Thursday, February 17, 2011

Mandarin Orange is Still Mandarin, Still Orange

At least now we’ve confirmed that 2010 Douchie Award finalist for Orangest Orange, (barely losing to Dr. Redderick Lobster), The Mandarin Orange, is still tanning at Nuke ‘Em High.

Oh lithe brunette under eating and slightly malnourished Valerie sisters. Your crazy eyes suggest a steep downhill descent into anti-depressants, child support payments and alternative therapy treatments for most of your 30s. But for now, you “Woo!” with curvy and taut aplomb. And so I approve of your Wooery with lusty gaze and slight thigh itch.

# posted by douchebag1
2:36 pm February, 17 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

“slightly malnourished”?

Kissy-lips looks like Miss Ethiopia, 1985.

2:38 pm February, 17 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Asians don’t get broads that look like that. Unless they are sickeningly wealthy.
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What? Was that offensive?

2:45 pm February, 17 smackdouche said...

They both have a pornstar quality that I love, which is to say that I love pornstars.

2:47 pm February, 17 Mr. Biggs said...

I call Photoshop.

2:52 pm February, 17 Douchble Helix said...

It’s such a thin line between just right and too much…

2:57 pm February, 17 douche bagel said...

humping her would sound like a xylophone being tossed down the stairs

3:08 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

Humping her would sound like John Candy stepping onto a pillowcase filled with discarded chicken bones.

3:09 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

Humping her would sound like Regis Philben jogging uphill with a backpack full of coffee mugs and jelly dongs.

3:10 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

Humping her would sound like a fat kid riding a bike with a possum skull in his spokes instead of playing cards.

3:10 pm February, 17 Et Tu Douche? said...

I concur with Mr Biggs, The head on the Valerie on the right is huge compared to her body. She does have a Michelle Trachteneberg vibe going for here which is a good thing.

3:13 pm February, 17 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Humping them would sound like having breakfast with Snap, Crackle and Pop followed by some blue waffles.

3:19 pm February, 17 Blinded by the Shite said...

“Was that offensive?”
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I take it as read that everything in the comments section is offensive unless otherwise designated.

3:33 pm February, 17 Foxy Mocksy said...

@MC 900, if I’m not offended here I don’t really feel like I’ve gotten my money’s worth. But yeah, Orange Duck Dong here prolly has some serious scratch to attract the attention of the soon to be Desparate Ex-Housewives of DB1 here.
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I hope everyone’s delicate sensibilities were rocked to the core. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got some Mormons I need to drink coffee in front of.

3:34 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

Humping them would sound like Steven Tyler brushing his teeth with dice-filled panty hose.

3:35 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

Humping them would sound like a cement mixer filled with dentures.

3:35 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

Humping them would sound like flying a kite made of pleather and rat skulls.

3:37 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

Humping them would sound like Nicole Ritchie having a seizure in a Mexican Space Shuttle.
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^What??

3:38 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

Humping them would sound like John Belushi excreting a colon full of Mariachi players into a timpani drum.

3:39 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

She’s so skinny you can tell when it’s her poop time.

3:39 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

She’s so skinny her vag is an outie.

3:39 pm February, 17 jonezy said...

humping her would sound like Micheal J Fox brushing his teeth with a shake weight while riding a wooden roller coaster

3:40 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

She’s so skinny her dildo is a grain of rice.

3:40 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

She’s so skinny her menstrual pad is unwaxed dental floss.

3:40 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

She’s so skinny she could fist a mosquito.

3:41 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

She’s so skinny she has to wear gloves to hold a fork.

3:41 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

She’s so skinny she has to get a running start to get wet.

3:42 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

She’s so skinny she can never technically be nude.

3:42 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

She’s so skinny if you try to have sex with her without lube it will tear her scalp.

3:43 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

She’s so skinny she looks like chewed bubble gum on a lollipop stick when she’s naked.

3:43 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

She’s so skinny her pubic hair is on her sister.

3:45 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

She’s so skinny the Olsen Twins gave her their sandwiches.

3:46 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

She’s so skinny when she gives you the finger only dogs can see it.

3:46 pm February, 17 DarkSock said...

^What?

3:57 pm February, 17 Foxy Mocksy said...

Dark Sock 3:42 FTW.
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I just thought of something you could probably only do this site because we already do it. We can start a “Spite Club”. I did just break the first rule, but I need you to insult me as hard as you can.

4:12 pm February, 17 soy bomb said...

I would totally bang whatever mass that kissy-lipped skinny broad has right off her bones.
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Today was probably the wrong day to tell my mom about this site and what my avatar is.

4:43 pm February, 17 Mr. White said...

They’re so skinny they cause Q-Tips to develop eating disorders.

4:43 pm February, 17 Mr. White said...

They’re so skinny that two crabs, holding claws, can completely surround any one of their thighs.

4:44 pm February, 17 Mr. White said...

They’re so skinny that they can only support two crabs each.

4:52 pm February, 17 Southern Scrotic said...

They’re so skinny they can be used as chopsticks.

4:57 pm February, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

She’s so skinny that Harrison Ford wants to date her.

4:59 pm February, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

She’s so skinny that anorexics point at her.

5:00 pm February, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

She’s so skinny she has to stay out of the pasta station.

5:00 pm February, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

She’s so skinny she takes a running dive at elevator doors.

5:01 pm February, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

She’s so skinny she defies Newton’s three laws.

5:02 pm February, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

She’s so skinny her video comes in 1-D.

5:03 pm February, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

She’s so skinny her father called her Gone.

5:03 pm February, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

She’s so skinny she laughs at gravity.

