Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Abstract Excretionism

That reminds me.

Did I remember to calcify the beachwood this morning?

And no, calcify the beachwood is not a euphemism for playing with the shminkydink. It is a metaphor for a hermeneutic muffin cross-spliced with a Vulcan turd.

# posted by douchebag1
3:31 pm February, 22 Mr. Biggs said...

Ow.

3:40 pm February, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

“And theeze will be the two new scratching posts for my two kitties Hector and Pablo. After the boys shred them I’ll macrame some totally cute glory hole doilies for the powder room!”

3:42 pm February, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

These chicks make Celine Dion look like Sally Struthers.

3:43 pm February, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

These chicks make Ethiopians look like that chick in that shitty movie Precious.

3:43 pm February, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

These chicks make Kate Moss look like Roseann Barr.

3:44 pm February, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

He makes George Michael seem manly.

3:44 pm February, 22 DarkSock said...

If these chicks sprinted through a crowd they’d sever limbs

3:44 pm February, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

He makes Elton John look like a member of the Crips.

3:45 pm February, 22 DarkSock said...

These chicks can jump through each other’s rectum without touching poot-wall.

3:45 pm February, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

He makes Richard Simmons seem like Chuck Norris.

3:46 pm February, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

He makes it seem like Justin Bieber has a shot at staring as Rambo in a remake of First Blood.

3:48 pm February, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

He makes Neil Patrick Harris seem like a shoo in for the role of Johnny Wad.

3:56 pm February, 22 Crucial Head said...

The only thing larger than their hair…
.
… is DarkSock’s cock ring.

3:57 pm February, 22 Crucial Head said...

And I say that with utmost respect in the non-gayest way possible.

3:58 pm February, 22 Crucial Head said...

Not that there’s anything wrong with utmost respect in a gay way, mind you.

4:01 pm February, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

This guy makes Boy George seem tough like Rosie O’Donnell. Wait, was that gay?

4:24 pm February, 22 Vin Douchal said...

He makes Perez Hilton seem like Mike Ditka

4:26 pm February, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

It’s sad when your moobs are bigger then the girls you’re with. Broseph, in the background, is having a good chuckle for himself at this display of eurobaggery.

4:37 pm February, 22 massengill said...

This is what sea monkeys look like a 400,000x magnification

4:38 pm February, 22 Taint Nuthin But A G-Thang said...

With humans this disgustingly ugly, how does our species find the will to procreate? Oh yeah. Alcohol.

4:43 pm February, 22 soy bomb said...

I could string my Ibanez with these chicks.
.
.
Continuing the music theme, this guy makes RuPaul sound like Mastodon

4:45 pm February, 22 Vin Douchal said...

He makes RuPaul seem like Wayne Brady

4:47 pm February, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

He makes Michael look like the Don.

4:50 pm February, 22 Bag A said...

I am fascinated. Is the term “bleeth” even appropriate here? I mean, these young women look a lot different from your typical vegas pool bimbo….bimboes…ughhh…bimbii?

No tats. No piercings. No implants. Yet, clearly not the girl next door. Are we witnessing a new strain of bleeth? Is the grieco virus transforming?

I might not be able to sleep tonight.

4:52 pm February, 22 Deltus said...

He makes Richard Simmons look like the Gene Simmons.
.
Wait, horrible example.

4:53 pm February, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Stackhouse and his jump-offs emerge as the stars of Michael Bay’s, Fantastic Voyage 2016: 50th Anniversary Edition.
..

Did anybody get that one?

4:55 pm February, 22 Foxy Mocksy said...

Modelbags. All threes of them. The girl in the middle is really pushing the limits of her unitard. She is like a white Grace Jones. Fierce and in control.
.
Eating is not on these ladies To Do List. For today, or this week. That means lube up boys, or else scalp tearage is in her future.

4:57 pm February, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Mr. Scott, prepare to beam up two aliens and a midget douchebag. Nurse Chapel, get ready to receive the victims. Chekov, go to full warp as soon as their onboard. Spock, Cosmos at eight as usual.

4:59 pm February, 22 Foxy Mocksy said...

@Bag A, these are Model Bleethi. Like regular Bleethi but hotter and thinner. Not as bad as actual Bleethi but they still have their issues See: Eating Disorders, Vapidity and obsession with Johnny Depp.

5:17 pm February, 22 Guid is Good said...

Ya ya, vork it!

5:52 pm February, 22 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

@Rev 4:53
Sorry, Rev, but that would require me to give a crap about Michael Bay.

Or Stackhouse.


Or even his jump-offs, really…

6:04 pm February, 22 Wheezer said...

Bag A (4:50 p.m.) brings up an excellent point: Boss, do you have other categories of bleeth? Yeah, we know there are stages, but these “women” should head their own group.
.
(And by “head”…..well, you can take that as you wish.)
.
But it appears Harry Caray’s great-granddaughter Cassie (short for “Cassowary“) inherited the “thin” part of his “grasp of sobriety.”

