Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Biebpocalypse

New Rule:

Any feature or display of windswept Bieberhair by anyone purporting to be heterosexual in presence of hot chick results in an immediately and irrevocable autodouche.

I don’t care how normal you otherwise seem. Autodouche.

Cassandra and her slightly less hot sister Nicole both make a rustic wood cabin a perfect setting for tree hump and pensive repose.

# posted by douchebag1
9:37 am January, 18 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Tree hump? watch out for splinters…

9:38 am January, 18 skrag2112 said...

Wow. Its like looking into a window of Justin Beiber’s future. Except, where are all the radioactive mutants feasting on his raw flesh?

9:43 am January, 18 Nancy Dreuche said...

Pink shirt AND “windswept hair”? Yessir, autodouche in order. I’m hoping those creepy fingers in the left of the frame are hell bent on silencing this pink douche.

9:45 am January, 18 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Bad look. Any teenage boys of my acquaintance that rocked that look went to brushcuts when the Bieber Fever started. And by teenage boys I mean teenage boys.

9:46 am January, 18 mr.reeve said...

He’s got Bieber Fever and apparently so do the blondes. Fuck you Bieber!

9:48 am January, 18 mr.reeve said...

Boss, so what you are trying to say is Tom Brady is autodouche? Taking the loss to the Jets pretty hard.

9:48 am January, 18 NeverSayNever said...

True dat DB1 I’m a belieber: autodouche

Man how rude! To take a picture when sweet little Nicole was already to exchange some tongue with big sis Cassandra! That fucking, preejectuclicking wannabe photographer should be slowly roasted over an open fire of tree humping stumps! Wait for the moment fool!

9:57 am January, 18 Wedgie said...

Practicing his future comb-over.
This pic is redeemed by truly All-American hottness; my-oh-my the one on our left has that clean, just-scrubbed look of a tasty little nugget that is just screaming for a good licking.
I am a big believer in the Sam Kinison method, whereby you practice writing the alphabet with your tongue.
Now you fuccers will all be singing that little ditty for the rest of the day.

10:04 am January, 18 Justin said...

I have Bieberhair on my buttcheeks, does that count?

10:10 am January, 18 Et Tu Douche? said...

What’s funny about Tom Brady is that he got punked/mocked by Bieber earlier this season on ESPN “Mayne Event” for copying his hairstyle and even wrote a song about it.. So Since DB1 has decreed that windswept hair styles are autoduche ergo Brady is Autoduche. Plus you ever see some of the outfits he has on at post game interviews? He looks like he just stepped off a runway and his Broke Back Mountain Stetson cologne ad’s don’t help his cause either.
.
Cassandra is all sort of yummmy, Brandeis goodness and by goodness i mean naughty.

10:21 am January, 18 Deltus said...

My nephew used to smack on Justin Bieber and dump him head-first into garbage cans for being an annoying shitstain.
.
True story.
.
No, seriously, true story. Justin Bieber comes from my hometown, where I currently reside. And sorry we didn’t kill him before he got too famous to kill quietly. We didn’t know. We… just didn’t know.

10:29 am January, 18 Vin Douchal said...

Fuck off Tom Brady hatters. No hairdo can take away winning three out of four Super Bowl appearances. Fuck Dan Marino while we’re at it. Loooser …
.
Now that the Pats are out of it, I gotta go with the money when I go to Vegas for the big game. I’m thinking the Jets can beat the Bears but not the Packers. If the Steelers get in, they win it.
.
And unlike the idiots in front of me as far as I see, I will not take a hairdo as a gauge of athletic talent. .
.
Troy Polamalu and Brian Urlacher have ther best two hairdos in the NFL

10:31 am January, 18 Vin Douchal said...

Is that King Duchuous’ fingers to the left ? Bieberhair Douche may be a minion

10:32 am January, 18 tall guy said...

Totally agree with this new classification. Bint on left is pretty now, although if she keeps this behaviour up there’s not a snowflake’s chance in hell that she won’t bleeth out.

10:33 am January, 18 mr.reeve said...

^I don’t hatte Brady but he does have Bieber hair. Just sayin. I go to Vegas for the Big Game too. Nothing like losing money and drinking while watching the game. Too bad I end up not remembering the 4th quarter.

10:34 am January, 18 NeverSayNever said...

@Deltus Now look what you did; you let the bieberous virus out of Raccoon Wig City and your former Resident Evil is now spreading around the globe banging our hotts at will! Your town folk should go gather as many hotts as possible and send them to me so I can work on a serum from their DNA… it’s the only absolution for your village!