5:04 pm February, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

She’s so skinny her resting heartbeat is dead.

5:06 pm February, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

She’s so skinny she showers in the dryer.

5:07 pm February, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

She’s so skinny she is replacing fibreoptics.

5:10 pm February, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

She’s so skinny her cat can’t lick her.

5:38 pm February, 17 Anonymous said...

@ 3:08.

I almost shit myself laughing so hard.

6:04 pm February, 17 Luis Douchuel said...

I’m wondering why this site, created for mocking douchebags, so often devolves into mocking the women in the pics. Maybe it’s self-esteem issues that drive them to these guys in the first place.

6:06 pm February, 17 Luis Douchuel said...

That sounds like serious buzzkill. Not my intention. It just isn’t as funny to me as douche mocking.

6:13 pm February, 17 Foxy Mocksy said...

@soy bomb 4:12p, I told my mom I was you. I’m waiting for hilarity to ensue, that or at least her monocle to fall into her tea.
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@Luis D. Equal opportunity mock is the platform I run on. Having said that, your avatar is so ugly it melted my avatar’s face off.

6:33 pm February, 17 Hermit said...

Renown Korean religious leader Reverend Tung Yung Poon reminds us that for a thoughtful donation of just twelve dollars a month you can provide nourishing meals and personal hygiene products for these unfortunate young girls and others like them.
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He also noted sarcastically, that the one on the left is so skinny, that if she stood sideways and stuck out her tongue she’d resemble a zipper,

6:46 pm February, 17 Kelvin Tan said...

“Asians don’t get broads that look like that. Unless they are sickeningly wealthy.

What? Was that offensive?”

Nope, that statement is dead on accurate. Just lucky 95% of my fellow of Asians push themselves ( or are pushed by their parents to do well) in school and good non-NCAA colleges (preferably Ivy League/Stanford/MIT) – graduate and get themselves a nice well paying professional job. Or like many Asian-Americans their parents or grandparents worked really hard in the 60s/70s and created substantial wealth for themselves and their kids to enjoy in 2011.

Also I find in my weekly attempts to pick up the hotties some girls (both Asian and non-Asian) enjoy the less aggressive, less macho and over the top game, the long game if you will. A nice contrast to the usual things. Of course only some. 90% of non-Asian girls won’t look at an Asian guy (50% of asian girls won’t either) , so one just works on the ones that do.

Cheers.

9:26 pm February, 17 Pommelhorse Pummelfister said...

@Luis Douchel,
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As Troy Tempest has so eloquently elocuted man,y many times before on these hallowed comments threads: we most mock the Bleeth as much or more so than we mock the douche.
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That’s not a buzzkill.
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It’s just the truth.

10:02 pm February, 17 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Oh for chrissakes, give ’em sammiches and feed him Cantonese. I’m tired of that Mandarin orange business.

10:35 pm February, 17 Mr. Biggs said...

Luis,

It’s our hope, or at least mine, that by mocking them for following their ridiculous body images we can return them to a more normal ideal.

6:10 am February, 18 Steve L. said...

dollars to donuts this guy does NOT speak Mandarin.

6:26 am February, 18 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Damn, I’m a little late to the “She’s so skinny…” party, but here goes:
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She’s so skinny even I’d date her.
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Yeah, I’m not a fan of fat chicks.

7:08 am February, 18 Mr. White said...

She’s so skinny, even Zyzz’s roid-shriveled cocck feels like a Patriot missile to her.

7:10 am February, 18 jonezy said...

She is so Skinny
Friday Haiku was canceled
Until she thickens

8:25 am February, 18 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Kelvin Tan
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Well said.

10:40 am February, 18 tall guy said...

Yeah, I find it baffling, Kelvin T: the number of men interested in Asian woman is inversely proportional to the number of woman (Asian or otherwise) interested in Asian men. I say you and your fellow Asian mates are on the right track with your observations re. ‘some girls’ too. I dated a girl last night who I’ve recently flirtedwith and was mildly annoyed at the way she was constantly checking out other guys in the restaurant we were seated in. First she gawked at a beefed up douche with trust fund tatts and a dead-eyed gaze. Next the chinless local bumpkin waiting our table got a very smouldering up and down look, then, the male component of a boozy couple seated beside us on the banquette received repeated smiles and raised eyebrows from my date as he fumblingly stood up to make his way to the bathroom and nearly fell onto our pizza (which tasted very ordinary). With her barely concealed eating disorder, her constant, neurotic babbling about herself, and her transparent attempts at determining my financial possish, I remain steadfast in my decision to not propose a second date – although if she’d have said “devour me, big boy” or something as I walked her back to her car last night I wonder just how ethical my determination would have been.

11:05 am February, 18 Doucheterminatrix 2.0 said...

@ Kelvin, sorry about the shallowness/racism of “some women”…I’m on my way to Vegas with my Taiwanese boyfriend right now. I’m of the Caucasian persuasion, but Asian guys really do it for me.
Play on, player.

11:56 am February, 18 Stephanie said...

They’re so skinny that when they turn there bodies,it looks likes 3 pieces of paper that are 5 feet tall.

12:24 pm February, 18 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I’m pretty sure that isn’t just a lusty gaze, but The EYE. You know what I mean.
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That’s right, they want some protein. Feed ’em a burger…

12:25 pm February, 18 I R A Darth Aggie said...

@smackdouche :
They both have a pornstar quality that I love, which is to say that I love pornstars.
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Charlie Sheen, is that you?

6:15 pm February, 18 nicbabe85 said...

why does no one ever talk about the douche-ness of the females in these pictures?

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