Friday, February 11, 2011

Friday Thoughts and Links

Look, Mummy! There’s a douchebag up in the sky.

As the odious Starhawk continues to fake-party and pretend he’s “lovin’ life” while the repo men reclaim his Lexus in the parking lot, and while Tiny Brunette Beth gives me what the Mayans term “The Eye of Coitus,” your humble narrator scratches himself.

I know what you’re thinking.

What makes this scratching of self different than all other scratching of selves?

For on this scratching of self, I used a rigorous up/down motion. On all other scratching of selves, I use a more languid left/right fondle.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Spearmint or Fruit?”

Check out HCwDB fans and thrash metal band “I Dream of Apocalypse” performing their latest mock of douchebags, Straight Fag. “Wives and girlfriends, drag you to Sears, you sip zinfandel, never chugging a beer” = pure genius.

In China, Alpha Males carry designer purses. The global Grieco Virus continues to spread. We must mock harder.

Bored college girls dress up as librarian nerd hipster hotts. I love them all, equally and with great, if brief, passion.

As the Hottie/Douchey dialectics move from the avant-garde of early HCwDB into mainstream collective reconfigurations of the mapping of popular culture, we will see the conceptual revolution launched here begin to emerge in other institutional frameworks. Witness the following art exhibit at the Philadelphia Museum of Art: The Peacock Male: Exuberance and Extremes in Masculine Dress. As we remap history along Foucauldian interrogations of culture and power, more of this will take place, culminating in the globally acclaimed HCwDB exhibition at the Guggenheim in 2023.

More from the douchebaggization of Canada: At McGill College, Two Bros Seek Third Bro. The Bros ™ plan a lawsuit for copyright infringement.

Sometimes all you need is a heartwarming love story about a man and a stuffed bear/pig lady.

Mediocre New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez hits on a high school girl, makes an early case for 2011 Douchiest Athlete of the Year. Not superdouchey behavior yet, but the year is young. With Jeff Reed out of the league, the field is wide open.

Okay, enough links from the world of masculinity in crisis, lets remember what it is we’re fightin’ for. Since it’s Valentines Day weekend and all, here ya go:

Milk Tub Heart Pear.

Go forth, fellow travelers on the hottie/douchey path of enlightenment. Another week has passed, and there’s drinking to do.

# posted by douchebag1
1:08 pm February, 11 Et Tu Douche? said...

Hmmmmmmm Pear!!!!!
.

1:10 pm February, 11 P.I. said...

Milk! It does a body good, and…. pear! 🙂

1:11 pm February, 11 Army of DOuche-ness said...

I’m gonna go ahead and say nottadouche on Sanchez. 1. it’s legal, 2. she wanted him and is at a sexually mature enough age to say so 3. biologically, getting with a girl that age is wise. 4. she’s out at manhattan night clubs underage….let’s face it, if its not Sanchez, it’s gonna be someone else and at least he has to be honest aboiut having a job, etc by virtue of being famous. whereas a 30k mili type could lie to an un-suspecting and naive 17 year old. 5. biologically, it’s also good that high performing (not bullshit performative) men have opportunities with attractive women

1:21 pm February, 11 Et Tu Douche? said...

Re: Mark Sanchez, I just read the article and then clicked on accompanying facbook excerpt, WTF is that on the girls neck?. Also gotta love Facebook.
.

1:25 pm February, 11 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

Not groovin’ on the milk pear tart as it looks more photoshopped than a Jennifer Aniston close-up.

I’m torn, however, betwixt and between the perils of dating teenage girls v. stuffed bear/pig ladies. At various times in my life, I’ve found myself strangely attracted to both. (And let’s face it, who hasn’t?)

Memo to Mark: It’s a lot easier to shut one of them up.

1:36 pm February, 11 Big Man on Campus said...

Re: Marc Sanchez. To his credit, at very least it didn’t take place in a college bar bathroom and he never texted pictures his penis. I would be willing to give him a pass for now.

1:49 pm February, 11 Wedgie said...

Wow, nothing fake in that photo.

1:56 pm February, 11 Wedgie said...

“Exchange student with funny accent preferred”. Classic.

2:14 pm February, 11 Anthony LaBaglia said...

Me likey milk.

2:14 pm February, 11 Vin Douchal said...

Note to famous people:
.
You are not immune to being dipshits that make dumb decisions.
.
.
Bands You Never Heard Of Dept:

.
The Bottle Rockets, Missouri’s answer to Alt Country , have a new album out “Lean Forward” with a great track called “Done It All”. It’s reminiscent of mid-career Jayhawks. John Horton is a very under rated lead guitarist
.
Live in a radio station:
.

2:18 pm February, 11 Sultan of BROnei said...

Isn’t McGill a Canadian university in Montreal..? Heart of the ghetto my ass, eh? Gotta love a couple of bros representin for their homies on the tough streets of Montreal I guess…

2:20 pm February, 11 Douchble Helix said...

The ‘librarians’ are a little too ‘Hansen Brothers’ for me.

3:11 pm February, 11 Vin Douchal said...

Bra! ‘s baby photo:
.

3:33 pm February, 11 Vin Douchal said...

.
.
Tit Stickers
.
NSFW, unless your company sells tit stickers

3:36 pm February, 11 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I likey the little brunette spinner, she’s perty. The other two look like they have been reborn out of Goatse’s evil anus.

3:58 pm February, 11 The Dude said...

