Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Dick’s Sporting Goods Is Having a Sale on Toolbags

Ah, Suburbia.

How your youthful couples find amusement and distraction in the form of stupid watch and hair gel.

Or, as the great poet J.C. Mellencamp once wrote, “Suckin’ on chili dogs. Outside the Tastee Freez.” Heed the words of early 80s singer/songwriters, Suburbia. For changes come around real soon and produce Justin Bieber.

# posted by douchebag1
9:27 am March, 2 Steve L. said...

why doesn’t anyone ever have a sale on hotts instead?

sorry.

9:33 am March, 2 DoucheyWallnuts said...

New Jersey is to Douchebags what the middle east is to Muslim Terrorists. Both areas must be nuked into oblivion, and I live in Jerz….

9:39 am March, 2 Wedgie said...

^Well, that pretty much sums it up, doesn’t it? Like Dale Dye in “Platoon” calling in the strike on his own base. “We got zips in the wire. For the record, it’s my call. Dump all remaining ordinance on my position. It’s been a hell of a war”.
Wallnuts, we barely knew ye. Vayo con dios.

9:43 am March, 2 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Clean up in aisle 3, clean up in aisle 3. Someone left a large pile of douche in aisle 3.

9:43 am March, 2 Vin Douchal said...

This tool sucks on dog dicks and gargles with lemon juice

9:53 am March, 2 Count Mockula said...

Is he playing that one game where if I look at the gesture his right hand is making he gets to punch me? Eh, well have at it douchebag, I looked. I welcome unconsciousness as a sweet release from your presence.
.
Douchin’ it up in a sporting goods store is always a great idea. Particulary one that sells guns. Real guns, not those cottage cheezy looking things connecting your hands to your torso douchebag. I guess what I’m saying is, I would like to purchase one gun and rent you for an hour of target practice. You’re girlfriend can watch but she better keep that yapper of hers shut.

9:53 am March, 2 Wheezer said...

Sorry, Chester Joseph (“C.J.” to “mah homiez”), but your spikes do not cover for your imminent baldness.
.
Now stop your fuccen clowning and get out of the ladies’ photos – they were in the process of trying on workout gear for each other and fondling baseball bats.
.
(Yes, I’m picturing another sultry hott taking this pic. What else would I want to consider?)

9:54 am March, 2 Count Mockula said...

*your* eh who gives a shit.

9:54 am March, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I have always hated Dick’s, but even more so since they seem to have some unholy deal to pimp Under Armor, which itself is cheesy crap designed to make poseurs look like they take fitness seriously.
.
This fucknozzel? Yeah, he’s a douche. But so totally unoriginal and mainstream… it’s like going to the zoo but only seeing a cow. Like going to an art museum but all they have is a refrigerator with crayon drawings taped to it. Someone at least drag him to AX and get him properly outfitted.

10:02 am March, 2 Count Mockula said...

Damn, that Val Kilmer has really packed on the pounds. The Iceman Cometh anf Eateth all of your Froyo.

10:18 am March, 2 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

The look from the guy in the background pretty much sums it up. “F’in balding douche, why are you posing for a picture in the womens’ leotard aisle?”

10:21 am March, 2 Baron Von Goolo said...

I always thought when it said “DICKS” on the buildings in 15 foot letters that it was just signage. Turns out it’s a contents warning. Who knew?

10:38 am March, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

How can we talk about rockin’ the suburbs without bringing up Ben Folds? Very apropos if I say so myself.
.
Let me tell y’all what it’s like
Being male, middle-class and white
It’s a bitch, if you don’t believe
Listen up to my new CD
.
I got shit runnin’ throught my brain
It’s so intense that I can’t explain
All alone in my white-boy pain
Shake your booty while the band complains

10:46 am March, 2 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Balding at 23 is the working title of my rip off of the show James at 15. It’s not exactly a rip off, per se, but rather a 2011 Doucheification of a show from the 1970’s. I’ll get Michael Bay to direct and Spencer Pratt to star just to take the level of Douche to warp factor 137.

10:48 am March, 2 Count Mockula said...

@McCrudeshoes 10:38a, T. Mills he is not. My all time favorite of Mr. Folds, is his cover of “Bitches Ain’t Shit”. “The Luckiest” is okay too if you’re into songs to play to have you swimming in poon fo’ life.

11:50 am March, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Which one of the Baldwins is this?

12:17 pm March, 2 Captain Garanichode said...

Dick….. Tool… huh huh huh

1:41 pm March, 2 Taint Nuthin But A G-Thang said...

Yet another complete and total failure from the “Bio Labs at the University Of Maryland” to produce a primate that can shave its own balls. And this nice young lass has agreed to hang out in public with him? Oof. Kids.

1:55 pm March, 2 Medusa Oblongata said...

No one has said anything about the length of fishing rod that can be fed down her gaping maw. And by fishing rods I mean fishing poles.
.
Perverts. He’s in a sporting goods store, right?

5:42 pm March, 2 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Man, those store greeters at Dick’s are really starting to take liberties.
But then, so are the visiting bar bouncers.

8:40 pm March, 2 Stephanie said...

Now wait a second here. People actually go to Dick’s Sporting Goods and pose for a dumb ass photo?

9:15 pm March, 2 Count Mockula said...

Stephanie, seriously, you are my most favorite ever. Please take that the wrong way.

3:38 am March, 3 psd-to-xhtml said...

They appear to have some unholy deal to pimp Under Armor, which itself is cheesy shite designed to make poseurs look like they take fitness seriously.

6:28 am March, 3 Deltus said...

@Medusa^: Huh. I thought you were talking about penises. Cause I’m betting she’s swallowed a few. Just a guess though.

3:41 am March, 4 Collaz B. Popped said...

His facial pose/expression alone gives away his entire life.

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