6:07 pm February, 22 Foxy Mocksy said...

Speaking of Stack Attack, what’s the ol’ chicken forker been up to recently? Its not like him to be silent for this long. The new Call of Duty has been out for awhile, football is over, Thanksgiving is long gone (the one holiday where he can really let his Poultry Prowess shine.), the Tour de France isn’t for awhile so…what up with our boy?
I mean you just can’t win the Douchies and then disappear completely. Unless the whole thing was a charade. Or better yet did the power of mock actually work? DB1, what’s the haps on the Stacks?

6:20 pm February, 22 Steve L. said...

i got excited for a second there when i misread the title of this post as “Abstract Exorcism”.

6:27 pm February, 22 Wheezer said...

@Foxy, 6:07 p.m. –
.
Funny you should ask – Stacky may actually be writing for cracked.com these days…..

6:30 pm February, 22 Bigphatnotadouche said...

Meth models and fag – get them a cheese burger.

6:41 pm February, 22 Hermit said...

Two table legs and a stool.

7:05 pm February, 22 DarkSock said...

He makes Fish Slap™ seem like Kerry King
qwe
Speaking of which: Hey Vin, can you spot the fake marshall 4×12’s in the background? As we buy ever more equipment in our band we’re realizing we should have bought ever less equipment. Now that I think about it, if Slayer REALLY had 20 4×12 Marshall cabs blasting from the stage, the guy at the mixing board would just say fuck it and slide the drums and bass down to zero; I guess the empty cabs are the same as the cloth backdrop and light show: stage effects.
arwee

7:37 pm February, 22 Douchelips said...

Disgusting! Someone feed those chicks something quickly.

7:40 pm February, 22 DarkSock said...

Those chicks are thinner than the GOP’s logic for putting Sarah Palin’s hand on the nukular button.

7:42 pm February, 22 DarkSock said...

Those chicks are so skinny their OB/GYN examines them with an X-Acto blade.

7:42 pm February, 22 DarkSock said...

Those chicks are so skinny their tapeworms have to ride their turds like horses

7:44 pm February, 22 Anthony LaBaglia said...

And their empty music.

8:16 pm February, 22 Foxy Mocksy said...

@Wheezer 6:27p hahahaha! As if Stackhouse could write that well.

8:16 pm February, 22 Wedgie said...

If they switched clothes with him, would anyone notice?

8:19 pm February, 22 DarkSock said...

Those chicks are so skinny their poops are mistaken for pubes.

8:20 pm February, 22 DarkSock said...

Those chicks are so skinny they use sewing needles as vibrators.

8:29 pm February, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Those chicks are so skinny they can only give head to floss.

8:31 pm February, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Those chicks are so skinny they wear see-through feet.

8:33 pm February, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Those chicks are so skinny they garnish their drinks with Death.

8:34 pm February, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Those chicks are so skinny their clothes don’t fit on the rack.

8:35 pm February, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Those chicks are so skinny that before you fuck them you have to drill a pilot hole.

8:36 pm February, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Those chicks are so skinny they are the only journalists in Libya.

8:36 pm February, 22 Leon Brothabag said...

“see-through feet”?

8:39 pm February, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Those chicks are so skinny they have release valves in their vag.

8:54 pm February, 22 ehcuodouche said...

This is what Stackhouse looks like in Bizarro World.

8:59 pm February, 22 ehcuodouche said...

Those chicks are so skinny the only way to have sex with them is to cover them in lube and have them hop in and out of your dick.

9:00 pm February, 22 ehcuodouche said...

Son.

9:02 pm February, 22 ehcuodouche said...

Bizarro Stackhouse doesn’t make beer can chicken. Instead he stuffs the beer can in his anus and throws the chicken away.

9:36 pm February, 22 soy bomb said...

Son.

9:39 pm February, 22 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Uh, casting call for the original Star Trek series was back in the 60’s, you freaky three-some.

9:42 pm February, 22 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

It’s difficult to be too critical of them. After all, they do have a freaky-clean, as opposed to squeaky-clean quality about them. Yet, I am sure a mouse would squeak at the sight.

9:51 pm February, 22 DarkSock said...

These chicks are so skinny only amoeba can hear their farts.

9:53 pm February, 22 DarkSock said...

These chicks are so skinny they risk amputation everytime they shave their tooter patches.
.
.
Where is Medusa…? Crucial….? Baron…..?

9:53 pm February, 22 DarkSock said...

These chicks are so skinny that runway models share their lunches with them.

9:54 pm February, 22 DarkSock said...

These chicks are so skinny they use Q-tips for tampons.

9:55 pm February, 22 DarkSock said...

These chicks are so skinny when they menstruate they simply grab the spent blood cells that trickle out in single file and toss them away like Frisbees.

10:11 pm February, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

These chicks are so skinny they disappear in a hall of mirrors.

10:16 pm February, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

These chicks are so skinny the teacher told them to walk in double file.

10:16 pm February, 22 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

These chicks are so skinny, they don’t fart, they tweet.