Me like milk. Call me Harvey Milk. cept I’m not gay.

I just love milk. And pear.

4:05 pm February, 11 G said...

Milk pear and tit stickers…a great start to the weekend…

6:59 pm February, 11 Stephanie said...

The man and the stuff bear/pig lady is one of those who have life sized sex dolls,and cannot deal with real humans…. It was also featured on a BBC show,there’s manufacturers making life sized rubber/latex dolls, and some of them look more real life than the douche bags.

7:10 pm February, 11 Steve L. said...

the triple librarian dress up is one for the ages.

8:25 pm February, 11 soy bomb said...

“Look, Mummy! There’s a douchebag up in the sky.”
.
.
Intro to the epic song: Goodbye Poo Guy
.
.
.
I’m so very sorry for that.

9:39 pm February, 11 Charles Whitman's Ghost said...

Porny.

That pic.

Porny.

And not in the good way, but instead in that pimpled-ass, cheap spare room with Walmart sheets and flat lighting.

That is all.

9:47 pm February, 11 Deltus said...

I’d give him a pass. It’s legal, he didn’t seem to be a big douche about it, and let’s face it, if an NFL quarterback is hitting it, she’s GOTTA be hott. Notta from me, for now. But we’re watching.
.
Also? Milk Tub Heart Pear is what I’d like to give Mrs. Deltus for Valentine’s Day. It’s one of those gifts that, you know, is really for you. But a hott that hot, she’d appreciate it too.

10:00 pm February, 11 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

While Brunette Beth gives Starhawk the Eye of Coitus, the two blondes give him the Double Eye of Boobius.

11:25 pm February, 11 Wheezer said...

Milk Tub Hot Pear: I love her.
.
No pear here, but I’d love to stabilize her outer electron shells…..

2:43 am February, 12 Pekemo said...

That song was just fucked up. I get a laugh out of making fun of people who are clearly way full of themselves not to notice how much of an ass they’re being. But that song was just hatefully homophobic and sexist.

I thought this was a place to dispel the idea of “alpha” and knock people who believed in that shit down a peg. That song didn’t do any of that. It just listed a bunch of stereotypically “gay” trends and repeated the word fag.

Just seems pretty…awful, but hey, what do I know about metal.

8:09 am February, 12 Horace Dangleballs said...

Re: Sanchez and the “Half Plus Seven Rule”:
.
Take half the guy’s age and add 7. If she’s older than that it’s fine. Younger than that is creepy and douchey.
.
24/2= 12
12+7= 19
She’s 17.
.
Welcome to Douchebagland, Mark.

8:28 am February, 12 DarkSock said...

Pekemo:
.
It was a song about discarded cigarette butts that happen to be straight, not crinkled. These discarded butts are highly prized by the unfortunate portion of our nation’s homeless that remain hooked on tobacco in spite of their dire circumstances. These butt-men travel from awning to ashtray looking for straight fags, often lighting one from the almost-down-to-the-filter stub they have lit.
.
I am appalled at your lack of concern or decorum over this unfortunate lot. Considering that most heavy metal musicians are also homeless, your insult is doubly crass.
.
How do you sleep at night, sir? Probably like a baby.
.
.
.
A baby HITLER.
qt4e

9:09 am February, 12 The Dude said...

yikes.

11:41 am February, 12 Pekemo said...

I’m sorry guys but my mangina is a little itchy today and I need it scratched. My boyfriend is mad at me because I spent last night at the gloryhole. Lots of cocck but nothing in me. Going to try pressing flowers and bedazzling my murse before I hit the town after seeing Cats. I will start with a fruity drink and some molecular gastronomy, Guy Fieri is so butch. I live to dance. Sorry what I said about the cigarettes. You guys rock, I crave cocck.
.
.
Gay fag.

10:02 pm February, 12 Pekemo said...

Yeah, whoever imitated me, I actually am gay. So me and cock have a very intimate relationship. What about it?

Does it negate anything that I’ve said?

yeah…I didn’t think so.
And DarkSock….touchee asshole.

10:02 pm February, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

I’m a little bitter because Mr. B. won’t be here to share in a dreamy, romantic Valentine’s day with me, and by dreamy I mean spankings and by romantic I mean Cleveland Steamer. So I’m not feelin’ all the love and all I’d do to Milk Tub Pear is dump in a box of Corn Chex, which I would proceed to eat with a soup ladle. and when she asked me what I was doing, I’d sneer, with milk dripping down my chin, and hiss, “Nine essential vitamins and minerals, cunt!!!”
.
RE Two Bros Seek Third Bro: If they do in fact get that exchange student, I smell an 80s-style beer-sex-comedy movie that MUST be made.
.

4:58 am February, 13 alpha male jerkoff said...

we have nothing to fear in a war with China, the men carry purses there.

2:02 am February, 14 Motorcycle Parts said...

He also appeared in a BBC program, there are manufacturers of rubber so that the average life of dolls latex /, and some of them seem more real than life shower bags.

8:07 am February, 14 Tinkle VonNippleberg said...

Jesus – the bleeth behind the starhawk is the hello kitty skank. is she the only chick in Vegas. I can smell her cooch from here. Smells like burger king.

5:21 pm February, 14 Elwood Blues said...

@DB1: Shine on, you crazy Diamond.

11:34 pm February, 14 Dallas Hardwood Flooring said...

Crooked cops Ed Exley and Buzz Meeks confusing the children with their throats, as they move from the traffic of Mickey Cohen.

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