Monday, February 14, 2011
Sideways Morton Believes in Sideways Peace
Like Sideways Gandhi and Sideways Martin Luther King before him.
Zebra Tonya has a smile that liberates lions from the shackles of animal kingdom expectations and allows them to purr with impugnity.
Zebra Tonya is begging to be ridden. I will oblige.
I’ve often discussed on this site why I think it’s fine to lust after (but not pursue) the post-pubescent but pre-18 hotts, given that our biology was hardwired in the stone age to try to reproduce before our deaths at the ripe old age of 36.
.
This girl, however, is 12. I don’t feel right lusting after her even in my imagination. She has a pink canopy bed and Justin Bieber posters hung un-ironically on her bedroom walls. Step off, creepy 19-year-old-but-still-a-junior-in-high-school-guy.
This girl was once on Sesame Street, talking about how awesome the letter Q is with Grover.
.
That was last year.
This girl earned all of the Girl Scout Brownie merit badges.
.
She just got the last one, Cross the Street Without an Adult, earlier this morning.
This girl was just on the cover of the January 2011 issue of a magazine.
.
The magazine was This Month in Middle School.
This girl loved to play “Candyland” when she was little.
.
She’s into “Chutes and Ladders” now.
This girl used to idolize Dora from Dora the Explorer.
.
But now she’s way into Barbie.
Hello? Did all the regs get drunk and/or stoned during lunch?
This girl is still waiting for the doctor to cut her umbilical cord.
This girl thinks Justin Bieber is too old.
This girl idolizes her mother and Barbie because their pee-pees are bald too.
My friend Thorax Hammersmith just got moderated. He said this girl’s still waiting for the doctor to cut her umbilical cord.
.
Come to think of it, ’twas prolly a good reason that joke got moderated.
.
Hey, waitaminnit… aren’t I a moderator?
.
Hmmmmm…
This girl just realized that her girl parts can be a source of pleasure when she sat on her Tickle-Me Elmo.
This girl never new she was related to Fred Durst.
@Mr. White,
.
I believe many regs, including me, have been Pfah’ed by their IT police during work hours… making routine mocking very difficult.
.
Doc’s been very busy with us.
This girl is pissed Justin Bieber got snubbed at the Grammy’s last night
THIS GIFRL IS SO FUCCEN YOUNG SHE HASN:”ST LOST HERE TARMAL YET!
This girl is still baffled about the scream, the red spot, and the running away crying that her friend Amy pulled on White Pants Day.
This girl doesn’t know why the guys in her class always stare at the part of her that will eventually become her gunt. She called it her poofer.
I wouldn’t mind getting that “Piece” a little “Sideways”, and by Sideways I mean naked…. son!
@Mr. White: I don’t feel right lusting after her either.
.
Which is not to say that I don’t feel the lust. Just that I feel really guilty about it at the same time.
.
The older I get, the more that happens. And the more used to that dual lust/guilt sensation.
I’m guilty for the lust, and by guilty I mean boner. She reminds me of a better looking Blossom and I would of hit that because I likes me the tribes, You don’t fuck the nose right. Sons.
Tonya’s breasts are as the promise of impending Spring. Lying dormant, two tender daffodil bulbs, ready to be released from the icy grip of pre-pubescence. To burst forth and become fertile, jiggling flowers of vernal, booble equinox.
Why does he have a spatula tatted on his wrist? Does he club by night and flip burgers by day?
That girl’s young enough to be my daughter’s slightly older friend.
I’ve tried to have the following discussion several times in a late-night environment after many drinks and no topics left to banter about- always seems to creep people out:
.
When you lusted over some underage hott chick in a movie or tv show when you were also underage, but then watch the same program as an adult, are you supposed to no longer have the hotts for the hott since now you are too old and it’s creepy?
.
I’m thinking Winnie from Wonder Years, or Portman from the Professional, or for the older, gayer baghunters, Ricky from Silver Spoons- or maybe one of the Brady Bunch girls.
.
I, by the way, have not been able to answer this question, so I just assume you’re supposed to have grown out of it. Basically, I still like to concede that “damn, Winnie was hott” because that is how I felt at the time.
This is just a picture of two fetuses floating in Plinky’s mom’s womb.
That’s a very good question Jonezy. I am not sure how to answer that though, seing as how I only lust after my wife…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!11!!
This girl is only slightly older than the sperm I unloaded into the toilet a few moments ago after taking another look at Halo Angel in the Hall o’ Hott.
@deltus
I call it “glust.”
.
@jonezy
An interesting conundrum. I have a good buddy who says that adult-him still finds “Who’s the Boss”-era Alyssa Milano hot. I don’t think that’s wrong in and of itself, but on the other hand, he also insists that adult-him finds “Who’s the Boss” Milano hotter than the current (at the time) “Charmed”-era Milano, which….I guess by “good buddy,” I mean “possible sex offender,” because that’s kind of weird. But still, I understand the impulse. As a youth, I was quite infatuated with “Our House”-era Shannen Doherty, but now that she’s older, drunker, and bitchier, I find her…more attractive.
.
Wait, what point was I trying to make?
Winnie, Joanie, Pinky Tuscadaro, Susan Partridge, Marcia Brady, Willis’ dead sister, Jo and Blaire, Alissa,
the sisters on the fresh prince, Cosby’s daughter’s, the little girl from A Family Affair, Girls on Eight is enough, Tabitha on Bewitched, The olsen Twins when they were 10, Alannis Morrisette at 14. The starving girl on the Alan Thicke thing, Alex Keaton’s sisters and girlfriends. Elizabeth Taylor on Lassie. Judy Garland and Chaz Bono. What?
@jonezy 2:25p, you best not be dissing Ricky from “Silver Spoons”. I would have done anything to ride his giant train.
Old enough to lust after, but young enough to tell the douche to get his pervy hands off her, the creep…
This girl would rather ride horses than men, and is wearing a zebra shirt to prove it.
Brain transplant victim. Man, that guy’s face looks like stuff in my toilet. Girl,you CAN do better.
My friend just got Thorax Hammersmith moderate. He said that the girl is still waiting for the doctor to cut her umbilical cord.
Sideways Martin Luther King condemns Sideways Morton for being white. so there.
I knew Fred Durst was still alive! I knew it!
So a pedophile and Zebra Tonya go for a walk in the woods. As they walk it starts to get darker and darker. Zebra Tonya turns to the pedophile and says “I’m getting scared. The further we walk, the darker it gets.” The pedophile looks at her and says “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”