10:34 am January, 18 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Deltus, we’ll let that one slide since you’ve given us such great terms like Tier 1, 2 and 3. But next time you have a chance at stopping an annoying child star you take it. I’m not advocating murder, I’m simply condoning it.

10:39 am January, 18 NeverSayNever said...

Tom Brady? Didn’t he play the dad on Happy Days? Anywho, if he has the doo, he is autodouche too!

10:40 am January, 18 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Vin–I agreed. Troy is a bit of an inspiration for me. He and I share the same hair. Mine is slightly shorter and redder. And I swear on my eyeballs I am white as the driven snow, so nobody can adequately explain to me, in my clan of laydeez with stick-straight hair, where it came from. Maybe my mom was a slut. Either way, whenever I see people rockin’ teh big poofs, I feel a swell of pride. And then I wanna ask what kind of conditioner they prefer.
.
Bieber hair, on anyone, including Justin Bieber, is serious autodouche. On anyone younger than ten and older than twelve, it’s a goddamn atrocity. I don’t have a son. But if I did, and he came to me wanting this haircut, I would grab him by the arm and drag him to the nearest barber I could find. And by “barber” I mean a 50 year old guy named Lou or Joe or Paulie, who smokes Lucky Strikes, uses a straight razor and cusses profusely. And I would instruct him to issue the standard Eisenhower, which he would do with aplomb. “Now dat,” he would say, the stubby, unfiltered cigarette quivering on his lower lip, “is a MAN’S haircut.”

10:47 am January, 18 NeverSayNever said...

@MO I like your MO! I say Eisenhower the entire current generation and let’s leave the faggyduche single digits behind! It won’t be long and we will be in the Scoring 20’s!

10:54 am January, 18 creature said...

Bieber coif + pink vkneck=shouting encoragement to a field hand…HO MO!

11:01 am January, 18 Justin Bieber said...

@Deltus

I remember when you used to suck my boy cock in Stratford before I had any pubes, sweetheart. The only reason your nephew beat me up is because he got jealous that you weren’t assblasting him anymore in that dirty treehouse of man boy lust you used to take us to with your delicious mango lotion and lube. And you had a little cock but that’s OK. I like every cock I eat even more. And thank you for biting my balls that one day to give me such a high voice. Love You. Email me at justinbieber.com/fanclub/manboy. And thank you for the Rabbi’s Badger.

11:08 am January, 18 Justin Bieber said...

@Deltus

If you are ever in Biloxi, Mississippi. Get in touch with me throuch the fanclub, mna boy link to go for a boat ride with my new BFF Mr.Sock.

11:08 am January, 18 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

Justin Bieber was OK when he played the pregnant teenager in Juno. I just don’t like him now that he’s pretending to be a pop singer.
.
.
Deltus, I told you once before that your hometown owes the world big for allowing that Bieber fever to grow to the point that it’s affecting pre-teens world-wide. At the very least, you better have eliminated any younger siblings.
.
Even the facial stubble on pinkshirt looks like it was applied with a mascara brush. Autodouche.

11:29 am January, 18 Justin Bieber said...

@Deltus

If you are ever near Montreal or Ottawa. Get in touch with me through the fansite and I’ll introduce you to a friend of a friend I have. He has some mean dope and is always stoned and drunk as anything. He really likes him the boys. We can go to the services at his church and hang out in the rectum. I mean the rectory.

11:36 am January, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Medusa
.
Do you mean a high & tight, a ranger stripe, or just a plain Doc Bunsen special? I’m down with all of them.

11:54 am January, 18 douche bagel said...

those aren’t fingers in the picture, four prong’s forehead is just out of frame

11:55 am January, 18 FlipFriddle said...

@Medusa Oblongata… as a proud father of a new baby boy, I hope that Bieber Fever will have been eradicated by the time he can say “haircut” but I’m sure some abomination is waiting in the wings to take it’s place. Eisenhower it is! Luckily there are still lots of old-guy Italian barbers in town that know what to do.
Bieber=Juno… hehe, good one, son.

12:40 pm January, 18 memphis doucheworkers local 421 said...

in the south, this swoosh is known as “bama bangs.” for some reason, every upper middle class white male in Alabama between the ages of 13 and 34 has this haircut.

12:45 pm January, 18 DarkSock said...

