Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Stay Puft Pantywankers

Ya know, other than my penchant for alcoholism and tasty Hostess snack cakes, I’m a pretty reasonable guy.

While I mock douchebags and lust their hotts on a daily basis, I’m willing to overlook some basic stage-1 douchetributes here and there.

You’re at a desert resort pool area? A little undies poke could happen. It’s possible.

I can even forgive bad sunglasses. As it’s bright out.

But when you chin fung it up, bust the Jesus bling, display the stupid tribal tatts, go shirtless but with plaid pants, all while hitting on a tasty trampy Arizona State bachelorette party, you are regurgitated pig feed.

You deserve all the internet mock I can offer.

Yeah, you, Burt and Matty. You are pee stain flush scooby scrub.

# posted by douchebag1
7:11 am January, 13 Collaz B. Popped said...

The dumbing down of America, Chapter 14 –

“Snookie Wanna Be’s and Snarling Douchebag Rosary Bead Bling”

7:16 am January, 13 Deltus said...

Thank GOD you turned it around, db1. For a second there I was thinking you were contemplating a notta for these taintwanks. There’s nothing about them that doesn’t absolutely reek of top choice poo.
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Actually, judging from what you can see behind them, the entire place is lousy with douche choad and skank hott. If only there weren’t the certainty of sapphic kissage from the bleeths, I’d say nuke the site from orbit.

7:18 am January, 13 Vin Douchal said...

This photo courtesy of Bummin’ Skanks with Greasy Cretins.com

7:31 am January, 13 Mr. White said...

Watch, as the much-feared Zombie Bleeth prepares to attack from the right. Soon these revelers will be nothing but a pile of greasy, gnawed-on bones. Zombie Bleeth will wander off, bits of foreskin still hanging from her lips, looking for her next meal.

7:32 am January, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

Good Lord, what an awful, awful sight. This is worse than that time that cop showed me the pictures from the motorcycle wreck where the guy’s face got sheared right off and was laying on the ground next to him like a Halloween mask. Because this, this is the horror of life, not death. This is the horrid way in which life itself becomes a breathing death; where there is no growth, no betterment, no desire to expand and improve and become excellent, to use the facilities that separates human from beast. This, my friends, is far worse than any violent end handed down from the fates. This is life perverted, life bastardized, life wasted on the living.
.
Yes, I’d love some Corn Chex, thank you.

7:34 am January, 13 Wheezer said...

The poohawk choad is AKA…..”Goatse Warrior”?

7:37 am January, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

HAHAHAHAH Wheeze, I was just looking at the photo in a painful blow-up, it does indeed seem to say ‘warrior’ on his lil’ tum-tum.
.
Bukkake Warrior?

7:39 am January, 13 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

My puter screen is fucked. I’d likey to rail those trannies before the tsunami hits. Phucket about it.

7:39 am January, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

I can’t read that thing on his chest. If my cholo-script-to-arial translator is correct, it says “Seets”? Yeah, I think that’s short for ‘goatse’, right, Wheeze?

7:40 am January, 13 Andy Capp said...

Zombie Bleeth will attack Warrior Wanker first….for she feeds on The Douche.
.
…and The Douche is very strong with this one.

7:42 am January, 13 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

The Thai on the left has an adorable stomach pooch to squirt on. What is it with me and lazy stomach muscles? Caesarean section guilt?

7:42 am January, 13 Wheezer said...

Maybe it’s “Seedse Posterior,” though only his chin fung broheim would know.
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I’m not checkin’ their shorts. Uh-unh…..

7:43 am January, 13 Taint Nuthin But A G-Thang said...

DB1 decreed not too long ago, Tribal Tatoo = autodouche, assuming you’re not in a tribe. This asshole could easily be in the “I’m gay, love gay sex, shop for gay shoes, drink at gay wine bars and listen to Nickleback” tribe. He’s got the signs. Nottadouche, for his tribal status? Anyone?

7:53 am January, 13 Mr. White said...

His tat clearly says “Sudso Warrior.” It’s to help him remember how, for one shining moment, he was the most popular kid in the third grade because of his talent for drinking dish soap and then belching out bubbles. Sadly, his 15 minutes of fame ended when Sherman brought in the “Penthouse” he found in his dad’s closet.

7:58 am January, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

This just in: Tom Hank’s son is a rappin’ fratdouche. Worse yet, he didn’t even come up with that shitty-ass song. He just remade the same shitty-ass song by Wiz Khalifa. I’m sorry I even know that. But my boss LOVES gangsta rap.

8:16 am January, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Medusa, Tom Hanks son is a bigger douche than those pictured here. I would like to see him get anywhere without his famous name and spew the same garbage. He won’t even make it to Vanilla Ice status.

8:20 am January, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

^ Word, son!!! He attends the somewhat prestigious Northwestern U. in Evanston, Il. You can’t spit in that town without hitting a mansion. Nothin’ says ‘gangsta’ like a rich white boy, son of a famous actor, attending a school for wealthy, pre-med brats.

8:21 am January, 13 DoucheyWallnuts said...

These two are engaged in stage-5 chodescrotery. No doubt they jerk it to the drift racing scenes as portrayed in the “Fast and the Furious” motion picture franchise, lust after cars most of us would never been seen dead in, and aspire to the lifestyle of Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and Michelle Rodriquez, as well as other scantily clad giggle-racing hotts.

And BTW, those are some skanky hoes….especially the one on the left with the big belly.

