velvis and a Weeping Jeebus.

6:09 pm January, 3 Guid is Good said...

Looks like Snow Leopard Lonnie does most of the eating for this couple. If only Shoescrape Tommy was an endangered species.

10:41 pm January, 3 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Where the fuck was I all day? Oh I remember, getting drunk and smoking weed. On a useful note, I heard my 3 year old daughter say “tri-fung vag pube douchebag” when she saw Montel in some bullshit commercial.

11:40 pm January, 3 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

What an attractive landscape to be sullied with a poor misguided tatted-up ectomorph and a bleach-blonde big-cat fascinated boom-boom. In other words, classic douchey-hotchick pairing.

2:20 pm January, 4 Mr. Biggs said...

Ah yes … a most worth vintage to ring in the new year, DB1. Top shelf flush.

10:33 pm January, 4 Stephanie said...

I wish the wooden deck would give way, and drop them into Lake Shit.

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