Thursday, February 3, 2011

Bob Is Not Actually a Maori Tribal Elder

But he fooled Judith into a half hour of giggling before she excused herself to get another cosmo and Bob hit on the waitress by showing her his headtatt.

The whole thing ended in disaster when the cheese fries they ordered at the bar were way too salty and Bob’s bro, Kevin, was, like, totally pissed at his girlfriend for forgetting his birthday.

And then, like they started playing Usher. Like, c’mon.

And then Kevin was all, “Yo, I gotta splits!” So Bob was like, “Bro! Hang a little longer!” And Kevin was all, “Where’d that chick go?” And Bob was all, “Forget her, she didn’t get on the Bob Train, she’s outtie!” So then Bob and Kevin all left and were kinda pissed off about the night on the drive home.

So while Bob is not actually a Maori Tribal Elder, he does experience tests of ritual passage in his own way.

# posted by douchebag1
1:31 pm February, 3 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Bob swallows the flesh sword in traveling circus side-show.

1:32 pm February, 3 DarkSock said...

Loughner already made bail? The NRA must have a super-strong gun lobby in Arizona.

1:33 pm February, 3 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Judith is either a sneetch, or she thought dudes would need a little help finding her box of nether candy.

1:33 pm February, 3 DarkSock said...

It’s easy to determine when Mr. Clean’s unfortunate Meth habit began.

1:34 pm February, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

The Bob Train only makes two stops. Homosville and Buttfucktown. I’ll wait for the next train please.

1:37 pm February, 3 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Hey look, it’s super villain Lex Doucher!

1:41 pm February, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

Hey Bob! Why don’t you tattoo yourself some hair? Then you can tattoo yourself a job and a loving family. The skys the limit buddy!

1:44 pm February, 3 Vin Douchal said...

Kevin

1:45 pm February, 3 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

I’ve got to toss out a rare ass notta here. He lacks snear, bling, and hand gestures. He also seems generally pleased to be seen with Lois here. Yeah he’s all acovered with dumb looking tats but that does not a douche bage make. Go in peace Mr. Clean.

1:46 pm February, 3 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

^WTF
.
BAG not bage.
.
Hooked on Phonics? No thanks.

1:50 pm February, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

I once had a dream where I crash landed on the Island of Funafuit. There I was tied up and gang banged by these sexy Polynesian men with tattoos much like baldo above. I woke up wet and sweaty and started crying. Why? Because in real life no indigenous natives would even rape me.

Maybe North Sentinel Island? I hear they have never been in contact with the outside world. maybe they wouldn’t find my visage so horrible and I can get some loving. Well before they ate me.

1:53 pm February, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

Damn you Douchey Lewis, but c’mon a head tatt?! I agree, if he were without tatts he would be okay. But the head tatt just screams “Look at me! I’m different! I neeeeed validation for my differentness!” If he was actually in a tribe, then pass. If he spent three hours watching The History Channel’s series on ancient tribes and their subsequent lore and then decided a head tatt would make him stand out from other white bald guys, then Douche.

1:57 pm February, 3 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

A Loughner comment. Harsh, son!

1:57 pm February, 3 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Bob thought that he could impress Judith by doing a haka as soon as Usher came on. The scene soon turned tragic when the loose head and tight head props from The All Blacks came in and beat the living snot out of him.

1:57 pm February, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

@troll me 1:50p, I fuckin’ wish I had time for a sweet vacation like the one you painted above. I’m gonna have to Google North Sentinel Island, if its like you say, I might have a chance there. Hey, how’s the erectile dysfunction coming along for you troll me? I hear Burgamont Root can help with that.

2:00 pm February, 3 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Bob’s fateful moment of indecision…
.
Bob: “I was thinking something tribal would make me look tough, ya know?”
.
Tattoo Artist: “There some stuff I did like that up on the wall, what do you like?”
.
Bob: “Geez. It’s so hard to make up my mind…”

2:12 pm February, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

@real me 1:57p Its Burgamot jackass. Your counter attacks are less effective when you spell things wrong.
.
@everybody, so this spellcheck thing is something you all think I should invest in? I mean it would help me fend off troll me with intelligent and well constructed barbs. But, eh, I think I’ll just continue winging it.

2:14 pm February, 3 Wedgie said...

Didn’t know Phil Collins got shaved & tatted up. He looks pretty good.
Doesn’t make up for “Easy Lover” though, fuccer.

2:15 pm February, 3 Fatness said...

Judith is bottomless and this nutbag is frozen there dazed like a queer in the headlights.

2:17 pm February, 3 Merle Baggard said...

The Hills have Douches. Or, the Douches have Eyes. I’m not sure.

Did you know that Let it Bleed came out before Let it Be? I always thought it was after and a reaction too the later, which perfectly encapuslated the difference between the Stones and the Beatles.

