Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Wank

Some douches hitting on girl-next-door real world tasty Rachel Hotts like Rachel Hott here deserve incisive and elaborate critical deconstruction.

An erudite textual and thematic analysis engaging post-structuralist understandings of the generative modes of consumption read through a Birmingham School audience studies analysis of the meaning significations of their myriad cultural violations.

Others are simply wank.

Like this guy.

Wank.

# posted by douchebag1
7:17 am February, 2 jonezy said...

Ratchet cock blister

7:19 am February, 2 Wedgie said...

Is his last name Mercurio?

7:27 am February, 2 Hermit said...

When Rachel’s severed arm was reattached wrong, she was greatly distressed.
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She was however, the only woman at the Police Training Academy who could actually “shoot from the hip.”
.
The malpractice suit is still pending.

7:29 am February, 2 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

It appears that he’s having a bit of an issue with the hair plugs (obtained from an incontinent Mexican Whooping Llama) he got last week. They seem to be a bit unevenly spaced and you can see the line across the top of his melon near the back where it appears the insertions were started. I guess that’s what happens when you get them done on your smoke break by your bro Best Buy.

7:29 am February, 2 doucheitrealgood said...

Rachel is totally rethinking being the volunteer for the cheek to cheek skin graft that would last “only” 5 months.

7:29 am February, 2 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

motherfuccker. AT Best Buy. I need A LOT more coffee.

7:40 am February, 2 Vin Douchal said...

Rachel’s father, Rabbi Shlomo Weissen, did not approve of her dating the otherwise unemployed Cantor, Yuri Wankstein .
.
His non-Shabbos sheliach tzibbur evenings were spent in dusky open mic night arenas in backroom North Hollywood locales singing unplugged NIrvana songs and his constant hip thrusting to the “Shema Yisrael” was disturbing enough to make Mrs’ Goldberg faint during the high holidays , only to be revived by Wanks very inappropriate CPR tactics.
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“Can’t you find a nice Yiddusha fellah with a dental practice?” are the first words uttered by Rabbi Shlomo each day
.
.
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True story (thanks to Google for the proper terminology)

8:04 am February, 2 Vin Douchal said...

Barstool U.com , an offshoot of the very entertaining Barstool Sports.com brings us Charlene from Queens, NY, Smokeshow Of The Day :
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8:17 am February, 2 Steve L. said...

wow he’s squishing her face.






that’s all i got.

8:18 am February, 2 Mr. Biggs said...

Is this some kind of self-fulfilling ironic hipster version of Leisure Suit Larry?

8:19 am February, 2 Mr. Biggs said...

No, you’re right DB1. It’s just wank.

8:27 am February, 2 DarkSock said...

Look at her arm.
.
She cannot be restrained by handcuffs.

8:27 am February, 2 DarkSock said...

Her arm’s so skinny she flosses with it.

8:28 am February, 2 DarkSock said...

Her arm’s so skinny she severed his right nut while jerking him one night.

8:28 am February, 2 DarkSock said...

Her arm’s so skinny her radius is inside her ulna.

8:29 am February, 2 DarkSock said...

Her arm’s so skinny her electric pencil sharpener has to have a hand guard mounted on it.

8:29 am February, 2 DarkSock said...

Her arm’s so skinny her she has to put a thimble on to wipe.

8:29 am February, 2 DarkSock said...

^What?

8:48 am February, 2 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Her She? Great now I’m hungry for chocolate.

8:56 am February, 2 Captain Garanichode said...

That belt buckle has more girth than Rachel

9:04 am February, 2 Nancy Dreuche said...

What is this, HotChickswithFreakyArmswithDouchebags.com? Rachel’s purse looks like its about to snap her twiggy arm in half.
.
Wank if you don’t stop peering at me over your mirrored faux cop sunglasses I’m going to have to citizen’s arrest you for disturbing my peace. And don’t forget to return your tuxedo jacket to the Men’s Warehouse rentals when you’re done with it.

9:05 am February, 2 DarkSock said...

Rachel’s so skinny you can see when she’s swallowed Tylenol.

9:18 am February, 2 Guns-N-Douches said...

This is one of the scenarios where only one “douchetribute” is required for the subject to be labeled “Douche”. In this case, it’s the dreaded yet all too common “sunglasses on while in da club”. Hell, Miller Lite makes fun of this in one of their tv commercials. Yep, your aviators mean you are a total fuckstick of a douche.

And Rachel’s arm is so skinny she buys toe-rings and wears them as bracelets.

9:19 am February, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Gotto go with notta douche, though it was touch an go with the satin lapels for a moment.
1) Aviators instead of ridiculous wrap-arounds.
2) Ordinary blue jeans
3) Black belt instead of white
4) No evidence of tribal, Kanji, or any other dumb tat
5) No ab or groin reveal
6) No kissy-lips
7) Not orange
8) No Ed Hardy or A/X
.
Really, other than a slightly large western belt buckle, the satin lapels, and the over the glasses glare, he’s in the clear. Looks too much like me to call this douchery!

9:58 am February, 2 Luis Douchuel said...

Dude McCrudeshoes
.
Wait for the other pics. He is douche. It is in his aura and he can be nothing else.

9:59 am February, 2 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Mc Crudeshoes, the shirt is kinda douchey too. It looks like a Smurf’s moneyshot. I know because I watch a lot of Smurf porn.

10:26 am February, 2 Wheezer said...

Aaaaaand Vin adds yet another photo to my Spank Bank…..
.
So, Vin, in thanks for your efforts to help me maintain my tennis elbow and carpal tunnel, I give you Hockey Hotts…..

10:45 am February, 2 Deltus said...

He’s Stage 1, but still a douchebag. No notta from me. Them are some skinny arms she’s got, though.
.
Her arm’s so skinny it rarely gets wet in the rain.

12:15 pm February, 2 Crucial Head said...

Her arms are so skinny the wind whistles when she shakes your hand.

12:22 pm February, 2 Crucial Head said...

Her arms are so skinny she lost an arm wrestling match to Bethany Hamilton.

12:23 pm February, 2 Crucial Head said...

Her arms are so skinny she wears her wedding ring as a bracelet.

12:25 pm February, 2 Crucial Head said...

Her arms are so skinny it’s medically impossible for her to cradle a baby.
.
.
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Or Plinky’s mom.

12:26 pm February, 2 Crucial Head said...

Her arms are so skinny she can’t stop elevator doors from closing.

12:26 pm February, 2 Crucial Head said...

Her arms have the tensile strength of an overcooked spider leg.

12:28 pm February, 2 Crucial Head said...

Her arms are so skinny they too small to qualify as ADA compliant hand rails.

1:56 pm February, 2 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

The blues, violets and orange against black in this photo are a lot more interesting than her skinny arm. That’s chroma for ya’.

4:35 pm February, 2 Guid is Good said...

Typically, your douche spends too much time in the gym undertaking vaguely homo-erotic workout sessions with their bros. This douche needs to build some stronger neck muscles or buy smaller mirror aviators.

11:51 pm February, 2 Motorcycle Parts said...

They seem to be a bit uneven and you can see the line at the top of his melon on the back where it seems insertions were launched. I guess that’s what happens when you do on your cigarette break on your Best Buy bridge.

6:53 am February, 3 Collaz B. Popped said...

I cant allow the “Sunglasses at Night” vibe to ever get a free ride here.
Fuck that, he is stage one Douche.

10:19 am February, 3 Columbo said...

Wank’s drinking a White Russian. Case closed.

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