Todd learned a hard lesson about combing his hair with toilet swirl.

12:47 pm January, 18 Greek-God-like bodies and masculine features said...

In the Gay Clubs we call this haircut the “Pretenda Be A 15 Year Old”.

1:19 pm January, 18 Deltus said...

From what I can tell, there’s no other Biebers on the way up. And yes, all of Stratford hangs it’s head in collective shame that we didn’t nip that little problem in the bud when we could.
.
Funny story: Justin Bieber was in Stratford Idol (American Idol, Canadian Idol, etc. rippoff). He came in second. The young girl who came in first? SERIOUSLY talented. And she went nowhere, thus far.

1:21 pm January, 18 Nancy Dreuche said...

Hmmm, he may be a douche but I second thought I would probably let him have his way with me.

2:00 pm January, 18 Vin Douchal said...

@ Mr Reeve
.
You’re doing it wrong if you lose money on the Super Bowl. We should get together and crush some Ultras somewhere. I think we have some nice seats for the George Strait concert Saturday night coming from the pit boss, but other than that we’re wide open
.
.
And by we I mean a magnum bottle of Crown Royal, three Bulgarian uncles with questionable gum health but incredible touch on the dice, a Fontana policeman, an El Monte policeman, my bro-in-law craps croupier/black jack dealer/ card counter, the Rialto Libertarian candidate for dog catcher, three wives, two ex-wives, a fiancee, a designated driver niece that just got her license in December , a portable cigar humidor, a half-finished transgender (no, make that about 75% finished) , six cans of Kodiak, every Steely Dan, Toby Keith& Stone Temple Pilots cd ever made blaring morning noon and night(if I can get Uncle Leo to let me strap the boom box to his wheelchair) and a handful of wristbands to a banquet luxury suite for the game at the Riviera ( a dump I know but I’m a $30k millionaire at that place).
.
.
Huh?

2:43 pm January, 18 mr.reeve said...

@Vin, I don’t lose on the Big Game, I usually get shit faced and lose at black jack. Riviera? That’s way too high class for me. I am at the Santa Fe Station off the strip. Next to the great Big Dog’s Brewery.
We may have to find a way to have a beverage or 10 together. Nothing like old downtown Vegas. Deep fried Twinkie and a Jack & Coke on me.

2:57 pm January, 18 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

I got no complaints about Beaverhair, as long as there aren’t any landing strips trimmed into it.

2:58 pm January, 18 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Oh, damn. BIEBERHAIR.
Never mind.

3:06 pm January, 18 Vin Douchal said...

@ Mr Reeve
.
There’s a new place at the Four Queens. It’s not advertised and it’s quite small up in the back right hand corner as you walk in from Fremont.
.
It’s a cigar bar/Chicago style pizza place that makes their own brew. I know, …. just saying that gave me a half chubby.
.
Send me an email at gmail to see if we can line something up

3:31 pm January, 18 Frank Mercurio said...

There are three asses in this pic that I could get into. One of them is happier about that than the others.

4:04 pm January, 18 soy bomb said...

Stunned Stan there in the background once had the Bieberhair, but the combination of a chance meeting with John Largeman in a dark alley, watching this video, and listening to this song left him in his current, improved state.

5:24 pm January, 18 CanuckSmacker said...

So sayeth the shepherd
So sayeth the flock

6:33 pm January, 18 Collaz B. Popped said...

Bieberbags, Brothabags, Canadabags,
Standard American Douchebags ,Eurobags, Gaybaggery,
– Im just trying to get it all down….

7:11 pm January, 18 Guid is Good said...

NAMBLA says thanks for the Bieber jpg. Not so much for the douche.

12:50 am January, 19 Douchetacular said...

Would it be possible to combibe Beiber hair with a 4-prong

4-pronged Bieber…

My god…I rue the thought.

2:15 am January, 19 Canadian Pharmacy said...

Clothing worn during the post game interviews? Looks like he just emerged from an airstrip and his Brokeback Mountain Stetson cologne ad does not help his cause.

6:01 am January, 19 Wedgie said...

^Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

7:00 am January, 19 Wheezer said...

I agree: Bieber hair is autowank. Son. Especially when you’re 25+ and wearing a pink t-shirt.
.
You see, the ladies at “da club” might seem to be excited at recognizing the chump whose style you’re copying, but there’s that awkward hesitation in the middle of their exclamation of surprise (where they realize they’re the same age as you) that should be telling you “I made a booboo.”

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