10:17 pm February, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

These chicks are so skinny Samurai Scrote used them as rolling papers.

10:17 pm February, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

These chicks are so skinny Johnny couldn’t walk the line.

10:18 pm February, 22 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

These chicks are so skinny, they entered as whippet bitches at the dog show.

10:20 pm February, 22 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

These chicks are so skinny, they enter the urethra when a guy fucks ’em.

10:22 pm February, 22 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

These chicks are so skinny, Samurai Scrote strung ’em as guitar strings and then played off-key for the performance.

10:23 pm February, 22 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

These chicks are so skinny and dumb , they volunteered to be the strings in a tea-bagging session.

10:36 pm February, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@W-Di-Du

“Whippet bitches” Hor-Ha-Hard-Di Har Har Son. Did you notice, I didn’t call him Richard? Son.

10:39 pm February, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

These chicks are so skinny I think I may go back on my meds. My name is Mr. Rance Stoddard. Esquire. Pilgrim.

11:18 pm February, 22 ehcuodouche said...

Those chicks are so skinny they moonlight as The Spiker’s hair.

2:03 am February, 23 Stephanie said...

The faces of meth

4:10 am February, 23 Motorcycle Parts said...

Broseph, in the background, is having a lovely chuckle for himself at this display of eurobaggery.

5:17 am February, 23 DoucheyWallnuts said...

This is like a frightening real-life version of Fritz Lang’s film, “Metropolis,” with a twist. In “Douchetropolis,” society is divided into two classes: Douchebags/Bleeths and non-douchebag/bleeths. The Douchebag/bleeths live in clubs and poolside, collecting government subsistence checks and/or living off mommy and daddy, while the rest of the world toils…

6:10 am February, 23 MissVonDerBish said...

Photoshop at it’s worst. Fake submission.

6:21 am February, 23 Collaz B. Popped said...

Chicks are so skinny they work as stop signs during the day.

7:07 am February, 23 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I missed my calling in life. I should be a personal trainer to such skinny chicks, and teach them how to enjoy a a double bacon cheeseburger and not worry about the calories.

7:51 am February, 23 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

There is so much hairspray that they should be categorized as a class 1 explosive. Someone approach with an open flame!

9:34 am February, 23 jm said...

Love the blue shirt. Do they sell any men’s clothes at that store?

1:25 pm February, 23 Stephanie said...

I’ll bet they shit once a month.

2:27 pm February, 23 Pliny said...

Has Roxy Music put out a new album?

7:02 pm February, 23 Medusa Oblongata said...

*Ice skating in* Did someone say my name? Good lord, I have been busy. Tax season has erupted upon us, and H&R Block’s Rapid Refund has armed an army of nitwits with cash for tattoos. But not just any tattoos, I mean the dumbest shit possible. If I put one more bible verse under some chick’s tit, the kanji for “strength” on some fratdouche’s inner arm, or one more ‘Live, Laugh, Love” or “Breathe” or “Faith” on some fat bitch’s foot/wrist, I’m going to be able to pay off my mortgage this week. That’s a good thing. But doing stupid tattoos still sucks balls.

7:03 pm February, 23 Medusa Oblongata said...

So! DarkSock…..where were we?
.
These chicks are so skinny, they have to burp through a straw.

7:04 pm February, 23 Medusa Oblongata said...

These chicks are so skinny, they use band-aids for skirts.

7:04 pm February, 23 Medusa Oblongata said...

These chicks are so skinny, they eat a pea in two bites.

7:06 pm February, 23 Medusa Oblongata said...

These chicks are so skinny, they used cardboard mailing tubes for their coffins.

7:06 pm February, 23 Medusa Oblongata said...

these chicks are so skinny, they wipe their asses with dental floss.

7:06 pm February, 23 Medusa Oblongata said...

These chicks are so skinny, they flew to this party in a private paper airplane.

7:07 pm February, 23 Medusa Oblongata said...

These chicks are so skinny they use toothpicks for dildoes.

7:07 pm February, 23 Medusa Oblongata said...

these chicks are so skinny they shit spaghetti.

7:08 pm February, 23 Medusa Oblongata said...

These chicks are so skinny they have to hold hands when they walk over the subway grate.

7:09 pm February, 23 Medusa Oblongata said...

These chicks are so skinny, they use grains of rice as slippers.

8:37 pm February, 23 soy bomb said...

Medussa is on the front lines of douchebaggery, where most of us are on the fringes, mocking from a distance.
.
.
We must never forget her sacrifice.

1:49 am February, 24 tall guy said...

I know I’m in late on this one, but sheesh! These chicks are… just so fucking skinny> And the dude: ewww!

2:23 am February, 24 appointment setting said...

The Douchebag/bleeths live in clubs & poolside, collecting government subsistence checks and/or living off mommy & daddy, while the remainder of the world toils

10:27 am February, 24 Medusa Oblongata said...

Thank you, Soy Bomb. It’s not easy. I have a steely resolve and a sound faith. It’s all that gets me through the night sometimes.

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