2:18 pm February, 3 Merle Baggard said...

But supposedly, the title simularity is just a coincidence. Weird.

2:29 pm February, 3 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

With albinism on both sides of the family tree, Bob knows it ain’t easy being green but he’s gonna roll that that way. Fuck I hate albinos, particularly Roy Orbison, the crazy assassin in The Da Vinci Code, Kim Cattral, and Powder. ??????

2:31 pm February, 3 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^ ya I know. He’s wearing contacts over his eerie pink rabbit eyes. Son.

2:35 pm February, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

Why would I need help with my erectile dysfunction? My enlarged clit gets super hard and looks like a four year old boy’s penis.

2:41 pm February, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

@troll me 2:35p, I’m no Chyna. But maybe you are. You might want to lay off the testosterone supplements. Also, you should quit pro wrestling.

2:45 pm February, 3 UFO Destroyers said...

Alopecia universalis and albinoism: a combination that will make a woman’s uterus shrivel when she thinks “what will my children look like?”

2:47 pm February, 3 Crucial Head said...

How do we sleep when their heads are burning?

3:06 pm February, 3 Vin Douchal said...

This guy is overkill as in I could kill him over and over again

3:12 pm February, 3 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Bob. I knew Captain Nero of Romulus and you sir are no Captain Nero of Romulus.

3:14 pm February, 3 soy bomb said...

Homeboy here should make a U-Turn to the Tat Emporium and order up some eyebrows.

3:22 pm February, 3 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Wow! I didn’t know that Sinead O’Connor switched teams and got into the tribal tatts. You go girl!

3:30 pm February, 3 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Nancy Dreuche

Any suggestions on how to cure my pharmacologically induced erectile dysfunction? I hate going the Viagara route. Could it be the fifth of whiskey and six pack a day? Could it be the doobies? Or is it the Effexor and Xanax combined with my high blood pressure meds. Please explain. What would you do with a limp biscuit?

3:42 pm February, 3 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

@ real Nancy Dreuche. I stand by my notta. Head tats are of poor taste. That can not be denied. However this may just be a matter of personal preference but I tend to “tag” bags more by their cocky demeanor as opposed to their outlandish attire, hair styles, ect. Is Mr. Clean odd looking? Sure is. I’m just not sure he’s a preening ass clown…which is the worst kind of ass clown.
.
.
@ troll Nancy. Why do you know what a 4 year olds junk looks like?

4:09 pm February, 3 Deltus said...

@Douchey Lewis: I see where you’re coming from with your notta, but the tatt spread is just too much. Tattoos are not autodouche, but there’s a limit to what we can allow.

4:39 pm February, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

@The Rev, I’m no doctor and I don’t even play one on TV but from experience you might want to stop mixing prescribed medications with homegrown medications. I would dial back the alcohol and doob just for awhile, see if that makes a difference because you’re just basically making yourself bipolar with those two. See Charlie Sheen for a real world example. Just stick to the prescribed meds, especially the one for the high blood pressure. And hopefully you’re seeing a professional about the PTSD. Talking that stuff out is the only way and it worked for me. Sounds like you’ve got a pretty supportive family and great kids so as long as you can keep your own inner demons at bay you should be good to go. I guess what I’m saying is sometimes our own worst enemy is ourselves. I wish you luck Rev and I mean it.

4:41 pm February, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Douchey Lewis, I see what you’re saying but I choose to agree to disagree. Unless he’s an actual member of a tribe head tatt=autodouche.

7:17 pm February, 3 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

@ real Nancy Dreuche…I see your side. Maybe he’s in the circus.

8:49 pm February, 3 Medusa Oblongata said...

All I’m doing is calculating how much I would have charged for all that tribal crap and I’m sad that he’s not my customer.

9:30 pm February, 3 Stephanie said...

Just a couple of harmless alternatives/punks/goths/tatted up too much their parents are embarrassed for them,and wish they would just get married and have a family and buy a house, the whole nine yards. No douches here. Just people that might feel regret for the tattoos,as usual-captain obvious.

9:33 pm February, 3 Stephanie said...

Listen,he’d be more of a auto douche if he acted like a peacock about the head and neck tats,but I don’t get that vibe. I just a see a guy who needs a little attention,and then someone didn’t stop him from going to the tattoo shop every fricken week.

9:56 pm February, 3 DarkSock said...

Someone should be cool and offer to take him bowling.

11:54 pm February, 3 Wheezer said...

“BOB IS NOT ACTUALLY A MAORI TRIBAL ELDER”
.
Fuccen revisionist history…..

5:00 am February, 4 Jean Luc Scrotetard said...

Bob’s face would make an onion cry

8:31 am February, 4 Captain Garanichode said...

Bob and the Real Girl

12:49 pm February, 11 el chefrey said...

what is wrong with white people?

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