8:26 am January, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

@ Medusa, I remember when I was in college and ignored by those hunky frat douches. It was awesome

8:27 am January, 13 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

Is that brother i the background wearing a deerstalker cap? Who does he think he is– Sherlock “Homes?”
.
.
Wow… I can’t believe I even typed that. What a racist prick I am.
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Anyway, those blondies have yummy little pooch-bellies to distract me from their atrocious headwear and giant shades. Also, those two choadwanks fail at being anything other than skidmarks on the world’s toiletbowl. I think they could use a right good “Franking,” if you all catch my meaning.

8:29 am January, 13 Too Short said...

Medusa—I really like how you say “He just remade the same shitty-ass song by Wiz Khalifa. I’m sorry I even know that. But my boss LOVES gangsta rap.”

I would know that too if it were in the first paragraph of the article I linked to in the very same post.

8:41 am January, 13 soy bomb said...

Looks like I’m going to be calling in sick today.

8:53 am January, 13 Captain Scrote Sparrow said...

Pud-wankery vs. ZomBleethery in 3D
(i’d still spritz red bikini top bleeth’s belly with 3oz. of man-sac-gelate)

9:04 am January, 13 Andy Capp said...

CSS: ZomBleethery = win

9:08 am January, 13 Douchble Helix said...

Each and every pixel of that photo is worse than the one next to it.
.
However, the dude on the left has also either added the toothpick to his bagginess, or he has a giant herpes sore.
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But the 3 trollops? I think they are already engaged in what Chuck Noll would call “Getting on with their life’s work'” What more did anyone ever expect from them? And I’ll bet they’re rather enthusiastic about it. God bless ’em!

9:17 am January, 13 Wedgie said...

This photo, sans caption, explains why Mrs. Wedgie & myself have a long-term plan to build a home on some land her family has in Costa Rica.
I love the USA; I have lived and worked here all my life. But take a good look at this picture, my fellow Americans, and realize that these are the people who will be running the show when we all retire.
Two words of wisdom whose time has come: exit strategy.

9:22 am January, 13 Merle Baggard said...

Have you seen a dumber looking group of people?

9:30 am January, 13 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Corona light? Words fail…

9:36 am January, 13 dbBen said...

True story: I’m home sick today and I was so caught up in the horror of this photo that I missed The Price is Right.

9:41 am January, 13 Bob Barker's Mic said...

^
That’s a damn shame.

10:02 am January, 13 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

After seeing this picture and then “hearing” that Chet Haze “song” I feel like pulling a 55 gallon drum over myself and then have crack-infested weasels with ball peen hammers taped to their feet run around, over and on the drum for 35 straight days. The bliss that I would receive due to the disorientation and constant ringing in my ears would be preferable to having my senses assaulted by today’s yutes. Can I get a small loan (a few thousand) to buy enought lumber and associated bits to build my cabin in the woods? I’ll spend peaceful days there living off the land far, far away from the rest of society. Oh and BTW, if you get a package from me, DON’T OPEN IT!

10:02 am January, 13 Southern Scrotic said...

The girl in the pink tiara says, “Tee hee. Tee hee.”

10:10 am January, 13 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

WTF is in a can of Coors Light? Air?

10:15 am January, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Too Short 8:59
Is it? I didn’t actually read the article. Derp. I clicked on the play window and heard the song and said, “Ah, that’s that “Black and Yellow Song’ that X is always playing at work.’ I typed into YouTube ‘Black And Yellow’ and got the name of the artist. Thank you for showing me such a clever shortcut. Now come on over here, I want you to meet Frank.

10:19 am January, 13 Anthony LaBaglia said...

I gotta ask:

What is with this beardly shit? Every young douchebag in my neighborhood, and even the old douchebags, are going for the Grizzly Adams look. Full beard. That looks like shit dude. Shave. Fucking kids.

10:37 am January, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Nancy D 8:26
I went to art school. I was ignored by fey, heroin snorting painters.

11:05 am January, 13 soy bomb said...

HIV Chicks with HIVbags.

11:10 am January, 13 Stephanie said...

Get a real job little pool boys and skanks.

12:31 pm January, 13 Tom Choad said...

Skank-o-rama. They all deserve each other.
.
.
But tribal-tatt is definitely more interested in getting in his bro’s ugly shorts than any of the Bleeths’.

1:00 pm January, 13 Jacques Doucheteau said...

I don’t see any tatts on Grizzley Bagams there, but I’ll bet my VHS copy of Urotsukidōji he has one on his taint that reads “Property of Sedso Warrior”.

1:03 pm January, 13 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Sedsos lip herp has solidified into surgical stainless steel. It’s obvious how unhealthy this guy is from constant alcohol poisoning. His lips are cracked from dehydration and his fingers are all gouty.

6:33 pm January, 13 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Those aren’t club bracelets on their wrists, they’re hospital admission bracelets, and these folks are all in the asylum.

8:51 pm January, 13 Guid is Good said...

4 foot Bleeths do nothing for me.

2:43 am January, 14 wonderdouche twin said...

Solid proof that EMO girls to go to the pool.

2:30 am January, 17 Motorcycle Parts said...

Both fail to be anything other than choadwanks skid marks on the toilet in the world. I think they could use a good enough “free” if you all catch my meaning.

2:19 am January, 19 Canadian Pharmacy said...

That’s how horrible in which life itself becomes a death breathe, and there is no growth, no benefits, no desire to expand and improve and become excellent, using the characteristics that distinguishes humans from animals.

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